At the bottom of it is our fundamental way of being - Who we are as people. Who we are is a function of our deepest attitudes an...moreNotes from my reading;
At the bottom of it is our fundamental way of being - Who we are as people. Who we are is a function of our deepest attitudes and sensibilities toward others. It is the very way we see and experience the people in our world. It is our way of being in the world with them. This means that the key to my relationship with my spouse is my personal 'way of being' - my fundamental way of regarding him. Is he a person to me, or a mere object? Do I appreciate and honor him as a person - with hopes, dream, fears, and wants as real as my own? Or do I see him primarily in terms of my hopes, dreams, fears, and wants? Am I selfless in our relationship... or selfish? Am I self-forgetful... or self-preoccupied? No questions are more important for marriage, for what my spouse and I enjoy in our relationship depends directly on the way of being each of us brings to our relationship.
Whatever my outward show of 'acceptable' marital or parental conduct, my spouse and children can tell the quality of my heart. They can tell whether I am thinking of them in what I am doing, or whether I am thinking of myself and of my own convenience or reputation.
If I've tried many things and my children just aren't responding, the solution is not to try still more methods of correction. The solution is to do a better job of teaching.
Parents weren't meant to spend most of their time correcting their children. How do we help things go right, instead of react when things go wrong.
When we are resistant to others, it provokes resistance. Any action we take is always in relation to others...[and:] resistant actions [are:] less likely to result in positive growth or change.
We cannot find others irritating without becoming irritated persons ourselves. Nor can we find others worthwhile without becoming appreciative persons ourselves. Who we are is who we are with others. How they seem to us is a revelation of ourselves.
As long as our hearts are wrong, we can't do right... Our actions can never be more than counterfeits of generosity, kindness, or consideration, for they will bear the taint of our impatience, resentment, suspicion, anxiety, fear, or whatever accusing thoughts and feelings we may have."
Defined self-deception as not knowing - and resisting the possibility.
Most conflicts are perpetuated by self-deception. So are most failures in communication. And most breakdowns in trust and accountability.
Clearly, as long as the problem of not knowing one has a problem remains ... so will all other problems.
If I am to invite change in others, there is something that first must change in me... A culture of change can never be created by external behavioral strategies alone.
You often intuitively know what a right action toward another person is.
An act contrary to what you feel you should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal."
When you betray yourself, you begin to see the world in a way that justifies your self-betrayal.
When you see a self-justifying world, your view of reality becomes distorted - you begin to deceive yourself; "entering the box."
Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of you, and you carry them with you.
By being in the box, you provoke others to be in the box.
In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reasons to stay in the box. (less)