**spoiler alert** Liked a lot. This was one that made me feel, 'ah, now I see why that marriage is working for so-and-so...' or 'of course! of course...more**spoiler alert** Liked a lot. This was one that made me feel, 'ah, now I see why that marriage is working for so-and-so...' or 'of course! of course I'l always felt that bit of advice wasn't quite right, and he's helped explain why!'
It helped me see why some marriages that don't seem very functional, are, in their own way. And have positive attributes going for them. Maybe any two people who work at it, CAN in fact maintain a healthy marriage.
"One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented do the exes realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other. Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs."
I found their marriage myths interesting...and to a common technique used to help marriages: active listening; he states most happily married couples they studied did anything but actively listen when they were angry. True! ...because he person being bashed behind all of those kind "I" statements is the spouse, and they don't want to listen to it when they are angry, no matter how kindly stated.
"...happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." pg 20. He goes on to talk about a marriage that is built on little daily humdrum and seemingly unromantic things like him calling to see how an appointment went and her asking how a meeting went and him making breakfast, but leaving out an ingredient he knows she dislikes. He says these are things that maintain friendship. "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse....Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt." Getting these positive feelings of friendship back are what he's all about.
"repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action- silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control." Even my kids unknowingly use this. When one child knows I'm upset, she gets a sad face and says, "I need a hug." Once in an argument, my husband grabbed one of my self-help books off my shelf, sat down by the door so I couldn't leave, and opened it up to read. When I asked what he was doing, he pouted and said, "I just want to make you happy, and I'm not sure what to do!" I laughed. His repair attempt worked.
One of the best pieces of advice I feel he gives: "Most marital arguments cannot be resolved."
"Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind- but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage."
"This doesn't mean there is nothing you can do if your relationship has been overrun by conflict. But it does mean that the typical conflict-resolution advice won't help. Instead, you need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict between you- and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other."
Makes me think of the advice: I didn't marry you because I though you would one day become just like me, I married you because you are you!
Principle One: "...intimately familiar with each other's world....They remember the major events in each others history, and they keep updating their information as teh facts and feelings of their spouses world changes....They know each others goals in life, each others worries, each other's hopes."
one way to keep this up is to choose sets of questions like "What is your dream for 5 yrs" or "what is your favorite meal" and ask each other on a date night.
Principle Two: "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities- even as you grapple with each other's flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree."
Just thinking and talking about positive feelings towards your partner can immediately make things positive.
Principle Three: Turn toward each other, in little ways, instead of away. The dull things! Read the paper together, discuss the weather together, chat during dinner. All of this builds up good feelings towards each other in your emotional bank account (works for kids too!). It is the secret to reconnecting with your partner. While most people think a romantic night out or getaway is what they need, those only work only when the couple has kept up daily.
Principle Four: "...the happiest and most stable marriages in the long run were those where the husband treated his wife [and the other way around, but read his stuff, it was mostly the husbands on this point] with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.
"...it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid escalating conflicts in this way [using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or ignoring], the bottom line is that husbands put their marriage at added risk when they do."
Interesting, makes sense if you think about it.
With children as well to a point. When husbands and wives feel connected to turn to each other in happy and sad moments. Children will too.
"More than 80% of the time it's the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn't a symptom of a troubled marriage- it's true in most happy marriages as well."
Two kinds of problems: Solvable or not solvable: Not solvable can become a gridlock in your marriage: and issue that makes you feel rejected by your spouse, you are unbending, frustrated, hurt, and just get more unbudgeable as time goes on. All of this is telling you there is a profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in it's place. Solvable is usually less painful because it is focused more on a simple issue.
"The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: Communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality." Of course, this is why you married them in the first place isn't it! Your spouse must also feel understood and casored for first.
Principle Five: Solve the solvable: basically "...having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company."
1-Start the discussion with NO criticism or contempt. Doesn't have to be cute and sweet, it can be "Hey, I can be a slob too, but I'm so angry that you walked by the full laundry basket three times tonight and didn't fold a single towel!"
"...discussions invariably end on the same note they began." ...so... soften the startup! "...if your spouse tends to raise issues harshly, the best advice I can give is to make sure he/she is feeling known, respected, and loved by you, and that you accept her influence."
2-Repair attempts if things get out of control
3-take a break- for 20 min or so, and don't think about the issue for that time....
