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Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals
by Kirk Jones (Goodreads Author)
by Kirk Jones (Goodreads Author)
Steve Lowe's review
bookshelves: nbas, bizarro
Dec 06, 10
bookshelves: nbas, bizarro
Read from November 16 to December 05, 2010
I should review this book with a clearer head, one not blocked up with infected globulous matter, but my own phalanx of phlegm reminded me too much of the final showdown in this story. The main character Gary, a slippery feller composed not of flesh but of his own vitreous humor, is battling Uncle Sam and his murderous shadows for control of the inanimals, which are furniture - desks, chairs, couches, futons - that have been imbued with human souls...
Actually, I won't go on since I don't want to spoil anything, though even if I tried to describe what happened, I don't think I could do a good enough job. USCoCI is bizarro through and through. At its heart, it's a tale of love and dreams and discovering the will within to take control of one's self, and in effect, take control of one's future. But specifically, it's a tale about a dude made of his own tears who discovers a talent for making sentient furniture get it on. They are Copulating Inanimals, after all.
This is a wistful story, marked by a muted whimsy and sprinklings of both philosophical insight and carnal lust between said inanimate objects. Who’d have thought a story about furniture forced to have sex would be so gentle and caring toward its characters?
As for those characters, their physical beings very much matched their internal make up. Gary, the man made of his own tears, is emotional and frail. Uncle Sam, the carnival leader, is a physical representation of capitalism in America run amok, and also a greedy shyster only interested in himself.
Creativity and imagination are in full effect here, though the occaisional head-hopping between characters is a tad distracting, as is the somewhat wooden dialogue. These instances were easily forgotten by hot desk-on-desk love scenes. And really, who wouldn't want to read about that? Who would passs up the chance to imagine couch humping? With their plush, tight cushions, so firm and inviting...
That was the cold medicine talking just now. I swear.
Actually, I won't go on since I don't want to spoil anything, though even if I tried to describe what happened, I don't think I could do a good enough job. USCoCI is bizarro through and through. At its heart, it's a tale of love and dreams and discovering the will within to take control of one's self, and in effect, take control of one's future. But specifically, it's a tale about a dude made of his own tears who discovers a talent for making sentient furniture get it on. They are Copulating Inanimals, after all.
This is a wistful story, marked by a muted whimsy and sprinklings of both philosophical insight and carnal lust between said inanimate objects. Who’d have thought a story about furniture forced to have sex would be so gentle and caring toward its characters?
As for those characters, their physical beings very much matched their internal make up. Gary, the man made of his own tears, is emotional and frail. Uncle Sam, the carnival leader, is a physical representation of capitalism in America run amok, and also a greedy shyster only interested in himself.
Creativity and imagination are in full effect here, though the occaisional head-hopping between characters is a tad distracting, as is the somewhat wooden dialogue. These instances were easily forgotten by hot desk-on-desk love scenes. And really, who wouldn't want to read about that? Who would passs up the chance to imagine couch humping? With their plush, tight cushions, so firm and inviting...
That was the cold medicine talking just now. I swear.
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Comments (showing 1-37 of 37) (37 new)
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Dude. I already made the couch fucking line the end of my review. Either you need to change the last line or we need to party.
Wha...? Really? I thought you just tried to make the couches fuck each other, but failed like so much of the rest of your life.I must investigate further...
OK, you may have a tiny argument, but let me say that I took it to the next level, by actually describing the cushions (labia) with such clarity that you could actually picture it as a real sexual object (vagina). I will not yield here. It's one thing to be the first, but it's something else entirely to be the best./gauntlet thrown/
Did you now? If we’re going to be completely candid here (and I hope we are), I actually had a serious amount of pent up sexual aggression just thinking about furniture until your juvenile and amateurish description ruined everything for me. Cushions as labia? Please. You don’t know the first thing about couch anatomy. Try this on for size:I had been watching through the window for months, memorizing the old woman’s habits. Tuesday, I knew, was bingo day. She’d lock up, double check to make sure the spare key was still under the mat where she’d left it, and move along to flaunt her steady monthly income at the nearest casino. I had no idea which one it was, as I could never tear myself away from that window, from that beautiful sight.
But that night was the one. After she left, I wasted no time. I hurried to the front door and excavated the key. My heart pounded in anticipation as I forced it into the keyhole and expertly unlocked the door. I flung it open and stood there, giving the couch my most sensual face.
I rushed over to her and pulled her sensually toward the door. After flipping her on her side, I pulled her through the entryway. I was dying to see her bathed in moonlight.
I sensually rolled her down the porch steps, relishing the sight of her tumbling over the freshly-cut grass. When I finally had her out in the open, free from the harsh lighting of the old woman’s trailer home, I thought I might die from the sheer joy of it.
