Soo, I've been thinking (because I had a lot of time to think between the utter despair and mind numbingly dull moments) that I am truly starting to h...moreSoo, I've been thinking (because I had a lot of time to think between the utter despair and mind numbingly dull moments) that I am truly starting to hate this fucking rambunctious turd of a series.
I know, I know... I, for some odd ass reason continue to read this peanut-infested drivel, hoping that maybe it will stop being so...fucking...bad, and maybe it's cause I really enjoy reading (and I mean skimming) the trials and tribulations of everyone except Anita. Really. I could care less about the main character than I do herpes. Why should I care about a character who doesn't do anything different from the last 3 or four books. Seriously, it's a copy-paste-fest going on up in here.
I believe Kurt Vonnegut said (for the basics of a creative story) that you should be a sadist to your characters to see what they are made of. This I understand. This makes total and complete sense to me. LKH doesn't understand this at all.. or maybe she does and just doesn't write this way because hell, if I could get paid to write shit and continue to write shit with no repercussions to my paycheck, cause my audience seems to think books like 50 Shades of Butt is PHENOMINAL then why the hell not? Why should I believe that anything is going to truly happen to Anita? Nothing of exceptional value is ever taken from her, she has everything at her beck and call,she's forgiven for everything (or just doesn't care because ewww, jealous people hate me), she never really is troubled except for whether to wear hoochie heels and tiny skirts or jeans and comfortable, understandably-practical-for-her-occupation footwear.
It's hard to give up a series that I've invested so much time and about 14 bucks in. (I only really bought one book.. I love the library) But I may not be back to write scathing reviews for a while. Even laughing at this joke of a story has gotten dull.
I think I'll scan the blurb a bit better next time.
As I've said in past reviews of this series, there is a fuck-ton of re-hashing of how badass everyone is, how close Nik and Cal are, and whole lot of...moreAs I've said in past reviews of this series, there is a fuck-ton of re-hashing of how badass everyone is, how close Nik and Cal are, and whole lot of the author telling not showing what is going on. It's book 8.. I think it's pretty obvious by now that Cal and Niko are Superman. Not superMEN .. but one entity. Basically I think all that baddassery couldn't have possibly fit into one character without making them lame i.e.: Superman. So, two people. But Superman sucks. Perfect people suck. Perfect people need to get tossed in a pool of chainsaws. That's why for the longest time I thought Niko sucked. He was to perfect. Boring. But then he has this meltdown and it was awesome. Finally someone pulled the right screw loose and his perfection mask came atumbling down. Here's hoping he stays that way.
Oh yeah, and Cal did some stuff, ate some food.. gated... you know.. Cal.
Okay, so it wasn't completely fucking god-awful...but there were plenty of moments where I was wondering why I continue to read this terribly written...moreOkay, so it wasn't completely fucking god-awful...but there were plenty of moments where I was wondering why I continue to read this terribly written shitcasm.
And its all for the Ash, Nick, or Savitar side bits that come out here or there, which accounts for about 5% of this particular book. Those three are the only reasons I continue to care.
Retarded ranting belowsies
(view spoiler)[ I swear this entire book is told in flashbacks. Which are pretty much filled with Ren's sad past. All his beatings, humiliations, and other painful memories are laid bare in whats-her-names visions (and she's that forget-able I forgot her name already). And what do we learn of her...well she had a family that cared and loved her...the end. So basically we get kinda nothing from her.
Torture porn has become a staple in SK's latest writings to the point where it's a seemingly constant oneupmanship on who has the shittiest past. Last dream-hunter >> guy was tortured constantly for a couple thousand years. Last league novel >> guy had to fake being gay for hsi moms, was raped on camera, and was fed his own shit for a couple months straight...i don't even get how he survived.
See my point? it's just getting ridiculous. Whatever happened to the demon-chasing dudes Fang got up with? That shit with the leader of the dream-hunters who is related to Nick? Or the Dogs of War? Most of these story-lines were introduced at the end of a couple books (like 3 or 4 books ago)but never turned into anything. Except for maybe No Mercy but that was as memorable as the last pee I took.
Hopefully this detour was the last one or at least manages to tie shit together in crappily written bliss-cakes?
I honestly can't believe it took me this long to finish this damn book.
For seriously. I bought it like 4 or 5 years ago, started it, put it down, star...moreI honestly can't believe it took me this long to finish this damn book.
