(Music fades.)

Me: Welcome back to the studio everyone, we have a wonderful surprise for you. Joining us for a few minutes on the airwaves today are two men that have transformed the vampire world: let’s welcome Chuck Logan and Guillermo Del Toro.

Let’s start with you Chuck. You are the recipient of a 2005 Hammett Award for your novel PRINCE OF THIEVES, and are the bestselling author of numerous others. I have to admit, I just saw Ben Affleck’s version of your novel PRINCE OF THIEVES, renamed The Town, and I have to say: Wow! What a great movie.

CL: Thanks, Gavin, you’re too kind.

Me: And joining Mr. Logan is the incredible genius behind such stellar films as Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy. Tell me Mr. Del Toro, when will The Hobbit be done…I kid, I kid, we are all waiting patiently to see if you can live up to Peter Jackson. Another joke…moving on! What inspired you to take on the awesome challenge of rewriting the vampire tale?

GDT: It was easy, really. I hate sparkling vampires.

Me: Well said, sir.

GDT: And the story needed to be revamped…(chuckles to himself)…vampires are mean and nasty and smelly and don’t want to date. They want to feed on you and rip you apart and savor the blood in your veins.

Me: There are children listening, so let’s keep the graphic details to a minimum. Okay, thanks.

CL: He’s right, though. There are too many vampire stories now that show vampires as gentle and understanding creatures that have been misunderstood or marginalized in society. This type of storytelling is a disservice to vampires everywhere. Vampires aren’t suave like Brad Pitt, and they certainly aren’t romantic. They see us humans as nothing more than cattle. A source of food. To them, we are no better than rats.

Me: Elaborate, please.

CL: Sure. You see, like rats, humans have become a plague on this planet. We have managed to infiltrate every known surface and populate it with our kind. And what do we do when he have successfully populated a place? We harvest it for its resources or whatever we think is valuable. Like rats, we spread our disease through consumption.

Me: A pleasant thought.

GDT: Excuse me; I need to use the restroom.

Me: Sure. Down the hall and on the left.
(Guillermo Del Toro leaves the room.)

Me: Okay, Chuck, do you mind if I call you Chuck? We have only a few moments and I need to get some things off my chest. First off, you are the writer of the two. Stop taking a backseat. Del Toro has an incredible imagination, and you two are sitting on a potential game-changer here. But you need to man up and take the reigns. Let him storyboard the hell out of it, I’d like to see that movie, but you need to be the one dictating the novels. Let me shoot you straight. The book sucks. The writing in places shines. I’ll give you the credit. But, overall, it seems as if you were practicing your secretarial skills. You have a whale of a story that is lost in the murky shallows. I expect big things in book two.

(Guillermo Del Toro reenters the room.)

Me: Well, folks, that’s all the time we have for today. Be sure to tune in for our discussion of book two of this trilogy THE FALL.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

(THE FALL if you are listening, please be better than THE STRAIN.)