Kat Kennedy's Reviews > Evermore

Evermore by Alyson Noel
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Dec 04, 13

bookshelves: too-painful-to-finish, books-that-deserve-painful-death, kat-s-book-reviews, kat-s-rants, ya-pnr-maddness
Recommended for: Anyone studying to be a truly awful writer
Read from August 24 to 25, 2010

How To Write Popular YA Supernatural Literature AND Defile Your Spirit!

Based on the popular YA novel, Evermore, and aided by countless more like it, I have compiled an easy to read and follow list of rules for writing a popular series and being able to sell out your soul at the same time. Does that sound too convenient? Well, it's unbelievably easy to do if you follow my quick and easy program!

1. Create an 'Outcast' Heroine.

It's important that your primarily female teenage audience can relate to your main character. So whilst you can't have your main character associate herself with being cool, it still has to be obvious to your audience that she totally is. Now, Meyer's approach of the goose-turned Swan-but was really still a goose, Bella, associated herself as 'different' and a 'loner' only to arrive at her new school and be immediately popular and accepted by almost everyone. Noel's method is different yet in a similar spirit. Her protagonist, Ever, was incredibly popular at her old school and has decided to be an outcast because she feels that she can't be accepted due to her psychic gift. She also has the ability to perceive someone's personality through the colours that define them. So instead of aligning herself with the shallow, mean and popular crowd, she aligns herself with the shallow and mean loners.

It’s very important for your protagonists to be 'different' because today's youth despise the sheep mentality and so they all strive to be unique. Since they're all different in almost the exact same way, it is relatively easy to emulate this, with as little effort put into characterization as possible, in your female protagonist.

Like this!

As long as she shows no regard for her clothing, appearance or any kind of interest in giving a shit about anyone but herself she will easily pass with young audiences. It will be her ewniqueness that eventually draws the Perfect Hero to her as opposed to any of the usual elements such as: looks, hygiene, personality or determinable interest in the world outside their own arse.

Please also remember that she probably should be a reader, preferably of Wuthering Heights or Romeo and Juliet and that she should consider everyone around her to have inferior intelligence despite the fact that her reading repertoire extends to only a couple of books.

A noticeably absent family is necessary and a completely dead family makes for a better story because then she actually has a perceived reason to be a moody, antisocial, self-absorbed little bitch. Do this even though, in all likelihood, she would be all of the above with a perfectly normal family.

2. Create a perfect hero.

It is VERY important that your hero be perfect in almost every regard. Unlike the female protagonist who can disregard her appearance, he must not only be more attractive than a GQ model without any of the effort put into his appearance, but he must also be thoughtful, intelligent and mysterious.

In no way is he to reflect almost every teenage boy to have ever existed and he must have no desire to find a partner for himself who is in anyway comparable in looks, kindness, intelligence or perfection.

Like this!

If he is a vampire or some such immortal then he must be ridiculously wealthy. If he is a werewolf then he is allowed to be poor but must make up for it with incredible bedroom skills.

He needn’t have a personality that extends beyond mysterious, sexy and in love with the female protagonist. Naturally, in this respect, Meyers, Mead, Marr and Stiefvater are something like overachievers - but if Noel, Saintcrow, Clare, Kate and Fitzpatrick are any indication, then we need know little more about the hero other than the fact that he’s gorgeous, has a secret and is in love. History, friends, likes, dislikes, family, passions, interests, hobbies and personality flaws are all negligible information that is taking up precious space in your novel. Especially when you could be injecting more drooling from the female protagonist in place of any kind of characterization for your hero.

Your book will sell better if the hero stalks, follows, obsesses over and actively pursues the heroine beyond any realm of believability. You could triple your audience just by having him watch her sleep.

3. Create useless friends.

It’s important to reiterate to the young adult generation that nobody other than the hero is important. Since domestic abuse begins with one partner manoeuvring the other to have limited contact with anyone else, we must strive to normalize this in literature. Thus the female protagonist shouldn’t have anyone close enough to her that she can’t break contact or eventually forget about them. It’s very important that her full focus, socialization and all of her needs are eventually devoted or met by the male protagonist.

To aid this, her friends must be selfish, vain, crazy, slutty, uncaring or in other ways undeserving of the heroine’s attentions and affections. It’s very important that she never call them on their poor, damaging and graceless friendship but must lovingly worry about them for the minimal amount of time acceptable to the reader before once again completely focusing on the mysterious hero.

4. Mix in a twisted, convoluted plot designed entirely to provide dramatic and sexy subplot.

It’s important that the plot, no matter how unlikely, must revolve around the hero saving the heroine. The villains do not necessarily need to have realistic or conceivable motivations for their actions. As long as the hero gets to save the day at least three or four times then your book will be profitable!

