gina's Reviews > The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real
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's review
Aug 19, 10

bookshelves: nonfiction, relationships, audiobook
Read from June 27 to July 19, 2010

A very solid book about looking at your spouse and your relationships in a healthier way. I recommend it to anyone who's had trouble building healthy relationships due to past drama/trauma in their lives. If your one of those lucky people who has no problems and gets along with your spouse beautifully without ever struggling then don't waste your time. You're obviously an advanced creature on the evolutionary chain. But if you're like the rest of us and you love your spouse but you sometimes feel like arguments get out of control and that the D word floats about in your consciousness then I'd definitely recommend this book.

It gives you firm and clear advice on how to learn to handle arguments differently. Some of it is the old wise advice that you've heard before "you can't change someone else, only yourself." "you can't control anyone or anything except your own decisions etc." And these things still ring true but his theory that we purposely pick a mate that stirs up unfinished emotional pain in yourself (he's just like your mom or dad in how ((lazy, rude, controlling, fill in the blank?)) he acts and it drives you crazy and you think you married the wrong person) but he says we do this on purpose. We subconsciously pick a mate that will stir up these feelings/issues and allow us to finally address them and mature and heal. This was really eye opening and life changing to think about. I like his theory that we not only choose that person who represents that bad unfinished business so we can advance and heal, but also that this person has a fantastic good side that makes up for the bad, if only we can learn to look at them differently.

I especially like his firm stance that no violence should happen to another person in a relationship. Not physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or spiritual. He lays down some great ground rules about how to go about refusing to be a victim of violence.

I will caution that the reader of the audiobook was so incredibly bad that it was hard to make it through some of the book. No matter how good the words were his reading just sabotaged it.

Lastly, the communication wheel took forever to explain and get but once I got it I thought it was the best thing ever. Unfortunately I doubt I'll ever get the hubs to do it O.o but if I could I think it would revolutionize our communication about serious topics! I would have preferred to see this concept written out on the page as it was a little lengthy and confusing to hear explained without seeing the steps.
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