Jim son of Jim (formerly PhotoJim)'s Reviews > A Pirate's Love

A Pirate's Love by Johanna Lindsey
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's review
Sep 17, 2010

did not like it
bookshelves: 2010-reads, historical-romance, library-book
Read on September 15, 2010

** spoiler alert ** I'll have to write a proper review of this rape-o-rama tomorrow. It's crap like this that turns me off to historical romance novels.

OK, so it took me two days to get back to this. I will summarize the book for you so that you don't have to wade through it and let you draw your own conclusions.

Bettina (AKA Simpering Obnoxious Victim or SOV for short) -'Hi, I'm Bettina. My daddy doesn't love me enough. So I became so obnoxious that he sent me away to a convent. Now that I'm home he is sending me to a man I've never seen to be his wife. Woe is me!'

*enter the mother*
mom - 'I know you are being sent away so your father doesn't have to see you anymore to someone you've never met. But I have good news. The man you thought was your father really isn't. Since he is such an ass, I took to screwing sailors in port. Best time of my life! So remember, if you get to your new husband and don't love him, I suggest you find someone who knows how to treat a wanton woman right.'
SOV - 'Thanks mom. I'll keep that in mind.'

*sails for the new world - a brief interlude where the captain tries to keep SOV away from the horny sailors but she doesn't listen and one is almost whipped to death for attempted rape. Then they are attacked and she is captured by pirates.*

Rapist (AKA Captain Tristan) - I've captured a fair young maiden! Take off your clothes so I can rape you now.
SOV - I'd rather you didn't.
Rapist - If you don't, I'll kill all the prisoners.
SOV - Well, if you put it that way, OK.

*rape ensues*

SOV - Now set the prisoners free!
rapist - I lied, there are no prisoners.
SOV - I only disliked you before. Now I will scream and cry because you lied to me!
rapist - get used to it. I'm going to continue to lie to you and rape you daily.

*days of sailing with more lies and as promised a daily raping*

maid (who had birthed SOV and miraculously stayed with SOV throughout this ordeal - how you like it when Captain Tristan gives it to you?
SOV - how do you think? he rapes me daily.
maid - you might want to think about enjoying it. He certainly does. No reason only one of you should be having fun. He's actually pretty good looking.
SOV - were you dropped on your head alot? i said he RAPES me daily.
maid - I'm just sayin' is all.

*Instead of being ransomed to her future husband, she is taken to the rapist's super secret lair*

SOV - why are we here?
rapist - I'm not done with you. In fact, I really like raping you daily.
SOV - this sucks
rapist - speaking of which...

*SOV actually does something and escapes, is miraculously picked up by a passing ship, mistaken for a boy and captured by a press gang, escapes, is captured by the first would be rapist, escapes, and finds her way to the home of her fiancee*

SOV - I'm saved!
fiancee (hearafter referred to a douche bag or DB) - Oh. Well, um...
SOV - it was terrible! I was raped again and again!
DB - yeah, about that. I don't want to marry you any more. But why don't you bend over this table and we'll see if the pirate measures up to me.
SOV - um, no. You really are a douche bag aren't you?
DB - yeah. Pretty much. By the way, your mother is here. Something about your ass of a dad being dead.

SOV - mom!
mom- Sweetie! so did you get any?
SOV - WTF is wrong with you people?!
mom- i'm just askin' is all.

*that night SOV and mom are kidnapped by none other than the rapist himself.*

rapist - so glad to be raping you again.
SOV - rapist, meet mom. Mom, the rapist.
mom- oh he's a big feller. and handsome too. You remind me of a certain sailor I used to know...
rapist - if you don't mind, I'm going to strip your daughter, tie her up, keep her imprisoned, and screw her six ways to sunday every chance I get.
mom - you two have fun!
SOV - mom! those screams you hear every night? Does it sound like I'm having fun? Does it sound like I enjoy this?

*after a few weeks of separation from everyone but the rapist where she is kept locked up, naked, and raped daily something occurs to our SOV*

SOV - shit. I'm knocked up.

