Jacob's Reviews > Damned

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
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's review
Dec 18, 2010

did not like it
bookshelves: 2010-2011
Read from October 18 to 21, 2011

October 2011

Look out, Chuck Palahniuk fans! It's a Chuck Palahniuk book! Chuck Palahniuk's Damned, the newest Chuck Palahniuk book (by Chuck Palahniuk!) is classic Chuck Palahniuk, a wonderful addition to Chuck Palahniuk's collection of Chuck Palahniuk books, and a must-read for Chuck Palahniuk fans who love Chuck Palahniuk and his Chuck Palahniuk books!

Meet Madison, Chuck Palahniuk's newest creation, a dead thirteen-year-old girl trapped in Hell after overdosing on marijuana (or did she? Chuck Palahniuk will keep you guessing!). And it's a Hell only Chuck Palahniuk could imagine! And you get to explore Chuck Palahniuk's Hell, with Madison and her friends--a jock, a nerd, a pretty girl, and a rebel, just like The Breakfast Club! Except it's set in Hell and it's by Chuck Palahniuk! Oh, isn't Chuck Palahniuk clever! Isn't he witty? Follow Madison & friends through the Dandruff Desert, past the Great Ocean of Wasted Sperm (isn't Chuck Palahniuk just so shocking?), to the Sea of Insects--see her masturbate a giant demon-woman with the help of a severed head (isn't Chuck Palahniuk just a scream?)--see her use her job in telemarketing (isn't Chuck Palahniuk a comic mastermind?) to convince terminally-ill Earth folk to join her in Hell (like the opposite of those support groups in Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club--isn't Chuck Palahniuk a genius?)--see her punch Hitler in the face and take control of Hell (isn't Chuck Palahniuk devilish?)--join her as she meets Satan Himself (you'll never guess who Chuck Palahniuk's Satan turns out to be! He's a Satan only Chuck Palahniuk could write!)--watch as she learns a SHOCKING REVELATION (you'll never guess what Chuck Palahniuk's come up with this time!) and vows to destroy Chuck Palahniuk's Satan once and for all--IN THE NEXT BOOK!

That's right, Chuck Palahniuk fans! Chuck Palahniuk's novel Damned is only the first Chuck Palahniuk book in a Chuck Palahniuk trilogy! By Chuck Palahniuk! Hold on to your hats and genitalia, because Chuck Palahniuk is just getting started!

Chuck Palahniuk? Chuck Palahniuk!

Chuck Palahniuk.


-------------------------------

(Original review)

If there was a Hell, my mom said you'd go there for wearing fur coats or buying a cream rinse tested on baby rabbits by escaped Nazi scientists in France. My dad said that if there was a devil it was Ann Coulter.
(Damned, p. 18)


Taking a little jab at Ann Coulter, I see. Ooh, how daring.

Are you there, Chuck? No, really, are you there? Maybe I'm just out of touch, but I was under the impression that it's 2011 and nobody gives a shit about Ann Coulter anymore. Maybe it was when she called John Edwards a fag, maybe it was a few years later when Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann came along--but let's face it, Ann Coulter is a nobody. She was replaced by younger and perkier right-wingers, and these days the best she can do is insult the stupid old queens at GOProud for money. Does she still write a regular column? Maybe. Does she have a book out? Yeah, so what. It doesn't matter. Whatever shock value she once had is completely dried up. Gone. Coulter is old, tired, and dull. A complete hack. Stale.

So, I guess the two of you make a perfect couple, don't you?
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Reading Progress

10/18/2011 page 1
0.0% "Hello there, little Chuck Palahniuk book. Would you like your one star now, or shall I keep you in suspense?"
10/18/2011 page 30
12.0% "Bad, dull, dumb, tired, and weak. So, classic Palahniuk."
10/19/2011 page 61
24.0% "Ok, so I lied. "Damned" isn't bad. It's boring and uninspired, but not bad. "Bad" would've required some effort on Palahniuk's part."
10/20/2011 page 122
48.0% "Someday I'm going to chop up all of Chuck's books and toss various lines and paragraphs into a random novel generator (re: blender), just to see what comes out." 1 comment
10/21/2011 page 256
100.0% "Egads! For a few pages there I was worried I might have to give this book two whole stars...but that was just a false alarm. You had me worried, Chucky-boy."
10/18/2013 page 1
0.0% "Hello there, little Chuck Palahniuk book. Would you like your one star now, or shall I keep you in suspense?" 2 comments
01/30/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 51-100 of 153) (153 new)


message 51: by j (new)

j it's hardly as asinine as this one.

and i should know. everything i write is asinine.


message 52: by Jacob (last edited Dec 10, 2011 04:22PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob SHUT UP, Joel! Hanson is AWESOME. And so is CHUCK PALAHNIUK. How DARE you mock the things I L♥♥♥♥♥♥♥VE?


message 53: by [deleted user] (new)

She...she...called us asinine....

