BEFORE READING: On my review of Devoted, the second book of the series, I made a prediction about the last book of the trilogy. (view spoiler)[I think I...moreBEFORE READING: On my review of Devoted, the second book of the series, I made a prediction about the last book of the trilogy. (view spoiler)[I think I can actually predict what's going to happen next!! Rayna falls in love with Sage with Nico's body and wants him to herself!! Clea realizes that Rayna is a bitchy-whore and wants to destroy her. Also, she's going to find a cure to Sage's problem and the only way to solve it is to kill Nico's body. But Rayna wants Nico! So, she becomes an immortal just like Sage so she could be invincible. Oh, and she wants Clea dead. But at the end, Rayna gets killed by Clea and Sage's soul will reside in Ben's body so the whole love triangle thing is over and then they live happily ever after. THE. FUCKING. END. (hide spoiler)]
Now, let's see if I'm going to be wrong or not. And please don't spoil it for me. I want to see for myself.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
**spoiler alert** You know what? I feel like I'm going to explode any time soon if I keep reading this series. I'm assuring myself that I only have two...more**spoiler alert** You know what? I feel like I'm going to explode any time soon if I keep reading this series. I'm assuring myself that I only have two books--TWO!--to finish. I keep waiting for the series to get at least a little better, but I get the opposite. Really opposite.
Okay, the book starts where it left off: With the house on fire. Hiro and Heaven just stand there while Cheryl, Heaven's friend, is stuck in there. They see Cheryl's figure and leave. NO. FUCKS. WERE. GIVEN. AT ALL. The next thing they do is to go to Las Vegas. Their insensitivity really pissed me off here. Heaven's friend MIGHT have died and they don't give a damn. Fuck this. Then, Hiro leaves Heaven alone in Las Vegas because of his conflicting feelings with Heaven. He won't say it, but, he's in love with her. Even though he is dating Karen, the newly clingy bitch. Cue to Heaven wondering why the hell Hiro left her and obsess over him for the rest of the book. In order to find somewhere to stay, Heaven has to find Katie, her American friend, the inferior dancer unlike her (She really did say that). While searching for her, she encounters Daphne a very nice call-girl. After Heaven found out what she was, she thought she was a hooker despite the obvious difference between the two terms. Then again, I always thought Heaven was an idiot. So, she finds Katie (Whom by the way, looks like a forty year old housewife trying way too hard to look young) and spend the middle of the book drinking and flirting with boys (With her still thinking about Hiro. Sigh.) Then, Heaven encounters Teddy, her ex(?)-fiancee. After some convincing, she goes with him, and rekindled their relationship (But, Heaven is only using him to get to Hiro.) Some ninja attacks later, they go find Hiro and go to Mexico to get some tickets from Teddy's friends. Meanwhile, Hiro and Karen break up because of her jealousy towards Heaven. Yaay? Heaven and Hiro find each other while treating Teddy as a chauffeur (Man, I really felt bad for Teddy for once), they get captured by Teddy's friends, Hiro and Heven FINALLY confess their feeling for each other (It was revealed they fell in love at the same time and they made out for 20 minutes. So predictable), and another irritating cliffhanger. THE. FUCKING. END.
Seriously, the story was going nowhere! Okay, it was more action-packed than the last books, but it didn't make the story compelling.
And the writing got worse. The sentences repeat themselves, the character description got lazier and bundled. There was actually a part where a guy was described as having "tall, brown hair" when it was obvious that it was meant to be "tall with brown hair". UGH.
