Late Monday night, officials came across the remains of a teenager deep in Woodlake f...moreThe Woodlake Daily
GIRL FOUND DEAD IN FOREST by reporter Demi Luv
Late Monday night, officials came across the remains of a teenager deep in Woodlake forest after the Thantos' (a local family) reported hearing screams. The body was ripped limb from limb, as well as decapitated and with its large internal organs missing (lungs, heart, liver, stomach wall). After an autopsy and a chat with Deputy Sharpe, the cause of death has been declared a wolf attack. It seemed to have happened at approximately 2 am.
Upon further investigation, police discovered the body belonged to seventeen-year-old Avery Hood. It's believed that she had been walking to her family's old house when she was mauled. Her family, which consisted of only her grandmother Renee Hood and boyfriend Benjamin Dusic, said they'd last seen her Sunday night before the incident.
On Friday, I was finally approved to hold an interview with Renee and Benjamin.
Demi Luv (Me): Hello, Renee, and thanks for joining me today for this interview.
Renee: Thanks for having me. I really do need something to get my mind off things...
Demi: [Notes: "Possible future alcoholic/drug user. Will keep eye out."] Okay. My first question is going to be simple: What happened the night you last saw Avery?
Renee: "Well, it was the usual. Avery went to bed around ten, and I was up finishing sketches until about eleven before also going to sleep. She didn't go outside for anything, never left the house once the whole day except to see Ben.
Demi: [Notes: "Co-dependency or domestic abuse? Ask about Ben later."] Do you remember hearing anything that night? Rustling or window creaks or anything?
Renee: Not at all.
Demi: Did Avery have a habit of sneaking out?
Renee: Don't all teenagers? Yes, she'd snuck out a few times, but not to do anything bad. Just to walk to her parents' house. I kept telling her not to, but she wouldn't listen.
Demi: [Notes: "Suspecting Avery Hood of neighborhood vandalism"] Uh-huh. Why would anyone with self-preservation walk out into the woods in the middle of the night? What about wild animals? Rapists? Badly-aimed nocturnal hunters?
Renee: I tried to tell her that. I kept reminding her the woods weren't a safe place for a young woman, and that she should only go to her parents' house when I'm there with her. She didn't listen. She said Ben would be with her, and so she'd be safe.
Demi: Why would Ben be with her at two in the morning?
Renee: Ben's been a little over protective since (view spoiler)[Ron went ballistic and tried to kill us with an ax.
Demi: Whoa, whoa, WHAT?
Renee: Looong story. But basically, he murdered Avery's parents for the land their house was on.
Demi: What the fuck? He fucking slaughtered two innocent people for a stupid piece of land?
Renee:Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't hear about it. (hide spoiler)]
Demi: [Notes: "HOLY FUCK.] So what do you mean by "over-protective"?
Renee: Well, he's always holding her hand, watching where she goes and who she talks to, spending a lot of time at her parent's house. Usual jealous-boyfriend stuff.
Demi: [Notes: "Suspecting Ben Dusic of stalking] Um, Ms. Hood, that's not normal at all. That's actually quite concerning.
Renee: I tried telling her that! I wanted her to stay away from that boy, but she wouldn't listen to me.
Demi: Do you think Ben might have anything to do with Avery's death?
Renee: I don't think so. It's a wolf attack, right? A wolf did it.
Demi: [Notes: Suspicious.]Uh-huh. Well, thanks, Ms. Hood. It's been great talking to you. I need to go interview Ben now.
I definitely cannot ignore the connection between Ben's stalker-like personality and this "wolf" incident. Also, Avery has now been involved in three slaughters in the last ten months. I hoped to get something useful out of Ben.
Demi: Hello, Ben. I've heard many things about you.
Ben: Y-y-you have?
Demi: [Notes: "Why is he so shaky? He's trembling like a puppy in a lightning storm.] Yes, I have. Your girlfriend was murdered *cough* *cough* I mean killed by a pack of wolves. Of course I'd hear things about you.
Ben: Oh. Yeah. Avery.
Demi: [Notes: "There's already tears coming out of his eyes and I haven't even said anything too gruesome. Je-ez."] How did you and Avery meet?
Ben: In the woods at night.