4- Compromise "...the cornerstone of any compromise is...accepting influence....you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position." List one or two things about the issue that you won't budge on....and then all the things that you will compromise on about it. Find the common goals. Whatever the issue, be it housework duties to parenting, write it out.
5- "Until you accept your partner's flaws and foibles, you will not be able to compromise successfully...it is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other."
A quote I really liked: "Many well meaning experts recommend that you consider marriage and family a balancing act...with baby on one end and your marriage on the other. Couples are counseled to spend some time away from the baby and focus on...anything but the baby at home....but they are of one cloth. Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making [the transition to parenthood] well together, they will find that they can't stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to....The important thing here is that they are in it together."
Principle 6: "The gridlocked conflict will probably always be a perpetual issue with your marriage, but one day you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You will learn to live with the problem."
gridlock is showing that you had plans for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by your spouse: maybe big (religion), practical (wanting to always have a certain amount of savings), or something that makes you feel secure or loved, which would probably be something you have grown up with or without.
"Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations....Be patient." It might get worse before it gets better!
Write about the issue from each of your positions and write the story behind it. Write about what plans you saw your life taking.
Then each get to talk 15 min while the other simply listens. And do not try to solve anything.
Take a relaxing break. With each other or alone. Don't think about the issue.
Then come back and make your lists again, things you can't compromise on in this issue (only one or two if possible!) and things you can (as many as you can think of).
Temporary compromise that honors and respects both sides. Try it for two months and come back.
Principle 7-
"...a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become."
Not always agreeing completely about your views, but always talking about them so that there s a deeper blending of your sense of meaning. Having and atmosphere in the home where each are comfortable to talk about views.
5 hrs a week: parting time, phone time, end of work-day conversation, admiration/appreciation, affection, weekly date.
Some experts claim if we lower our overly-high expectation of each other in marriage, things will smooth out better...this author found..."that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide."(less)
Love and Logic books have some great detailed information on raising kids, especially teens, that I will definitely get into again when more details a...moreLove and Logic books have some great detailed information on raising kids, especially teens, that I will definitely get into again when more details are needed. For the busy, frazzled mom, THIS was an easy, quick read and immediately applicable, helping me feel a little more equipped to patiently and lovingly guide my very young children through their choices. I felt like it could be called, "helping your children help themselves, for dummies (or the dummy mommy)" and not in a demeaning way. It was the Love and Logic stuff, all worded in quick, simple examples that I could immediately put to the test. And they worked. My child responded positively. Cheesy? Well, isn't that the language of toddlers? Simple. To the point. It was written this way on purpose. If a more scholarly approach to Love and Logic info is needed, it's out there. At a time I needed it, this book was a light-hearted, don't take yourself so seriously, little sanity-saver...now on to the Love and Logic books written to the mom who is not so postpartum that she has a little more thinking power... :)(less)
Teaching HOW to think not WHAT For Child-Child Problems: what happened what's the matter how does _____feel? How do you feel w...moreTeaching HOW to think not WHAT For Child-Child Problems: what happened what's the matter how does _____feel? How do you feel what happened when you did that how did tha tmake you feel can you think of a difference way to solve this probelmt (so you both won't be anger, he won't hit you, etc) Is that a good idea or not a good idea? good idea: go ahead and try that not good idea: oh, you'll have to think of something different.
For Parent-Child: Can I talk to you AND to ___ at the SAME time? Is this GOOD TIME to tlak to me can you think of a GOOD TIME to talk to me Is that a GOOD PLACE to, draw, stand, leave food, etc Can you think of a GOOD PLACE to ___ How do you think I feel when you don't listen, throw food, interrupt me Can you think of something DIFFERENT to do NOW until (you can paint, I can help, etc)
What MIGHT happen IF... Do we feel the SAME way about this problem or a DIFFERENT way How can you tell how someone is feeling? We see, with our eyes their face we HEAR them angry, or laugh, etc We can ASK them (games with pics and hold something in front of your face and ask them how you feel in happy/mad/sad sounding voice)
Words to role play and play question games: IS/IS NOT AND/OR SOME/ALL BEFORE/AFTER NOW/LATER SAME/DIFFERENT GOOD TIME/NOT A GOOD TIME IF/THEN MIGHT/MAYBE WHY/BECAUSE FAIR/NOT FAIR(less)
1- Don't Take Sides Separation-take them apart until they are calm. fair doesn't matter now, just do it fast. IF there is threat of Harm- Imme...more1- Don't Take Sides Separation-take them apart until they are calm. fair doesn't matter now, just do it fast. IF there is threat of Harm- Immediately interviene and talk to offender: We DO NOT. That Harms we NEVER harm. (physical or emotional) 2- Act FAST (or Not at All) the second is starts to bother YOU (interupt you, distract you, etc) The benefits of Bickering 3- Don't Listen in the heat of the moment (Would you like a hug? That must be frustrating. That sounds like a problem. I don't know what to say to you. Or say no more..) Working it through on their own Listen very well all other times, listen, talk, problem solve, but not during the issue, to not take sides, not to let them push something you said NO to.