And let's not forget the most annoying thing of them all: Heaven. We are in book 4 and she still hasn't changed. She's still the irritating, self-centered, idiotic, wimpy little Mary Sue from Book 2 (In Book 1 she was actually pretty decent). She always finds a way to be superior to others (Said that Katie was an inferior dancer unlike like her the better dancer and dreamed of having a better and bigger engagement ring than J'Lo's) and uses people for selfish reasons (If it's about Hiro, the better manipulation). She considers herself not so attractive even though numerous men had find her sexy. And by numerous, I include the villains. Yes, even the villains want to bone her. Villain of the day, Pablo, actually captured Heaven because he wanted "a piece of that heaven". GAG. ME. And since Heaven considers herself not so attractive, I find it infuriating that the drawings of her friends are so unfavorable (Cheryl looked like a Grease Pink Girl reject and Katie looked like a old housewife) despite the descriptions saying that they're pretty, making Heaven the prettiest of them all. And if I have to hear that crappy pick-up line ("You're name is Heaven? Well, you are heavenly,") one more time . . . IT GOT OLD ALREADY JUST LIKE HEAVEN'S OBSESSION WITH HIRO. PLEASE STOP. And if I have to read a character telling that Heaven is "brave" despite the contrary one more time, I'm going to--
Okay, enough is enough. I don't want a permanent vein on my forehead. *sighs* Here's hoping that the last two books redeem the series. Hooray. (less)
**spoiler alert** NOTE: Apparently, some people weren't able to view the review correctly (the .gifs). If the problem still persists, please let me kn...more**spoiler alert** NOTE: Apparently, some people weren't able to view the review correctly (the .gifs). If the problem still persists, please let me know.
WARNING: This review includes content that is not appropriate for those sensible to sexual situations. Read it at your own risk.
FUCK THIS BOOK AND THE PAPER THAT WAS MADE WITH!! Okay, I didn't mean that literally. Ew.
Okay, what's with the trend of pulling fanfiction, publishing it, and pass it off as something original? First Cassandra Clare, then E.L. James and suddenly, an explosion of mindless knockoffs attack the publishing industry with their literary-herpes infection. IT. JUST. WON'T. GO. AWAY. Just like herpes, there's no cure but it is treatable. Unfortunately, no one wants to do anything about that. So it will keep spreading and spreading until it completely dominates the publishing industry and aspiring writers with ORIGINAL fiction will be rejected and be kicked off to the streets. The simple thought of that sickens me. (view spoiler)[By the way, that could be made into a great dystopian novel! (hide spoiler)]
Beautiful Bastard was originally a fanfic called The Office by tby789. It was perhaps the most famous (Not as famous as Wide Awake, though) Twilight fanfic on the Internet. According to the front (this thing isn't even trying to hide that it was plagiarized!), the fanfic was view 2 million times. That's actually very impressive. And then, the writers became money-hungry and PUBLISHED this with changed names. I haven't read the fanfic yet, but apparently nothing much was altered to publish. Fucking plagiarism.
The story is about Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen--Oops, my bad!--Chloe Mills and Bennett Ryan. Chloe works as an intern for Ryan, one of the most successful businessman. And here's the catch: He is a bastard. A beautiful bastard. UGH. The book starts with Chloe complaining (and at the same time fawning over) about Bennett's assholeness. But, OMG! He is hot! Like it matters! Bennett then calls Chloe to his office and HE PULLS HER ON HIM AND THEN THEY RIP EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES!! ON THE VERY FIRST CHAPTER!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? If the story could have ended right there, the story would have made more sense. Unfortunately, it was extended WAAAY too much and the plot became repetitive and boring. Emphasis on BORING. But, more on that later.
I got to admit, the sex scenes were better written that FSoG, but they were still worth a few eye-rolls. Their dialogue is just so . . . I don't know. They said the most cliched things in a sex scene. Or if they are not cliched, then they are just way over the top. That actually reminds me of a Harry Potter fanfic I once read last year where Harry goes to Hermione's room to confess his love to her, and she kisses him passionately once he gets there. The kicker was that Hermione kept screaming: "TAKE MY VIRGINITY, HARRY!" Now that's over the top and ridiculous. Talking about over the top and ridiculous, here's an example from Beautiful Bastard:
"My nipples hardened, and I clenched my jaw in response. Traitor nipples.
Did that make you wet? Did that make your temperature rise and your body orgasm into submission? No? Told you so. Oh, but there's more:
He growled, fingers tightening. It occurred to me I might bruise, and for a sick moment I hoped I did.
I'll just leave it there and make of that what you will.
After the sex, we get into Bennett's head. Asshole isn't even a strong enough word to describe him. He's fucked up in every single way. First, I'm going to show you some of his fuckery:
"Say it. You want to come, Miss Mills? Answer me or I'll stop and make you suck me off instead."
I'm still trying wonder how is this sexy.
Brain: a mess. Dick: Hard. Well, hard again.
He's such a dog in heat.
One of my recurring fantasies was of taking all the damned pins out of her hair before I grabbed a handful and fucked her. God, she pissed me off.
He is so dreamy, y'all.
