Michael's Reviews > Crabs' Moon

Crabs' Moon by Guy N. Smith
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's review
Jan 12, 2011

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bookshelves: 1980s, fiction-that-speculates
Read in November, 2010

(Cue Star Wars theme. This paragraph scrolls up the screen in yellow letters.

A nuclear accident creates a new breed
of gigantic, evil crabs, who like feasting
upon the flesh of mankind. Their shells
are nearly indestructible, with the heaviest
of artillery simply denting their bone shells.
The King Crab, even bigger than the other
very big crabs, is leading his army onto
the beach of...oh, some place. It doesn't
really matter, does it? They're giant crabs,
and the full moon is approaching...the time
to feed is nigh....

(Scene 1: By the beach, Eh! stands guard before the gate to Karen's castle.)

Esteban: Who's there?

Eh!: Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself!

Esteban: Long live the king!

Eh!: Esteban?

Esteban: He.

Eh!: You come most carefully upon the hour.

Esteban: Yeah, I know. I'm pretty fucking awesome. 'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Eh!.

Well, good night.
If you do meet Michael and Caris,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.

Esteban: I think I hear them. Stand, you hos! Who's there?


Eh!: Holy Eff! It's a giant effing crab!! And it's roaring at us!!!

(Giant Effing Crab rushes them, moving surprisingly fast. With a single blow, Estaban falls.)

Esteban: Forsooth! I am slewed!

Eh!: The word is slain, you dumb-eh! I suppose I'd better use my ninja teleport skills to--

(Crab snips Eh!'s body into two sections. She successfully teleports the upper half of her body back into the castle. Meanwhile, the crab devours her legs, then returns to Esteban's carcass, taking a couple of bites before deciding it's tainted.)

Scene 2:
(Safely inside of the castle. Karen is sitting upon the American Goodreads throne, and Caris is standing by her. The two look already immersed in conversation as the upper half of Eh!'s body teleports in.)

Caris: Douche douche douche, douche douche douche douche!

Karen: i know, right? that's totally true!

Caris: Douche douche?

Karen: you think so?.....oh, hi, eh!

Eh!: Queen Karen, unfortunately, it seems we have a crab infestation!

Karen: that's what she said.

Caris: Haha! Douche douche douche!

Eh!: Why aren't you at your post, Caris?


Karen: off with his head!

Caris: Fuck.

(Eh! springs from the ground and karate chops Caris's head off.)

Karen: it's too bad. he finally mastered another word.

Meanwhile, in the dark recesses of the jungle around the castle, a dead quiet had settled over the bleak darkness, jet black as dark as a murder of crows. The only light was from the dim headlights of a 2004 Ford Taurus, the windshield wipers turned off despite the fact that it was a dark and stormy night. Rain cascaded down the windshield rapidly. Inside, Ceridwen and Sock Puppet were emitting bad dialogue.

Ceridwen questioned, "C'mon, baby, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be so shy."

Sock Puppet adamantly responded, "This is only our sixth date. I don't want you to rush me into anything I'm not ready for. I've only known you for a week and a half, Ceridwen."

Ceridwen exclaimed animatedly, "We aren't even near first base yet! I like holding your hand, but I really think it's time we kissed!"

Sock Puppet begrudgingly said, "Well, because I truly love you, I suppose we could go a little farther. You can kiss me."

Ceridwen smiled. "Sweet," she said, leaning across the seat towards Sock Puppet.

"...On the cheek," Sock Puppet aloofly continued.

Ceridwen contimplated thoughtfully for a moment. Then, suddenly, she leaned in. "Fine, I'll take it," she said, kissing Sock Puppet on his cheek.

Sock Puppet blushed. "See? Now, wasn't that pleasant?"

Ceridwen slid her arm around Sock Puppet momentarily, before he swatted her arm aside like she'd attempted to put her arm around him. "Hey!" he angrily spake, "Don't try to rush me!"

"But, baby! It's just my arm going around your shoulders!"

"Ceridwen, don't be a pervert, and don't rush me."

Suddenly, a giant crab arrived and ate the car.


As the sun was rising, Michael was standing thoughtfully on the beach, wind blowing his hair playfully. His eyes contemplated the text of the book that he held in his hand, his other hand halfway in his pocket. Totally still, his eyes remained on the text. The absence of movement stretched forward in time for several moments, when suddenly there was a flash.
"That should do it," Michael said. He tossed the book he was reading, Trailer Park Tramps, onto the ground before walking over and looking at the picture. "How the fuck do I manage to blink so much? That's the third picture in a row where my eyes were closed."
The sun was continuing to set further, so he picked up the tripod and turned it, moving a little closer to the shoreline. Out in the water, he thought he saw large, red boulders out in the water.
"I wonder why those would be there," Michael said to himself, wind blowing his hair sexily. "Well, I'd better get this picture of me reading by the waterside taken quickly, before it gets too dark."

Turning his back to the watery ocean, Michael again flipped open Trailer Park Tramps to a random page. He began reading the novel and chuckled to himself at the stupidity of the characters, the unbelievability of the plot, at the awkward sentences that seemed to be written by someone with little understanding of the language. Then, the camera flashed again, taking the last picture of Michael ever seen. Two days later, when the camera was found undamaged yet bloody by Elizabeth, she turned it on to see the final picture: Michael standing gallantly on the shore, wind blowing his suit jacket and his hair, a book in his hand as the sun set behind him, and a gigantic crab emerging from the waters.

And he was blinking, of course.


Brian stood in Karen's throne room, his scientist getup on, to make sure everyone knew he was the scientist. "I tell you!" he told them, "There's only one way to get rid of these crabs!"

"that's what she said," Karen said, sitting on her throne with a book open.

