Full disclosure here: I have a short story in this anthology and every short story I write is pretty much THE GREATEST SHORT STORY EVER WRITTEN so rig...moreFull disclosure here: I have a short story in this anthology and every short story I write is pretty much THE GREATEST SHORT STORY EVER WRITTEN so right there, you have one VERY GOOD reason to spend all of your money on this book. And, in keeping with the spirit of full disclosure, this one time, when I was 19, I was at Barnes & Noble and I farted and accidentally pooped in my pants. It was horrible. I ditched my underwear in the trash can in the bathroom and went right to the self-help section. My life has been a constant uphill battle back to normalcy ever since.
So when I sat down to review this book, I was originally gonna do that thing where I review each story one by one, giving my thoughts and opinions on each tale individually. But then I had this thought:
Most of the contributors to Tall Tales with Short Cocks vol. 2 are active members on Goodreads, right? So they’re going to see what I have to say about their work, correct? They're out there as I type, eagerly anticipating what I - one of their professional peers - have to say about the words, characters and plots they've toiled over for hours and hours of their ever-shortening lives. WELL FUCK, MAN! THAT’S A LOT OF PRESSURE ON ME! For any of you people out there reading this who don’t happen to be the writers of this book let me tell you a horrible truth that binds all of us creative types together – WE ARE ALL GAPING, SOUL-SUCKING BLACK HOLES OF INSECURITY AND WE NEED CONSTANT PRAISE AND ATTENTION OR ELSE WE WITHER AND DIE LIKE THE ILL-FED INSECTS WE ENVISION OURSELVES TO BE! So I know from personal experience that no amount of complimentary words I can craft celebrating the fine authors that make up this anthology will be enough to sate their out-of-control egos. And in my mind I can see them all sitting there at home, the glow of their computer screens casting their faces in pallid blues, their wide and expectant eyes glazing over as they read what I wrote and thinking “IS THIS ALL HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT ME AND MY AMAZING CONTRIBUTION TO THE PANTHEON OF WORLD LITERATURE?” Because that’s what I think. Every. Single. Time. I mean, go ahead and tell me you love me, tell me I’m hilarious, tell me I’m a good writer, interview me for you blog, write a nice review for my book, write a book LONGER than my book about how awesome my book is – AND STILL, it will never be enough. We writers, we can’t help it. It’s part of what keeps compelling us to create.
So what then? What can I say that will help quell that insatiable hunger than lurks in the heart of every artists soul?
Well...
Tall Tales with Short Cocks vol. 2 is a wonderful collection of frenzied and frenetic stories that encompass pretty much the entire array of human emotions and take you to realities you never thought could exist. All the stories in it are amazing. Some I loved. Some I REALLY loved. And some I even cummed on, which, in my world, is the highest honor a person/book can receive. But here’s the kicker: I’m not going to tell you which of these fantastic tales inspired the seminal drips of my literary love wand. I'm not playing favorites. I'm not choosing a winner - suffice it to say, sperm was spilled. Quite a bit, actually. And listen, Authors of this Anthology, I know that this review might disappoint you. Even right now I know your thinking “Why hasn’t he called out my work as the single shining beacon upon the ocean of words on which it rests?” I apologize for not giving you the ten-billion pats on the back you all so rightly deserve. But know this: I love you all. It is an honor to have my story in a book jam-packed with the brilliant and hilarious lot of you. So thank you all for doing what you do, and please, for the love of god, DON’T EVER STOP DOING IT.
Everyone else, please stop reading this review right now and go buy the fucking book already.(less)
I give this book 4,362 STARS out of the 3,557 STAR review system I just arbitrarily made up.
These are short stories. They are witty and pervasive and...moreI give this book 4,362 STARS out of the 3,557 STAR review system I just arbitrarily made up.
These are short stories. They are witty and pervasive and bizarre and disturbing, but they're witty and pervasive and bizarre and disturbing in all the ways that make you sit up and say "Man, this book was fucking cool, and now I'm fucking cool because I read it." Yeah, that's right. I'm fucking cool now because I read this book. I'm going to bring this book to the local coffee shop where all the hipsters can look up from their copies of On The Road and sneer at me and the cock-riding battle-spermed cover. And I, like all people who have attained the divine level of coolness in which this book has delivered me, will feed off their sneers. I will use their sneers to power me like a light bulb. I will become their king. The baristas will become my concubines. The cinnamon dispenser shall be my wife. I will rule the Starbucks with an iron fist, leaving a trail of bloody corpses and spilt caramel macchiatos in my wake as I spread my spunk and splooge upon everything I touch because after reading this book I have learned it's secrets and I AM NOW GENGHIS CUM, TOO! *fap fap fap fap*
My only complaint is that this book is too short. I want more! Violet LeVoit is an immensely talent writer. These stories are infinitely nuanced and wholy engrossing. If you're on the fence about this book, I'm telling you right now, BUY IT.
