Sign in with Facebookjo's Reviews > Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain
Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain
by Portia de Rossi
by Portia de Rossi
jo's review
bookshelves: memoir, the-body, queer, mama-is-crazy
Dec 12, 10
bookshelves: memoir, the-body, queer, mama-is-crazy
Read from December 10 to 12, 2010
i wish i knew the conditions of the publishing of this book. it is so obvious that the book could have been much, much better with just some editing (even just some basic copy-editing would have made a difference!). the hand of a loving editor could have made it so much stronger, it's a real shame this hand wasn't given much, or any, play.
the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingeing and began the serious process of being a bone fide anorexic, is fascinating and heart-rending. portia represents very well the interdependence of control, lack of control, self-deception, compulsion, obsession and self-hatred that make this condition so damn difficult to heal. she also hints, maybe unwillingly, to some of the dynamics that took her to her massive lack of self-confidence and her tremendous self-hatred. at some point, in one brief passage, she fingers her father as the obvious culprit, but the book makes abundantly clear that the relation between portia and her mother is not a little problematic.
the second part, therefore, is the best and most readable. i think one could simply skip the first and start there. this is not to say it could not have used editing, too.
at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written. it must have been tough. in spite of her obvious weaknesses, this woman is a marvel of strength, talent, and resilience. i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, survive and manage to create meaningful relationships, and sit down to write a 300 page book about it all. just wow.
i read this because i was wondering whether to teach it. it's a good representation of what an eating disorder is, but ultimately, in spite of portia's best efforts, it still proclaims the gospel of thinness. i like that portia points out that all of us have a basic weight we'll naturally gravitate around if things are pretty decent for us and we don't eat crazily, but i am sorry she didn't say that, for some people, this weight is not 130 lb. for some people it's 180 lb, and that's okay too. i wish she had said this.
we owe so much to ellen. she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women. i am happy that portia and ellen found each other.
maybe i will teach the second half of this book. i'm not sure i'll teach the epilogue, though. i want kids to feel okay about being heavier than 130 lb.
the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingeing and began the serious process of being a bone fide anorexic, is fascinating and heart-rending. portia represents very well the interdependence of control, lack of control, self-deception, compulsion, obsession and self-hatred that make this condition so damn difficult to heal. she also hints, maybe unwillingly, to some of the dynamics that took her to her massive lack of self-confidence and her tremendous self-hatred. at some point, in one brief passage, she fingers her father as the obvious culprit, but the book makes abundantly clear that the relation between portia and her mother is not a little problematic.
the second part, therefore, is the best and most readable. i think one could simply skip the first and start there. this is not to say it could not have used editing, too.
at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written. it must have been tough. in spite of her obvious weaknesses, this woman is a marvel of strength, talent, and resilience. i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, survive and manage to create meaningful relationships, and sit down to write a 300 page book about it all. just wow.
i read this because i was wondering whether to teach it. it's a good representation of what an eating disorder is, but ultimately, in spite of portia's best efforts, it still proclaims the gospel of thinness. i like that portia points out that all of us have a basic weight we'll naturally gravitate around if things are pretty decent for us and we don't eat crazily, but i am sorry she didn't say that, for some people, this weight is not 130 lb. for some people it's 180 lb, and that's okay too. i wish she had said this.
we owe so much to ellen. she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women. i am happy that portia and ellen found each other.
maybe i will teach the second half of this book. i'm not sure i'll teach the epilogue, though. i want kids to feel okay about being heavier than 130 lb.
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Reading Progress
| 12/10/2010 | "i'm a lesbian celebrity whore." |
Comments (showing 1-35 of 35) (35 new)
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Jennifer (aka EM) wrote: "jo, great review. I think this: "i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, ..." speaks a lot to the kind of job she had, which actually supports anorexia and unhealthy body image, yeah?..."Agreed. In fact you could say that kind of job promotes unhealthy body image.
Someone very close to me lived with this disease for two decades. I'm not sure there is much large variation in the natural weight of one person compared to that of another, but I am positive that a healthy lifestyle which includes healthy eating habits avoids preoccupation with image. It becomes a matter of self-respect rather than an issue of control. And this change in perspective seems to require as least as much time as the length of time which one has suffered the condition. It is the lack of control and ability to make supported decisions during childhood and pre-teens that precipitates preoccupation with something that represents unconditional love ('food') and controlling the longing for both approval and the need to self-regulate.
jen, i'm afraid i don't know of any book. hazel, i sincerely doubt all actresses are as sick as she was. she was really, really sick. but it is true that the image industry is HORRIBLE. i cannot even tell you how happy i am that i don't watch tv or read magazines. when i read magazines in my therapist's office i feel outraged (also, outraged that my therapist should be having them in her office!).
