I enjoy your insights. My wife and I are currently half-way through the book. Understanding that a therapist wrote it, he certainly sees a number of people who all share one attitude in common toward their spouses: "I'm not feeling loved, it's not my fault, and I need you to do something about it." I will definitely check out the book you recommend.

I'm so pleased I could help. I'm also so delighted that a man and his wife are exploring how to better themselves, their marriage, and their love together. How wonderful. Good luck to you. Change is hard and a continual process through baby steps, but I know you can do it! If that book I recommended is hard for you to read as it was for me, the author also has his lectures on CD (which helped me tons!). But they are really expensive. I wasn’t about to pay that price so I borrowed the CD’s from a friend, but after I listened to them I decided to buy them so I could share what I learned with my close friends and family. The CD’s don’t necessarily cover more material than the book, but through the hours of lectures (about 25) during which he is really entertaining and explains in better details the concepts he presents, I was able to understand and apply what I learned into my own life. The author's website is http://www.drsterlingellsworth.com

Dear Asia,

I would like to respectfully disagree with your assertion that it is twisted for a man to view sex as a love language. Sex for many men is a major part of the way we receive and give love. For me, and others I know, it is an important part of the marriage and it is hard to feel loving and kind towards your partner when sex is being withheld. For those times when it is withheld you feel tension growing between you, a reduction in the total "love bank" and over time even anger and resentment can grow. The old joke about a woman needing to feel loved in order to have sex, while men need sex to feel loved, has a lot of truth to it.

One of the first things I would enjoy on returning home from travel afar is having sex with my wife of 18 years to reestablish communications, intimacy and more. For her of course, she needs several days or even weeks of company, handholding, backrubs, tea and breakfast in bed and conversations before sex can even be considered. While I know that our household suffers from one person with an extremely low drive (and the other with a very high drive) there is still a lot of other love and affection thrown around. But if we had to wait until my partner actually felt like having sex, then it would be a once or twice a year thing (this is not a statement on me, we have had a lot of therapy on this matter, it is just an incredibly low desire on her behalf for any forms of sexual contact).

I know from many years of experience (I am 48) that for me, sex is a very important part of the love covenant, and without it, the marriage gets piles of additional stress.

So why cant a man have a love language of sex? Why, when it is one of the greatest pleasures we have as adults (that is fatfree and harmless when done between married couples in a loving manner), should it not be possible for this to be a language of love. I know that for me I feel 500 times more loving to her after some form (any form?) of sexual contact than before. And I am a guy who loves to buy her flowers, write my own cards, letters or poems to her and more.

So why is it twisted? And why dysfunctional?

Surely in marriages we all have to "do our duty" sometimes. There are times she needs a back rub or massage and I deliver it, even though I really dont want to.

SO I disagree - because I know that I have always expressed love to my partner, and a HUGE part of that was taking the time to try, as best as I could, to please her sexually as well.

While I agree there are much better books around that dont promote subservience, I really wanted to provide an alternative view to yours on this. Its personal to me, its from my heart, and its not meant to insult you or anyone else. But I do genuinely believe that sex in the marriage is one valid form of the language of love (personally I think there is a LOT more than just 5 languages in this format).

regards & thanks

David

Dear David,

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I love how easily we can discuss books with anyone out there through the internet and more specifically: Goodreads. It’s especially interesting for me to appropriately hear about a male’s opinion about sexual intercourse in a marital relationship (other than my husband’s opinion). What a unique opportunity.

In trying to understand where you are coming from and what you’re saying, I don’t think we actually disagree on the point your making (although perhaps the labels we use are different).

I view sex as an essential, important, critical and huge component to marriage. An act of love not in order to get love. I also think that the wife shouldn’t withhold sex from her husband (I guess there’s exceptions to this like if the husband is really mean or disrespectful of his wife. But since my husband is so kind and respectful, when he wants to I usually am all for it. I love that I can fill this need for him even though it doesn’t always arouse me. Of course it’s uncomfortable at times; that should just be expected. However, when he wants to and I’m too tired or don’t want to for other reasons, I just say so and he either says he wants it so bad and asks me to reconsider or he says okay. When he says he wants it soooo much, I know that he will be terribly uncomfortable and so I am willing to. He has also communicated to me that he doesn’t like to be the one that always initiates it so I act like I want him badly at times and we have fun with that. This component of our marriage isn’t all perfect at all. We have had our many challenges/miscommunications but respect and love for one another has won out in the end). Women should never use sex as a reward or punishment. We shouldn’t only give it when we are getting enough cuddling, listening ear time, presents etc. Of course we won’t feel like it when we aren’t feeling emotionally close to our husbands, but withholding it will only make the chasm wider (also, it’s not our husband’s responsibility to fill our “love buckets” or our self-esteem. It’s our problem if we don’t feel love for ourselves or our mate. We need to fill our own love buckets or get help from God. Love for our mate is a choice we make.). We shouldn’t expect to feel close before every sexual time. We need to change our minds from thinking that is a pre-requisite. We also need to change our expectations that it will be as enjoyable for us as it is portrayed in the media or even as it is for our husbands. With reasonable, realistic expectations, it isn’t a boring duty but a marvelous gift that we alone can provide for the person we love the most! It’s amazing what just a few minutes in bed just 3-4 times per week can do for my husband and for our marriage.