"I want you to watch. And tomorrow when you're sore, I want you to remember who did it to you."
I didn't know Christian Grey was a guest star.
So here were the facts: I felt possessive of her. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in "hit over the head, drag her off by the hair, and fuck her" way.
At least you're honest. It doesn't change the fact you're a piece of shit.
Joe, who was basically a good guy, but who wanted to take her away from me. The image was enough to make me push into her more forcefully.
Because Chloe is your property and she deserves to be punished over something that isn't your business. Right.
And here's probably the worst of all:
Music was being piped through overhead speakers, and I was glad I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my voice down as I strangled her.
In context or not, this is not okay at all.
Her strangled sound made me smile,
He is a control-freak, annoying, and a fucking pig. Bennett actually blames Chloe for not being able to keep his dick in his pants. HE BLAMES HER FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. If that doesn't scream unfortunate implications, then I don't know what does. In fact, Bennett called Chloe a "tease" because she happened to wear a dress he liked. Only because it made her look virginal.
The white dress was the bane of existence, my heaven and hell wrapped in one delicious package.
Dude, is just a dress. If you want it so badly, then why don't you just wear it? Huh. That could have been a very interesting twist. Heh, heh, heh. And did I mention he blames her for his dog in heat tendencies?
She did this to torment me, she had to.
Because all she ever wants to do to you is to incite you. Uh-huh.
"I have the power? You're the one who pressed into my dick in the elevator. You're the one doing this to me."
Actually, YOU were the one who got on top of her! Apparently, it is never your fault!!
"You know, I think you wear those things to tease me."
Because Chloe NEVER dresses for herself. If she wants to look good one day, it's because she wants to incite you.
This one really pissed me off.
"You make me feel cocky. It's the way you react that makes me feel like a fucking god."
You want to know what the BEST part about him is? Do you? Are you sure? Okay, Bennett fantasizes about . . . wait for it . . . watching Chloe sleep. Huh? HUH?
And this is proof that the authors didn't altered their fanfic that much.
Well, now I told you anything you needed to know about Bennett Ryan, I think I'm done now.
Oh, my! How could I ever forget Bennett's obsession with panties? After every sex scene, Bennett rips Chloe's panties off and he keeps them in a case. HE KEEPS THEM FOR SOME REASON! It is never explained why he loves ripped panties but I'm going to bet that he does it to smell where her pussy has been. Either way, it's insanely weird.
And what do I think about Chloe? I actually don't hate Chloe, but I do think she has the worst taste in men. Sometimes she is an idiot. Besides that, she's average. Meh.
That got your attention? Good. Beautiful Bastard has a lot of sex. A lot. The protagonists have angry sex in every single chapter. I don't mind sex. Specially the angry, kinky ones. Nice. But, you know what I do mind? Character development and chemistry. Bennett and Chloe have none of that. The only thing they do is argue,have SEXSEXSEXSEX, insult each other and keep panties in a case. Rinse and repeat. Ah, you did it again, insta-lust. And we are supposed to believe that they end up falling in love. That's so laughable. Here's what Chloe and Bennett did for the entire novel (view spoiler)[
Like I said before, I don't mind the sex. That doesn't mean that I want to read about bland protagonists who have nothing in common. This is pretty much Beautiful Bastard in a nutshell:
Okay, then they have this useless drama. Bennett treats her like crap behind her back, she got mad, she quit, got another job, two months pass (they fell in love in one month), they miss each other, they get back together. THE. FUCKING. END.
I wasted a month of my life trying to finish this plotless, repetitive, boring piece of crap. I think this beats The Host as the most boring book I'd ever read. Congratulations.
It started funny, then it went downhill at the 35% mark. I hate it when I have to force myself to finish a book. UGH. I hate plagiarism, I hate that being ordered around is considered sexy, and I hate lack of plots! By the way, here's a life lesson that Beautiful Bastard taught: Sleeping on top of a bed signifies love unlike other places. The End.
I am so glad I am fucking done.
**spoiler alert** My patience for Heaven has expired. Indefinitely. Gosh, this is probably the worst book in the series so far. I just hated it so much....more**spoiler alert** My patience for Heaven has expired. Indefinitely. Gosh, this is probably the worst book in the series so far. I just hated it so much.