*with promises of good behavior she's released from her room and allowed to wear clothing again.*

SOV - mom, how's it going?
mom - pretty good. You have such a dashing young man. He's very thoughtful and considerate you know.
SOV - I've got a bun in the oven.
mom - I'm so happy for you both. Are you enjoying yourself yet?
SOV - I really think you like to see me humiliated and raped daily.
mom - I just want you to be happy.

* after months of raping and other pointless episodes, enter the bad paper thin stereotype slaver murderer who kidnaps SOV to lure the rapist to him*

rapist - hello, my name is inigo montoya. You killed my father. prepare to die.
paper thin character - aha! you fell right into my non-existent trap. I've tied your woman up in the other room in such a way that the baby will fall to it's death unless it can bungie on the umbilical. and last I looked the baby's head was about to come out. AAARGH! you can't kill me! i'm the ... *falls dead*

rapist - I've found you!
sov - yep. now get me down from here. baby's on it's way.
rapist - I noticed.
sov - you don't have to rape me anymore.
rapist - I was going to wait until you were done with this. I'm not completely uncaring.
sov - thanks for that. I appreciate the compassion. Oh and just so you know. I love you now.
rapist - reaaly? Cool. let's get married.
sov - mom will be so proud. This is just how I always imagined it would be.

the end.

Maybe this is just your sort of thing. I just don't see how anyone would like this.
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02/14/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-41 of 41) (41 new)

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message 1: by Nissie (new)

Nissie I'm anxious to hear what you have to say, Jim! I have yet to read one positive thing about this book. And I usually love Johanna Lindsey.

Jasmin Nissie to continue to love JL, stay away from this one! XD

message 3: by LethalLovely~Maybe I've Always Been More Comfortable in Chaos (last edited Sep 17, 2010 09:39AM) (new)

LethalLovely~Maybe I've Always Been More Comfortable in Chaos *Lethal falls off bed laughing* OMG! "So glad to be raping you again." I can totally see why you dislike historical romances, if your forced to read this crap. Poor Jim. :( Here, have a cookie. A bourbon cookie.

message 4: by Sammy (new)

Sammy LOL! Love the review! Too funny!

Jim son of Jim (formerly PhotoJim) You may think I'm exaggerating about this. I really think this is pretty close. I've read several bad historical romances. This is just one of, if not the worst.

MelissaB Wow, hilarious review! I can think of a few books that would also be funny if you reviewed them like this - Stormfire (which would probably put you off historicals for life.

new_user LMAO! OMG, that was awesome, Jim! Just awesome.

I want to know what you'd think of Sherry Thomas' stuff. :D

Jim son of Jim (formerly PhotoJim) It's been awhile since I wrote a good review. We'll see if I can't do better in the future. But I do write a few words at least for every book I read. (not including the ones I rated when I first signed up for GR)

Every year I read a couple of hundred books. Of those, probably five get a one star rating. Invariably, half of those turn out to be historicals.

I'll have to look into both Stormfire and Sherry Thomas. Actually that's the second time in two days I've been told to read Sherry Thomas.

MelissaB I was sort of kidding about Stormfire, it's a crazy bodice ripper. I am too scared to read it.

new_user Thomas doesn't write typical historicals. It should be interesting to hear your thoughts on her. :)

Here's a summary of Stormfire to see why Melissa is scared to read it. At first I was annoyed that someone posted so many spoilers to a thread, and then I was thankful. LOL. I took it off my list, needless to say.

LethalLovely~Maybe I've Always Been More Comfortable in Chaos Thomas writes a great historical. I'm reading Not Quite a Husband & it is making me want to burn this book...but not because the writing. The writing is amazing but the h/h get on my freaking nerves.

Jasmin Hilarious review! LOL!

AgentScully Hysterical review! I loathed this book for sure.

ஐ Briansgirl (Book Sale Queen)ஐ Hilarious Review. Was worth a good laugh this morning. Thanks.

message 15: by KimKirt (new)

KimKirt I think you need to record the audio version of this book. Great review, I laughed my butt off.

message 16: by Kathrynn (new)

Kathrynn THAT was hilarious to read, PhotoJim. Thank you for the laughs this morning.

