Kira's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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Dec 04, 13

bookshelves: ya, books-to-use-as-weapons, vampire-crap, train-wreck-romance, tstl-heroine, go-choke-on-your-sexism
Recommended to Kira by: A tween
Recommended for: Oh, God! No one!

On April 28, 1945, Italian resistance fighters cornered Benito Mussolini and shot both him and his mistress. Then they hoisted his body up on a meat hook and hung him upside down at a petrol station in Milan, just to prove that yes, that bastard is dead, and we capped him. We capped him good and proper.

However, the hype over a fascist dictator who held his own people hostage and fought (in a limp-dicked way) with the Axis Powers died out gradually over the twentieth century. Isn't it amazing how Twilight, a book whose whole plot consists of nothing more (no, nothing more) than a boring girl falling in lust with a glitterball, is on the tip of the western world's tongue, plastered all over the front window of Blockbuster and fuelling lunchtime conversations everywhere, while it stands as a given that you can walk into pretty much any high school and ask students who Benito Mussolini is, and the majority will space out and ask you if it's a band?

Take a look back at that first paragraph. Isn't a real-life account of someone as influential as Benito Mussolini infinitely more interesting and important than this godawful waste of precious trees?

I am part of today's youth, and yet I will never truly understand them.

So: Twilight. Yes, I'm finally reviewing it. I resisted for a long time, but I couldn't help myself. I have to do it.

The other day Josh and I were having a conversation about Twilight. Incidentally, Josh was trying to convince me that a boy sneaking into a girl's room to secretly watch her sleep with the bug-eye was cute. Josh is also a person who proclaimed that all Muslims want to destroy the world and that witch-burnings were perfectly okay.

I turned to Taylor and asked her what she thought. She said that she liked Twilight, but she knew it wasn't a masterpiece and that Bella was stupid. She went on to say that she didn't know what I meant when I stated that it is a horrendously anti-feminist book, and after heckling the thing to death with only a warning for talking during class to show for it, I gave up and talked about boyfriends with her instead.

I adore Taylor. She is a wonderful friend to me. This is why I don't chastise her for liking Twishite but worry for her instead.

We all know what the book is about. The book is about a Mary-Sue who latches on to a hot boy because he is hot and thereafter allows her whole world to revolve around him. She has no hobbies, interests, ambitions or future goals. She looks down on girls who appreciate shopping and physical intimacy, as well as women who cannot have children. She worships beauty as if it is sex. She follows Edward around like a lost puppy because he is the only thing she gives a shit about in the world even though they met each other eight seconds ago and have shared a handful of hormonal glances across a biology classroom.



The all-consuming relationship between Bella and Edward is not the kind of relationship anyone should aspire to. Edward is physically forceful toward Bella, and though she spends every waking moment making out with the ground he walks on he still shits on her from a great height.

"Foolish female/human! I is man, I is doing right thing, you must follow!"

The caveman/cavewoman mentality between both parties is absolutely painful. As painful as the throb of purple prose encased between these heinously far-apart covers, and the dreadful fragments and inconsistent style of Meyer's writing.

It's ludicrous, really. This book is not a book. It is a really, really long Facebook status. It's a little gimmick that's gotten out of hand.

Who remembers the absolutely awful "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" fad? That's kind of what Twilight is like. A really fucked-up piece of sexist rubbish that spiraled into a phenomenon when really it belongs in the garbage can where no one will ever look at it ever again, ever.

Maybe that's slightly harsh. Or maybe not? Maybe we shouldn't condone something that forced chameleon authors to churn out inspired books like Hush, Hush, Fallen, and Halo - books that glorify unhealthy relationships and portray women as weak, helpless, pathetic monkeys. It also pushed authors like Kristen Cashore to try to be different by creating horrible, selfish protagonists that are stereotypical caricatures of feminists and that verge on advocating misandry.

But hey, who cares, right? As long as teens are reading!

No. I'd rather read the back of a cereal box than this book. I'd rather read the ingredients of my shampoo than slog through this again. It would be far less offensive and morally damaging, not to mention infuriating. I believe I aged ten years during my first failed attempt at wading through the Twilight quicksand.

Never mind the fact that the whole idea is stolen from L.J. Smith's dreadful Vampire Diaries series, that everyone crooned was a Twilight rip-off until they looked at the release date and realized it came to fruition in the nineties. Busted, Meyer! Hot damn!

Ms. Meyer's attitude towards her fans is interesting, too. I find it strange that she has so many worshippers, considering that she behaves as though these young impressionable preteens don't deserve her (regardless of the fact that she is catering to them and that they are the reason she has a career in the first place). I am, of course, referring to the whole Midnight Sun incident in which she disappointed legions of reliable and faithful readers by throwing an angsty bitch-fit and proclaiming that she "didn't feel alone with her manuscript any more" and couldn't finish it. How sad it is that no more blood could possibly be squeezed from the Twilight rock!