Demi: In the dark forest? How could you even see? [Notes: "More important question: What the hell were you both doing in the forest in the middle of the night? How did this stem into a relationship?"]
Ben: I... have special eyes.
Demi: They look normal to me.
Ben: That's because only certain people can see it.... Avery could.
Demi: [Notes: "Worse than stalker---possibly insane."] Yeah, okay. How long did you know Avery before you became a couple? I know you only just moved to Woodlake a little while ago.
Ben: Well, the first time I saw her was in school, but we didn't really talk. But then I saw her in the forest later than night, and I told her to leave because it wasn't safe, but she didn't listen. Then the second time, I was searching through her house because I thought I smelled someone in there, and---
Demi: Hold up. You thought you smelled someone? [Notes: "Getting weirder and weirder by the minute. Unless the dude he smelled was wearing Axe. That shit can drown you in a single spray.]
Ben: I mean, I mean, I saw something. Yeah, I s-saw something and I went to check it out. Please stop writing in that notepad.
Demi: [Notes: "He smells people, I smell guilt. He also looks kind of pissed that I'm writing down everything he says."] No. Now continue what you were saying before?
Ben: Sh-sure. I was in her parents' house trying to find out who was there---maybe I'd find a clue to her parents' murder. But then Avery caught me in there. But instead of calling the police, we made out. Got to second base.
Demi: [Notes: "Second base? The fuck? He said that was only the second time they really talked. And why didn't she call the police? Some boy was in her house! No wonder she was dismembered; she was probably trying to pet the damn wolves."] Really. Why did you stop?
Ben: She... well, she ran away. Screaming.
Demi: Why?
Ben: .....
Demi: Ben, why'd she run away screaming? I promise I won't write this part down if you don't want me to. [Notes: "Never trust a reporter. I'm going to write down every word that comes out of his mouth."]
Ben: I... I... When I get aroused... I turn into a wolf.
Demi: [Notes: "I just spewed my pink lemonade in shock. Did he seriously just say that?"] You're telling me that boners make you turn into a wolf.
Demi: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAA! Don't worry, I'm sure someday you'll find a zoophilic woman who'll find that sexy.
Ben: You believe me?
Demi: Please, you novice. I have seen enough to know that anything is possible. Plus, the mental image I got was fucking hilarious. [Notes: "Little does he know I'm calculating his every shaky movement, every hesitance, every shift of his eyes. And he just gave away a very helpful secret."]
Ben: But Avery got over it eventually and we fell in love.
Demi: She wasn't afraid of getting wolf cooties?
Ben: Never.
Demi: Uh-huh. And one last question: What were you and Avery doing the night she was "killed by wolves?
Ben: Well...
Demi: I won't tell Renee.
Ben: Homerun.
Demi: [Notes: "He really is a fucking idiot."] O rlly, you don't say. Well, it was nice talking to you, Ben. You might want to get that horny wolf syndrome checked out by a doctor. Bye.
So, now it's Saturday, and I have told the police everything. They don't believe what Ben is saying is true. The good part is, they do believe he's temperamental and delusional, so they still are taking him under arrest. Unfortunately, Avery is still dead. This is just another reason why you should never date a werewolf.
By the way, the scene where they go to second base is on page 81. Need I say how much ridiculous insta-love is in this book? (less)
I seriously have no idea what to rate this. The first three quarters of the book were terrible. As in, if it weren't for my determination, I would hav...moreI seriously have no idea what to rate this. The first three quarters of the book were terrible. As in, if it weren't for my determination, I would have thrown this book at a wall and backed away slowly as if it were a large python. Or a Justin Bieber CD. Either way I hated it.
Then, on page, like, 320, it finally became interesting. She actually got a personality. I had to go through three hundred friggin pages just for her to get out of her own little world. And her "little world" is so disgustingly monotone it was like she was at a reformatory instead of a boarding school.
The last 160 pages were awesome, though! I mean like, it was the best murder mystery ever. Dante was getting cheesier by the minute but besides that it was great. There was suspense, surprise twists, not-so-surprising twists, and my personal favorite: violence!
