"I told my boss that I had a book inside of me, and that I needed to get it out even if I had to squeeze it through my vagina. Because that’s exactly...more"I told my boss that I had a book inside of me, and that I needed to get it out even if I had to squeeze it through my vagina. Because that’s exactly what the world needs. A book squeezed from my vagina."
Jenny Lawson, also known as The Bloggess, is an internet sensation that I only recently became aware of. I’m not quite sure how I survived in life without her hilarious stories to be quite honest. I guess it should be mentioned for those with delicate sensibilities that Jenny cusses a lot, but considering you’re visiting my blog I would expect you’re used to that from me by now.
This book is absolutely fucking hilarious but it’s that type of funny that is only funny when it doesn't happen to you. Like when Jenny talks about that time she walks into a deer carcass. Or when her dad brought home a talking squirrel only to find it was actually a squirrel puppet and her dads hand was shoved up inside its dead body. Or when Jenny brought home her future in-laws to meet her folks and her dad was out back boiling animal skulls. Or when she practically overdosed on laxatives and a burglar was shoving notes to her from under the bathroom door except it ended up being her cat. (I literally almost fell off the treadmill at the gym laughing at that scene. People were looking at me with serious concern.) But seriously. What horrible things to have to live through. But since I didn't they were some of the funniest fucking things I have ever heard.
"Oh my God, calm down, Darwin. Don’t get all crazy just 'cause I threw a vampire monkey wrench in your faulty Jesus-zombie logic."
All of the back and forth verbal sparring between Jenny and Victor was the absolute freaking best but I could go on and on with my favorite scenes. So what the fuck, I will! Like when she asked the nurse if they could make her cesarean scar the shape of a lightning bolt so whenever she had menstrual cramps she could pretend Voldemort was close. Or when she purchased a giant metal chicken (named it Beyonce), put it in front of her front door, rang the doorbell and ran so that she could scare her husband. You cannot make up funnier shit.
"It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS."
This is a book made for the sole purpose of enjoyment. Because you will laugh, I guaran-fucking-tee it. But the bottom line is this book only goes to show that those crazy moments in life are the character building moments that make us who we are, for better or worse, so you might as well embrace it.
If I've (hopefully) convinced any of you to read this, I’ll let you know right now that you absolutely MUST listen to the audio. You’re totally missing out if you don’t. The sound effects were the freaking best and I can’t imagine reading this book without them. There was the cocking shotguns, the crazy clucking chickens and Jenny’s singing introductions and an odd assortment of other sound effects that had me non-stop rolling with laughter. Whenever I finish an audiobook I immediately delete it from my phone and move right on to the next one. But this one stayed put because whenever I’m in need of a gut-busting laugh I’ll always have this on hand to get the job done.
"In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax."(less)
“‘Nobody sees us as we do, Patti.’ . . . Whenever he said things like that, for a magical space of time, it was as if we were the only two people in t...more“‘Nobody sees us as we do, Patti.’ . . . Whenever he said things like that, for a magical space of time, it was as if we were the only two people in the world.”
Admittedly, I knew next to nothing about Patti Smith or Robert Mapplethorpe before picking up Just Kids. This didn’t prevent me from becoming immediately enthralled in their tale. Patti Smith lived with her parents and slept on a cot in the laundry room until she boarded a bus to New York City with a measly $32 in her pocket. The friends she had planned to stay with had moved but was more serendipitous than she knew because this is where she would first meet Robert Mapplethorpe. Their bond with each other had almost a preternatural feel and was truly extraordinary.
We were Hansel and Gretel and we ventured out into the black forest of the world. There were temptations and witches and demons we never dreamed of and there was splendor we only partially imagined. No one could speak for these two young people nor tell with any truth of their days and nights together. Only Robert and I could tell it. Our story, as he called it. And, having gone, he left the task to me to tell it to you.
This is a poetic story about a time that I didn’t personally experience. It’s a time period that would be difficult to fathom yet Patti Smith writes with such crisp clarity that allowed her story to truly come to life. Listening to the audio version of this and hearing Patti Smith personally narrate this was a wonderful way to experience this book. (Listen to a clip here.) Just Kids is a poignant story that showcases the innocence of her life before she became well known by the world. It’s a stunning yet haunting dirge to everything that once was and everything that was lost.(less)
My rating: 4.5 of 5 stars A copy of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven was provided to me by Da Capo Press for review purposes.
'Thinking back...moreMy rating: 4.5 of 5 stars A copy of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven was provided to me by Da Capo Press for review purposes.
'Thinking back now, it was really just a creepy house that creaked and shuddered, but to impressionable nine-year-olds, it was the vacation spot of the devil itself.'
To give you all a proper introduction for those who are unaware, Corey Taylor is the lead singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour and the author of Seven Deadly Sins. 'A Funny Thing Happened' is a worthy follow-up novel and another tantalizing look into the mind of an incredibly interesting man.