I could go into characterization, but what would be the point? There is none. Bella is a wish-fulfillment device. Edward is a psychopath who somehow manages to be boring. The Cullens are all dull, preppy, self-righteous cures for insomnia. The villain...what villain?

Oh, yeah. James? Non-event. No point, no motivation. Only there because Meyer got caught up her her plotless fluff and then suddenly thought "Shit! I forgot that something has to happen!" so quickly inserted some watery excuse for a bad guy and a shaky climax that of course ended in more drama between the power couple.

Another issue with the anti-feminism of this book: of course, one of the main and most twisted villains would have to be a sexually-active and liberated woman. Of course, a woman who is free and decides what she wants to do with her life would have to be evil. How dare she not answer to her man and behave like a loyal dog? Fie!

And what a shitty prom they had, eh? Damn! It was the same with Halo. Columns of shimmering moonlight and posh boys in tuxes. At my prom, I wore satin pants and sneakers, and two sassy guys won Best Couple. I am not shitting you. That is an epic prom, people. A prom with Gaga karaoke, Jello balls and genderless washrooms.

Canadians can damn well party. Yuh-huh.

Anyway!

There are so many parodies of this book that I'm amazed anyone takes it seriously. A legit movie, Vampires Suck, outwardly rips the crap out of Twilight, and makes money doing so. If that's not an epic win, I don't know what is. Not to mention Stephen King's little quip about Stephenie's inability to write anything that isn't crap, that made waves among the Twilight fanbase and was rebuffed with thousands of tweeny screams of "YER JEST JELUS!"

We also have the fan rips, like countless demotivational posters, deviantART's constant stream of joke memes and comics, and all sort of hilarious Edward/Jacob slash fanfiction.

(There's also this.)

Note: Before the movies came out, I was a loyal fan of the indie/rock band Muse. They were fun and different. When Twilight hit the big screen, Muse sold themselves out and became a been-there-done-that pseudo-pop band who catered to the masses and left their old fans high and dry. That is the power of corporate America, people.

I could go on to review the rest of the series, but why would I bother? Why would I want to dredge up old memories of pedophilia and blood in a Slurpie cup and constant, insufferable cheese?

Frankly, I would rather stand in an elevator with Mussolini than Meyer. At least we would have something to talk about.

To conclude: This book will go down in history as one of media's great mistakes. Kids of the thirtieth century will look back on us and the hoards of screaming thirteen-year-olds worshipping the 'love' between a creepy old man and his sullen lap-dog and laugh. Hard.



BONUS TIME!

...because Twilight without Bonus Time would be cat shit without a litter box.


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Comments (showing 1-50 of 69) (69 new)


Nicole True. Twilight's the mother of all bad ya novels out there.


message 2: by Cory (new) - rated it 1 star

Cory Win.


message 3: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Yes, Moorchild. Yes, I would.


Katie(babs) But Twilight has sparkly emo vampire boys who watch sleeping human girls as they hold back the urge to suck them dry. And they can jump from tree to tree. Total win.


message 5: by Cory (new) - rated it 1 star

Cory You guys are giving me some fucking weird imagery.

That being said, this review is still win.


message 6: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Cory. Cory, Cory, Cory.

Thanks, girl. You own.


message 7: by Sarah (new) - added it

Sarah Mostly I'm pissed at Twilight for neutering vampires. Once upon a time they were actually scary and cool. Now they're cuddly elves. Kill.


Rinoa Heartilly Your description of what Twilight is about actually reads like the blurb of a social comentary book. :D And much better than Twilight itself... But that was to be expected. x3


message 9: by Lissa (new)

Lissa Don't even get me started on this. I will rant and rant until I am blue in the face.
Thanks for the marvellous review. What took you so long?
PS Moorchild beat me to the punch.


message 10: by Cas (new) - rated it 1 star

Cas Awesome review :) Totally agree


message 11: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Sarah, I totes felt the lulz for your 'neutered vampires' comment. You win, girl.

Lissa, I took so long because I thought I'd never be able to put into words my overwhelming disgust for this book. Ms. Fitzpatrick has tried to frighten me into posting 'nice' reviews because apparently if I trash books their authors won't blurb mine. Quite frankly, I'd rather wing it than have Meyer's words on my cover. I don't want to be in the same room as her, let alone have her comments written on my work. No way, José.


message 12: by Lissa (new)

Lissa Ms. Fitzpatrick has tried to frighten me into posting 'nice' reviews because apparently if I trash books their authors won't blurb mine.

I certainly wouldn't want anyone I didn't truly admire blurbing my book, yeesh.
(Both my fav authors are dead, though, so there is no one left I 'truly admire'.)


message 13: by Kira (last edited May 21, 2011 08:18PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira BECAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU RANT, CHICKIE!