Oh, and I have something to say about Dante and Renee's relationship: SLOW THE HELL DOWN! It's like, two weeks into their relationship and she's already thinking about eloping. She does realize she's sixteen, right? I swear to God, I got this directly from the book:
"I tried to imagine what it was he wanted to say to me. He'd profess his undying love. Renee, he would say, I love you. Run away with me. We'll go north into the wilderness and live desperately, dangerously. And I would say yes."
See, I get that a lot of teenagers think about getting married one day and falling in love and stuff, but really, "We'll go north into the wilderness and live desperately"? It's a little much.
Dante was a wannabe Edward Cullen. Think about it: Immortal, beautiful, cheesy pickup lines, I-can't-live-without-you-even-though-I-just-met-you-yesterday disease, fancy name, bilingual---I mean, REALLY?!
Not sure how that picture pertains to this review, but I love it anyway. Alucard is supreme.
You know, why do all male protaginists have to have special names? Edward, Dante, Varen, Lucius, Vincent, etc... I can think of tons. Why can't there be a dark mysterious boy named, like... Chad, or something?
There. That will be my goal in life. To write a novel with the most ominous character named Chad.
The only characters I really liked in this book were Dustin and Nathaniel. Just because I felt bad for them, and so they automatically gained a spot on my list. Otherwise, Eleanor was boring, Renee was tedious, Dante was melodramatic, blah blah blah.
(I'm going to see how many obnoxiously annoying nicknames I can make out of 'Michele' in the duration of this review.)
I have no idea what to think.
Wh...more(I'm going to see how many obnoxiously annoying nicknames I can make out of 'Michele' in the duration of this review.)
I have no idea what to think.
While I can't say that I really enjoyed reading this book, I can't really find any faults with it, either. The writing was good, not very repetitive. The cover is gorgeous (though that's not how I imagined Michele at all). And the plot, besides the fact that a large portion of it came right out of Dead Beautiful was fairly unique.
However.
I am annoyed with two things:
1. The plot structure
2. The characters
Most of you who listen to me rant and rave on my statuses everyday (seriously, how do you put up with me? If I were you, I would have deleted me by now) know that my main priority in anything is the characters. There could be a perfect, exciting, complex storyline to your book, the most vivid settings imaginable, and all that other fancyshamncy chiz, but if your characters are cardboard cut outs, then I just automatically lose interest. Sooner or later that poor excuse for cardboard will probably end up making some dumbass decision that makes me want to slam my face into my wall hard enough that it never comes out.
After all, it happens every frikkin time. And this book was not an exception.
Michele was pretty monotone. There was barely any sarcasm or humor to her narration, and I found myself really bored with her. Also, her speech is annoying as hell. "Hey girl!" "I totally dig that genre!" and "Omigod!" are only a few of her special phrases that made me groan. Seriously. I don't know if the author was trying to make Mickyshayshay sound more like a teenage girl or what, (and if she was, she failed, because I have never heard anyone use the wording "totally dig" besides Shaggy) but it just didn't work.
I tried to come up with a few adjectives or traits to describe Mish (I like to do that when I feel a character has no life, cause it feels like they have more of a personality if I write everything down) and couldn't come up with anything other than "dull" and "easily persuaded." She had no stable basis of decisions (for example, helping when she can one minute, being totally selfish the next for no reason whatsoever), she didn't develop much armor after her mother died, she had no certain tastes---Mishasha was just all over the place! Maybe I wouldn't have minded as much if Michele was supposed to act as an audience towards what was going on in the background with other people, but no. She was heavily involved with everything, and therefor the lack of individuality became painfully clear.
Here's a tip: If you have no clue who your character is or what they're like, instead of winging it, try answering some sort of characterization writing tool or something. That way, you can at least get some idea of who this person really is! It can also prevent a lot of writers' blocks if your character is defined enough that they make decisions on their own.
Philip was rather plain, and the author didn't give much of an identity to him, either. All we know is that he loves music, has a strict family, and has sapphire eyes. (Ugh, she would not shut up about his eyes!) And then, when Michi-chan finally does meet mystery dude, it's instantly "I remember you!" "OMG No way! I know you too!" "I love you!" "Yay!" No time for her to really get to know him at all. She just automatically loved him because he was in her dreams.
If we all fell in love with the people we see in our dreams, the world would be chaos. Remember that dream you had the other night of you pushing your boss down a well? Remember that nightmare a few years ago about Ronald McDonald coming at you with a knife? Remember that night terror last night about Samara crawling out of your TV?