But I don’t think it should be one of his love languages. In that book (which I actually learned a lot from even though I pointed out it’s huge flaws), it is on a very basic level saying that we get our self-esteem from one of these 5 ways and that sex can be one of those ways. And since I don’t believe that a healthy person has to rely on someone else for their self-esteem, sex can’t be a healthy person’s “love language” (I also don’t believe that sex should be self-administered or with anyone else besides one’s spouse).

I think sex is meant to celebrate the union of two married people, not for a good time (like some people think like it’s portrayed in the media with the partner being exchangeable or not needed), or even to fill one’s love bucket (or in other words: give them self-esteem). So I guess what I’m saying, what the difference I’m trying to communicate is this: Sex isn’t to create love in a marriage but to honor and strengthen the love you have.

I sincerely hope the best for you and I both in our separate pursuits to have healthy sex with our spouses. I hope I can feel like my husband is trying to celebrate our union through sex rather than the just-for-fun motive. I hope your wife realizes your need for it more immediately after your trips and more often. And I hope wives everywhere will stop having unrealistic expectations in their pursuits of sexual satisfaction. Most wives everywhere would probably hardly ever have sex if it were only up to them.

Am I being unrealistic in my thoughts? Is it impossible for my husband to sexually want only me and have his motive throughout sex to be an expression of love? Or should I change my expectations and be okay with his focus on entertaining himself which at times seems to barely have anything to do with me? Obviously I’m being more open than I probably should, but I would really like to know since I’m trying to deal with this issue currently and am having a hard time since it’s not something one can really talk about with others especially other males. Let me know what you think.

Thanks, Asia

Dear Asia,
We all live in different marriages with different communication patterns. Like mnost marriages, mine has its up & downs One ongoing issue is sex and sexuality. (Anything I say is the male point of view and does not reflect my spouses situation, opinions, or feelings).

For me sex is a very important part of marriage. As important as hugging, kissing, telling my wife she is valued, & doing things we do for each other (cooking, cleaning, maintenance, etc). But what happens when the wife views it as a chore (mostly) to be got over with as fast as possible.

I cant recall the last time we "made love" as opposed to just "had sex" ('have you finished yet?', or 'you can have it if you must' (which is v.unromantic). Asiude from that we hold hands, kiss and cuddle, talk and discuss, buy gifts and do things. The idea of a willing partner or even just partly willing partner 3-4 times per week would be just heaven sent!.

So this males point of view on your questions is:
1) wives commonly withhold sex from husbands. It is one of the most common grounds for marital power a woman has/uses. This I know from discussions with many men who want more frequent sex from their wives, and dont get it. Usually we get to a point where once a week is considered a blessing, although I know of some who are at 3-4 times a week (and still feeling shortchanged) & others that struggle to get lucky once every month or two or even less.

I will not go into the many and varied reasons, but there is no question in our minds that wives frequently use this withholding as a subtle or unconscious form of power. It is evidenced in the statements such as "Well if you did more of xxxxxxx (walking, talking, handholding, flowers etc) then I might feel like it". Interestingly for most of us, when we do the things they say, either there no significant change in the bedroom, or just as frequently they find reasons why what we did is not good enough or even ensure our efforts fail. Many women will disagree with this, but time after time I hear guys saying they tried to do what their wife requested BUT ..... This does not apply to all women & all marriages, but it is not uncommon at all.

For us of course loving our wife is expressed sexually much more than in any other way. Most men would be very happy to take the time to learn what our wives want to be satisfied, if only she could express it in words and ways we understood. Most often they dont.

2) Somebody said that men think of sex 5,000 times per day. I dont know where they got that statistic but it is plain wrong - we think of it much more often than that. It is in our minds from the moment we wake till the moment we sleep - and even in our dreams - every day of every year. That's normal (but we dont normally admit that to women - they think we are perverted). So take it as a given fact that men THINK of SEX VIRTUALLY CONTINUOUSLY. This is a challenge for women, as they want romance, closeness etc, while men want sex (which leads to romance etc for them). No matter how much sex you give a man, he wants more (until he dies or is exhausted). My own wife complained to our counsellor one day - "See what happens - I gave him sex and he immediately wants more" Well yes I do, after all its fun, its fantastic, its with a woman I love, and it just feels so good! But to her, she has "done the deed" and now cant I leave her alone for a week or even better a month or year?