Please remember that the actual plot of your story needn’t truly begin until at least 350 pages into your story. The longer you can stall any interesting event occuring, the less thinking you will actually need to do.

Plus - FOR FREE - extras to help 'improve' your novel, the bottom line of your sales, and the expedient destruction of your soul.

-How to create a senseless mythology.

Mythology is more of a concept rather than something that needs to be respected or honoured. Vampires don’t need to refrain from daylight and angels no longer need to “fall” for good they can now be redeemed like us! The good news is that creating your own mythology, disregarding anything written before, allows you to twist and bastardize the plot beyond any recognizably interesting concept!

-Explanations as to why research could actually DAMAGE your profit!

Research takes time, energy and intelligence. Why do it? You’ve got ten fingers (presumably) and an attention span that extends past anything that could be compared to a gnat (even if it is only barely). Simply make it up as you go! For example: Ever is psychic. Research may tell us that this has something to do with receiving visions of the future or possibly commnicating with ghosts. Yet research is boring. Instead, she is imbued with the following powers that we guess can kind of be put under a psychic umbrella if we force enough information and logic out of our brains first: Mind reading, visions of near-present and future, personal life knowledge of any person she physically touches, seeing ghosts, seeing auras, literary osmosis from touching any written object, drawing the answers from any written question placed before her and any other supernatural abilities that seem convenient at the time.

-Detailed observations on why the Deus Ex Machina rocks.

Tying together a plot, even if you work to keep it as non-complicated or infantile as possible, is hard! It’s much easier to ignore tying together a number of plot points in any believable fashion and instead rely on some Deus Ex Machina to come in and take care of thoughtful planning for you!

-How to expand one, nonsensical idea into a series and why this is more profitable than originality!

Last, but not least! Ensure that your story is somewhat open ended so that you can create a series out of it! Research shows that people, even if they are intelligent enough to see that you’re writing is becoming progressively shittier and nonsensical, will often still purchase books in the series in order to find out what happens. So rather than creating a new story with new characters, simply beat the same old horse (it needn’t really be a horse – simply a pile of shit that’s been forced into a horse-like shape) for at least three or more books in order to squeeze every last cent out of the franchise that you can!

This review can also be found on my blog, Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.
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Reading Progress

08/24/2010 page 159
45.0% "It's even more painful then I thought it would be. Unbelievable.." 9 comments

Comments (showing 101-150 of 176) (176 new)


Hermione Yep I didn't finish this either! It was incredibly dull I wondered how the hell it was even published! :O lol


message 102: by Hannah (new) - rated it 1 star

Hannah Williams I read the back and I'm like hmmm... good plot... sounds decent might as well give it a try. But it was one of the dumbest books I have ever read. I swear... the entire plot line was like ripped off from fallen!!!!! This is totally unoriginal and I was not the least bit attracted to Damen... I mean.. what a jerk!!!! He's always trying to get her out of her pants and gets upset whenever she isn't sure!!!! sounds like a jerk to me!!!! definitely not one of my favorites... and i will not be returning to this book for any reason.


message 103: by Shawna (new) - rated it 1 star

Shawna I love this review!


Jessica I love your review!LMAO!


message 105: by Fabienne (new)

Fabienne I seriously love you! Hahaahaha you're so right OMG hahahaha


message 106: by Eve (new)

Eve LOL!


Rashika (is tired) I LOVE YOU THIS MADE MY DAY!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


message 108: by Genai (new) - rated it 5 stars

Genai Okay. This is pretty amazing. I have to admit, even though I like books like that, it's so true once u think about it!! And I LOVE fitzpatrick. My favorite is Moulton, but whatever. The exact same.


message 109: by Despair (new) - rated it 1 star

Despair Speaking Favorite parts:

So instead of aligning herself with the shallow, mean and popular crowd, she aligns herself with the shallow and mean loners.

...she should consider everyone around her to have inferior intelligence despite the fact that her reading repertoire extends to only a couple of books.

A noticeably absent family is necessary and a completely dead family makes for a better story because then she actually has a perceived reason to be a moody, antisocial, self-absorbed little bitch.

In no way is he to reflect almost every teenage boy to have ever existed and he must have no desire to find a partner for himself who is in anyway comparable in looks, kindness, intelligence or perfection.

Your book will sell better if the hero stalks, follows, obsesses over and actively pursues the heroine beyond any realm of believability. You could triple your audience just by having him watch her sleep.

Very good review! If I make a review for a book, I'll make sure to check if you made one for it so I can see whether you liked/disliked it as much as I did.