"Bombs won't destroy them. Bullets can't pierce them. Sticks and stones won't break their bones. And they're virtually impossible to offend. No, what we need is that one thing, the only thing that can defeat them."

"what is it?" Karen said.

"A deus ex machina."

Karen was kicking her feet, because the throne was slightly oversized. "eh!"

The remaining half of Eh! looked slightly confused. "Were you saying my name, or just going "Eh!"?" She inquired curiously.

"i was saying your name. could you go get a deus ex machina?"

"Why should I do it? I don't have any--"

"off with her--"

"I'm going," Eh! frightenedly stated. Eh! toddled out of the chamber. She returned roughly five minutes later with a deus ex machina.

"Here it is, still in mint condition."

"awesome," Karen said. "let's get rid of these crabs once and for all!"


The crabs were defeated and all the people lived happily ever after. Except for the ones who had been slaughtered by the crabs before the angels came down with their axes made out of divine light and hacked those evil fuckers to bits.


*: You may say it's inconsistent to give a name to one of the days and none of the others. You would be right.

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Reading Progress

11/18 page 29
16.02% "No, lady, listen to the creepy old man! DON'T GO DOWN TO THE BEACH!"
11/18 page 70
38.67% "No, children, DON'T GO DOWN TO THE BEACH! Your mother isn't there!"
11/19 page 156
86.19% "YOU FOOLS!! Your wall of sandbags will do nothing to protect you from THESE horse-sized evil crabs!"
11/26 page 220
100% "No, really guys, don't go down to THE BEACH to make sweet love! YOU'LL GET CRABS! I mean, CRABS WILL GET YOU!"
07/23 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-26 of 26) (26 new)

dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Jasmine (last edited Nov 18, 2010 09:23PM) (new)

Jasmine best statuses* ever.


karen you read the best books...

Michael only the Great Books. There's no time for any others.

I think, technically, it is stati.

message 4: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! HAHAHA!!!! I was going to point out the Ceridwen angel/ghost who found the camera, too. Damn, I'm awesome! And I manage to not cuss! Hah, so much good! Funny! Stomach, it hurts!

message 5: by [deleted user] (last edited Jan 11, 2011 05:20PM) (new)

Elizabeth wrote: "How did Ceridwen escape from the car?"

Because I'm cool like that!

Also, we can photoshop out the blinks! Or cover them with googly eyes! Send the photos on over!

message 6: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma This review deserves repeated Like votes, much praise, and a protagonist whose hair doesn't blow sexily or otherwise, maybe someone in his late 50s. That had to be as much fun to write as it was to read. Thanks.

message 7: by j (new)

j yay, that was fun. you goodreaders are good people.

message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

(but karen's dialouge should have been in all lower case letters.)

message 9: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma But Eh! got the short end of the stick...or became the short end.

Michael Haha, I was waiting to see who would catch my intentional fuckup first. Yeah, that's the ticket. It isn't because I didn't do a re-read before submitting the review. Not at all.

Also, we can photoshop out the blinks! Or cover them with googly eyes! Send the photos on over!

I've been waiting for a particularly epic zit on the tip of my nose to go away. Once I don't look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer anymore, I'll take some excellent pictures, hopefully crab-free. What kinda deadline are you looking at for publication of this thing?

(but karen's dialouge should have been in all lower case letters.)

Thanks for helping me with my revisions! I don't know what I would do without you guys.

This review deserves repeated Like votes, much praise, and a protagonist whose hair doesn't blow sexily or otherwise, maybe someone in his late 50s.

Next crab book I review, Mike. I don't know who will be the protagonist, but I can assure you that you'll be devoured by a large crustacean at some point. Perhaps your beard can blow seductively in the breeze?


message 12: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma Oh no! Your next crab book might very well be a book about giant scabies. I've dreamed of being a victim in a story like that.

message 13: by Miriam (new)

Miriam You have these excellent drugs but you do not share. Douche.

La pointe de la sauce Hey! No mention of the Great La Pointe de la Sauce. Not fair!

Michael Sauce, I pointed out that this was the American Goodreads castle. You are meanwhile in the English castle with Manny and Paul. The story would be ENTIRELY inconsistent if you were in any of these scenes ;)

You have these excellent drugs but you do not share. Douche.

The only drug I take is eccentricity.

Well, okay, that's not the only drug I take. But, nowadays, the rest are prescribed.

message 16: by Miriam (new)

Miriam The eccentricity is not innate? That's disappointing.

message 17: by j (last edited Jan 12, 2011 09:26AM) (new)

j i blame this review for a dream i had last night involving me spotting a karen doppelganger at a sandwich place in chicago. as she was leaving i called out "karen!" waved her over asked if she was karen from goodreads. it turned out she was named karen and had indeed just joined the site but was not, in fact, the famous karen of top reviewer renown, but a clever lookalike.

it was a real "i want to help you, george washington!" moment.

karen cool! i was in ariel's dream last night, too! and she was in mine!!

Michael I was in Caris's wet dream last night.

message 20: by David (new)

David Win.

Also, Hamlet/Macbeth/Everything would be better with giant man-eating crabs.

message 21: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Hahah! It's just as good on the 100th re-read! And I didn't notice before that there are bunches of annoying adverbs in the scene where Ceridwen makes the moves on Sock Puppet - she loves those!

message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

I totally love adverbs. Really.

message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

Breathlessly. Sardonically. Ironically.

Michael "I love adverbs. Nothin' better to plump up a chapter than tossing in a dozen of them haphazardly!" he ironically ejaculated loudly.

message 25: by Miriam (new)

Miriam Nerdily.

message 26: by Christian (new) - added it

Christian D.  Orr Epic. Simply fucking epic.

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