Okay, at the beginning Heaven and Cheryl are partying in a club, Heaven gets a job as a shot girl, and they get almost get mugged by noobs. NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN.
Nothing really happens from there, unless you count Heaven's jealousy over Hiro's girlfriend, Karen. We get it already! Stop whining!!
"BUT IT ISN'T FAIR THAT HIRO IS WITH KAREN!! HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME!! I'M HIS ONE TRUE LOVE!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!"
And then Karen's character changed dramatically. Yes, I know she was kidnapped by accident in the last book, but at the beginning of this book, she was only slightly nervous and scared. Right at the middle, she becomes a needy, dependent, desperate woman. It's to sad to see a character changed without explanation so the reader can root for the annoying main character. Unfortunately, it worked. I was sick and tired of Karen's immature behavior.
"WHY DOES HIRO SPEND TIME WITH HEAVEN! THAT BITCH GOT ME KIDNAPPED!! HIRO BELONGS TO ME NOT HEAVEN, SO I WILL TELL HEAVEN LIES THAT I'M MOVING IN WITH HIM! IT ISN'T FAIR!! NOTHING IS FAIR! THEY GET TO TALK TO EACH OTHER, AND THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT HE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! I HATE HER!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!
I used the same .gif twice. Got a problem with that?
There's also some drama with Cheryl dating this obviously-evil guy named Marcus. Marcus is a thug. Cheryl doesn't care and gets into a fight with Heaven because, you know, "Butt off! It's not your business, Heaven!" UGH.
In case you didn't get it, I hate Heaven. She's an irritating, whiny, self-centered, doormat Mary Sue. EVERY man finds Heaven attractive. Even Marcus finds her attractive. Really. She's also considered "vivacious" by her mother. Ugh. And if I have to hear "Your name is Heaven? Well, you're heavenly" one more time I swear I'm going to burst into a non-ending anger! Did I mentioned she was self-centered? Well, check this out. When a guy in the club saw something that surprised him, he exclaimed "Christ". Heaven has the guts to say, "No, my name is Heaven."
UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!! She also doesn't care about the consequences. She gets drunk and almost has sex with a stranger. At least I thought they were going to. She has no sense of responsibility. Hiro tries to reason with her, but whines and she complaints like a two-year-old because "IT IS SO UNFAIR!" And she has no backbone! I wasn't expecting a heroine who has clever comebacks, but Heaven lets EVERYONE insult her because "she has nothing else to do". My head hurts.
Everything was turning "swimmingly", until Marcus turned out to be a bad guy. I'm so surprised. Marcus kidnaps Cheryl to God-knows-where and lures Heaven into a trap. The action was pretty decent until Heaven was saved by a deus ex machina. (view spoiler)[Hiro. (hide spoiler)] The whole conflict is resolved in 15 pages, right before the last chapter. Yawn.
Okay, here's a note for (future) authors. Just because a protagonist happens to know how to fight with weapons, doesn't automatically make her/him a badass. It takes more complexity to make a badass character. Take a look at Clary from the Mortal Instruments. She "happens" to know how to fight with weapons, but her Mary Sueness doesn't make her believable. It's the same case here. Heaven will always be a bland heroine in my eyes.
AND THAT FUCKING CLIFFHANGER!! I hate when bad books have cliffhangers; they make me way too eager to get this over it than everything else. Goddammit.
Just three more books to go!["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
**spoiler alert** You know what? No. Fuck no! I think rating it 1 star is being extremely generous in this case. What the hell was this? I was warned seve...more**spoiler alert** You know what? No. Fuck no! I think rating it 1 star is being extremely generous in this case. What the hell was this? I was warned several times that this book wasn't good, but, like always, I don't listen. I guess I like torture way too much.
Oh, boy. Mother isn't going to be happy with that fact.
Do I even have to explain why this book was terrible? Yes? Well, I know I'm writing a review, but do I really have to--? YES!! Okay, fine. Let's get this shit started.
Shit, that felt good.