G N: i don't think we can avoid preoccupation with image -- not if we are females and live in the western world, but we can lessen it through education. what you say in your comment, though, is astute and deep and seems to me to get right to the heart of it. thank you.
at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written.yes!
jo, i don't know much about celebrity culture. or maybe i just live in a cave...what did ellen do?
jennifer, i can't think of any book to recommend right now, but i can think of one to stay away from. it's a young adult book about eating disorders that i think not only romanticises being really thin and anorexic, but teaches a lot of tricks to anyone trying to hide their eating disorder. it's called Wintergirls and while i think she captures aspects of struggling with an eating disorder, it's not something i'd want anyone struggling with these issues to be reading myself.
i'll think about it more. the only one i can think of right now is likely not age appropriate and is non fiction. and i haven't read it in a long time.
gn-i agree that the issue of control is central to healing an eating disorder, and focusing only on the weight and body images issues isn't enough.
Emilie wrote: "at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written.yes!
jo, i don't know much about celebrity culture. or maybe i just live in a cave...what did ellen do?
jennifer, i can't t..."
I'm also ignorant about celebrity culture, and US pop culture. Aren't there lots of celebrity memoirs? Why is it remarkable that the book was written? Do you mean she was close to death?
Jennifer, I also have a 7 year old niece, who seems very influenced by mass culture and I am concerned. I haven't checked recent research findings, but sport used to be recommended as good for girls in many ways. I was bookish rather than sporty, myself, but my intention is to encourage athleticism for fun, rather than competition. I hope that building her sense of herself as a strong, capable creature in a world full of possibility will counteract the influence of Disney, television and magazines and consumerism. But it's a scary prospect.
You might be aware that eating disorders were listed among so-called culture-specific psychiatric syndromes. I'm watching a BBC report on Somali women right now. They don't get anorexia.
Hazel, I haven't seen the Somali report, but I did live in Ethiopia for two years and interact with Somali women.There are three aspects to these cultures - 1) the focus is on the individual as a whole, ie not a deconstructed human, which is what we do in terms of image in western (influenced) society. By that I mean a person will be identified, for example, by the way they walk, as opposed to whether they have long or short hair, small or large hips, broad or narrow shoulders. Mirrors are the eyes of another person.
Secondly, food is either plentiful or scarce, and is associated with wealth. Thin people are poor, fat people are rich. And many people are plain starving. So anorexia is a state of being, as opposed to a state of mind, in the sense of not having access to food on a regular basis, for many people, both males, females and children.
Thirdly, women from a young age, while oppressed, are also given all the responsibility for running the house, providing the income, and making decisions. Their oppression occurs during childhood but is also balanced by training to take responsibility for the household from a very young age. (Please note that I am neither glorifying nor sanctioning the oppression.)
I think these factors make a difference as to the prevalence of addiction disorders (I class anorexia and bulimia as simply being on the spectrum of this class of nervous disorder, and it has its foundations in the type of upbringing one experiences as a child).
Jo, Jen, thank you for your thoughtful remarks.
emilie: ellen degeneres is the first tv/movies lesbian (gay person?) who came out publicly. she did it so publicly, in fact, that she did it on her own (fabulous) sitcom. this was in 1997, when you were probably in elementary school :) her show got canceled soon after and she did no work for a number of years, until, partly thanks to her, hollywood got all about about the gayz (in its own terms of course) and now ellen is the mega star she is. hazel: yeah, she was close to dying. her addiction to starvation was so extensive and deeply rooted that it's a miracle, to me, that she overcame it enough to 1. survive 2. get it together and 3. write a book about it. it's hard to write a book about one's own history of pain. you need a pretty good level of mental organization and self-assurance. portia seemed to me (from what she herself says) to lack both in a very extreme way. i'm so glad for her her life turned around.
jen: this may be me, but a teenager with a potential eating disorder is likely to find a book about an eating disorder encouraging rather than deterring. i may be entirely off here and i hope the communal wisdom might help. if the eating disorder is serious, denial and obsession will find fuel in everything. i'd leave this one alone, except for giving young niece lots of love, and trying to avoid talking about her body or food at all. if there isn't a serious underlying psychological issue, it should sort itself out. also, you may want try to convey to her that you are really happy with your body. kids have so, so few positive role models nowadays...
thanks, all, for the great comments.GN - I'm doing some work with an international development agency right now, and the position of women as the economic decision-makers in many African countries (yes, I acknowledge and abhor the oppression, too) is such a strong power base from which to build more just and robust societies. Such a complex picture, but when food is perceived solely as the fuel required to support life, the behaviour around it tends not to be pathologized. As opposed to here in the so-called developed world, where we have the luxury to treat food as anything but that - a means of control, a way to manage our own emotions, entertainment, you name it.
Thanks for the recs on my niece -- she is very sporty - but competitively so (danger, danger, will rogers). She is focused on the muscles she's building as a result of horseback riding, not the technique or other aspects of the sport. She loves to cook and bake -- but she seems to lack a fundamental knowledge of nutrition. She'll devour a plate of brownies, but then won't eat lunch -- and will exercise instead -- because she's worried about the calories she's taking in and that she'll "get fat."