Stephanie Bain Ignorant review for a small minded person who claims knowing so much more than they probably do. how old is the one who wrote such an ignorant childish review and in my head i hear it with an obnoxious jealous *i dont have a published book* or *it didnt sell as many, sold rights to summit and i wasted my time thinking i was far better* tone in my head. i dont know how you are. but for someone who knows many like the "outcast girl". its true maybe not original but true perhaps not the psychic or immortal love part but its well written.

from the girls who has read a great variety of books and has not disliked not one. because each has its story whether original or not its what they do to change it up a bit.


message 111: by Inge (new) - rated it 1 star

Inge Thank you for making me laugh. This is absolutely brilliant.


message 112: by Scarlet (new) - added it

Scarlet God! I cannot stop laughing!! I love it when you review something you hate...so entertaining!! Only you could have thought of goose-turned-Swan-but still a goose!! :D


message 113: by Anna (new) - rated it 3 stars

Anna Chrysostomou Kat, excellent observations - unfortunately your rules are followed by far too many writers! Try out Meg Cabot - especially The Mediator series - granted, there is a perfect hero and the heroine isn't part of the popular crowd but at least she believes in grooming herself, can actually defend herself, isn't afraid to kick butt and saves the hero too.


message 114: by Inge (new) - rated it 1 star

Inge Anna wrote: "Kat, excellent observations - unfortunately your rules are followed by far too many writers! Try out Meg Cabot - especially The Mediator series - granted, there is a perfect hero and the heroine is..."

I agree - The Mediator is a nice alternative. :)


message 115: by Patty (new) - rated it 5 stars

Patty Haha! I don't really agree with your review but LOL! BEST REVIEW EVER! You SHOULD make a guide like that and publish it! I was on the floor laughing my head off after reading it!


message 116: by Saku (new) - rated it 1 star

Saku Brilliant! It's a masterpiece! (Your review, that is, not the book itself.)
Actually I wrote something similar before, only more detailed, sort of like a fully-fleshed guide to go along with my column on how to write fantasy, only much snarkier than that one. (German only, though.) Your review gave me fresh inspiration. Thanks much, Kat! It's insightful and witty as usual.


message 117: by Jane (new) - rated it 1 star

Jane Kelsey this review is amazzzzzzzzing!


message 118: by Serena (new) - added it

Serena I liked the book but I must say, I laughed more reading your review:) It's true but what I say, I like reading crap. You're review is awesome.


message 119: by Karli (new) - rated it 2 stars

Karli THANK YOU for this review. It is honestly the best review I've read so far and absolutely dead on!


message 120: by Zahra (new) - added it

Zahra I never read this book but whoa, I'm glad I didn't.


message 121: by oceanid (new)

oceanid LOL This must be the best review ever. I used to like the genre to which Evermore belongs, but it is true that since Twilight must books seem to have gone downhill. Anyway kudos for putting down in word every though I've ever had while reading these types of books!


message 122: by Elise (new)

Elise I just have to say, you forgot to reference Adornetto in part two. Unless her writing is so subpar she doesn't even count as an author... XD


Marrie *I Only Date Fictional Boys* I've never even read this book and yet I can relate this review to about 60% of YA books. That's sad.


message 124: by Kathy (new) - rated it 1 star

Kathy Chung lol...well written. you have put in words what I could not express.


message 125: by Ann (new)

Ann Kristin I love this review. Thanks for the entertainment Kat!


message 126: by ♥ Sarah (new)

♥ Sarah Preach it, sista! lol. I absolutely love your review, Kat! I will be sure to stay away from this crap. THANK YOU! :)


message 127: by Misty (new) - rated it 1 star

Misty Kat, this is my favorite review ever! I knew I couldn't be the only one who thought Evermore was a steaming pile of shit. Your review was awesome and so on the mark. Keep the reviews coming.


message 128: by Carolina (new)

Carolina This is.. by far the BEST review I've ever read. Thank you. Now people only need to copy and paste this to 90% of the YA books out. Sadly I am one of the sheep that usually has to finish the series if I start it. But luckily, thanks to reviewers like you, I can avoid the really bad ones. :D
PS
I noticed no love triangle mentioned, maybe that's the only good thing about this book?


message 129: by Sayerah (new) - rated it 1 star

Sayerah No Carolina, the love triangle comes later in the second or was it the third book or so... I know because like you I need to finish a series if I begin it and that was the case with this one.
Anyway, great review Kat, I'm just disappointed I wasn't told of the shittiness before I began this series.


message 130: by Carolina (new)

Carolina Sayerah wrote: "No Carolina, the love triangle comes later in the second or was it the third book or so... I know because like you I need to finish a series if I begin it and that was the case with this one.

