Michael's Reviews > The Cannibal's Guide to Ethical Living

The Cannibal's Guide to Ethical Living by Mykle Hansen
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Jan 01, 11

bookshelves: 2000s, fiction-that-speculates
Read from December 01 to 02, 2010

Bizarro seems to be a genre for wrestling with big issues. The issue here is, "How should we deal with the problem of rich fucks?"

And, I'd like to point out that the key word here is not "rich," but "fucks." Not every millionaire needs to be offed, but there are certainly a large portion of them that should be. For instance:



What purpose does this ho serve? She inherited a shit-ton of money, and continues making more by being filmed (which is different from acting) and going to parties. Money is filtered out of the hands of the rest of us because we have a strange obsession with the glamorous, the wealthy, the waifish. This is an unhealthy, distracting obsession, and we would not have it if we simply ate her.

This is, of course, the answer which Hansen proposes: like Aerosmith before him, Hansen says it's high time we eat the rich. While we're at it, we could eat Steven Tyler.

[image error]

I know what you're thinking: "But Michael, Steve wrote all kinds of great songs back in the seventies! Dream On! Walk This Way!" My response to this is, the cells in our body are only around for seven years. Thus, the Steven Tyler in this picture did not write any of those songs. So, it's okay for us to eat him.

By picking out celebrities, I might be diverting this discussion--uhh, monologue--from the subject it's mostly considering: those rich fucks who were born into incredible wealth, with astounding personal connections making it so they can do pretty much anything they want--working only if they feel like it--and thus allowing them to live lives of complete uselessness. Only those who would in fact choose to be useless would be eaten, if I understand his point completely.

I can totally get down with this philosophy, and am putting a napkin on my lap right now. On my (mostly) raw food diet, I usually don't eat meat, but I'd make an exception for the housewives of Orange County. Perhaps with buffalo sauce.

See, once we eat these rich fucks, the money they would've squandered on eighth houses, fighter jets, and weddings than cost more than regular people spend in entire lifetimes, some of this money would be filtered out of their family's hording little hands through the estate tax--which is the best tax ever, because it's a tax on rich fucks who die. The only problem is that not nearly enough of the money would be relocated into the real economy, because so much would pass down to Rich Fuck Jr. The solution of this is, of course, to eat rich families in entirety. Then, we totally relieve society of the burden of this rich fuck family, and the money has nowhere to go but back into the fluid economy.

When we think about societal problems--the housing crash; the overabundance of food in certain parts of the world while other parts of the world starve; reality TV--we usually point the blame in the wrong direction. Know who the real problem is with all of these three important issues? Rich fucks. That's right.

This book was decadently tasty, and although the POV made it a little hard to swallow at first, I became enamored after a few chapters. And, despite the brevity, I didn't finish this book unsatiated. The ending was successful, with everyone getting their just desserts...I'm so sorry. How could I resist punning a little bit, though?

I thoroughly enjoyed this, and I'm excited to read more by Hansen!
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Comments (showing 1-33 of 33) (33 new)

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message 1: by Mike (last edited Jan 01, 2011 12:53PM) (new)

Mike Puma As much as some readers might enjoy licking the plate after devouring Liv Tyler, I'm of the opinion that feasting on Steven Tyler would be too much like eating jerky.


Michael That's probably true. But, with the high concentration of botox and oxycodin, I'd imagine you could keep Steven meat for years without it going bad. It's totally full of preservatives...perhaps some residual cocaine and heroin, even.


message 3: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma So one could ingest his 'appetite enhancer' at the same time one satisfied his hunger. Convenient, and no bong to clean.


Michael Yes, it's like having your coke and eating it, too.


message 5: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Ahhh, the good ol' days.


message 6: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! I know what you're thinking: "But Michael, Steve wrote all kinds of great songs back in the seventies! Dream On! Walk This Way!"

No no no. I was thinking, "But Michael, Steve is hardly made out of flesh anymore after all that plastic surgery! There's no nutrition left on him! And Paris is just silicone and plastic surgery!"

And then I see you considered that in the comments. Well, I'm convinced, all angles have been thought out. Let's eat!


message 7: by Jacob (new)

Jacob Michael wrote: "Yes, it's like having your coke and eating it, too."

Oh, you.


message 8: by Scribble (new)

Scribble Orca What eh? said.

Does Mykle suggest how to redistribute the funds freed from feasting on f**ks?

(ew. sorry about that last sentence. pretty ffed, really).


Michael Hmm, I cannot recall a direct answer, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. I was reading this one during finals, so my recollection is hazy. I'm pretty sure that eliminating each particular rich fuck--or r.f. as we call them in the ethical cannibal culinary business--is a good in and of itself. Therefore, the money going back into the economy is an additional good for Hansen, not the primary one.

I do think there may be ways to gain more from this exchange than just money from the estate tax funneling back into the federal government...which is basically giving the money to other r.f.'s anyway.

Thoughts, anyone?


message 10: by Jasmine (new) - added it

Jasmine the estate tax should be higher.


message 11: by Scribble (last edited Jan 02, 2011 10:43AM) (new)

Scribble Orca Michael wrote: "I do think there may be ways to gain more from this exchange than just money from the estate tax funneling back into the federal government...which is basically giving the money to other r.f.'s anyway.

Thoughts, anyone?"


You'd need a good inheritance lawyer (but not a rich one - is that a contradiction in terms?) to make sure that the will turned over all the assets of the estate to a trust managed by the chefs and guests.

