Caris's Reviews > Night of the Assholes

Night of the Assholes by Kevin L. Donihe
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Dec 26, 10

bookshelves: bizarro, 2010
Recommended for: Michael Springer
Read from December 23 to 24, 2010

Talk about worst fears realized.

I work in public service. I am around assholes all day. When five o’clock rolls around, though, I get to go home, wash my hands of them, and settle into my relatively tranquil home environment. I’m pretty good at dealing with assholes. Some of my coworkers have nightmares, because assholes are that bad.

Assholes fucking suck. If you’re resolve isn’t set, they can completely ruin your day. There have been times that I have been so horribly frustrated with inconsiderate douchebags that I’ve wanted to quit my job just so I could throttle them without being terminated.

I’m glad I never did. Because, apparently, once you’ve been an asshole to an asshole, you become an asshole. You defecate on lawns with the sole intention of smearing your own byproducts on someone’s house. You slash tires, grab women in inappropriate ways, and ride strapping young football players around wearing only assless chaps.

Of course, that’s not the best choice of apparel for an asshole, as their Achilles’ heel is more of an Achilles’ asshole. That’s right, the only way to kill an asshole without becoming an asshole is to stab him/her in the asshole. The preferred tools for dispatching assholes are umbrellas, broken sticks, and poles of all varieties. All of these things fit nicely into the assholes of assholes.

Kevin Donihe has knocked another one out of the park. This book was so much fun that I couldn’t be bothered to stop reading it and managed to put almost all of it away in a single sitting. He reprises the sheer joy of The Greatest Fucking Moment in Sports and combines it with the sheer absurdity of Night of the Living Dead. It’s funny, weird, and crude all at the same time and in all the right ways.

Wordcounts:
chaps - 1
and - 6
the - 13
asshole(s) - 15
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Comments (showing 1-43 of 43) (43 new)

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message 1: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Is this the story of your birth?


Caris You're confusing Night of the Assholes with the New Testament.


message 3: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Well...hahahah! Okay, true. This title could replace the other, for Nabal, Adam when he blamed Eve (douche thing to do), Abraham's brothers who sold him to Egypt, Judas, etc. etc. etc. etc..


message 4: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Hmmm, time that coulda been spent reading Cormac McCarthy and opening new cans of worms.


Caris I just got a couple more McCarthy books from the library this afternoon. Night of the Assholes has been beckoning from my bookshelf since November. And that's because it's awesome. It's probably the best thing to sandwich between two of that awful son of a bitch's depressing-ass narratives.


message 6: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma You're gonna love Gene Harrogate--trust me. And you're gonna laugh.


Caris Which one is that from?


message 8: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Suttree.


message 9: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma He's a minor character, but with McCarthy, you take the comic relief where you can get it. Rather like Blevins, at least early on, in All the Pretty Horses.


Caris Oh, okay. I've got Suttree on hold at the library and All the Pretty Horses at home now. Soon I will understand.


message 11: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Boy, howdy! I hope you can do The Border Trilogy sequentially and in a rather timely manner; it helps. That said, I worry you don't live far enough away from Santa Fe, and that poor Cormac's life might be in danger once you've finished them. Collectively, it's only 1040 pages. Think of it as Infinite Jest, without the footnotes and some Spanish thrown in. (Oh, btw, don't come gunnin' for me either).


Caris I was thinking that I should do the trilogy one after the other. And, don't kid yourself, if something rubs me the wrong way, I will be coming for both you and that old bastard.


message 13: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Start with him, give me some time to run. Suttree is from his Southern Gothic phase, although it's not much like Child of God. All of his books are rather bleak, but the violence is more a part of his western novels and The Road. Happy reading; avoid reading any McCarthy around your wife's or kid's birthdays, holidays you enjoy, when your in-laws or parents visit, before talking to your faculty advisor, etc.


Caris Thanks, Mike. I'll be sure to abstain from McCarthy completely.


message 15: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma You need this, ya wuss. This is literature, we're talking about. Not like the stuff above you've been wallowing in. Suck it up.


Caris Night of the Assholes is fine literature, goddamnit! It's about assholes, for crying out loud! A lot of them!

You are probably right, though. I am a wuss. I need my hide thickened. That way I can learn to write horrible, cruel shit, too.


message 17: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma The Egg Said to Fuck Off, Then Tore Me a New One: The Sequel.


Caris That has a nice ring to it.


message 19: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma It's copyright free. You can have it.


Caris *snatches title from the Internets*


message 21: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Does your ending thing about wordcounts mean that the author used the word "a-hole" more than the word "the"? Nice.


Caris Well, it means that the author of the review used the word "asshole" (not sure what an "a-hole" is) more often than the word "the." The author seemed to have a significantly more varied vocabulary than this reviewer.


Caris This, btw, is the sort of book you would enjoy immensely. It's definitely our kind of humor. You could write a review that's all puns.


message 24: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! I don't want to be classified with you. "Our humor"? You're a total a-hole! I am not.


message 25: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! (happy holidays to you and the family!)


message 26: by Caris (last edited Dec 24, 2010 04:11PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Caris Come on. Don't you want to take the bait? I've got a whole long-winded insult just waiting for you.


message 27: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Oops, sorry. What do I need to say to set up the insult? Ummmm,....

-I know you are but what am I?
-takes one to know one!
-just a few minutes ago, as I was feeding all my cats and polishing my binoculars to spy on the neighbors, I realized my spinning wheel was broken.
-globes.


Caris *sighs*

It's too late now.


message 29: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi Love the word count Caris


message 30: by Brad (new) - added it

Brad So if you get poked in the asshole but you aren't an asshole you're safe? You have to be an asshole for the asshole death to work, right?


message 31: by Caris (last edited Dec 27, 2010 04:05PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Caris Correct. At least, I think so. A few regular folks almost got poked in the asshole, but didn't. However, the assholes who got poked generally got really poked. Poked so hard that the poking device exited through their mouths. I'm about 20% certain that would kill a non-asshole, too. So, I'd say that if you're not an asshole and just get poked in the asshole a little bit, you're safe.


message 32: by Kevin (new)

Kevin L. Caris is correct.


message 33: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi Lol Caris WTF


Caris WTF, indeed.


message 35: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi ROFLcopter


Caris I have no idea what that means, but I agree.


message 37: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi Rolling on the floor helicopter(just a dumb way to say that something's funny)


Caris I'll have to remember that.


message 39: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi Yep, you can use this one too

ROFLMAOLOLOMGBBQROFLCOPTER!

(rolling on the floor laughing my ass off laughing out loud Oh My Gosh Barbeque! rolling on the floor copter!)

'twas a pretty cool meme


Caris Probably not going to remember that one.


message 41: by Joyzi (new)

Joyzi Ha. I bet you really can't :P


Michael Can I read this one, too? Can I, Can I, Can I? I promise I'll let you have your books back, and give you more crabs.

And yes, Caris, get your head out of your ass and start reading some real literature!

(Unless your head is there as a method of asshole defense, because you're an asshole. I can't say for certain.)


Caris Um. I'm trying to kill myself before I turn into an asshole? Yeah. That's it.

I'll deliver this Thursday.


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