Steph Sinclair's Reviews > New Moon

New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
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Stephen King once said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."
I couldn't agree more, Stephen. With that, we shall kick this off with a joke:

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Heh.

This re-reading is brought to you courtesy of Project: Hindsight.


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I'm sorry folks. I just could not get through this shit book another time. However, since I've already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review. But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages?! Seriously, how is it possible a book with almost no plot can be so long? When I first read New Moon back in 2008, I didn't like it. In fact I'm not even sure why it had three stars because I remember being super frustrated. Even though Edward and Bella's relationship deeply disturbs my soul, Bella is so incredibly boring without him. I'm not even sure how Stephenie Meyer managed 563 pages. Truly, I'm amazed because I can sum up New Moon in one big picture:

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But let's get on with it, I'll go into some detail for ya.

The book starts off on Bella's 18th birthday, a day she has been dreading for months only because in her mind she will be one year older than Edward. So, she makes a huge production about people not celebrating her birthday, but the Cullens ignore her and Alice plans a party. Before Edward forces her to attend they watch Romeo and Juliet (the book's supposed theme) and they have merry little conversation about Edward's contingency plans once Bella dies. Now, let's not forget they've only been dating for a few months. Yet, here they are making out and talking about killing themselves in the event of the other's death. How romantic. Don't even ask me the logic behind how they can even kiss when his teeth are supposed to be "venom coated." Stephenie Meyer gives some bull shit excuse she must have learned from ass-grab 101. But I digress...

Finally, they make it to the birthday party. Bella gets a paper cut and Jasper almost single-handedly ends this series on page 29.

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Unfortunately, to my dismay his attempt was foiled by Edward. Eddie pushes Bella out the way and she crashes into the glass plates, slashing up her arm. Pause, let's think about that scene a bit: Who's bright idea was it to have glass plates? With a human. In a room full of vampires. That drink blood. Isn't Alice psychic? Why didn't she see Bella cutting her finger on the wrapping paper? Wait, don't think about that because if you spend all your time contemplating the stupidity, we'll never get through this review.

Obviously, Eddie is not happy with the events that went down at his place and Bella further irritates him by apologizing for...wait for it...being human. Bella, you know you've been hanging out with mythical creatures too much when you start thinking your humanity isn't normal. But anyway, Eddie does what any loving boyfriend would do after their girlfriend is attack by their brother: he ignores her. And because Eddie is "Alpha Male Edward" and Bella is "Submissive Mary Sue Bella," she doesn't confront him about it. Instead, she waits for him to be ready. On the third day of ignoring her, he drags he into the words and chucks up the deuces. The exchange goes a little like this:
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Alpha Male Edward tells Submissive Mary Sue Bella firmly, "No, I don't want you to come. You're no good for me." And she pretty much agrees realizing how much of a waste of space she is. Then Edward just pours salt all over her open wound and tells her:
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?...I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself--for him."
I nodded helplessly.
Wow. Relly? You're just going to let him order you around like that? How about you look after yourself FOR YOU first, everyone else second? Awesome Bells. Can I call you Bells? Not only do you have ZERO self-preservation skills, but also no self-confidence. Just awesome. There's only about a million or so girls looking up to you as a role model. No pressure to be a strong female character. You could have walked away from this with grace, but no, instead all your dignity flies out the window when you pull a bitch move and run after Edward through the woods.
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Then, she defaults back to "Fuck my life" mode and slips into a depression for four fucking months. I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship. Heh. But this wasn't just any depression, it was some serious shit.
I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it.
Or how about this:
Even my outsides looked different--my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that--if I were beautiful and seen from a distance--I might even pass for a vampire now.
Once again I find myself asking the question: Where are her parents?! Why did Charlie let this go on for FOUR months?! She should have been in counseling or something. But Meyer thinks she can just pacify readers by Renee sending a random e-mail here and there or Charlie just suggesting she seek help, only to be shot down by Bella. Fail. So much fail.