A million hugs. I'm actually amazed I managed to be this concise. I expected to be writing this review for hours. You should have seen me, though. I was burning up my keyboard as I tried to write fast enough to keep up with the rant in my brain.


Hsinwei You know..... I have to make a confession (so sorry for whom it may offend)

Twilight was the whole reason I started reading an actual book-with-no-pictures on my own account. I mean I used to despise reading, like why sit there when you could go shopping.....

Then the movie came out, it lead to the books, lead to my brief but influential obessession with vampires soo then I started reading every single type of vamp book

So to make this boring confession short, I am unable to hate this piece on pathetic monkeys and cuddly elves since it gave me reading


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

I have been waiting so long for your review of twilight L! And it did not dissapoint. I actually saw the Twilight movie like a year ago and thought it was OK. And now, just so I can FINALLY see what all the big fuss is about, I want the book. I will notify you when I do, but if I have not written a review within the following two weeks, then what the negative reviews say is true and I scooped out my own eyeballs with a fork to end the torture.


Nalnac haha! Great review. Truly.
Although I believe is just a way of looking at it. But who cares about the (lack of) Meyer's writing ?! I don't. She gave us Edward. In the words of R.Kelly (often quoted by Mr Pattinson or Edward Cullen-face himself) "I don't see nothing wrong.." if teens/30something/40too fall a bit in love with a character that is so out of reach that is a myth on his own. That is all the Twilight I need/love/care about. the rest is just blah blah blah! :)


Nalnac oh..and I do know Mussolini. maybe only b/c I'm Italian :P


message 18: by Lisa (new) - rated it 1 star

Lisa Brava! I forgot to comment when I first "liked" your review. Well said. I'm glad that you decided to comment on Meyer's juvenile behavior in regards to Midnight Sun. Personally I think the world is better off without it but it was a really crappy thing to do to her fans.


message 19: by Kira (last edited Jun 09, 2011 01:18PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira The whole sentence was "mainstream pseudo-pop band", Dan. There's a lot of truth in that statement. This is what I meant by 'sold out': If you listen to original Muse, then post-T-word Muse, what's the difference? A heck of a lot, that's what. They made the smooth transition from original rock to completely unoriginal pop, to please the masses who discovered their music. Now, whether or not this is a terrible thing isn't up to me. People have to make money to put food on the table, and if Muse have found a way to raise their sales, then more power to them. I guess I'm just disappointed after experiencing their amazing cover of 'Feeling Good' live, then years later buying the Resistance album and wanting to throw it in the trash.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being popular, but when you start changing yourself to top the charts, there's an issue.

What did the Muse aside have to do with the rest of your rant? You literally just answered your own question. Muse was pimped out by Twilight. I'm sorry if I offended you, because there's nothing wrong with Muse, they're not a bad band and I still listen to them from time to time, but there's no overlooking the stark contrast between then (unknown, fresh Muse) and now (been-there-done-that Muse).

If you don't agree, that's fine. I'm not arguing with you. Also, thanks for the whole I shall disappear as swiftly as a sparkling vampire-man. That was all kinds of LOL.


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

You should read Divergent by Veronica Roth. The relationships in the book are actually plausible and possible, where there are equal gender rights!


Diana~ God, I love your reviews! They are so entertaining, funny, and true.


message 22: by Drake (new) - rated it 1 star

Drake AMEN!


message 23: by Rose (new) - rated it 2 stars

Rose Wow, i have a whole new view on Twilight now. I kinda agree with your friend Taylor - the book is kinda sweet, but there's too many bad things in the book (the caveman/cavewoman-parts, the unrealistic, edward-cullen-is-god-thing, etc.).


Nikki So Kira is there any YA book you do like? I guess I could take the time to check out your other reviews. Also Muse was pretty big in Europe before making it big here. Who is the really say they wouldn't have exploded in time in the US without Meyer's influence? Also where did you get "She looks down on girls who appreciate shopping and physical intimacy, as well as women who cannot have children." I have read Twilight numerous times and can not recall her look down on girls like this.


message 25: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Nikki wrote: "So Kira is there any YA book you do like? I guess I could take the time to check out your other reviews. Also Muse was pretty big in Europe before making it big here. Who is the really say they wou..."

I'm not going to address your first question, because I can't understand why you'd ask me that, then state that you haven't read any of my other reviews. That's just redundant. Let's not go there.

Bella is constantly trivializing her friends and their interests, and basically, don't get me started on the way that Bella treats her friends. Also, in New Moon (or Eclipse, can't remember which one) she remarks that Leah is "not as much of a woman as she should be" because she can't have children. Now, where I come from, being unable to have children DOES NOT make you less of a woman, and to think that it does is wrong. It is not an opinion, it is wrong.