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MEET YOUR NEW SOUL MATE.
And then there was Caissie. Oh Caissie. I hate you. Michele's total lack of individuality has rendered her useless against your opinion. So when you give stupid dumbass advice, next time, make sure it won't potentially ruin your friend's relationship.
How is Michy that easily persuaded? Clara tells her that her clothes are ugly so she changes her wardrobe and dresses up to appease her. Caissie tells her to stop seeing the love of her life and she listens. The social worker tells her to live with her grandparents(that she hates), and she accepts, no argument or anything.
I honestly don't know how Michella Cinderella ever made it through middle school. She is so damn easy to talk into doing and not doing crap. It's like, how is she not dead? One of the most infamous grade school games ever is Truth or Dare, and you can get stuck doing some awful shit (even when you're not allowing any perverted dares). My friends have dared me to lick the wall (I didn't), play in the street (I did), and get kissed on the nose by their little brother (I was freaking clawing my way out of the room but they had my ankles so I didn't get very far). Hell, if she ever got dared to do half the things most kids get dared to do, she'd be dead. "You want me to eat a dead bird? I DON'T WANNA!!!!!!.....okay fine."
Have fun when they dare you to mix mentos and diet coke, Shelly.
The problem I have with the plot structure is that there's really no climax. It's just Shell-Shell going back in time and shit. Not much else. She doesn't meet Napoleon, doesn't lead the Native Americans to safety, doesn't accidentally cause the apocalypse or anything. Nope. No epic climax. Just going back to the 20's to see her boyfriend and help her grandmother with crap.
Okay, so maybe I can think of a few flaws. But I'm a pessimist. It's what I do.
I think this book would be alright for someone else. Someone who can excuse character flaws and doesn't want a fast moving or action-packed book.
Basically, someone who isn't me.
My favorite nickname out of those was Mickyshayshay. Sounds like something off of Jersey Shore.(less)
My Overall Reaction to This Flaming Piece of Garbage
What the Fuck Were You Thinking?! Kinky Edition to come at some point when I'm not as in shock.
B...moreMy Overall Reaction to This Flaming Piece of Garbage
What the Fuck Were You Thinking?! Kinky Edition to come at some point when I'm not as in shock.
Before Reading
Hello, my lovely minions! So, in a sudden burst of daredevilish inspiration, I have decided to take up the challenge that is Fifty Shades of Grey. *cue dramatic horror music* Yes, yes, I do realize that this idea is insane and utterly masochistic. (See what I did thair? Ya see it? Ahm a genius, yes ah am.) Fret not, for I have slightly irrational and illogical reasoning to back up my decision.
It'll be an interesting challenge, considering how very rarely I ever read or even touch erotica books after a rather pathetic incident that occurred when I was 10. From what I've heard and the scenes/quotes that I have read so far, I am 97% certain I will loathe this book. And I know I'm very big on not judging a story before I read it, but I have the strongest negative prediction about this book, especially the characters. Here's what I think will happen:
ANNA: I'm a totally average girl with absolutely no identifiable qualities other than fatal clumsiness and perpetual lip biting!
CHRISTIAN: I'm an asshole but I have a tragic past so you should all pity me as I domestically abuse and possess my girlfriend against her better judgement!
ANNA'S INNER GODDESS: Shackles and hand cuffs and whips, oh my! Menstrual cycles be damned!
ANNA'S CONSCIENCE: No, no, no. This is all wrong. What, what, what are you doing? Look at your life. Look at your choices. You stupid bitch.
Now if only Fifty Shades was as cool as Sassy Gay Friend. Then it would be much more entertaining.
I'm also well aware that this book is a published Twilight fanfiction. This is what really sealed the deal between this monstrosity and my to-read list. After going through an obsessive Twihard faze in my tenth year, I know that series frontwards, backwards, and inside-out. (Edward is 6'2". Alice's niece lives in Biloxi, Mississippi. Jacob has two sisters named Rebecca and Rachel---one is married the other is at college.) So who better (besides the author) to find similarities between the two books than the crazed fangirl herself?
Kiss the bride, stomp the bottle, throw the flowers. I'm reading this baby.
Demonic Circus Princess
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