P.s. I was relieved to see I didn't have this already. Whew. What a stinker.

message 17: by Robin (new)

Robin I've read a few Johanna Lindsey's but to be honest most of her books don't say read me to me. I enjoyed this review however (Kathryn put the link on a GR board about Johanna Lindsey). I loved the, The Princess Bride reference.

message 18: by Jesslynn (new)

Jesslynn JL has another one like this that i was confused as to why it was called a romance...I think it's called Paradise Wild or something...This review is hilarious and should be applied to all books like these. thanks!

message 19: by Jasja (new)

Jasja LMAO... I have not read the book, but I would almost say that this review makes the book worth existing. Brilliant review, and if that truly captures the essence of the story... what the heck were those rating it 4 stars thinking ???

Lelyana Too much expectation for Tristan. .He's a rapeist then? That's a career?

Jim son of Jim (formerly PhotoJim) Jasja, I wonder the same thing.

Lelyana, Rapist is his hobby. He's a pirate by profession.

Lelyana OMG .. some friends of mine called Tristan was a seducer

message 23: by Jen (new)

Jen That was the best review EVER.

message 24: by Jasja (new)

Jasja Wasn't it just... =oD I'm thinking Jim should write a book review book. I just read the review again and it still made me rotfl.

message 25: by Hina (new) - rated it 2 stars

Hina This was hilariouis! I can't stop laughing. Your review was great!

message 26: by Jency (new) - rated it 1 star

Jency I liked your review. This has been the worst book I have read this year. It was poorly written.

Lelyana Photojim wrote: "Jasja, I wonder the same thing.

Lelyana, Rapist is his hobby. He's a pirate by profession."

Hahahhahahah.....yeea..think so :)

message 28: by Nazia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nazia omg!!!!! ua way of reviewing this book is quite funny but at the end i agree with you this book is crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) I laughed out loud so much. I will never understand how people write/wrote stuff like this.

SOV - mom!
mom- Sweetie! so did you get any?
SOV - WTF is wrong with you people?!
mom- i'm just askin' is all.


Great review!

message 30: by MrsJoseph (new)

MrsJoseph Great review!

message 31: by Shelley (new)

Shelley OMG! This is one of the funniest things I've ever read!! I'm a lover of historical romance but not this bullshit. Thank you for the laugh!!

Jim son of Jim (formerly PhotoJim) Thank you for the comments. I posted this review a couple of years ago and I figure there must have been a link somewhere as there have been a number of comments recently. My wife (who logs onto GR just enough to know which book comes next in a series) read the review again and asked if I still stood behind my rather brutal attack on the book. I haven't read less than 100 books in a year in probably 30 years. Many years I've easily doubled that. I read SF/Fantasy/Romance/non-Fic/Crime/Mystery/damn near anything and this book stands out in my all time list as the stupidest rape book ever. It makes my bottom 20 of all time easily and most likely is in the bottom 10.

message 33: by Clara (new) - rated it 1 star

Clara OMG you are so funny- reading your review makes the time I wasted reading the book seem well spent! If only the book had been as well written as your summary. Too funny- I have tears from laughing so hard! I want to know who in the world would give the story higher than a 2 star and even 2 is too generous.

Michelle Carlson I actually wasted 4 hours of my life reading this book, and there was A LOT of heavy skimming, and I'd give your review a higher rating than this book.

I loved how you totally captured just how frustrating this book actually is, and thanks for the laughs!

message 35: by M_thu0305 (new)

M_thu0305 Very hilarious yet so true. It took me 2 days after crying over myself after this bullshit! I never in my life can believe Mrs. Lindsay could wrote such a cheap, typical-50-shades-of-grey drama like this. What's happening here Lindsey????!!!????!

Lindsay So true!

message 37: by Julie (new) - added it

Julie Carter Best review ever.

message 38: by Grace (new)

Grace This review rocked.

message 39: by Beth (new)

Beth You are STILL cracking people up with this review years after you wrote it! SOOO funny!

message 40: by Amanda (new)

Amanda There is something wrong with me that the part I don't like is the douchebag fiance wanted to have sex with her despite not wanting to marry her.

Lelyana Amanda wrote: "There is something wrong with me that the part I don't like is the douchebag fiance wanted to have sex with her despite not wanting to marry her."

ALL men in this book is douchebag, that or rapist or asshole.

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