And both my brother (her father) and I have had body image issues our whole lives, so ...... it's absolutely a struggle that few of us are immune to.
In fact, I think I need to talk to him about it first. This has been helpful, thank you.
Jen, Jo, Hazel, Emilie, for what it's worth, this book is extraodinarily insightful into the origin of our disorders as adults. I recommend reading it without hesitation, whether you are a parent or not.Parenting for a Peaceful World
And, if I may just add in support of Jo's point regarding the fascination for books about eating disorders, the person who I knew started out with dieting magazines and progressed to the Cleo/Cosmo pages about anorexia/bulimia, and commenced emulating the behaviours. I wouldn't recommend any emphasis on eating disorders at all, in fact, distraction and focus on healthy behaviours would be a better option, given my (second-hand) experience.
G N wrote: "Jen, Jo, Hazel, Emilie, for what it's worth, this book is extraodinarily insightful into the origin of our disorders as adults. I recommend reading it without hesitation, whether you are a parent ..."I agree with the idea of emphasising healthy eating and lifestyle, and providing healthy role models, rather than putting the emphasis on pathology. Oh, it's all complex, isn't it?
when food is perceived solely as the fuel required to support life, the behaviour around it tends not to be pathologized.
That makes a lot of sense.
thanks for explaining and including the clip, jo. watching that made me teary, in a good way. it's so beautifully done. it's infuriating that her show was cancelled shortly after. and wow, that's laura dern. (i think.)
you don't need no stinking master's! simply organize a little viewing group on this here GRing site (or we can use fb, or diaspora, or whatever) and we can do all the talking they do in those classes just among ourselves with our bright young minds!
that's a really cool idea, jo. and not only this, but maybe other things i wish i could study too...(specifically representations of mental illness in film and tv)
i'm not on fb. pretty much this and last.fm. what's diapora?
how would you suggest organising a little viewing group?
though, i am limited right now in my own participation to what's available on instant at netflix, as my disk player is broken and i don't have tv. (though i get to watch tv at my sister's house! but her silly dvd player is broken!)
i'm hoping to get this fixed soon, i miss watching more movies! and i've seen some great titles on instant. i vote for putting hitchcock's "rope" on our syllabus.
we can form a little blog, since maybe GR would not be so happy with our having a film group here. and we could have a syllabus (haha) with representations of mentally ill people and one with representations of queer people in movies and tv. i however reserve the right not to watch totally or even moderately depressing movies (you know, like frances -- yikes!). good thing is, just about all movies that fit into these two categories are probably gonna be on watch instantly!now, who's in?
i'm in!i am angry at netflix for taking away all the cool friend features, including the lists. that would've been helpful in creating our syllabi. (yup, i love saying that word!)
and no one watches anything they don't want to! sometimes i can't do scary scary graphic but i like sad movies. frances is both!
i am super angry at netflix for the same reason. glad to find someone who shares my anger and puzzlement. why did they stop? i don't understand.
i don't know what they would say is why they stopped. it's my guess/personal (cynical) theory that they did it because it saves them a lot of money not to have to pay for the space to store all that extra information and to have the pages load in a more uniform way for more users saves money and time.they made these changes right at a time when really big amounts of people were joining netflix everyday and they were having to open more netflix'es because it got way too expensive to go the movies. they didn't need to have the hooks/features.
i read and watched people arguing with netflix to please please please not take away the friends features, and netflix seemed to just not care. they knew they were the most affordable option and had such a good selection. but maybe i'm just being too cynical?
This is a nice idea. I get annoyed at most Hollywood representations of mental illness, though. Might not be able to stand it. I could lurk, and make the occasional comment. :-)
hazel and jo, are you into subtitled films? i can think of a few good foreign language films where mental illness is depicted in a way that feels more respectful to me. i really wish i had access to my old lists up at netflix, and should've copied it into my own document before they took it down, but nope.
hi, i am not thinking clearly lately. i can only think of a few right now. "elling" is a good one, and it's funny too. i love "dans paris" too. "the story of adele h. and "the fire within" i love too, they are both very depressing, though.i'd love any films either of you like, too.
Jo, there is a film group on GR if you decide to set it up here.I've a list of foreign language films (which cover more than the topics here) but if you decide to go ahead with your collective idea, let me know and I'll pass it on.
(I don't have television so I'm presumiing either download or DVD availability is what you had in mind, too?)
love the part where you say "we owe so much to Ellen, she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women". Ellen is one of my major heroes for her bravery!
You do realise this wasnt supposed to be editted right? she has said in many interviews that she didn't want help and she wanted to describe it in HER words not someone elses, whether they are perfect or not, i think the book is more about the actual life threatening event than the grammar.
On a slight tangent, I am really worried about my 11-year-old niece. She is starting to develop what I recognize as really unhealthy body image issues and a fear / loathing of anything she defines as 'fat' (that definition being entirely shaped by Hollywood and fashion industry standards, of course).
Would love your thoughts on age-appropriate reading on the topic for her, if you (or anyone reading this) know of anything.