I see that you rated the book with five stars. I appreciate your contribution, but if you came here wanting to antagonize me don't bother. I would never, ever go to your review and tell you that you are wrong. Your review is your review, and mine is mine. Please don't come here looking for a fight, because I'm not interested.


message 26: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Cillian, I'm confused, darling.


message 27: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira BAHA.

Yeah, I seem to have misplaced it...must check and see if I left it under my crossbow.


message 28: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Now, where I come from, being unable to have children DOES NOT make you less of a woman,

Oddly enough, this is the case where I come from as well. Maybe we're secretly twins!


message 29: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira I often wonder that, Mello. I do.


message 30: by Kira (last edited Aug 04, 2011 08:37AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You're BB. You can do whatever the hell you want. Incest? Pah! Just 'cause others aren't badass enough to do it...


message 31: by Roxy (new) - rated it 1 star

Roxy Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one who's confused about the Twilight craze. This is best twilight review I'v eread. You've made me laugh.


message 32: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert My bewilderment cannot be expressed in words. Or cute letter emoticons.


message 33: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert I said MAYBE, Cillian, MAYBE.


message 34: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Orly?


message 36: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira AHA! Touché, BB! Touché!


message 37: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Ha ha, I win again!


message 38: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Don't deny itttttt...


message 39: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira I have never won anything as awesome as a Playmobil in a raffle. What the hell raffle was this?!


message 40: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Cillian wrote: "The last time you won something, was in kindergarten, Mocha and I took you to see a play (the one you refused to perform in because the hat you had to wear for your part, didn't have enough flowers..."

Wait, what?


message 41: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert You know I won that Playmobil fair and square.

And I didn't want that hat because it didn't have enough flowers; it was way too small. I needed a bigger one than everybody else's so they would know who I am. A WINNER.


message 42: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Well you don't have to do that...


message 43: by Elizabetha (new) - added it

Elizabetha Souvré I HATE, HATE, HATE with all my heart, soul, body, mind the bored and nasty book called Twilligh...my literary world is worst because of Stephenie Meyer's unimaginative, stupid and dull "so call story"


I laughed a lot with your review

=)


message 44: by K. (new) - rated it 2 stars

K. I can't clap my hands loud enough for this review. You make so many great points, each of them the very reason why I detest the books. What you say about Bella having no hobbies, goals and interests...*applause*. There is literally nothing to her except the Edward factor. One big thing for me was what the books say about humanity...you know, life, this gift given to us. Bella was not only willing but eager to become an undead; to give up her future, her opportunity to achieve something, anything to be a vampire. WHO THE FUCK? I can tell you that I was POSITIVE that she was going to end up with Jacob because I thought there was no way she was going to be a vampire. I kept waiting for the morality of it all, and I waited and waited and waited...and when she eventually, or shall I say unavoidably (but please know I'm rolling my eyes at that) had to be turned it was such a fucking cop out.

Although, Muse did later admit they regretted being on the soundtrack. I don't judge them for that. All musicians do it. How were they to know what they were signing up for? I guess maybe they should've read the books...


message 45: by Mimi (new)

Mimi I love you.There I said it.I don't know how you have survived after this review,but it only took me to say "Glittery Vamps" and two Twi-lovers went berserk on me.It's amazing that nobody bombarded your house.


message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

love this review. Soooo true. super entertaining too! :)
I mean, vampires used to be the sort of monster that you had nightmares about, and now girls daydream about then? so not right. Half our generation has no idea the history of vampires, or the horrifying stories there are! Someone needs to educate these kids, and vampires aren't the only thing I'm talking about here! History is being distorted!!!
Sorry, that was my rant.
Oh, love the feminist take you had on this book! You go girl!
-Kaya


message 48: by Chris (last edited Nov 28, 2011 03:07AM) (new)

Chris This review slightly restored my faith in the future of humanity. Although reading you used to be a fan of muse kind of blunted it again.


message 49: by Tami (new) - rated it 1 star

Tami I wish I could forward this review to 98% of the girls I know. But finally after two days of sex-ed in school, my friends realized that Twishit was nothing more than the infatuation of Mary-Sue and her creepy ass boyfriend.

The scary thing, is that I had a friend in 8th grade who told me that any cute guy breaking into her window and watching her sleep without her permission was romantic.

Oh, I wish at my high school two sassy guys got best couple. But I live in Conservapedia so that will never happen. For goodness sake, the school GSA club was flamed and harassed over Facebook.

Goddamn, I need to reread this book and write a review.


Cat *living for the One who breaths life into me* i totally respect you thoughts about the book and though i liked the book i do agree that Bella can be very whiney, needy, annoying, and Edward-obessed. i understand that it isn't everyones cup of tea. :) and yeah, the writting is pretty bad. there are so many flaws in this series but overall i like them even though they are vastly flawed and shallow and stupid and go agaisnt a lot of things i agree with :)


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