Aww, so no postives at all for this series. It REALLY sucks.


message 131: by Astoria (new)

Astoria You know what? Never going to look at one more Young Adult paranormal romance novel EVER again.
But wait!
That's what all the publishers are selling nowadays, isn't it?


message 132: by Brittany (new)

Brittany Comeaux This review is made of win. XD


message 133: by xxkattiaxx (new)

xxkattiaxx Loved the snark! Agree whole-heartedly!


Joann H (Sshh!!! I'm reading) I'm sorry, I couldn't focus on the review after that picture of a shirtless Damon. hate the guy. Love the body. ;)


message 135: by Maddison (new)

Maddison Best review ever!!!


message 136: by Shreya (new)

Shreya Best review ever!!! :D :D Loved loved loved it!! :D


message 137: by Meena (new) - rated it 1 star

Meena Al-Obaydi I LOVE this! "Literary osmosis" - LOL!


message 138: by Mdh (new)

Mdh I really appreciate the level of thought that you've put into this. There's nothing better than a well structured, fully realized rant.

People say that we should just be glad that teens are reading, but with some of these books, I feel like it would be better if that kid just stayed illiterate, you know?


message 139: by Ally (new)

Ally @Mdh haha I totally agree :D this book should never see the light of day!! There's nothing in there that teens need to read about. Dear god, I hated this book!!


message 140: by Mdh (new)

Mdh Ally wrote: "@Mdh haha I totally agree :D this book should never see the light of day!! There's nothing in there that teens need to read about. Dear god, I hated this book!!"

I have not read this book, but I will not lie, I love reading these kinds of reviews of horrible books.

Normally, I think teens are smart and have better bullshit detectors than they often get credit for. We should be glad when they read widely. Except about romance! They are bad at that! And I really do think this stuff warps their growing brains...


message 141: by Sophia (new) - rated it 5 stars

Sophia Grey Oh so if you're such an expert on Love and Romance stories then what should this story be about? A girl who's had her best friend since pre-school that she shares all her secrets with. A boy that she's gone to school with her whole life and never paid attention to picks up her dropped pencil and she suddenly has a crush on him that she talks about at lunch with her BFF, then she try's to get him to like her, but fails miserably and complains that her life is horrible even though she has her mom dad and sister, they are perfectly healthy, she lives in the boring town of Lousianna and occasionally goes shopping. The only antagonist in her life is her weight, and the guy she has a crush on barely notices her.
Yea that's such a great story -_-


message 142: by Sayerah (new) - rated it 1 star

Sayerah Sophia wrote: "Oh so if you're such an expert on Love and Romance stories then what should this story be about? A girl who's had her best friend since pre-school that she shares all her secrets with. A boy that s..."

Sophia, the purpose of this review is not asking Alyson Noel to make this book a mundane story about a girl with no worries in her life. It is just pointing out what was seriously wrong with the series as a whole and despite not being as mundane as you said, the story is exceptionally bad and almost the same as that useless story you just summarised, in theory, it's no better.


message 143: by Kathylill (new)

Kathylill I seriously love your review


message 144: by Sara (new) - added it

Sara Hemenway This was pretty hilarious, but it also makes me sad that there is SO MUCH of this out there now. I'm really happy I'm not a teenage girl, because I'm sure I would be sucked into all this crap and just thinking about that annoys me. I must also say that Ian Somerhalder totally does it for me, and that picture is HOT. That is all.


Kat Kennedy Thanks Sara!

Though I have to say, I think teens should like what they like - and a lot of them do like this sort of stuff. It's escapist for them and that's cool. I just find it horribly painful, tear my eyes out horrifying!


message 146: by Sara (new) - added it

Sara Hemenway LOL. True! I think I just worry that they are the gateway to FSoG type stories, and now everyone is going around thinking that those are the types of books ALL women want to read. Exact same formula, different age group. *sigh*


message 148: by Sparrowlicious (new)

Sparrowlicious What a fantastic review! Well, I can see now what the appeal of these books is: the woman has the brains, the man is just there to drool over. Unfortunatley this can't be utilized for anything because of the creepiness of the male main character (stalking, etc.) and the herione not being able to fend properly for herself (damsel in distress trope, etc.). You could say, YA Paranormal Romance fails extremely hard.


message 149: by Hayden (new) - rated it 3 stars

Hayden I just had to unlike this so I could like it again. Excellent work, Kat.


Krishna *needs a pink katana*  I LOVE THIS REVIEW!


You should be canonised for this, Kat.


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