Mooommmmmmm!

*bursts into tears*


message 54: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Joel wrote: "it's hardly as asinine as this one.

and i should know. everything i write is asinine."


Does this mean that I should give the 85 Goosebumps books I read when I was nine five stars because when I read them, I lurved every word, having no idea how terrible the things were until looking back at them years later? In other words, does nostalgia for the time in which I read a book make up for its literary quality, or, in this case, lack thereof?


message 55: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Ceridwen wrote: "She...she...called us asinine....

Mooommmmmmm!

*bursts into tears*"


I think we should all get together in this dark and dreary time, and write a misery porn book about the pain and suffering inflicted on us by a person who called us asinine on the Internet. I'll start the first chapter, as soon as I'm done drinking and wake up from my permanent blackout in an alley somewhere screaming "How dare she call me asinine! I am nooooot!" It'll be a hit with the public, I'm sure!


message 56: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Ooh, let me know when it's my turn! I'm gonna go sulk and paint my nails black.

Black like my SOUL.


message 57: by Richard (last edited Dec 10, 2011 07:53PM) (new)

Richard I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I can't figure out what was funnier, the review or the comments. And guess what, Chuck Palahniuk fans! I've never read ANY Chuck Palahniuk books by Chuck Palahniuk! Ever!

@ Jacob: Yes, you did overdo it on the author's name, but it was still funny as, er, heck. And please don't paint your nails black. You'll get black stuff all over your precious Palahniuk books. And then you'll have to Chuck the spoiled copies out and buy new Palahniuk books! Palahniuk! Grrrrr! Now you've got ME doing that!

@ Esteban: Your ESTEBAN novel is going to be so popular you'll have celebrities making a buzzword out of your name. Emeril Lagasse will create a new dish just for you and name it Este-BAM!

@ Ceridwen: I'll come to the dork side with you anytime! ;) And you're right about Avatar. The special effects were good but the plot was: colonialist invader has change of heart, becomes one with the universe, champions the aboriginals' cause, and so the planet was saved--I think? Yawn. All that hype and who even remembers it now? And please, stop the tears now, honey, OK? You're making ME sad, and you know what the song says: "Big girls don't cry!"

@ Ali: If I could give your first comment (the long one) a "like," I would. In fact, I'd give it 4.


message 58: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Richard wrote: "I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I can't figure out what was funnier, the reviews or the comments. And guess what, Chuck Pahlaniuk fans? I've never read ANY Chuck Pahlaniuk books by Chu..."

To add to teh funnyz:
Uncyclopedia's snarktastic and hilarious take on Chuck paaahaukuhbnalenhflabertyblue, or whatever:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ch...


message 59: by Richard (last edited Dec 10, 2011 08:06PM) (new)

Richard Ali wrote: "Richard wrote: "I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I can't figure out what was funnier, the reviews or the comments. And guess what, Chuck Pahlaniuk fans? I've never read ANY Chuck Pahlan..."

Ali, Thanks for the "funnyz." I laughed some more. After which I realized (somewhat to my shame, because I'm a copy-editor) that I can't spell Pahsmashgleeyuck. I had to go back and correct it--and thank goodness for the edit tab on the comments. But it really doesn't matter because not too many others can spell Pahsmashgleeyuck either. Or maybe (like ourselves) they just can't be bothered, when misspelling him is so much fun!


message 60: by [deleted user] (new)

Ali wrote:
I think we should all get together in this dark and dreary time, and write a misery porn book about the pain ..."


I think it should be a musical. Pain is always better with teh songs.

Ima pull up my big girl pants and soldier on....

*warbling*


message 61: by [deleted user] (new)

*and Richard, I meant Avatar: the Last Airbender, not Avatar: Colonial Panic. But yeah, agreed on the latter.


message 62: by Richard (new)

Richard Ceridwen wrote: "*and Richard, I meant Avatar: the Last Airbender, not Avatar: Colonial Panic. But yeah, agreed on the latter."

Oops, my bad--oh well.

This is my all-time favourite version of Avatar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1...


message 63: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Ceridwen wrote: "Ali wrote:
I think we should all get together in this dark and dreary time, and write a misery porn book about the pain ..."

I think it should be a musical. Pain is always better with teh songs. ..."


