Kira's Reviews > Fallen

Fallen by Lauren Kate
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Dec 03, 13

bookshelves: ya, books-to-use-as-weapons, angels-and-demons, made-no-sense, train-wreck-romance, tstl-heroine, lost-the-will-to-live, go-choke-on-your-sexism, cat-scratch-series, lolwut, made-me-want-to-choke-myself, my-eyes-my-eyes, what-has-been-seen-cannot-be-unseen, sentimental-value, rule-of-abeko-you-broke-it, so-boring-i-ate-my-own-face
Recommended to Kira by: A piece of broken dry wall
Recommended for: Broken dry wall
Read from July 18 to 22, 2010 — I own a copy, read count: 1

** spoiler alert ** Thanks, Satan, but your book recommendation didn't work out that well. Better luck next time, yeah?

Along with literally HUNDREDS of other people who read this book, I was completely brainwashed by the stunning cover. I literally walked into WHSmith, looked at it, had a massive aneurysm, and by the time I'd come round the book was inexplicably in my hand and my wallet was thirty dollars lighter.

Who knew?

Gaiz. I should have known better than to pick up something that P.C. Cast, of all people, "loved loved loved!" P.C. Cast would love love love a piece of broken dry wall if it promised her some publicity.

I mean, really. Come on. Just take a look at this thing:

"She didn't usually get involved with rocker guys - but then again, none of them had ever pulled the desk next to her even closer, plopped down beside her, and stared at her with eyes quite so green."

That's, um...yeah. That's pretty bad, guys. I am constantly appalled by the craft of this book. It feels cheeky, in fact, for this book to just sit there on my shelf, playing coy, flicking its hair like it doesn't know shit. I feel like, if it could talk, it would smirk and say, "Look how many of me there are. There's only one of you."

Yes, there is indeed only one of me, Fallen, but at least I don't suck harder than a Chelsea fan with a yard of ale, you smug little shit.

What the cover of this book tries to tell you is that this is a dark, twisty tale of dark, twisty things with dark, twisty characters that'll make you do one because they're so dark and twisty and awesome.

But alas, the characters in this book are no more dark and twisty than the flame guy from Howl's Moving Castle. (That was a GREAT movie.) They do nothing but wander around, angst, fuck each other over passive-aggressively, whine, angst some more, fuck each other over some more, whine again, kiss like something from a cheap Harlequin knock-off and then BAM! Get on a private plane and fly straight into the core of the sun.

Oh, if only I were so lucky.

Seriously, the entire story arc of this novel goes like this:

Daniel: ZOMG I hate Luce.
Luce: ZOMG I love Daniel.
Daniel: ZOMG I love Luce.
Luce: ZOMG angels!
Daniel: Luce, you are trash and I'm going to treat you like trash.
Luce: That's okay!
Daniel: I don't care if it's okay. I'm going to do it anyway. Bow down, woman. I am man. Thou brain hast shrunk, demon.
Luce: ZOMG! I love you, Daniel!

description

The dynamic between Luce and Daniel is prehistoric. It is a true caveman/cavewoman scenario. Daniel literally dictates every area of Luce's life, directly and indirectly. He tells her who she should and should not talk to, makes disgusting gestures at her, talks to her as if she's a piece of crap - and as if he needed to. Luce lets her life revolve around him, and every decision, nay, MOVE she makes is based around whether or not Daniel would approve, despite the fact that in regards to her he's shown about as much interest as a bear does to the grass it shits on.

It's mind-blowing how many people will eat this crap up and beg for more. Am I a sap, for buying into this series? Probably. But my copy must have been lacking in dispensed soma gas, because to me Daniel never appears to be in any way SEXY or GORGEOUS or AMAZING or SWEET. He is a piece of shit. He is patriarchy personified.

In fact, he's technically a serial killer.

I just...I can't even. I can't invest myself in a "hero" who is portrayed as having systematically murdered his love interest since the dawn of time. And that's what this is. It's like a metaphor glorifying spousal violence. Look: when Daniel kisses or has romantic contact with Luce, she explodes into a ball of flame. Every single time, he knows this, and yet he still pursues her. How is this in any way justifiable? You can call it what you want, but this is the truth. He murders Luce. Murders her. He premeditates his interaction with her, then approaches her and makes advances, knowing that it will all end with her dead.

Why can't people see this? The male lead in this book is a murderer. Why would you want a boyfriend who is happy to murder you? What is that? Why is that okay? Why is that romantic?