I know what your thinking, but no, I am not the same Danger Slater that wrote this book. Weird that we share the same name, right? So speaking at a co...moreI know what your thinking, but no, I am not the same Danger Slater that wrote this book. Weird that we share the same name, right? So speaking at a completely objective third-party observer who has absolutely no stake in the success of this novel, even though a few positive reviews and some good word of mouth could make or break the author's budding career as a world-class novelist and, quite possibly, the greatest lover that mankind has ever known, I have to say that THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ! FOOLS, YOU ARE, IF YOU SKIP THIS MILESTONE IN THE HISTORY OF LITERATURE! BUY IT! RELINQUISH YOUR MONEY! NOW!(less)
It's endless entertaining to whip this book out and tell my family, friends and love ones of all the ways they can die. Personal favorite? The spiders...moreIt's endless entertaining to whip this book out and tell my family, friends and love ones of all the ways they can die. Personal favorite? The spiders in the soup. (less)
I don't know why I love this book so much. The vocabulary is pretentious. But then again, I'm a stuck-up prick and I knew what every one of those big...moreI don't know why I love this book so much. The vocabulary is pretentious. But then again, I'm a stuck-up prick and I knew what every one of those big words meant. It's a fun, little end of the world tale and you'll definitely enjoy it, unless you're hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobic.(less)
I read this book perhaps two years ago and to this day, every time I think about it, I smile inside. Then I wonder why there is a mouth inside of me....moreI read this book perhaps two years ago and to this day, every time I think about it, I smile inside. Then I wonder why there is a mouth inside of me. Stop smiling, stomach mouth! Oh no, stomach mouth is eating my belt. My trousers have fallen down. My naked penis is exposed to everyone at the library right now. I'm going to end this review to address more pressing matters...(less)
Not enough books are The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. If you like sci-fi, you're a nerd. If you like The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, then you...moreNot enough books are The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. If you like sci-fi, you're a nerd. If you like The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, then your a nerd with good taste. If you haven't read this book and it's sequels, your life has been a huge waste of time so far.(less)
The book is 100 times better than the movie, and the movie won five Academy Awards. Converting that, each Academy Award is worth 115 shitty movies, ma...moreThe book is 100 times better than the movie, and the movie won five Academy Awards. Converting that, each Academy Award is worth 115 shitty movies, making the movie version worth 575 crappy movies. 100 x 575 = 57,500 shitty films. So your options are to watch nearly 60 thousand shitty movies or read this book once. I think the choice is clear.(less)
By far, my favorite Palahniuk. Contains the infamous short story 'Guts' which is worth the price of admission alone. But add to that another 20 or so...moreBy far, my favorite Palahniuk. Contains the infamous short story 'Guts' which is worth the price of admission alone. But add to that another 20 or so equal disturbed short stories, some shakey poetry, and a dude who eats a whole dehydrated turkey, and you have literary gold!(less)
Unless you have flies in your eyes, then you should read this book. If you actually do have flies in your eyes, though, I suggest you get some medical...moreUnless you have flies in your eyes, then you should read this book. If you actually do have flies in your eyes, though, I suggest you get some medical help. I have the number to a good doctor; doesn't ask a lot of questions, operates out of a van by the diner, goes by tha name Dr. X...(less)
This book is one of my fucking favorites, and not just because it contains one of my short stories, but also because it's a great book for squishing t...moreThis book is one of my fucking favorites, and not just because it contains one of my short stories, but also because it's a great book for squishing the flies in my kitchen. It's sleek, red design hides most gore left on its cover, and at 200 pages, it can crush the heartiest of bugs. Plus the stories aren't bad, either. I suggest you pick yourself up a copy, and then read it, and then give it to someone you love and force them to read it too. (less)
In addition to the greatest title of all time, there are three novellas in this book that make up the second, third and forth greatest titles of all t...moreIn addition to the greatest title of all time, there are three novellas in this book that make up the second, third and forth greatest titles of all time. Sometime when I read other books, I think, why are their no man-eating dicks or human/blimps that shit all over everything. I bet if Stephenie Meyer had more crackwhore anuses and shit pirates in her dumb 'Twilight' books, I'd have more faith left in humanity.(less)
Upon finishing this book, I attempted to develop a relationship with my own house. My girlfriend got all uptight about the cum stains I was leaving al...moreUpon finishing this book, I attempted to develop a relationship with my own house. My girlfriend got all uptight about the cum stains I was leaving all over the walls and furniture. I tried to explain to her the power of good literature, but then Jersey Shore came on and we both got distracted. To summarize, this book is awesome. One of the best endings in the history of the written word. Read it or your house will collapse on you.(less)
Finally a book about a mall on its period. Follow the weird adventure of a bunch of stereotypes somehow compelled to stay in a mall leaking blood as t...moreFinally a book about a mall on its period. Follow the weird adventure of a bunch of stereotypes somehow compelled to stay in a mall leaking blood as they get picked off by a mysterious killer, one by one. With a premise like that, how could it be bad?(less)
Fluke is my favorite Christopher Moore book because it finally answers the question, are there people piloting whales from inside their butts, which i...moreFluke is my favorite Christopher Moore book because it finally answers the question, are there people piloting whales from inside their butts, which is something I've wondered ever since I was raped by Shamu at SeaWorld. Unlike the noble octopi, some whales don't know the difference between 'good touch' and 'bad touch.' (less)
This is my favorite Vonnegut book, and I've read them all, except for one, which I am afraid to read because he is dead now and once I read that last...moreThis is my favorite Vonnegut book, and I've read them all, except for one, which I am afraid to read because he is dead now and once I read that last book there won't be any more to read and my life will be meaningless.(less)
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