All that considered, that's not even the biggest problem I have with this book. Bella soon figures out she can conjure up hallucinations of Edward if she does something reckless or suicidal. This is where Jake comes into play. Bella uses Jake (like everyone else) to get what she wants by asking him to fix up two motorcycles she found and giving her riding lessons. She figures it will be the perfect thing to help her see more of Edward. I suppose she simply forgot how big of a klutz she is and once the bikes are fixed the lessons commence. The first time she gets on she falls off and Jake (the only one with common sense) thinks they should call it a day before she gets hurt. But Bella thinks this is BK and she can have it her way, and gets back on the bike.
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Chick has gone batshit crazy and she promptly busts her ass. But she doesn't care because her mission was a success! She got to see and hear Edward! Her next brilliant idea is to throw herself off a cliff during high tide. The first time I read this I was secretly hoping she would drown, but the other two books already were published, so it was a hopeless wish. Oh and I almost forgot to mention the actual plot. LOL. Funny how that happens when there isn't one, huh? LOL. The She-vamp, Victoria, is scoping out the area trying to get to Bella. But her part is VERY small in this book (like the plot), so we don't really need to talk about her. I suppose the wolf pack is worth mentioning: They're pretty much a bunch of wannabe werewolves that run around with their shirts off.
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That's all you really need to know about them.

So, finally Alice shows up in chapter 18 because she thought Bella was trying to commit suicide (close enough Alice). And through a nice little exchange of "he said, she said" BS, Edward is off to Italy to kill himself. This causes Bella to go into "hero" mode and race to Italy and save Edward. I really don't care enough to give my thoughts on the race to Italy. That entire part was rushed and anti-climatic. There isn't even a fight scene. Instead here is a timeline courtesy of Reasoning with Vampires (Thanks for the link Cait and Jen!):

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Anyway, they get back to good old Forks and Bella composes a vote on everyone's thoughts of her joining team undead. Edward is at a steady "no" along with Rosalie. But everyone else says, "Hell yes!" Like becoming a vampire is a party or something. Funny thing is when Bella asks Jasper he goes:
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And she's all:
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Hmm, yeah, that's not weird at all. Not the least bit creepy.

In the last few pages Edward and Jake have a little pissing contest and Edward proposes to Bella. The End. Yawn. Thank God it's over.

Now where's my fuckin' chocolate?

My Twilight Review can be found here.


***BONUS***

Oh, yeah, bonus time. 'Cause what's a review without one?

Quick! If I were to light Edward on fire what would he become?

(view spoiler)


More reviews and more at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.
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Reading Progress

10/20 page 0
0.0% "Ok, it's time for me to get off my ass and start this book. I'm ready. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 3 comments
10/20 page 1
0.0% "But this was no dream, and, unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today. Bahahaha!!! Just today Bella?" 2 comments
10/23 page 4
1.0% "Well, Gran, you might have noticed that my boyfriend glitters. It's just something he does in the sun. Don't worry about it... Lol, really? Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 1 comment
10/23 page 14
2.0% "These parentheses are killing me."
10/23 page 16
3.0% "How does Bella kiss Pedward if his teeth are "venom-coated?"" 18 comments
10/23 page 16
3.0% ""Romeo was one of my favorite fictional characters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him." You would, Bella. *eyeroll*" 5 comments
10/24 page 21
4.0% ""I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday." ..... ..... .....Did Charlie really just go there? -_-"
10/24 page 29
5.0% "Who's bright idea was it to have glass at Bella the Klutz's birthday party knowing she'd be in a room full of vampires?" 1 comment
10/24 page 52
9.0% ""Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged. "It's a tie." Oh, ewwww!! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
10/24 page 95
17.0% "My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months...I never broke curfew--I never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place. I only very rarely served leftovers. Excuse me. What?!" 1 comment
10/24 page 111
20.0% "I'm convinced Bella has mental health issues."
10/24 page 114
20.0% "The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated. These were not the dangerous men I remembered. They were probably nice guys. Safe. I lost interest. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 2 comments
10/24 page 126
22.0% "Omg. Do we really need to spend several pages on this "hole" in your chest. You're depressed. I get it. Please move on."
10/24 page 140
25.0% "If Bella mentions cooking for Charlie one more time, I'm going to lose it!"
10/25 page 140
25.0% "I woke up shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow. Ahhhhh! Bella, Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos Can't...continue...I'm done." 2 comments
02/03 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-50 of 109) (109 new)


Karen Ahhhh! Can't wait to see that rating knocked down!