All of a sudden, the sprinklers came on, dousing us in their sensual water. This, I’ll admit, wasn’t part of the plan, but seeing the droplets dancing all over her covering sent a tingle down my spine. Sensually, I unzipped the plastic cover that hid her wonderful fabric from the world. I could feel her twitch with anticipation as the zipper traveled along her seams.
Finally she was free and I could tell she could wait no longer. I sensually grabbed at her cushions (which a lesser man might believe to be her flower) and flung them into the shrubbery, revealing he sweet, sweet hideaway bed concealed underneath. Without any prompting, she unfolded herself and invited me in. Not needing any further coercion, I sank into her inviting embrace. With my eager fingers, I felt around for the telltale hole in the mattress (some might say it was put there by an invading mouse, but both the couch and I knew the truth of the matter). Sensually, I shoved my hand in elbow deep to make way for my hog (thank you, Steve Lowe, for that particular euphemism).
Bravo. I particularly liked your conservative use of the word 'sensual' here, in all its forms. Subtlety, thy name is Caris.But I still win, cuz I'm awesomer.
Sensually yours,
Boss Hog
A sensual like, for thread and review. And a cold shower.(Caris and Steve - the world is full of lounge-loving men. You can both be Kirk's couches).
The bottom couch? Couches are always the bottom, because they're sturdier, remember? The other kind, if memory serves, is the golden one. But that's pretty goddamned sensual, too.
I love you both equally. But I'm guessing Steve, as a sports fan, is sturdier. Caris: I am proud to say there is no inter-species inanimal love depicted in my book. Couches stick to couches, desks to desks. That said, the sturdier always goes on the bottom.
Steve: there is also the extremely non-sensual shower, where the cat is pooping in the litter box and your wife is asking where her toothbrush is, and your mother-in-law calls to ask about a surprise party the following weekend and then you realize you're not getting paid until the following Wednesday.
Kirk wrote: "But I'm guessing Steve, as a sports fan, is sturdier. "Hands and knees, Steve. Hands and knees.
Kirk wrote: "I am proud to say there is no inter-species inanimal love depicted in my book. "
So it's some kind of Aryan breeding program, eh? I guess you don't want to go producing a number of unwanted futons.
Kirk wrote: "I love you both equally. But I'm guessing Steve, as a sports fan, is sturdier. Caris: I am proud to say there is no inter-species inanimal love depicted in my book. Couches stick to couches, desk..."
Told you, Bottom Boy.
Steve wrote: "Kirk wrote: "I love you both equally. But I'm guessing Steve, as a sports fan, is sturdier. Caris: I am proud to say there is no inter-species inanimal love depicted in my book. Couches stick t..."
Steve, Kirk clearly states that you are the sturdier of the two of us. And "[t]hat said, the sturdier always goes on the bottom." Emphasis mine.
Kirk wrote: "Steve: there is also the extremely non-sensual shower, where the cat is pooping in the litter box and your wife is asking where her toothbrush is, and your mother-in-law calls to ask about a surpri..."Your wife is brushing her teeth, which in my world is the International Signal that you're about to get some.
POW - It happens just like that.
Caris wrote: "Kirk wrote: "But I'm guessing Steve, as a sports fan, is sturdier. "Hands and knees, Steve. Hands and knees.
Kirk wrote: "I am proud to say there is no inter-species inanimal love depicted in my..."
Sounds like SOMEONE is having himself a sensual shower at this very moment.
There is also the "I've been reading/participating in this thread and need to rip pages from The Bible, wet them, and paste them onto the wall of the shower while I recite the verses and cry to myself" shower. Luckily, none of us fall into that category.
The pages of Caris's bible don't require pre-wetting... They're already self-adhesive.Did I just take it up a notch?
/readjusts gauntlet into more gauntlety position/
Can we talk about Kirk's profile picture instead? And how it's probably a pornographic POV shot? We'll have to consult with Eric.
Caris wrote: "Can we talk about Kirk's profile picture instead? And how it's probably a pornographic POV shot? "I don't know what that means but I agree
Naw. I had to take my POV shot down. The chest hair scared people, most people anyway. But now I'm going to make a concerted effort to ensure every profile pick I put up looks more and more like one, just for you Caris, you sensual beast you.
Caris had the chance to read my first submission to NBAS a few days ago, the style of which is quite a bit different when compared to Uncle Sam's Carnival of Copulating Inanimals. The only bummer about releasing one's first book is that it doesn't give the audience a chance to review a broad range of stylistic devices an author may employ, as the story dictates the stylistic rendering to a degree. I promise, if I get a five-book deal, you'll like the dialogue in my next text! In part because I'll be looking closer at my writing in the future thanks to your constructive critique. It was a well-balanced review that made me beam with pride and also strive to become a better writer.
Thanks again,
Kirk