WHY?

Daniel, go die in a hole. I mean it. Die. In a hole.

It's not like there was even an engaging plot to wrap a silver lining around all that rape culture. There was just a huge black hole of nothingness, peppered with vague references to Luce's black hair which everybody seems to be inexplicably obsessed with and some confusing is-she-or-isn't-she flip-flopping with Penn who I suspect was suitably cray-cray, but wouldn't admit it. Luce spends about 90% of her time fawning over Daniel, 3% angsting about the suitably bland sub-plot of moving shadows, and 7% expressing this smug disgust of anyone who isn't Daniel.

And what in the name of David Bowie's blouse was going on with the setting? For a reform school, there wasn't much reforming going on. It was basically just a boarding school with some easily-outsmarted cameras pretending to be ominous and barred windows which, when the students are allowed to skip class and roam the grounds like free range yet headless chickens, prove to be completely pointless. Why bar the windows if you're going to let students just wander right out of the front gate?

description

And that isn't even the half of it. This book is just so intellectually challenged. It's like that annoying little cousin who insists that one plus one equals window, because they think that makes them cute or funny or endearing.

Fallen, you are as cute, funny and endearing as a fungal infection.

Really, though. There are so many ridiculous things about this book. The last scene? The principal flies Luce off in private plane to...somewhere, to...some end, with...someone. I actually don't understand the principal's involvement in the whole angel/demon extravaganza. Also, the entire school was full of angels just meandering around making cryptic remarks to Luce. No, it's not as if, as angels, they have anything better to do. They just swan about being so funny, so witty, so mysterious, so hot! Guys, no wonder God kicked you out of Heaven. You are absolutely insipid. And why didn't they realize that the evil megalomaniac villain was just casually chilling in the library? Talking to Luce? They appear to know who the villain is once she reveals herself to Luce, so why didn't they stamp her out earlier? Daniel even hangs around in the library, and yet he doesn't twig that the evil librarian might just want to cut Luce's throat!

I just don't know what's happened to the YA villains of late. Miss Sophia is just the epitome of a cheesy, stupid, cliched villain with weird and/or non-existent motives. It's like Twilight, in which Stephenie wrote three hundred pages of fluff and was just about to turn it into her editor, but realized, "Oops! I forgot! Something has to happen!" and threw in some inane villain who for some vague reason wants the heroine dead, which, golly gosh, means the hero will have to save her!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand....we're back to the cave people. Look at that.

I just - I feel like this book has some kind of personal vendetta against me. It wants to watch me squirm. It wants to wriggle around in my hands, adjusting its perfect makeup and snorting delicately whenever I roll my eyes at its stupidity, as if I could simply never understand it.

This book is a snob. An entitled, cheeky, overhyped snob. If it were a person, I'd slap it upside the head. This book can go eat a peppercorn. This book can go stuff itself.

And just to add insult to injury, my copy smells funny. It's like Dentastix, but with a whiff of something like cat saliva.

So thanks. Thanks, Delacorte Press. Thanks, Brahma. Thanks, Fate. Thanks for letting me pick the one that smells like animal.

Sheesh.



BONUS TIME!

Fallen: Unabridged

Chapter One: Who Gives A Shit

Luce barged into the fluorescent-lit lobby of the Sword & Cross School ten minutes later than she should have. A barrel-chested attendant with ruddy cheeks and a clipboard clamped under an iron bicep was already giving orders - which meant Luce was already behind.
"So remember, it's meds, beds, and reds," the attendant barked at a cluster of three other students all standing with their backs to Luce. "Remember the basics and no one gets hurt."
Luce hurried to slip in behind the group, but in her panicked state failed to notice the banana skin lying carelessly on the floor. Her sneaker ploughed into it and she slipped fast, hurtling forward into the group of teens crowding before the attendant. With a scream she crashed into a slight girl with a flood of thick, dark hair, and both of them clattered to the ground in a tangle.
"Are you alright?" shrieked the girl as she scrambled to her feet, having landed on top of Luce. Luce coughed and suddenly - suddenly the world spun around her like a carousel, and when she peeled her trembling hand away from her neck, nausea rolled her stomach into her throat: it was pasted with a thick glove of black blood.
A Swiss Army knife, flung from the other girl's pocket during the fall, had punctured Luce's jugular vein. Her blood spilled all over the linoleum in violent scarlet torrents, her vision splintered and the volley of screams that erupted in the hallway muffled to naught but a far-off hum.
She slumped to the floor, losing the battle with consciousness. As her eyelids weighed down, drawing her deep into profound darkness, one haunting thought ghosted over her mind: I wonder if they have jump ropes in this school?

