Krystle's Reviews > The Goddess Test

The Goddess Test by Aimee Carter
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Apr 25, 11

Read from April 10 to 23, 2011

Warning: There are some vulgarities in here because I’m a very vulgar person. Look away if your sensitive eyes can’t handle it.

Man, getting through this book was like having my wisdom teeth pulled out with no lidocaine. Terrible, I tell ya.

But anyway, let’s get on to the review, shall we? The Goddess Test has an awesome, awesome premise. Girl going through tests to become the bride of Hades? HECK YEAH, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT! And it started that way but shortly after immediately crashed and smoldered. So much so that I ended up going, “no, no, take it back!”

I understand that it’s an author’s prerogative or free choice to reinvent staple figures of mythology, legends, stories, or what have you but really, I don’t care what you say. I hated it! You know those Greek gods that you loved because they were such dick-faced assholes that were vain, selfish, and just had unending reserves of violent natures?! Forget about that here. Now they’ve been turned into PUSSIFIED versions of themselves! I am not joking!

Hades, excuse me, Henry is some pathetic caricature of himself in which all he does is mope, sulk, mope some more, and does more boring things like fancy parlor tricks. Hah. By the way, he’s a virgin. Hold up, back the fuck up, did you just say VIRGIN? Yes! Are you going to tell me that the baddest fuck in Greek mythology who loved to murder, damn people to hell for all eternity, kidnap people, rape young girls, screw his relatives, and whatever is a FREAKING VIRGIN? Give me a moment to pick my jaw off the floor and suspend my moment of disbelief.

Sorry, nope it's not working. I guess I should have known what the premise calls him "dark" and "tortured". Those were my cues to STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Not to mention the stop eating crap. What the hell? If some bastard told me to stop eating I’m going to slap him in the face. It’s not like I’m a fucking whale that needs to watch their weight! It just rubs me the entirely the wrong way that this is perfectly acceptable when you consider how the media forces it down our throats of how we must be thin, be beautiful, and be absolutely perfect but telling Kate, who is fine the way she is (appearance-wise, her personality is another matter), has to fit into this model is just not taken as something wrong? That this is A-OKAY? No, sorry. Not gonna sit right with me, EVER. I don’t give a crap if it’s for some stupid test (Gluttony) or not. This is just wrong.

Which leads to another thing – the tests? They revolve around the Seven Deadly Sins. Do you not see something glaringly wrong with this? They are Greek Gods! GREEK! Why in the hell would they care about Christian ideology when, you know, they were/are a religion in and of themselves?! WHAT? Just why! And these tests were completely pathetic. I was propped up by the premise to expect something damn awesome but what do I get? NOTHING. I’m serious. If I could become a Greek god by just giving away my clothes or some shit like that, frick, why isn’t everyone I know including myself not one right now? Cuz damn I’d sure implement some changes if I had that kinda power.

Okay, okay, okay, I’m being a real whiny bitch. If there was one thing that I thought was a potentially redeeming factor it was the relationship Kate had with her mother, and the grief and pain she feels about having to lose her to cancer. Her pain was constant and emotive, something I can personally connect to because I have family members who have gone through cancer, and it is one of the most gut wrenching things you can ever experience.

But then this was circumvented at the end when we find out that Kate’s mom is actually a GOD and that her suffering was actually a TEST? Excuse me! How dare you demean and minimalize her suffering this way? I’m sorry but that just pushed my raging button. Where was my happy ending button when MY family members had cancer, huh? I horrendously disliked the way the author manipulated this character just so she can use this as an excuse for a plot point or character development. Ugh.

And what is up with the gods' names? What’s wrong with keeping to the original? And, heck, if you’re going to give them new names make them sound at least FUCK YEAH – I’M THE BIG SHIT IN THIS BLOCK. Instead of, you know, simple common names like Henry or Xander. Of course some people might argue that this is what makes it genius, but I beg to differ.

If you’re looking for balls to the walls character development here, you aren’t getting it. Most, if not all, the characters are devoid of life, personality, or distinguishing features that separate themselves from the other. In fact, I’ve forgotten who they are already after finishing this book two days ago. Pretty bad, huh? I’m serious. The characters feel like they’re just there for the purpose of moving the plot along rather than THEM being the plot.

To sum up my thoughts, I think Dumbledore from My Immortal says it in better fashion that I ever could:



It had SO much promise but failed for me in every way.
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Reading Progress

04/10/2011 page 116
39.0% "This is like some limp-dicked portrayal of Greek mythology. Hades, excuse me, *Henry* is such a loser. And if this girl goes on about how much she doesn't believe anything one more time I'm going to freaking PUNCH her in the uterus!!!"
04/22/2011 page 147
48.0% "Ugh, finally this girl woke up. Sheesh. But that doesn't stop her from being too stupid to live! "What are you doing in my bed?" Really? REALLY? And Henry is a VIRGIN? *snorts* Don't even get me started!!!!"
04/22/2011 page 229
75.0% "Did he just tell her to stop eating because it's a SIN?! W-T-F?! And they're GREEK FREAKING GODS! Why the hell would they care about Christian stuff?! OMFG. Ima 'bout to break this dude's FACE." 4 comments

Comments (showing 1-38 of 38) (38 new)

dateDown_arrow    newest »

Nafiza I am very curious to see your reaction. We usually have the same taste in books but considering the praise this book has been receiving and my not so...uh, pleased response, it's just interesting. :)


message 2: by Jess (new) - rated it 1 star

Jess I've heard some rather negative reviews about this due to the lack of actually sticking to the whole Greek mythology thing. I can't wait to see what you think of this one. :P


message 3: by Nafiza (last edited Apr 11, 2011 04:46PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Nafiza Have you reached the "not eating" part? :D


Krystle Nope. But... not eating? Wtf? >=[.


message 5: by Kira (new) - added it

Kira Krystle, I love it when you say "limp-dicked".