PLOT: T-there was . . . a plot? Are you fucking serious?!! (view spoiler)[Lupin: How did you know about Sirius and I? (hide spoiler)] Saying that this book has a plot is like saying that The Last Airbender wasn't bad!! Here's what I got so far:
Helen lives in Nantucket. Nantucket is boring. She lives with her dad, Jerry. A new clan of vampires people arrived. Everyone loves them. Helen almost kills one of them. His name was Lucas. After trying to kill each other, they date each other. Helen wants to sex him up. He says no. Helen is upset. Helen discovers that the Delos's family are descended from Greek gods and Helen is one too. They go into training. Helen gets more powers. Shit happens. MORE shit happens. Lucas and Helen can't be together because the Houses have to be separated. Groan. More groan. Daphne, Helen's mother, reappears. Daphne tells them that they're first cousins. "You know what? This is gross. Incest, yuck!"
THE. FUCKING. END.
The whole story was predictable and dragged on way too long. This book is almost 500 pages long, people! And nothing ever happens in there!! UUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH. I saw the plot twists coming and I was never impressed. Not. A. Bit.
WRITING: Oh fuck, are you serious? The writing skills were amateurish at best! SHOW, DON'T TELL!! SHOOOWW, DAMMIT!! IT'S NOT SO HARD!! Basically, the sentences were too simple and its love for info-dumping was too extreme. And let's not forget its attempt at similes and metaphors. Oh, boy.
but her insides felt gooey and soft, as if she were a freshly microwaved chocolate chip cookie.
Helen ripped into the bread like a medieval glutton with low blood sugar.
JUST LOOK AT THEM!! And the dialogue? Trying too hard. What teenager says "What the holy grenade"? TELL ME!! After several bad paragraphs (Which were a LOT), my head started to hurt and I was craving aspirins. ASPIRINS!! I HATE ASPIRINS!! And a drink. I'M UNDERAGE!! Even my eyes wanted to bleed because the writing was too painful. And did I mentioned the info-dumping? Angelini tried to stuffed all the Greek histories in short paragraphs, and guess what? I learned nothing.
If you want to expand some Greek knowledge, this is not the right book. Apparently you have to learn the ENTIRE story before reading this. GAH. But, this is nothing compared to--
THE CHARACTERS: The main character is Helen Hamilton, the most beautiful girl in Nantucket. You know, kind of like Helen of Troy. Very subtle. Apparently, she's so SHY and AWKWARD and doesn't realize how beautiful she is. And she's clumsy. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL. And she's also a brainiac! Helen was made specifically to make the reader feel sympathy for her. Girls hate her because she's beautiful and every guy pays attention to her. The guys even call her Heaven Hamilton. No kidding. If you hate her, you're just jealous. And she has really super KEWL powers and gets stronger each chapter. She's the most powerful demi-god there was and nothing can kill her!! In other words, she's a Mary Sue. And an idiot. Oh, yes she is. And before she met Lucas, she's never have a boyfriend or been kissed. Because if she's not "pure", readers will think she's a whore that needs to die. Right. And even though she has super KEWL powers, she doesn't use them. You know why? "Because killing enemies is so mean". She is so damn useless. Why give her superpowers if she's not going to use them? She lets other people save her ass! I. DON'T. GET. IT. Useless, useless, useless! She is the definitely the worst YA heroine I've ever encountered. Sorry Bella Swan. And she's part of a prophecy where she will save the world. Yikes.
Next we have Lucas Delos. He is so hot and every girl falls for him. Because he is so hot. And he has swimming-pool blue eyes. That's so creative. When he first met Helen, he wanted to kill her. And then they fall in love with each other. They can't live without each other! Co-Dependency for the win!! I didn't like him. At all. He orders Helen around (Even the quotations are marked as "he ordered") and gets horribly jealous when she talks to other people.
"Is Zach after you?" Lucas asked with wide eyes. "Oh, not really. He wants to talk to me about something, I think," Helen said as if it wasn't important. She shut her mouth before she could say too much. "Yeah, I'll bet," Lucas said with a sneer, his blue eyes turning nearly black as he sensed her untruth. Is there any reason for Zach to think that you might be single?" "Are you trying to make me jealous or are you just so frustrated that you're already looking for someone else? Someone who would give in to you?"
And this is before they were dating!! Basically, Lucas kept saying no to Helen, but is is suddenly a tragedy if Helen wants to be with somebody else. FUCK THAT. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE??! And he threatened to rape her at one point. Only because she wore a certain type of pajama.
"I only have so much willpower, Helen. And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid."