Steph Sinclair You know, I could probably write a review right now for this book. Almost nothing happens Only three things happen in the book: Edward leaves, really boring middle, Bella goes to Italy.


Steph Sinclair It's up!


message 4: by Cait (new)

Cait HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Bonus time? I peed a little laughing so hard!


message 5: by Rachel (new)

Rachel Hartman I know a guy who worked on the CGI for the Twilight movies, and their nickname for Edward was "Disco Ball".


Steph Sinclair Cait wrote: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Bonus time? I peed a little laughing so hard!"

:)

Rachel wrote: "I know a guy who worked on the CGI for the Twilight movies, and their nickname for Edward was "Disco Ball"."

Bahahahaha!!! Fits him perfectly! Lol.


message 7: by Cait (new)

Cait Yes, yes it does! And thanks for the nod in your review with Reasoning With Vampires! I feel so important! *sniffle*


Steph Sinclair No problem. It really is a great site. I would never have the patience to do that. I was *thisclose* to gouging out my eyes while reading this book.


message 9: by Steph (last edited Oct 25, 2011 03:15PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair I was thinking about that as well when I read that part. In the movie a huge glob of blood fell out her little finger. Rediculous. I've never even really *bled* from a paper cut. It hurt, but it was never serious enough for blood to ooze from.


message 10: by Cait (new)

Cait Stephanie wrote: "I was thinking about that as well when I read that part. In the movie a huge glob of blood fell out her little finger. Rediculous. I've never even really *bled* from a paper cut. It hurt, but it wa..."

Well, you never really know, Stephanie! Her blood is already so "speshul" and "delicious" that maybe she bleeds an abnormally large amount!

God I can't even type that with a straight face.


message 11: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair If that is SMeyer's response to that absurdity, then I have only one response for her:

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Yeah, there's a GIF for that.

Lol.


message 12: by Lissa (new)

Lissa That review is just fucking epic, excuse my language. I LOLed several times. I simply cannot wait for your Eclipse review (which incidentally was my favourite of the Twilight books and films, even though I feel New Moon was a more faithful adaptation).


message 13: by HanaJoyful (new)

HanaJoyful Stephen King is now my fucking idol.


message 14: by Steph (last edited Oct 25, 2011 04:55PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Lissa wrote: "That review is just fucking epic, excuse my language. I LOLed several times. I simply cannot wait for your Eclipse review (which incidentally was my favourite of the Twilight books and films, even ..."

Lol, thanks Lissa. I liked Eclipse too. I think I could survive reading that one over. I think I need to read a few other books first to wash the Twilight taste out my mouth before I get started again. Hahaha!


message 15: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Archer wrote: "ROFLMAO Awesome review, I forced myself to read this series, because it was marginally less soul destroying than a pre employment training course I was one... Let's put it this way... by the end of..."

Ha! Yes, indeedy. I felt something like this myself:
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message 16: by P. (new)

P. I read this book not so long ago and I don't remember what happened. Hmmm... maybe because nothing happened.

Oh, wait, I remember one thing: How angry it made me.

Awesome review!


message 17: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Thanks, Palice! You're right nothing happened. Someone could just skip right over New Moon and read Eclipse and pick right up on the story.


message 18: by Lisa (last edited Oct 26, 2011 01:25AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Lisa Great review. The plot hole that stood out for me (probably because it happened in the very beginning when the book still had my full attention—that didn't last very long) was that Jasper tried to kill Bella over a paper cut. Seriously? How did he survive years of high school if he can't even handle a paper cut? Not only do people get paper cuts in high school, but I've seem much worse injuries. The stupidity of this series is baffling.


Karen Ahahaha, Steph!

Great review, I've been laughing all morning :D


message 20: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Lisa wrote: "Great review. The plot hole that stood out for me (probably because it happened in the very beginning when the book still had my full attention—that didn't last very long) was that Jasper tried to..."