Krystle Kekeke. XD.


Nafiza Oh nice. I had exactly the same thoughts as you. Our reviews are almost identical. And another person pointed out that they spent their wedding night play chess or something similar. Yeah. I just don't understand how people can gush over this like it's the best thing they've read. I mean, seriously? Are they not discerning at all?


Krystle Omg, the chess. WTF. WHAT KIND OF GOD IS THAT?! Omg, I forgot to mention how STUPID Kate was! Like "what are you doing in my bed" on their wedding night! Really? REALLY?


message 9: by Jess (new) - rated it 1 star

Jess ROFL! Chess on their wedding night?!? Oh sweet jesus.... Imagine that. On my wedding night, I wanna be ravaged and have my clothes ripped off and fuck till I'm sore, not play chess with some emo virgin.


Krystle True that! If only he'd been the REAL Hades, he's show her some chess. >_>.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Chess? on your wedding night? Odd, that.

Your snark is very amusing. Friend me if you'd like.


message 12: by kari (new)

kari Great review!


message 13: by John (new) - added it

John Egbert Incredibly entertaining review. Well, the summary that describes Henry as a "dark and tortured soul" does show you something.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Hmmm. thousands of years without getting it on could make anyone dark and tortured...


Krystle LMAO! At least he doesn't have mutant sperm like some vampire we know. XD.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Yes, I like that book, and I still can't make sense of that. I better not think about it too much lest my brain explode.


Kagama-the Literaturevixen You funny person :D


message 18: by Zoe (last edited May 17, 2011 12:49PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Zoe Omg thank you of that review it made my day and saved me the effort of reading the book. :)


message 19: by Kira (last edited May 16, 2011 06:34PM) (new) - added it

Kira Krystle, who has been complaining about your vulgarity? Personally, I feel that your vulgarity is what makes your reviews so hilariously entertaining.

BE VULGAR!


Krystle LoL, thanks. I remember a while back I had a troll complaining about my swearing. Good thing they deleted their account off Goodreads later. =P.


message 21: by Cyna (new) - rated it 2 stars

Cyna That was awesome. +10pts I think what got me most was that Demeter and Henry were BFFS and Persephone was like THIS BITCH for not being in love with her husband through an arranged marriage. Because those always work out for the best, right?

Although the not eating/giving away your clothes/studying for A GODDAMN TEST = godlike qualities was pretty laughable, too.


Mackenzie Okay this is the funniest book review I have ever read!!! :) hahaah


Kelsi Calliari LOl. Usually I hate people bashing other books, but man i loved ur comment. I was going to read this because i love greek mythology. And when I see a book that has Hades and Persephone i zero in and grap it without a seconds thought. But wow, this book must suck then. But i am still going to read it. Mostly cause I am curious. But could you tell me in which My immortal book you are talking about. I am again curious, i wanna see that quote for myself. But again thank you for your comment, i loved it.


Kagama-the Literaturevixen Synesthesia wrote: "Chess? on your wedding night? Odd, that.

Your snark is very amusing. Friend me if you'd like."


Your parents didnt tell you about the birds and the chess? :P


Kelsi Calliari Kagama wrote: "Synesthesia wrote: "Chess? on your wedding night? Odd, that.

Your snark is very amusing. Friend me if you'd like."

Your parents didnt tell you about the birds and the chess? :P"


Lol.


Krystle My Immortal is this super famous Harry Potter fanfiction. Mainly because it is SO terrible. I think it was the most reviewed story on the site until they took it down.

It's been reposted here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4719325/1...

Here's a dramatic reading of it (I laughed so hard):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA_VSQ...


Angie Love this review!


Paula Laughed so much. " the birds and chess" lmfao!


message 29: by Vee (new)

Vee hahaha!! i am literally pissing myself laughing right now!! (excuse my language) XD


message 30: by Louzel (new)

Louzel Krystle wrote: "My Immortal is this super famous Harry Potter fanfiction. Mainly because it is SO terrible. I think it was the most reviewed story on the site until they took it down.

It's been reposted here:

ht..."


Freaking hell, that was absolutely hilarious! I was laughing so hard. Avril Lavgne LOL XD


ruqsa ur comment made me snort with laughter! i read the description first & i thought- greek myth, yay! things went downhill pretty fast then. it could be made into a good book but needless to say i wasn't satisfied.


message 32: by Jade (new) - rated it 1 star

Jade Marie Pond Amen, sister.


Phoenixleigh The problem with adults reading teen fiction.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Just because it's teen fiction, doesn't mean it should be unsuitable for adults in the sense of making adults go, OH COME ON! Teens are not stupid.


message 35: by Krystle (last edited Jul 07, 2014 10:56PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Krystle Phoenixleigh wrote: "The problem with adults reading teen fiction."

Oh, please. A poorly written book is a poorly written no matter what its intended age bracket.


Kelly (and the Book Boar) Phoenixleigh wrote: "The problem with adults reading teen fiction."

Ohhhhhhh, your mother should ground you from the internet for that one.


Sincerely Books COMPLETE AGREEMENT!!! I seriously doubt that this book could be worse! (although you do have to feel for the author)


Superwho  with a book He actually wasn't a virgin. everyone keeps saying that but that's untrue. He had sex with Persephone on there wedding night which Kate reminds herself in EVERY SINGLE BOOK. Also the book that wasn't necessarily apart of the series had the point of view of Persephone AS HE DID HER. She even tried again but he pushed her back. sorry I had to get that off my chest. carry on.


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