For seriously. I bought it like 4 or 5 years ago, started it, put it down, started it again, put it down again... stared at it knowing it would be good but got caught up in reading shitty PNRs or other half-assed stories.
I can't think of anything i didn't like about this story. It was bloody, dark, and disgustingly good read.
And seeing as I already bought the rest of the trilogy I'll be sure not to take as long to finish them as I did the first. (less)
**spoiler alert** One of the things that bothered me about this book (and probably the last couple) was that she hardly used her necromancer powers. A...more**spoiler alert** One of the things that bothered me about this book (and probably the last couple) was that she hardly used her necromancer powers. And she was going up against vampires..Who are dead..On which she could use those powers on..Easily..BUt she doesn't..Which makes her powers useless..Like her men..Besides their enormous weiners..Or lack of personality beyond one emotion... Holy shit, they're like emotional power rangers with smells and colors but with no complexity beyond a fresh turd. HAH!
I mean if you're essentially going to be superman, with all these awesome "SUPER POWARZ" then you'd probably think "hmmmm, I'm going to fly to catch the bad guy running away with that ladies purse" NOT "ooh, I'm gonna break out my razor scooter, scoot with a human pace, and mayhaps catch up to him then ask him nicely to give it back". NO! You fly after him and punch him into the ground goddammit!
That's basically what she does. All the time now. Besides the constant rehashing of every character trait (I seriously think those bluer than the most darkest ocean-midnight-nighttime-blue eyes of Jean-Claude's has been cemented into my brain cavity now either that or Nathaniel's luxurious ankle-length-vanilla-scented hair of amazing amazingness...blah) You get pages and pages of Anita telling you she's sooooooo badass, she has all the powers, she's such a dude... but proceeds to get thrown around by a newbie vampire while showing what a weak stupid fucking asshole she is by trusting said newbie to not attack her after being arrested. And being saved by the other cops anyway.
And then she almost eats her bride. Am I being random? Yeah. It was random in the book too.
And I know.. this is a fictional environment... not real... yes..yes. BUt I like to be sucked into a story. And that isn't possible if I'm laughing at the ridiculousness every fifty words. Suspension of Disbelief LKH.
Once I tried explaining these books to my husband, and he once asked me "hold on, wait. What are all these powers?" and I honestly couldn't explain them beyond the fact that she can raise the dead and bind people to her with her magical twat. He told me those powers were stupid. I told him he was right.
I don't think this was a book. I think it was a exceptionally long fortune cookie, with and exhausting amount of torture rehashing and expositions of...moreI don't think this was a book. I think it was a exceptionally long fortune cookie, with and exhausting amount of torture rehashing and expositions of retarded proportions. And I guess there was a dude thrown in there to experience the ridiculous amounts of torture pooped on them and the epically naive wench thrown in to pity-love him.
And I totally loved the Braveheart quote being used as if she thought up that juicy morsel.
(view spoiler)[ Oh and when someone slits their wrists when they have access to explosives on the regular and they're basically a trained assassin, I call bullshit. If he really wanted to kill himself he could have done it right the first time. And yes. I realize this is fiction.. I just thought that was one thing out of many that was stupidly written. (hide spoiler)]
For the first 1/2 I was liking this so much I didn't want to finish it. I know it's weird.. sue me.
Then the quasi-ending happened: (view spoiler)[ Al...moreFor the first 1/2 I was liking this so much I didn't want to finish it. I know it's weird.. sue me.
Then the quasi-ending happened: (view spoiler)[ Alex loses Ellie and Tom all in about 2 chapters, takes up with a bunch of cultist weirdos, effectively losing her bad-ass card by conforming and being "safe", and somehow forgets her feelings for Tom by shacking up with the obvious "let's make this an awkward love triangle" guy. (hide spoiler)]
But it's interesting enough to continue on. Hopefully it won't dissapoint.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
**spoiler alert** God this was terrible. Don't even get me started on the "I Love Yous" after 1 day and after a lifetime of not trusting anyone becaus...more**spoiler alert** God this was terrible. Don't even get me started on the "I Love Yous" after 1 day and after a lifetime of not trusting anyone because that shit is insulting.
Between the Yoda-isms every five seconds or the fact that Abigail was supposed to have trained all her damn life to fight the Dark Hunters, managed to kill a couple + a Guardian/God (whatever he was) dude only to turn into this doo doo wussy woman...ugh
Oh yeah plus the weird pedo-bear-ish-ness at the fact that Jess had helped raise this girl somewhat and now he's dipping in her panties. Gross.