Translation: "If I force myself in you it will be your fault because you tempted me with your transparent nightgown." This behavior is not okay. Being in a relationship is supposed to feel safe. When your boyfriend is threatening to rape you, you BREAK UP WITH HIM. What will happen then when you're completely alone? Hmm? Nobody deserves to feel used in a relationship. And he likes to panic Helen on purpose! Look!
"You're pretty cute when you panic," he said with a huge smile.
Because it is so cute when guys make you fear for your life for their enjoyment. In other words, Lucas attitude toward Helen is like this: "I know we can't be together, but I'm still going to order you around. Now go to sleep, you inexperienced woman." I can't. And if Helen dares to lose her virginity to another guy, Lucas will kill that guy! Ah, true love. Oh, and here's the kicker: He watches Helen sleep. Can writers please get it through their heads that stalking isn't romantic? Look, just because Twilight did it, it doesn't mean that people will find that attractive. And if they do, they have serious problems. Is this the guy women really want? An arrogant, creepy, abusive love interest with the excuse of having good looks? *checks the best-selling list* But of course they do. And apparently he switches places with Hector to watch her.
The Delos family: Let's just say that they're kind of like the Cullen clan.
Minor characters: Claire, Helen's best friend, who always tries to prove that she is right so (view spoiler)[she pushed and stabbed Helen just to see if she had powers. (hide spoiler)]; Matt, Helen's other best friend; Zach, guy that suspects that Helen is hiding something; and Gretchen, the girl that ruined Helen's reputation because she accidentally pushed the bathroom door while she was in it by accident. And she still hasn't get over it after 7 years.
We have the most fascinating and complex characters in the history of literature right here! Sigh.
VILLAINS: Just pathetic. We have Creon who pretty does nothing until the end. He spends the majority of the novel staying in Spain, longing for Helen. That's right. He lusts after Helen, too. That's not cliched at all! And he says crap like:
A lady never cheapened herself by using foul language
He had sworn to remove the feminine evil from the cestus from the world so that all men, Scions and normals alike, could finally control their lust.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, A THOUSAND TIMES FUCK YOU!!! How can people still have this primitive mindset about women? And a WOMAN wrote this! A WOMAN! How can we still think that women are to blame for men's actions? How can we still degrade women by the way the talk, dress, or act? This is disgusting and unacceptable. I know the villain said that, but it is perfectly clear by the way it is written that this message is being preached. I'll talk about the message later. Then, we have Daphne Atreus, Helen's mother. Short story short, she abandoned Helen when she was a baby and cursed her. And then she suddenly appears in her life just to lie to her and Lucas that they're cousins. How pathetic is that? She was a really annoying villain and I wanted her to disappear. Then, those two (view spoiler)[kill Pandora (hide spoiler)] and Hector (view spoiler)[kills Creon, making him an Outcast (hide spoiler)]. I hope Daphne gets her turn.
WHAT STARCROSSEDPREACHED TAUGHT US (WARNING: I don't mean to offend anyone with this. I'm just mocking the book's message.): Hey girls! Did you know that if two boys fight over you, it is all your fault and deserve to be hated if those two get in trouble? Silly girl, didn't you know that men are never responsible for their own actions? And if you try to fight back, you're wasting your time. You're a woman, you always want drama in your life. If you're beautiful, girls will hate you because us girls are jealous harpies that want all the attention to ourselves. And you know what? Let's all make fun of domestic abuse!
Ha ha, look at her! She obviously liked being beaten up! Can't you see how much she enjoyed it? You know what? Since it is so funny, let's all pretend to be in an abusive relationship to justify your bruises to your parents! That will be a very funny family reunion.
I'll just tell him [Jerry] you abuse me," Helen said with a shrug. "And I'll tell him you like it," he teased back.
And you want to fight? *dope slap* Silly woman! Don't you realize that men do all the fighting and you're supposed to stay in the kitchen? If you want to fight, do it to stay in shape! You're supposed to be feminine and round! No men likes a strong woman!
Everything about Ariadne was so feminine and round and lovely that Helen simply couldn't imagine anyone hitting her. "Do you guys do this to each other often? The fighting, I mean." Ariadne was shaking her head before Helen had even finished talking. "No. We spar together to stay in shape, but only the boys really fight, and only when they need to get something off their chests."