This will give me a perfect oppertunity to launch into a rendition of "I Feel Pretty", then say, "Or at least, I used to, until someone I have never met called me asinine on the Internet! Oh, my heart, it hurts! Why does G0d treat me this waaayyyy! Is it because of the thing with the cup? Is that why? Because if it is, I swear I'll never do it again, just for the love of, uh, you, don't let someone on the Internet insult me again, oh Lawd!" *Insert the drinking of sixteen glasses of bourbon here.*


message 64: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Richard wrote: "After which I realized (somewhat to my shame, because I'm a copy-editor) that I can't spell Pahsmashgleeyuck. I had to go back and correct it--and thank goodness for the edit tab on the comments."

You guys are pathetic. Pathetic, I say! Palahniuk Palahniuk Palahniuk!

I mean, it's not like writing Alagaesia. I can write Alagaesia without even thinking. Ask Ceridwen, she knows what I mean.


message 65: by [deleted user] (new)

*drinking 16 glasses of anything but bourbon, because yuck*

To the tune of Gilligan's Island:

I pull up my pants and soldier on
Despite the trollish taunt.
Steph may have killed my soul
But cyberly I haunt.

The bourbon, it burns my throat
And makes me start to cough.
There's a saying here about grape and grain
But I'm too far gone to make this rhyme.

Chorus: Lots of shouting, with entreaties to the Lord.


message 66: by [deleted user] (new)

I can write Alagaesia without even thinking. Ask Ceridwen, she knows what I mean.

You forgot the shitty umlaut: Alagaësia.


message 67: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Ceridwen wrote: "You forgot the shitty umlaut: Alagaësia."

Yeah, well, I'm not that good.


message 68: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Jacob wrote: "Richard wrote: "After which I realized (somewhat to my shame, because I'm a copy-editor) that I can't spell Pahsmashgleeyuck. I had to go back and correct it--and thank goodness for the edit tab on..."

Is that like how I can write names such as Gabriel José de la Concordia García Márquez, or Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges Acevedo, or Mikhail Yevgrafovich Saltykov-Shchedrin, or Bob Smith, and not even think about it?
I dunno, man, palahhperduewonderchickeninnytmrnuk is hard to remember. I must admit that this is yet another way in which someone has way more brain capacity than me. I would drink my pain away because of this, but am already drunk from the last time, and everything ran out, and I don't know where I kept my extra bags of pruno from my time in prison. I'll find it somewhere, I'm sure it's right above the dead chicken and below the penguin in the closet, hopefully I don't bump into something, being drunk is one thing, but drunk and blind is anoth

Crash. Cluck.

Maybe that chicken isn't so dead after all... And it's angry...


message 69: by Jacob (last edited Dec 10, 2011 09:25PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Ali wrote: "Is that like how I can write names such as Gabriel José de la Concordia García Márquez, or Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges Acevedo, or Mikhail Yevgrafovich Saltykov-Shchedrin, or Bob Smith, and not even think about it?"

What about Franz Joseph Otto Robert Maria Anton Karl Max Heinrich Sixtus Xavier Felix Renatus Ludwig Gaetan Pius Ignatius, AKA Otto von Habsburg, Archduke of Austria? Are you familiar with Franz Joseph Otto Robert Maria Anton Karl Max Heinrich Sixtus Xavier Felix Renatus Ludwig Gaetan Pius Ignatus, AKA Otto von Habsburg, Archduke of Austria? Sadly, Franz Joseph Otto Robert Maria Anton Karl Max Heinrich Sixtus Xavier Felix Renatus Ludwig Gaetan Pius Ignatus, AKA Otto von Habsburg, Archduke of Austria, died earlier this year, but his name shall not be forgotten.


message 70: by Richard (last edited Dec 10, 2011 10:37PM) (new)


message 71: by Esteban (new)

Esteban del Mal I STILL love Hanson, motherfuckers.


message 72: by Esteban (new)


message 73: by [deleted user] (new)

Esteban wrote: "MmmmHops."

This makes me suicidal.

Dear America,

Quit being so stupid.

Love,

Ceridwen


message 74: by Esteban (new)

Esteban del Mal Good luck with not being so stupid, America. Maybe start with not reading Palahniuknyuknyuk


Florencia Jake, you dork. But look at the lively discussion! If I didn't know you better I'd suggest you contact fox news for a job.
Ps- I liked the book.


message 76: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Florencia wrote: "Jake, you dork. But look at the lively discussion! If I didn't know you better I'd suggest you contact fox news for a job.
Ps- I liked the book."


"If I didn't know you better." That...that sounds like you know me already. Do you know me already? Who are you? What are you doing here? Why are you doing this to meeee?

This thread is going to end with "We traced the IP address! The comments are coming from inside your house!", isn't it?