At face value I was expecting 'A Funny Thing Happened' to be a random smattering of ghostly encounters he has had over the years, and it is, yet it's a fascinating exploration into the reasoning behind ghosts. His scientific details will definitely get you wondering because his hypotheses generated some genuinely possible answers. Surprisingly intellectual and educational, 'A Funny Thing Happened' is definitely a conduit that spurs some serious debates regarding the existence of the paranormal.
'Cynics will claims that my "eyewitness accounts" can easily be described as "flights of fancy," or "the trappings of an overactive imagination." [...] the one I hate even worse than those others: "You saw what you wanted to see and nothing more." Let me fucking telling you something: I did not want to see this shit, and I still do not want to see this shit.'
A Funny Thing Happened is written with a humor that is harsh and biting yet oh so entertaining. This is a man that isn't afraid to speak his mind yet is graciously considerate of others beliefs. He's mindful and respectful of others beliefs regardless of whether or not he shares them. Simply put, he is a man of many opinions and isn't afraid to share... such as it should be.
'Belief is a gift you should cherish; knowledge is a gift you should never squander.'
This book is like one big discussion, all topics are left open to interpretation, without concrete facts, just mindful musings and hypotheses. It will definitely generate antithetical opinions, however, approach this with an open mind and you may find yourself actually considering the possibilities of an alternate opinion. Or maybe you'll remain a skeptic. Either way, this book will definitely leave you something to ponder.
Organization = happiness? That's what Jen Lancaster has set out to prove. Her life...moreMy rating: 2.5 of 5 stars
'...ready or not, happiness, here I come.'
Organization = happiness? That's what Jen Lancaster has set out to prove. Her life is in dire need of some organization not just within her house but in her life in general and she thinks that in doing so she'll be less stressful and have more happiness. She decides to emulate the Queen of Organization: Martha Stewart. The Tao of Martha is her personal accounting of incorporating Martha's ideals into her daily life, both when it goes right and when it goes horribly wrong.
Having read all of Jen's memoirs, it's become a requirement to pick any new ones up even if they have steadily declined over the years. I'm thinking it's a combination of lack of new material that's actually worth writing about and a dramatic change in lifestyle from what we originally saw in her first memoir 'Bitter is the New Black'. In 'Bitter', Jen is a much more relatable person as she's struggling to survive as her and her husband both are unemployed. With each memoir she is slowly transforming into the person who talks only of her cleaning ladies, monumentally expensive landscaping plans and her shopping excursions to affluent stores that I couldn't even afford to breathe the air of. While the writing still manages to sustain (somewhat) the snark that we've all come to know and love, the stories have become achingly superficial. Prime example:
'Shoot, I haven't even reserved an organic turkey yet! ("I'll take 'The Most OverPrivileged First-World Complain to Ever Be Uttered' for a hundred, Alec!")'
Admitting that you're being shallow still doesn't make it funny.
While there were a few laugh out loud moments, I found the majority of 'Tao' to be incredibly boring. Early in the beginning there's a 7+ page accounting of her cleaning her desk which includes an itemized description of everything she had stored from over the years. (Considering she just moved/bought her house a few years ago, all this excessive garbage she dragged to the new house makes it even less funny. Like the broken wine glass shards. Really?) One thing I've always loved about her memoirs is how each chapter is a story in and of itself but in 'Tao', again, wondering if she was just running out of material, there were several stories that lacked any sort of point and entertainment value (and a few stories that were entirely way too personal and included info I would rather just not know). Like the chapter where we receive entirely way too much info regarding her digestive system. Or the chapter where she discusses her massive love for zucchini for several pages. Or the bit how she's attempting to figure out why her roses are dying when her friend points out that she probably shouldn't be watering them with a high pressure hose (duh?)
While the funnies were lacking in consistency, this was still a fun and easy read that also managed to teach me a few things: -15 pounds of Easter candy for 9 kids = bad math. -When gardening make sure you don't wear your older underwear so ticks can't crawl up and attach themselves to your lady-parts. -If I start stocking up on emergency rations, six jars of marshmallow fluff is not essential. -If my doctor ever prescribes me Ambien, I'm chaining myself to the bed.(less)
ZooBorns The Next Generation was kindly provided to me by Netgalley for Simon & Schuster. Expected publication: November 6th 2012
Holy cuteness. Ser...moreZooBorns The Next Generation was kindly provided to me by Netgalley for Simon & Schuster. Expected publication: November 6th 2012
Holy cuteness. Seriously. Being a huge fan of the daily ZooBorns e-mails I knew I had to check this out for even more adorable animals. The baby tigers and baby lions always get to me but it's always fun seeing pictures of some animal that I've never even knew existed. Fantastic photography including a small description of the baby animals life. This is a great book that adults and kids can both enjoy. (less)