FIN
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 115) (115 new)


message 1: by Annalisa (last edited Jul 30, 2010 12:18PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Annalisa Oh, I think Torment can get worse. I think she can "out crap" herself :). I like what you said about when dealing with religion, you need research and respect. I was trying to figure out why this book bothered me so much when books like Hush, Hush haven't and it's that. That angel mythology can be non-canonical, but this isn't. It's about real Biblical people and it's tacky to not handle that with respect.


Kat Kennedy Yey! Great review! I felt exactly the same!


message 3: by Amy (new) - rated it 1 star

Amy The thing about "I flipped through the Bible and somehow 'stumbled' across the line about the angels that were cast out of heaven because blah-de-blah-blah" ticked me off too. If she'd REALLY read the Bible, the book would be much more interesting.


message 4: by Katya (last edited Jan 23, 2011 02:44AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katya Great review! I've always thought that if Daniel fell, he was more likely to do so out of pride, not lust, given how pussified he acts throughout the book.


Annalisa Is love a sin? No. Is lust? Yes.

Exactly! Thanks for pointing that out.


message 6: by Lucy (new)

Lucy Please read and review torment. I'll Paypal you the money for the book just so I can read the review.


message 7: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Lucy, Isis and Annalisa--you are angels. Angels with really-cool non-sissy wings and the ability to kick Daniel Grigori's ass.

Lucy, my love, I have already reviewed Torment. It awaits you in my archive. I very much hope you enjoy it.

All of you--have a miraculous day. And have fun with your wings.


Anila Excellent review. Bookmarking because you made a lot of points about angels that I had no way to notice. I learned something reading this!

By the by, methinks the reason people are comparing this to Twilight is not for structural similarities as much as it is because this book is so obviously riding Smeyer's coattails to the bestseller list. If it came out at a different time in YA publishing it'd probably still get reamed for being stupid and full of fail, though.


message 9: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Again, Anila--little bit in love with you. I AM SO GLAD YOU LEARNED SOMETHING VIA MY REVIEW! Happiness ensues.

I think you are most likely right with your second point, there. It is blatantly obvious that Ms. Kate has seen the success of Twilight and tapped the genre at just the right time as a result--she wrote a book before this one, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the paranormal, nor did it make her anywhere near as famous as she is now within teen pop culture. It seems that the new trend is not high school hetero supernatural romance, but the general exploitation of pre-teen girls desperate to be a part of the newest trend. How sad.


message 10: by Anila (new) - rated it 1 star

Anila Kate, Fitzpatrick, Noel, and all the others- that's not even counting the pathetic attempts at dystopias that another group of scam artists authors is churning out- it's sickening.
I still cling to the theory that perhaps Ms. Kate is trolling on a massive scale, though. That would make my day, if she one day stood up from her throne of ill-gotten gains and said "Yeah, I did this on purpose; the story is crap and the characters are idiotic and that was intentional because I knew you'd all swallow it."


message 11: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Anila, only then would she gain my respect. No, actually, if she did that, she'd be my hero, forever.

I'm so going to do that some day. "Oh, by the way, you know that teen phenomenon I just spammed every single book store/movie theater/teenage brain with? Yeah, I was kidding. Total troll."


message 12: by Anila (new) - rated it 1 star

Anila If you ever do I will worship you until the end of time. It shall be the founding of the Church of Kira.


message 13: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira HooooooMAN, do you realize how many people that would piss off? The Church of Kira? LET'S DO IT! We could put death notes in the back of the pews instead of bibles.

I love finding new things to do on March break!


message 14: by Anila (new) - rated it 1 star

Anila And sing Japanese pop songs instead of hymms? T'would be the awesomest church ever.
I can just see that... "So, what'd you do on Spring Break?"
"I went to Mexico."
"Yeah? Well, I founded my own church."


message 15: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira "Your own church? That's...interesting."
"Yeah. Wanna buy an apple? Proceeds go to Wammy's House. Y'know, child geniuses and all that."