That is a great point! I never even thought about that, but it makes perfect sense.


message 21: by Steph (last edited Oct 26, 2011 05:42AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Karen wrote: "Ahahaha, Steph!

Great review, I've been laughing all morning :D"


Thanks, Karen. :)


message 22: by Kayla (new) - rated it 1 star

Kayla that was the most hilarious review ever


message 23: by Hira (new) - rated it 2 stars

Hira Haha, that was awesome, great review!


message 24: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Thanks!


message 25: by Rogier (new)

Rogier , great review! lol 'd out loud
parents thouhght i was loony


Skittles This was pure WIN! Especially using the "Let Me Love You" gif that kind of sealed the deal for me awesomeness wise.

And Alan Rickman saying Glittery Fairy Princess just made it even more awesome! :)


message 27: by Erin (new) - rated it 3 stars

Erin I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship.

Oh dear. So unhealthy. Thanks for pointing that out, it's ridiculous.


message 28: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Skyla (Happy Go Lucky and Lost in Books) wrote: "This was pure WIN! Especially using the "Let Me Love You" gif that kind of sealed the deal for me awesomeness wise.

And Alan Rickman saying Glittery Fairy Princess just made it even more awesome! :)"


Thank you! That's all Bells and Eddie did in Twilight: "I love you!! No, I love you more!! Noooo, I fucking love you even more that's why I'm leaving you!!! OMG, what?? Nooo!! I LOVE YOU!!!" Lol. Those crazy kids. Lol.

Erin wrote: "I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship.

Oh dear. So unhealthy. Thanks for pointing that out, it's ridiculous."


It's amazing what I've noticed this time around. It seems so obvious now, but I totally missed it all before. Lol.


message 29: by Hayley (last edited Dec 18, 2011 06:29AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Hayley That was an epic review!! I've read a few of your scathing reviews now and that was the cherry on top.
I love that the House of Night series is on the same shelf as New Moon. Very appropriate.

When my friends used to ask me what the Twilight series was about, I summed up the whole series for them. "Melodramatic teenager falls in love with sparkly vampire. Yes, sparkly. Vampire leaves girl and girl becomes depressed but it's the vampire who seeks to commit suicide. Funny that. Even though girl has confessed undying love to the vampire, she finds she loves her best friend who, surprise, surprise, is a werewolf. Vampire and girl get married and even though it's supposed to be impossible, she gets knocked up. Girl becomes a vamp and werewolf gets to have the 'I was once in love with your mother' conversation with girl's baby in the future! Yay!"

...Yet they still asked if it was good. Sheesh.


message 30: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Thank you! *sigh* House of Night. That's possibly the worst series I've even had the misfortune to check out from the library. Lol. I love how you just summed up an entire series in one paragraph! Ha! That's probably because nothing really happens in the series. Lol.


Penny Raspenny I totaly agree with you about the Twilight saga!I can't believe I actually liked it when I first read it but that's probably because it was the first YA books with vampires I ever read.

But, I kind of liked the House of Night series. Not on my favourites list but they do have good characters and there is actually a plot (unlike Twilight saga) even though it is the hole Save-the-world-thing. Untill the 7th book it was readable and fun (especialy Aphrodite, I just love that character) but I must say that the 8th book was getting on my nerves. I haven't read the 9th yet


message 32: by Kyle (new) - rated it 1 star

Kyle Stephaine, where do you find these GIF files and pics that you used. Especially the funny anti-twilight ones. PLEASE SHOW ME WHERE YOU GOT THEM!


message 33: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Adam 'Archer' wrote: "I dunno about Stephanie but I find my gifs on google, tumblr and photobucket"

^Yup.


Beate OMG!!! You're brilliant!!! Loved this!


message 35: by Steph (last edited Dec 22, 2011 06:07AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Penny wrote: "I totaly agree with you about the Twilight saga!I can't believe I actually liked it when I first read it but that's probably because it was the first YA books with vampires I ever read.

But, I ki..."


I forgot to respond to this. I only got to book 4 or 5 with HoN. I just couldn't stand Zoey. But you are right. There was an actual plot. Lol.

