After much deliberation, I’ve decided that vampires turn me on.
Vampires, afterall, are sex. Greater people than I have pointed that out. There’s the whole predator/prey thing that’s unbelievably sexy. And the penetration by elongated canines? I’m sweating just thinking about it.
Ooh, and the bite (oh, that bite) into the creamy white flesh of the exposed neck while the night creature's fingers dance so provocatively across the victim’s clavicle...
You may be wondering right now, “Dude, wtf? Weren’t you the one who stated so emphatically that you ‘fucking hate vampires’?”
My response to that, dear reader, is that I didn’t know vampires before. I didn’t know how sexy they could be. For, with the understanding that vampires are symbolic of the act of sexual congress, the characters of this book fucked a boatload of guinea pigs. And, by now, you all ought to know how I feel about that.
Rodent romance aside (If you don’t want to read this part, you can just scroll up and read the beginning over again. I certainly wouldn’t blame you. This is going to get boring.), this work actually stood on its own two wobbly legs. It started out with that goddamned annoying “everything you know about vampires is wrong” bullshit. Of course, like all of the other books that make this proclamation, it also proved that the gist of it (you know, the bloodsucking/guinea pig fucking) bit was still on the money. I’m really tired of this, to be honest. Write about something else if you don’t want to write about vampires. Or get a bagel or something. I don’t care. Just stop making these stupid claims. If certain things about vampires weren’t universally true, they wouldn’t be so compelling (not that they’re at all compelling).
Jinks’ vampires are a pretty sad group. They’re determined to not attack anyone and live their long, long, boring lives on the fringes of Australian society. At least that’s what they normally do. These poor folks get their feathers all ruffled when some crazy asshole decides to slay them (turns out that the old standby through the heart still gets things done where these not anything like the stories you’ve heard vampires are concerned). In an act of self preservation, they’re forced into action. See, the vampire killer offed one of their friends (Well, not really a friend. Kind of a douchebag, really.) and stole his address book (which, naturally, had all of their names and addresses in it). Once in motion, these folks fuck a lot of things up as people tend to do.
Now, I’m not sure if this is a spoiler or not, so skip this paragraph if you’re scared. They meet a werewolf. Not a Jacob kind of werewolf, more of a mangy Outback kind of werewolf. When they meet him, he’s being held against his will and forced to fight other werewolves in something like a hardcore dogfighting ring. To me, this was a profoundly interesting idea because I can see some off-his-nut-backwoods motherfucker come up with such an idea if these creatures did exist in nature. Jinks does all kinds of cool things like this where she not just lays out the social commentary, but where she exposed real, sick human reactions to things. Sure there are people who would try to eradicate werewolves from the face of the planet, but there are probably just as many greedy bastards who would try to exploit them.
In the end, this is one of the best vampire books I’ve read. It borrows a lot from other stories (namely Twilight and Breathers), but slaps things back together in a nice way. I’m not upset that I read this and that’s something to me.
And woo-hoo! Make those guinea pigs squeal like real pigs!