Your boyfriend orders you around? He's doing it for your own good and he loves you! That means he really cares about you! Don't worry if he tries to rape you. He's your boyfriend and you're suppose to do what he says! Besides, it's not rape if you like it. And please don't curse! You're a lady, not a tomboy! Being watched while asleep is so romantic. Never questioned it. He's doing it for your own good. And if a guy rapes you, it is all your fault. Why can't you be more careful with your clothes? Look at your skirt! No wonder their penises couldn't contain themselves. *dope slap* Silly woman. And oh my goodness! The guy you liked is gay? You know there's a solution for that, right? It's called getting a sex change.
She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.
You may live happily ever after. And EW! You're trying to have a life outside your relationship? Why do you hate him so much? You're supposed to depend on your boyfriend! That's real love, you silly woman! You're not supposed to have a mind of your own, your boyfriend IS your mind. And OMG what are you doing? Are you trying to have sex? BOO! YOU WHORE! You're supposed to lose your virginity to your husband and no one else. Wait, you love that guy? Screw you, silly woman! You deserved to be left behind when he's done with you! Don't you realize that men don't want a woman who has been deflowered? That's right, ladies. Your virginity is all you have. Without it, you're a big whore who deserves to die a painful death.
PLOT TWIST: It's all a lie. Helen and Lucas believe that they're cousins and they suddenly stop loving each other. Huh. I guess the thrill is gone. It is legal to marry your cousin in some states. Problem solved! Oh yeah, I forgot. Fucking your cousin is disgusting. The stupid thing is, they're not related at all! This conflict is utterly useless. UUUUUGH.
ANY POSITIVE QUALITIES? Hector. That is all.
I could go and on, but enough is enough. This book blows. It's shit. Crap. Garbage. IT FREAKING SUCKS. Nothing more than a preachy, sexist book. And it has a sequel! Oh boy, what did I do? *sighs* I have to continue. I think I'm going to throw up.
Every time I see the cover, I have this imaginary rap in my head:
Bitches be like, I'm so fly But the truth is that they're not I'm the baddest bitch, you should never doubt When I shit on these haters while I skyrocket high
Look at me motherfuckers, look at me fly Look at me motherfuckers, with my ass saying bye Don't forget to kiss it and my anus, too Because you know deep down that I want to get kinky with you
Oh, the things my mind does.
That being said, I knew this book was going to be terrible, but I wasn't expecting the terribleness. For a book that is so short and easy to read, it was a living snooze pill, but not as relaxing. Unoriginal doesn't begin to describe it. Rip-off is more like it.
And you have every reason not to. I also can't believe myself either. Here's yet another cheap imitation of Twilight. Sure, it doesn't have vampires and they're in Ireland, but it doesn't mean there's not similarities. Let's start, shall we?
*Heroine starts with moving to another state (in this case, country). *Heroine immediately starts making friends despite being ordinary. *Heroine meets mysterious SUPER HOT boyfriend with green eyes and falls in love with him almost instantly. They have a biology class together. *Love interest does too, but warns her to stay away anyway after he rescued her. *Heroes professed their love for each other and can't live without the other after just a few weeks. *Hero confesses that he had watch her sleep before and that he's paranormal. Heroine doesn't give a fuck. *Hero introduces Heroine to his paranormal. family. He has two brothers with names that start with an A (Who is pixie manic one) and a R (Who doesn't like Heroine). *PLOT TWIST: Heroine has powers too eventually. *Their love is consider destructive and may result with a DEMON SPAWN FROM HELL baby. *Harmless villain captures Heroine. Evil laugh. *Villain gets beat by deus ex machina. Heroine ends up in hospital. *I'LL LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOOUUUUUU FOREVEEEEER!! OOOOOOH YEEEAH, YEAH, YEEEAH!!! FOREVEEEER!!!!
THE. MOTHERFUCKING. END.
Could you guess which book we are talking about? Holy shit, yes! We are talking about Twilight, y'all!
But, wait! This is not Twilight! This is Carrier of the Mark! SO SIMILAR!
I want to tell you the plot, but you already know it. But, I'll tell you this: It's nonexistent! Like Twilight! SHOCKING.
Now, let me tell you about the characters . . .
Megan Rosenberg: Our protagonist, she falls for Adam DeRís, a mysterious boy at first sight. She almost gets assaulted but Adam rescues her. MAKE OUT TIME. She discovers that she's also a paranormal being like Adam's family. She's also a Carrier of the Mark and of royal blood at the same time, which apparently hasn't happened before. And also, there's a possibility that she's part of a prophecy where she's considered the fifth element and the key to save the world. In other words, Mary Sue. GASP! Like Bella Swan! SHOCKING.