Tyler Stone lol I have never enjoyed a book review more than this one.

and i <3 ole chuck chuck


message 78: by Ali (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ali Tyler wrote: "lol I have never enjoyed a book review more than this one.

and i <3 ole chuck chuck"


You <3 Chuckie P? heresy! We must burn you! We can't have any Chuckie <3ing up in here! This is the Chuckie Haterz Klub, didn't you know?
Though on a more serious note, until recently, Palalalalanyuk was one of those authors whose books I enjoyed while I read them, but only after I finished did I realize how bad they were. Ever since Snuff, I've been making the realisation from about the middle of the book onwards, once Papoallalioejoijownvwuihkk's signature characteristics start to set in.


message 79: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob No, no, it's perfectly acceptable to less-than-three Chuck-chuck here, because anyone who less-than-threes him is still vastly outnumbered by the h8ers and mockers. And this is the internet, so we have to bully someone, dontcha know.

Though on a more serious note, until recently, Palalalalanyuk was one of those authors whose books I enjoyed while I read them, but only after I finished did I realize how bad they were.

For me, everything since Rant has been awful from the first few pages. Everything he wrote up til Haunted was either good or somewhat-ok, but after Rant I recognized that everything was dull recycled crap. But I keep reading. Chuck would probably be laughing all the way to the bank, but I use the library.


message 80: by [deleted user] (new)

I have never read any Pajdhhduhdiied. I am just here for the lulz.


Claude Thanks for this great review Jacob. You bought me back down to Earth; I changed my rating of this book from a 3 star rating to a 2. Though it is better than some of the other dribble this overrated writer writes. Fight Club was a sincere waste of time, yet somehow the movie was watchable. Explain that?


message 82: by [deleted user] (new)

David Fincher is sweet?


message 83: by Matt (last edited Jan 25, 2012 09:22PM) (new)

Matt "Fight Club was a sincere waste of time, yet somehow the movie was watchable. Explain that?"

Oh, that one is easy. Good books tend to become bad movies because its difficult to retain the characteristics that make a book good in the transalation to a new medium. The adapter of the screen play must retain the unusual combination of the humility to respect the author whose work he adapts, and the skill equal to the original author to make something of equal worth. And also the things which make the book special must be qualities that can carry on to the screen, which isn't always the case. 'Dune' for example would be hard to bring to the screen because a lot of the magic of the book is in the internal dialogue the characters are having and that just doesn't convert to the screen well. Additional skill is required to achieve the same effect by different means and if the original effect required masterwork skill, how uncommon would it be to find a writer up to the task?

But bad books conversely tend to make good movies because the adaptation process is easier. If the text is flawed, a good writer can often find a way to alleviate the flaw. One of the more common failings of books is that they are longer than they need to be to convey the story, and so by adaptation a movie often takes a short story that has been stretched to 400 pages and turns it back into the short story, novellete or novella it needed to be in the first place. And the adapter is more likely to be rewarded for his arrogant presumption that he can make the story better if original work was flawed. 'Blade Runner' is far from respectful to the original text, but doesn't suffer from it because the original text is in many ways flawed and dull. Similarly, 'Dances with Wolves' and 'Forest Gump' made good movies out of less than excellent books. So if the movie 'Fight Club' was better than the book, it's hardly that surprising. As thin as the story is, it probably should have been a short story in the first place. Palanuik's often lacking word pictures are more easily replaced by simple visuals. Action scenes are very hard to write well in a book, but are easy in a movie. And so forth.


message 84: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Yeah, what Matt said.


message 85: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Also, David Fincher is sweet.


message 86: by [deleted user] (new)

Word.


message 87: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Also that.


message 88: by j (last edited Jan 25, 2012 02:51PM) (new)

j meh. slagsmålsklubben was way better than fincher's movie.


message 89: by [deleted user] (new)

Joel wrote: "...slagsmålsklubben..."

Gesundheit.


message 90: by Jacob (last edited Jan 25, 2012 02:53PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob The Bollywood musical version? Still haven't seen that...


message 91: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Does such a thing exist? Life is bee-yoo-T-full.


message 92: by j (new)

j nooooooo the swedish version! THE SWEDISH VERSION OF EVERYTHING IS BETTER!


message 93: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Ok, so the Bollywood version isn't really Fight Club--it's just a movie about a group of friends who start a fight club. But there's still song and dance.


message 94: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez I must see this.


message 95: by Jacob (last edited Jan 25, 2012 03:07PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob Wikipedia says Slagsmålsklubben is a Swedish band. Is there a movie too?


message 96: by j (new)

j clearly you haven't run into any passionate defenders of the swedish dragon tattoo movies.


message 97: by j (new)

j get it because david fincher.


message 98: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Ha! Ok, now I'm caught up.


message 99: by Jacob (new) - rated it 1 star

Jacob I still haven't read the books.

Please don't hurt me.


message 100: by j (new)

j yes but you exist on the internet. those people hate david fincher and love noomi rapace and they want you to know that americans are stupid.


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