Madison Woah! That review was amazing! I thought I liked this book,but there were some key flaws that I just couldnt identify. You got them all, and then some! i learned A LOT about angels as well. I was one of the twihards back in 8th grade,so that is why I liked this book, but you have enlightened me to be more cautious in the books i choose. I am proud to say i watch both Supernatural and (re-runs of) Buffy!


message 17: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Madison, you are AWESOME, and I love Supernatural too. Though I do feel that it should be illegal to have so much male hotness crammed on to one screen. It does not do wonders for the blood pressure.


message 18: by Marie (new)

Marie This is an awesome review, and yay for Madison! but I'm really only commenting to squee over Supernatural (all that male hotness isn't all that great for the higher brain functions either)


message 19: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Oh, Marie! Tell me about it! I often find myself having to relearn how to tie my shoelaces after watching an hour of Jensen Ackles kicking ass.


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Ryuk, you are the funniest female I have ever heard of. I mean, you are AWESOME. I hadn't heard about this book before I joined Goodreads,but I definitely will try to find it in the library just so I can trash it in a review. I hope I don't kill any brain cells. But, the one thing that really creeps me out, is the fact that you said daniel is as bad as Patch.
Patch? Patch Cipriano from HUSH HUSH? Why can't heroines of current YA romances find boyfriends that aren't sexual harrassers? And Daniel gives his twu luv the MIDDLE FINGER?! That is some messed up bull crap!!!!!!
And you are right: the Joker is one of the greatest villains EVER. Heath Ledger rocks!!!!!
By the way, you're wrong about Latin not being taught anywhere. My mother said it most likely is still being taught in Catholic schools.


message 21: by Lissa (new) - added it

Lissa Am i the only one who doesn't actually find Jensen Ackles attractive? Yes? I'll leave quietly, then.


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

Lissa wrote: "Am i the only one who doesn't actually find Jensen Ackles attractive? Yes? I'll leave quietly, then."

Who is Jensen Ackles??


message 23: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF LISSA!

I still love you. Don't fret. But holy shit! Really? Maaaaaan...for me, Jensen Ackles beats tacos. And that's really saying something. Hot damn.

ZEJA! Go watch Supernatural. It's on Dusk pretty much every night. Or you could even rent it at the video store. IT'S HELLA AWESOME!


message 24: by Kira (last edited May 06, 2011 06:13PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira

THIS IS JENSEN ACKLES, ZEJA.


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

Ryuk wrote: "

THIS IS JENSEN ACKLES, ZEJA."


OK,thanks for the pic, and the advice!!


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

By the way, is Daniel Grigori really as bad as Patch? And do you think my brain cells will die if I read FALLEN?


Jahlia ((thing 10 Evil 1)) I love your review! And speaking of actors for death note.......Did you know that light's actor for death note(movie) was also played in Battle Royale! If you didn't see it then you need too! Plus it has a manga and a Novel! How cool is that? Okay, i'm getting carried away here. *sighs* the point, i sorta agreed with you about Luce, even though i tried to be on her side..........okay i'll admit it Daniel's an asshole. He should've ran away from her like the hounds of hell were xhasing him. The selfish son of a bitch didn't. Plus flipping her off didn't exactly get the message through Luce's thick scull. So she decided to become a stalker but at least she wasn't an Edward. Sneaking into daniel's room would've really hurt their relationship. Well their Lucestaythefuckawayfromme and their iloveyoulucei'lldieifyougothurt. Bipolar much? And now about another thing have you seen the new supernatural eps? They suck ass and i'm seriously considering hate mail A LOT OF IT. The new writer sucks!!!!!!!!!!! Gah! The new eps suck, right now i'm watching the newest one with my parents. Why are they making Castiel a traitor??????Why? Dear goodness Eric Kripke come back! BTW love Light Yagami! I also loved L until Light killed him. *Grrrrrr* well again loved your review it had me cracking up. Also torment is better. Bye.


Jahlia ((thing 10 Evil 1)) Crap.......sorryabout that something wrong with my mobile and lissa; WTF? Jensen Ackles is hot. Case closed.


message 29: by [deleted user] (last edited May 06, 2011 06:38PM) (new)

I agree with the jensen ackles thing.
And Ryuk:I actually saw supernatural once when my dad watched it. And it does look awesome!!!


message 30: by [deleted user] (last edited May 06, 2011 08:10PM) (new)

Do you think that Daniel can really be as bad as Patch, Ryuk? Because I don't know if my stomach can take another stalker love interest.


message 31: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Maybe not quite as bad. He doesn't sexually harass Luce, but he's still a totally infuriating and chauvinist douchebag. Enter at your peril!


