meh, opening is ~facepalm/eyeroll~ as much for the "oh, been fantasizing over colored contacts and a wig for a few months huh?" as "hi lets fuck my si...moremeh, opening is ~facepalm/eyeroll~ as much for the "oh, been fantasizing over colored contacts and a wig for a few months huh?" as "hi lets fuck my sis says I'm your birthday present"/"oh okay, yay!"
Straight up erotica, fantasy weekend and amp up the sex aspects a bit more instead of trying to tack HEA crush-turned-fantastic birthdayfuck=the one 4eva+eva? Yeah this could have worked.
Another 50 or so to work in some depth to characterization/actually carrying on a few conversations not related to sex, the romance would have worked. Too many shortcuts falling back on cliche trope on Characterization, then ignoring them with a handwave of "but it is okay because--" trying to make the HEA. Jaz is potentially a very interesting character if had been given a bit more of a chance to think with his big head, used the trope of his background to make a character rather than a characterization.
Also, serious eyetwitch at the part where he's an ex-con and a partner in a bar? Wait? WHAT? Srsly? What? Somehow not quite able to suspend disbelief to the point that someone with a criminal record is going to go over well with the state liquor licensing board. And Mandi's "oh I don't care you've been in jail" then turns around and asks what Jaz what he got in trouble for. ~headdesk~ (less)