Baby Self vs Adult Self bullying happens in the baby self, it's okay name calling happens in the baby self, it's okay hitting happens in the baby self...maybe okay? (less)
Don't pit your kids against each other all of the time "Lets see who brushes first!" "First one asleep is the winner!" "First...moreDon't pit your kids against each other all of the time "Lets see who brushes first!" "First one asleep is the winner!" "First one done is the winner" etc etc. We want our kids to be a team, not against each other.
Anger: indulge in the feeling, don't act on it. Don't take your kids negative behaviors be a reflection of their "moral decline" because you don't know the future. Address the issue at hand. Take a Time Out Write a Note
Distraction: "Who wants...."
"Lets take this to the table." (To sit and work it out for a long boring time...hopefully they will learn to say "no thanks, we can work it out on our own) (less)
Use Words for feelings, make wishes, do a creative/symbolic activity (Hang a "private property" sign on door) "People are not for h...moreUse Words for feelings, make wishes, do a creative/symbolic activity (Hang a "private property" sign on door) "People are not for hurting." (tell with words) Draw a pictures Write it out "Insisting upon good feelings between children leads to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between siblings leads to good feelings."
Don't try to make equal: focus on individual NEEDS (feelings, time, etc) and uniqueness of each child Don't give attention to the aggressor: pay attention to the injured party instead
Parents can really help children see what they are capable of: "you know how to get things without hurting" You know how to be very kind You are very capable of being kind, I want you to try that now Your sister is too smart to let you take her ice cream you can decide if you want to share or not try asking differently, he can be very generous
Fighting: Intervene when harm can be done, or when they need help: Acknowledge anger, reflect points of view of each, describe problem, express confidence, leave. You are angry: draw a pic, hit a pillow...
Harm: is this a play fight or a real fight (It's only a play fight if BOTH want to play) I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other. It's not safe to be together, we must have a cooling off period, Quick, you go ....and you go..... can't work it out? Call a meeting. Write down each side. Write down rebuttal. Invite solutions. Decide. Follow up. (less)
"Does it ever give thee pause, that men used to have a soul- not by hearsay alone, or as a figure of speech; but as a truth that they knew, and a...more"Does it ever give thee pause, that men used to have a soul- not by hearsay alone, or as a figure of speech; but as a truth that they knew, and acted upon! Verily it was another world then...but yet it is a pity we have lost the tidings of our souls...we shall have to go in search of them again, or worse in all ways shall befall us." -Thomas Carlyle (pg 101)(less)
...didn't want to start a fantasy series...and...couldn't put it down...haven't read a book in present tense in...oh I dunno, maybe ever? I liked it a...more...didn't want to start a fantasy series...and...couldn't put it down...haven't read a book in present tense in...oh I dunno, maybe ever? I liked it a LOT. (less)
Easy read...
...made me think about how the people who actually lived with/in the time of Jesus saw/understood him. The Jews lived in a time of w...moreEasy read...
...made me think about how the people who actually lived with/in the time of Jesus saw/understood him. The Jews lived in a time of war/captivity/tough economic times/even terrorists (sound familiar?). They looked for a deliverer, but of war. Of their situation. Most thougth that is what Jesus came to do, to be their political King. Jesus came to deliver them from sin, from themselves, our greatest enemy. Few understand that. Made me think of what we want of Jesus today, in the circumstances we find ourselves in now. And what the Spirit of Christmas means to me. Who was Jesus to these people? Who is He to me?(less)
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