You'd have to have a number of socially conscious CEOs on hand who were willing to work for base pay rates to continue being the captains of industry in order to preserve the income derived from corporate assets.

There'd have to be a consortium to arrange projects designed to alleviate suffering in different parts of the world. Some of the projects funds would have to be diverted to overthrow governments opposing these projects, hoarding cash and generally acting like r.fs as well, so you'd probably have to buy in a few mercenaries, or bribe a few secret civil services.

Hmm. That's starting to sound a bit like the system we've got now (apart from the CEOs). Nah. Scratch all that. Let's get back to eating.


Michael As long as there's buffalo sauce on hand, the rest will work itself out. Perhaps we should eat millionaire politicians as well? Sorry, I'm becoming redundant. If you have the finances to run for any major office, and the inclination towards power necessary to hold that office, you should clearly be grilled, diced, marinated, and served with a side of vegetables.


Caris There are PLENTY of millionaires to go around. We need not be choosy. Pick them like you would any other meat. A nice heavily-marbled Dick Cheney, anyone?


message 14: by Steve (new) - added it

Steve Lowe I would eat Liv Tyler.





That was crude and I apologize. (Just in case my wife ever reads this thread.)


message 15: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Steve wrote: "I would eat Liv Tyler.





That was crude and I apologize. (Just in case my wife ever reads this thread.)"


I knew 'licking the plate' after Liv Tyler would resonate with someone.


message 16: by Steve (last edited Jan 04, 2011 06:58PM) (new) - added it

Steve Lowe Caris wrote: "There are PLENTY of millionaires to go around. We need not be choosy. Pick them like you would any other meat. A nice heavily-marbled Dick Cheney, anyone?"

That would be like picking out the sick, near-dying cow from the feed lot full of better specimens. You need a more robust, healthy, free-range millionaire. I bet a Mark Cuban would be some fine dining. Or Al Gore.


message 17: by Jasmine (new) - added it

Jasmine bill is looking round these days. are we eating the ones we like too?


message 18: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Jasmine wrote: "bill is looking round these days. are we eating the ones we like too?"

(psst, you're a vegetarian, remember? none of this applies to us)


message 19: by FabulousRaye (new) - added it

FabulousRaye Steve, I don't think any of them would be tasty. Younger meat is much more tender and delicious.

Are there any child millionaires?


Caris The Cruise-Holmes kids?


message 21: by Steve (new) - added it

Steve Lowe FabulousRaye wrote: "Steve, I don't think any of them would be tasty. Younger meat is much more tender and delicious.

Are there any child millionaires?"


You could to look to Hollywood for some, but they've likely been pumped full of narcotics by now, thus spoiling their tender meat.


Caris Steve wrote: "That would be like picking out the sick, near-dying cow from the feed lot full of better specimens. You need a more robust, healthy, free-range millionaire. I bet a Mark Cuban would be some fine dining. Or Al Gore. "

Above all else, I'm a humanitarian.


message 23: by Jasmine (new) - added it

Jasmine Mike wrote: "Jasmine wrote: "bill is looking round these days. are we eating the ones we like too?"

(psst, you're a vegetarian, remember? none of this applies to us)"


I don't think that this counts against that.


message 24: by Steve (new) - added it

Steve Lowe Above all else, I'm a humanitarian

Are we having pun yet?


message 25: by Steve (new) - added it

Steve Lowe Caris wrote: "The Cruise-Holmes kids?"

Test tube babies created by Scientologists to give the appearance that Tom Cruise is both straight and also a human? No thanks.


message 26: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Hey, somebody had to nail Holmes with that turkey baster.


message 27: by Steve (new) - added it

Steve Lowe Mike wrote: "Hey, somebody had to nail Holmes with that turkey baster."

C'mon Mike, please don't tell me you fell for that Scientologist ruse otherwise known as the "Katie Holmes pregnancies". I suppose next you'll try to convince me that the moon landing actually happened. Well, I ain't buyin' that neither.


message 28: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma No way, just sayin' someone applied that baster. Maybe it was Tom, maybe it was John Travolta--don't know, don't care--que suri, sera


message 29: by Jasmine (new) - added it

Jasmine Steve wrote: "Mike wrote: "Hey, somebody had to nail Holmes with that turkey baster."

C'mon Mike, please don't tell me you fell for that Scientologist ruse otherwise known as the "Katie Holmes pregnancies". I..."


they just did a Fact or Faked on the moon landing.


message 30: by Caris (last edited Jan 04, 2011 08:05PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Caris Steve wrote: "Caris wrote: "The Cruise-Holmes kids?"

Test tube babies created by Scientologists to give the appearance that Tom Cruise is both straight and also a human? No thanks."


I cannot make myself believe that they'd be any worse than the factory farmed crap available in most supermarkets. I would eat them.


Michael I cannot make myself believe that they'd be any worse than the factory farmed crap available in most supermarkets. I would eat them.

First thing's first, though: we need to eat Donald Trump, and free that poor squirrel he wears on his head. Then, we can move on to Tom Cruise, Holmes, and the Cruise Clone Army.


Caris Kind of like getting the vegetables out of the way. Portly, unattractive, squirrel-covered vegetables.


Michael Hey, if there's one thing I know about Tom Cruise, it's that he cures his own ailments with his mind. Thus, no strange chemicals. It's sort of like eating non-GMO.


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