Adam Derís: Mysterious boy who saves Megan for assault. Loves Megan ans watches her sleep. Stalker. He's a paranormal being. Looooves making out with Megan. Horny bastard. He's needy and wimpy. They love each other after two weeks of meeting. Codependency for the win. He also has green eyes. GASP! Like Edward Cullen did before he was a vampire! SHOCKING.
Caitlin: Megan's human best friend that has a boyfriend. She always talks about him. He may or may not have cheated on her. They break up. They come back. THE END.
The DeRís family: Paranormal family. I'll tell you what they're in a minute.
Aine DeRís: A pixie cute girl. Has a "sight". Not similar to Alice Cullen. At all.
Rian DeRís: He's mad most of the time and doesn't like Megan. Not similar to Rosalie Hale. At all. Except masculine.
You think this book rips off ONLY Twilight? Think again . . .
The Deris family are element benders. Rian is fire (of course), Aine is earth, Adam is water . . . and Megan happens to be the missing element: Air. Megan is the last airbender, y'all!
It takes the cake that Adam is a water-bender, just like Katara, Aaang's love interest. SUBTLE.
But, wait! There's more!
The mythology: A mind screw. Adam and Megan shouldn't have sex because she will have a 25-year-old pregnancy and that baby will destroy the world. Just like a baby that used to be the Black Plague. Yeah. Do you get it? I didn't.
Writing: Mediocre at best. SHOW, don't TELL, damn it! And juvenile writing. Oh, dear God. Most of the descriptions were: "I made a face", "He made this, he made that" "Pukey"! I know this is YA, but it shouldn't mean that the writing should be atrocious. Damn it.
Conflict: . . . There was a conflict? Really? Oh, I remember! 20 pages before the end, a villain named Lyonis Fleet (Yes, really!) captures Megan. For some reason. Oh, and he has a British accent. So original. Blah, blah, blah, evil laugh, blah blah blah, Adam comes to the rescue! But, oh no! Adam is losing! That makes Megan mad! And then . . .
I suddenly realized that I was up in the air high above them. I appeared to be radiating a bright light. The air around me swirled until Icould no longer see the land. River water started rising up and spinning around me. Next the boats lifted, then some trees, their great roots torn from the earth by the brutal force emanating from me. It was a massive vortex, spreading out farther and farther until the riverbed was visible, the water swirling high above it. The boats and the trees that had been tugged up swirled so fast that their outlines became a blur. I saw the object of my rage running away. He was making for the woods, but I pushed out the great vortex of moving air and debris so that he stayed constantly in my sight. There was no way he could break through its impenetrable wall. “You,” I snarled. My voice was not mine. It was a mixture of howling wind and cracking thunder. “You will pay.” I clasped my hand, as if to pick up his little body far below me on the ground, and he rose right into the air until he was at my level. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he screamed, flailing his legs and trying to shield himself from my glare. “Too late for that.” My voice reverberated around the valley. I saw them waving up at me, but I was beyond caring what they wanted. The power inside engulfed me, took over my very core, and it needed vengeance.
Yeah, that just happened.
Villain is defeated and Megan and Adam are happy.
That's it? All this building up for the Big Bad and it only lasts for one chapter of 10 pages? And gets defeated in the last two by a deus ex machina? A DEUS EX MACHINA! What. A. Ripoff. This is just lazy. The villain came out of nowhere and left out of nowhere. I hope the next villain isn't utterly pathetic in the sequel. IF I read the sequel. Which I will. Damn it.
Megan goes to the hospital, leaves, and CHEESE FOR MEGAN AND ADAM!! THE. FUCKING. END.
Was there at least a positive quality? NONE!! Okay, the setting, but THAT'S. IT. This book sucked monkey's balls and actually gave it a blowjob! That's how much it sucked.
Fallon, you had a promising story and you decided to let Twilight fucked it up its ass and get it pregnant! This is the result, damn it! Why? JUST WHY? You had Ireland and element benders! You only needed a better world-building and characters! Good riddance!
I sure hope Shadow of the Mark doesn't end up being New Moon: The Remix, because then my fury gets higher!
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I warned you.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)