Adam 'Archer' wrote: "See great minds think alike!"

They do indeed. :)

Beate wrote: "OMG!!! You're brilliant!!! Loved this!"

Thank you. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! Lol.


Jason Besides being overlong and a tad soapy, what really turned off this book to me was how it portrayed women. It sent out the message to teenage girls that it's okay to get hung up over a guy and consider suicide just because he leaves you, that obsession over them is natural- also, Bella is much the damsel-in-distress here, showing no strength on her own and always relying on Edward or Jacob to save her. It just sickens me to think a teenage girl is going to get caught in the hype of the book and lose all of her independence and self-worth because it's portrayed as "okay" when the characters do it.


message 37: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Jason wrote: "Besides being overlong and a tad soapy, what really turned off this book to me was how it portrayed women. It sent out the message to teenage girls that it's okay to get hung up over a guy and cons..."

I completely agree. Once Edward left, Bella acted like her life was over. She has no other goals but to have a boyfriend. It's a terrible message for young girls.


message 38: by Haleema (last edited Feb 01, 2012 02:31PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Haleema I feel incredibly fulfilled after reading this review. Thank you so damn much!


message 39: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Haleema wrote: "I feel incredibly fulfilled after reading this review. Thank you so damn much!"

Hahaha! No problem. ;)


message 40: by Sara (new) - rated it 2 stars

Sara Zarin LOL-I love your reviews!They're just EPIC!Makes it hard for me to dislike the name 'Stephanie' now(no problems despising everything else about miss author of twilight...Honestly, sometimes I get angry and wonder where she was as a teenager.I'm really happy you mentioned Jasper.I like him.He accidently tried to kill Bella:)


message 41: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Thank you! Lol. Stephanie is such a fun name. Besides, Stephenie Meyer spells her with an extra "e" instead of an "a", so not exactly the same. ;)


message 42: by Sara (new) - rated it 2 stars

Sara Zarin O_O oh...u'r right-I didn't notice the difference till u pointed it out-_-;


missEvi [can't commit to a book] I just love your shelves..hahahaha


message 44: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair missevi wrote: "I just love your shelves..hahahaha"

Thanks!

Zarin wrote: "O_O oh...u'r right-I didn't notice the difference till u pointed it out-_-;"

It's okay. I probably wouldn't have noticed if Stephanie wasn't my name. Lol.


message 45: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Tiffani wrote: "Aww come on she's not that bad. So what if the main character is a whiny little dumbass nitwit and her boyfriend is a stalker, creeper,pedophile and sometimes can be a jackass and the book is all a..."

Lol! You almost scared me there!


message 46: by Franziska (last edited Feb 29, 2012 02:59AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Franziska God I love your reviews!
When I read this series, everyone was so crazy about this crap and I sat there and thought...okay, am I the only one who hasn't lost her mind? It is probably, because most people who read Twilight AND like it are those who have never actually read a real novel...Put Moby Dick in their hands, I bet they'll faint after 15 pages, because it's so hard to read...
A bit sad that now many many teenagers believe Twilight to be world class literature :'(


message 47: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Frances wrote: "God I love your reviews!
When I read this series, everyone was so crazy about this crap and I sat there and thought...okay, am I the only one who hasn't lost her mind? It is probably, because most ..."


Lol, thank you! When I started reading a lot more that is exactly what I thought: "Wow, this is better than Twilight!" Weirdly enough, if I were to re-read those books I read after Twilight, I probably wouldn't enjoy them as much. My reading tastes have changed so much.


Callan Jones What the fuck these reviews are so good. I love them so much and there so funny.


Karishma your review is the only good thing that happened to this book, i am so disturbed by it, and that people actually like it. i mean its just plain old creepy


message 50: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Felixfelicis wrote: "your review is the only good thing that happened to this book, i am so disturbed by it, and that people actually like it. i mean its just plain old creepy"

Thanks! And you're right. Out of all the Twilight books, New Moon was the worst.

Callan wrote: "What the fuck these reviews are so good. I love them so much and there so funny."

Lol, thank you!


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