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

OK, I shall ask mother for this book and enter the fire. Let's hope I come out with my sanity intact.


message 33: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Good luck! Here's an extra pair of socks and an energy bar. You'll need them.


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

Why thank you, Ryuk! I really do like socks!


Madison Ryuk wrote: "Madison, you are AWESOME, and I love Supernatural too. Though I do feel that it should be illegal to have so much male hotness crammed on to one screen. It does not do wonders for the blood pressure."

Aww,shucks thanks. I AGREE COMPLETELY!!!!!


message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

Actually, I think he(Jensen) is quite atracctive.


Madison Beyond Birthday wrote: "I don't like Jensen Ackles either.

You keep Jensen, I'll keep this human cake pop

"


oh i like jensen ackles,but i wouldnt mind having a slice of that!!! hahahaha!! by the way,who is that? just curious


Wendy Darling BB, who is that? Pretty!


message 39: by Lissa (new) - added it

Lissa OK in my defence I generally like my men less 'pretty' and more manly, like freaking Vikings (my fiancée is a Viking re-enactor and the hugest guy I've ever met) but I do think Jared Padalecki is cute in a little-brother, puppy-dog kind of way. At least I can say I watch Supernatural for the story, not the boys. LOL.


Jahlia ((thing 10 Evil 1)) Have you seen jensen in action on supernatural? That man can look pretty and handle a gun! BTW new ep yesterday sucked. They're turning my beloved Castiel into a traitor. And who's patch? Another book charactor? Is he like an edward cullen or Damen salvatore from vampire diaries(books)?


message 42: by [deleted user] (last edited May 07, 2011 11:43AM) (new)

Jahlia wrote: "Have you seen jensen in action on supernatural? That man can look pretty and handle a gun! BTW new ep yesterday sucked. They're turning my beloved Castiel into a traitor. And who's patch? Another b..."

Patch is the love interest of Nora Grey in Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush Hush series. He is a creepy stalker/fallen angel and you can find out exactly what I think about him and his twu luv in my review of Hush Hush. And if you ever meet a guy like Patch ,FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AND BUY A GUARD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wendy Darling I'm normally with Lissa on the alpha male thing, but every once in awhile there's a boy pretty enough to make my head turn.

BB, if we gave this truffle silver hair he'd be perfect as Jem from Clockwork Angel! I'm not usually into Asian guys (although I'm Asian, go figure), but the ones who are attractive are very attractive.

Zeja, that is the perfect description of Patch. Ugh.


message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

Wendy wrote: "I'm normally with Lissa on the alpha male thing, but every once in awhile there's a boy pretty enough to make my head turn.

BB, if we gave this truffle silver hair he'd be perfect as Jem from Clo..."


Glad you think so. And let's hope none of us run into a Patch in real life.


Stanulienka I laughed so hard while reading this, it's unbelievable. "I wonder if they have jump ropes in this school?" :D


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

“The relationship between Luce and Daniel was controlling, unhealthy and obsessive, from both sides.”

That literally made me spill soda all over my jeans, but no problem. You made me laugh! You are probably the only person that has made me laugh this whole week and totes to that! I love your reviews but I don't appreciate the reference to Latin being recalled as useless because I'm studying Latin over the summer and when school starts again. I love the language and to me, Latin is like poetry and I have to learn it so I can use it for the stories I'm writing where most everything has to do with the Latin language. Somehow. Adding to that, my best friend Katy is Irish, so she's learning Gaelic and it's not useless to her so I was kind of disappointed about that being called useless also. But no worries, I love your review and I thought Luce was like this girl at my school who has nothing better to do but sit there and act dumb when she has so much potential. Not that I think Luce has any potential whatsoever of being like Katniss or Hermione. I hate it when relationships in books are so condensed and fast-paced that it's absolutely unreadable and unbelievable.


message 47: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Sorry, Dim! I'll go remove that from my review. I didn't know Latin and Gaelic were still in use, sorry if I offended you.

Still, glad you enjoyed the rest of my review! Have an awesome day.


Danielle This is really long, but I do agree with this 100%


Susana I am totally in love with you because of that comment you made about Supernatural. Sam!Girl for life.

Great review by the way. I totes agree.

That is all.


Annie I just saw the casting for the movie....Lucy Hale as Luce and Elizabeth Gilles as Arianne.....


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