Personally, after 18 years with my wife, I still have zero idea what turns her on. Despite many requests I have never received guidance that I could understand and her total silence during the act can either be just "enjoyable" silence, "Waiting till its over" silence, or "My god I hate this" silence. I have no way of knowing, and never get told if I do ask. SO how do I know if what I do is right or wrong or whatever. I dont! When I ask, what can I do to turn you on, I get no answer, or "I dont want to talk about it now". So men get left in limbo where we want sex with our wife, but have no knowledge on how to initiate it in a way that does not offend our partner. I have resorted to asking her once or twice a day, using several different expressions and methods to provide variety, because I dont want to miss out. THe feeling of being told "I felt like being close to you today" (sexually) "but you didnt seem to want it" was just devastating. I cant believe I missed out on it because she thought I might not have felt like it (I do). Most often because it was a fleeting thought that crossed her mind and then the daily rush of life got in the way.

My wife however long ago decided that I need to "Fix the problem myself". As long as I dont expose her to the process excessively she is happy enough most of the time for me to retreat privately and look at pictures or a film if I need that aid (sometime-yes/sometimes-no). She sees that as less hassle than having me "groping" her all the time. I see me touching her as an expression of love, She sees it as unwarranted sexual harrassment.

Most of the time our sex is just "oh well, you can have it if you want" as she knows what I get like without it. I find this continually disappointing, and have frequent fantasies about sex with a partner who actually seriously enjoys it.

I cant separate sex and love in my mind, They are to me two sides to the same coin. Sex is an expression of love, and one of the ways of love is sex. I cant imagine one without the other in a male/female married relationship. So living without much of it significantly diminishes the love I feel, and weakens the bonds of the marriage (a lot). The longer it goes, the more I feel resentful & angry (although I try VERY hard not to show it) and the more I think about other alternatives even though I dont want to.

3) Men are visual creatures. My wife is not a playboy bunny, and never has been of that build. But to me she is the sexiest woman alive. I still revel in her every curve & every move. I love to watch her move, dress, shower, undress etc. It turns me on. But, I also get turned on & interested in other women too, older, younger, darker, lighter, bigger, smaller. Many (most?) women are interesting to look at & occasionally) fantasize over. But I always reserve the action for home!

We are genetically programmed to be interested in women (all women, not just one woman!) but this does not mean we cannot love and be faithful to one woman - we can. We just need that woman to meet many of our basic needs! (and in return meet many of hers too).

4) Is it possible for a man to want only you and never think of anyone else. Baring a psychotic person, I say No!. It is impossible for a normal man to be like that. Anyone that says that is a liar! We might say that to please our wife, but the next attractive girl we see will trigger thoughts (no matter how fleeting).

That would be like telling a man not to masturbate. Unless he has sexual disfunction, its almost impossible for a man not to do this sometimes. Some of do it 1 or 2 times a day, others would be weekly,others monthly. But in our lives we all do it (but usually NEVER talk about it). Sex surveys show we range from the few times daily to several times weekly and getting less as we get older.

For us, sex is often "Sex". Its not always something else, sometimes its just sex, without romance, love or anything else. That is just great fun too at times, although mostly at that point its more "pressure relief". Try giving your partner a hand job, and see that its not love, its just a wonderful feeling and physical relief (but what a wonderful thing to receive anyway). Its just like a back massage. The intent of giving it can change - but it stil should feel nice. This all fosters love.

Does this help at all? I hope you get something out of this ramble. I am willing to answer more.

regards
David

Dear David,
Thank you for your thoughts and answers. I still can’t believe we’re chatting on like this! It almost seems inappropriate (due to the subject matter and gender difference between us) and yet I don’t think we’ve crossed that line at all. You have been remarkable open and honest. Thank you. I marvel at the apparent love and willingness to please your spouse. I have gained great insight into a man’s mind about why he adores sex so much and how horrible you feel without it.
I want to start by an opinion that extremely differs from yours that will blow your mind. Although it is a natural instinct, I don’t think men should masturbate or look at pornography at all—ever. I believe that God intends men (and women in different areas) to learn to be in control of their bodies and thoughts, however difficult. I believe that with God’s help, this is entirely possible. I’ve seen it happen in many people’s lives including my own (although my natural tenancy that God has helped me with was to be easily angered). Perhaps this view is why I’m so willing to have sex with enthusiasm whenever my husband wants it.
My son just got home so I’ve gotta jet.
Sincerely, Asia

Dear Asia

My apologies if I mentioned topics that are too personal. I certainly dont intend that. I was trying to be open about how most men are. Most of us wont admit it, but we are like that. My aim was to demonstrate that men are sexual creatures that are very different to women, and that for us, one of the forms of love is sexual.

As for my particular situtaion, that is not really relevant to anyone other than my own marriage. It was just an example. I have long realised that most women believe men should "restrain themselves" from self-pleasure, and especially from the use of external aids (Visual or otherwise). However, may I ask a question: How long should a man be required to go without close physical contact with his spouse before he is allowed to use other means to resolve his frustrations? For me - one time it was well over a year before my spouse permitted me to get close to her again. Yet in that time we had no serious arguments, no serious issues, no falling outs (a few minor things of course) and she always said she loved me, she just said she "didnt feel like it".

So how long does a man wait? Remember that without that close contact (or self resolution if no spousal contact is forthcoming) a man becomes increasingly frustrated, angry, tense, convinced his wife does not love him, and is therefore tempted externally (possibly to other women). One path that can resolve this (but not my preferred one) is to resolve the situation yourself on a regular basis so you are not frustrated, angry etc etc. Personally I would ALWAYS rather be "close" to my wife, but that can be very very long periods of nothingness, so what substitutes do we have. Cold showers only last so long!!

Back to the main topic - ask your husband - is sex for him a language of love? Does he express his love for you through having gfood sex with you. I bet he says YES! ..... and means it!

Does any of this help? I suggest you talk to him, ask for his open honest views. Tell him you will NOT criticise or hold against him anything he says. He is only talking about things, not doing. SO he should be free to say his honest thoughts- and then you trust him not to act on those thoughts if they are not in accordance with your credo.

For example, at times I have travelled a lot for work (but not now). I would always talk to my wife whenever I was tempted to stray (this is not frequent - but just sometimes over the years the temptation was there). If the pressure got too bad and I could not clear the thoughts from my mind, I would call her and tell her what I was thinking and why (usually just extreme frustration). While her response was normally - "You're always like that", inside me it felt better to be honest and open, and I found it easier to then cope with the feelings. I would then also reassure her when I got home that absolutely nothing happened, and it was the conversation with her that reestablished my equilibrium. Of course this was exascerbated by the long drought of infrequent close contact between us that has run for many years.

Make no mistake - I love her greatly. I am discussing differences between us that may be relevant. Talk to your husband, give him the freedom of honesty. Then remember that he has chosen to be with you for these years, and no-one else. That, my friend, is love!

Regards
David

Dear David,

Oh, your comments have been great! Thank you for your insight and open honesty. As far as how long a man must wait, I think we just have different beliefs. I won’t condemn you for not sharing my beliefs but my religious beliefs include that God doesn’t want us to use masturbation or pornography. And the men in my religion believe this as well. Granted, many of them slip up, but it is their desire to never use these means.

To speak in generalities (I don’t want to offend anyone), I think it is VERY WRONG for a wife to withhold sex from her husband. I also think that although a man should still not have an affair, if his wife is withholding sex it, he would be more vulnerable to turn to someone else. I can’t imagine why a wife would be so cruel as to withhold sex from her husband. I do understand somewhat how terrible and uncomfortable it is for a man (but on the other hand—they still should be in control of their own bodies and shouldn’t turn to porn, self-gratification, immoral thoughts or an affair).

I like your idea about asking my husband about his feeling about sex. I can’t believe how critical us women can be of our men. I can’t believe how quick we are to not validate their feelings and instead be quick to judge and change them (The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a good book to read to help women with this although I don’t agree with everything completely she says). I’ve been working A TON on this. One thing that has helped me a lot is to recognize that I’m not responsible for his feelings or actions (meaning he can have totally different or even seemingly wrong thoughts/actions and that’s okay- I’m not responsible to change them and I don’t look bad for them and I won’t be held accountable for them). Instead I’m only responsible TO my husband. Responsible to love him, listen to him, share my life with him.

I do think sex should be all about love. I love my husband therefore I want to relieve him of the built up sexual pressure he feels (by the way, he doesn’t look at porn or masturbate at all!). I often don’t feel like it but by getting into it anyway (trying to make it a pleasurable experience for him) and focusing my mind on all the love I have for him and having fun with it, I actually really like it almost every single time. It’s all in the frame of mind. I choose to make it a good experience. I feel closer to him afterwards.

I can’t wait to ask my husband in what way it is about love for him. I’ll let you know what he says.

I can tell you love your wife so much. Good job being open and honest with her. I’m impressed with how you involved her with your weaknesses and made yourself accountable to her rather than trying to be strong on your own. That’s impressive. I’m also impressed that you aren’t more mad at her for withholding but maybe I shouldn’t say that. Maybe some girlfriend of hers could suggest to her to read that Dr. Laura book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Does she like Dr. Laura? Her programming can be found on the AM radio daily. It’s interesting. It just sounds like your wife has an unrealistic expectation about sex (that she should only have it when she feels like it). I think media has been a culprit for painting a skewed picture of what sex should be about. Well anyway, thanks again.

Love, Asia Snow