I did enjoy the extra bit with Acheron. Even if it was barf-ily sweet. (less)
**spoiler alert** This series is so fucking hilarious sometimes that I want to cry. It's so fucking terrible that I can't help but be interested again...more**spoiler alert** This series is so fucking hilarious sometimes that I want to cry. It's so fucking terrible that I can't help but be interested again. You know that whole train-wreck expression...yeah doesn't even come close to how retarded this series has become.. this is more like blowing up the moon and then being mesmerized at the after effects of meteor showers and cosmic doom. Here are some of the crazy things that just stood the hell out, drove me nuts or need to mentioned:
*Edward's eyes are the deadliest-winter-cold-blue-ice-chipped shiver shiver eyes in the whole damn world. Yes Edward is scary. I understood that the first time it was mentioned (in book one? I don't remember) but the repetition of this fact every time Anita and Ed talk just makes me wonder if LKH was looking to hit a certain word count. He also seems to be one of the only people in the world who can talk her down, push her aside, step in front, or some other dominance laced activity, without her going ape-shit and defensive about trying to get her down or being a jealous hater.
*I'm also wondering where all the "I'm there for you always/ soulmate" is going.. or was that addressed in some book way back. I can't remember anymore. It's such a tease and yeah it'd be pretty interesting if she ever got it on with him..sometimes I think past plot lines never seem to go anywhere..Kinda like if Anita is ever gonna get her 4th mark or not, if they'll encounter obsidian butterfly again, or where Jean-Claude's (or any other harem member for that matter) balls went.
*The damn verbal dick-swinging is a treat yet again. I swear every time she goes out of town there has to be someone. That same someone. Some evil bitch lady or some super toughie guy...doesn't matter all the same character.. kinda like a Red Shirt in Star Trek. You know they're there and they're just waiting to be ass-reamed by Anita or one of her many beards. And it always must be that they want to fuck Anita or her Menz. It differs from book to book, some will have 3 dick-swinging contests while another will have 2 but then 5 orgy scenes. I wanna say this one was similar to Skin Trade but that had and blackout orgy and one brotherly sex scene while Hit List had 1 measly sex scene and like five swinging beef scenes. Bullet was just all wangst, homosex, and orgy-havin (which I like more than the dick-swinging oddly enough)
*The flow of the story is all over the damn place.. again. It stops and starts..goes off on a tangent here, runs to the next scene here, bitching here, sexxxxxxx here, wanngggstt here, Olaf being awesome, wangsting, Edward's cold-winter-ice-blue eyes here... Death of super powerful Mommie foo-foo.. now back to married life with my harem...dawwwwwwwww. No wait.. OLAF IS A WERELION. AHAHAHHAHHAHAHHA. That was the best part I think. I love Olaf. He might be my favorite character. I hope he eats Anita.
*Oh yeah, I really hate this rainbow tiger brigade..it's probably one of the most retarded plot points since the ardeur happened. Which sometimes I still don't get even after 10 or so books of it. I hope it's over and done with now that Mama-Foo-Foo is gone.
And if you're wondering if I'm gonna put this series down I say this: HELLS NAH! This is series is so messed up its actually made its self enjoyable by sheer ludicrous-ness. I must see this shit-storm to the end!! (less)
Now don't get me wrong, I do like this series, but I'm having a hard time believing that Kallie is the main character. Honestly "sassy comeback line"...more Now don't get me wrong, I do like this series, but I'm having a hard time believing that Kallie is the main character. Honestly "sassy comeback line" or "smelly smells of something smellygood" seem the likely candidate of the main... nevermind. After two whole books I really don't know as much as I would like to know about well.. a lot. And I hate unanswered questions that are left open just for the purpose of having a next book. It leaves me grumpy and unsatisfied. The book I read before this one (dance with dragons) left it that way but was written a hellaton better. SO I IS A GRUMPYHEAD NOW!!
Damn. All I am doing is bashing. I don't mean to. Really.
(view spoiler)[ Layne is back..but asleep a lot. Kallie punches at people..but only connects with one nose. She also has Super-Loa in side her. Belladonna.. is sassy and perving on anything with a dick...which I enjoy. One Dallas chapter is all we get to learn that Dallas is now a Loa's bitch. Not a lot of Augustine which makes me sad..cause he is probably one of the best characters in this series. A giganticle storm is gonna kill everyone... AND THEY FUCK IT AWAY!! No fucking shit...DEUS SEX MACHINA, BITCHES!! HAHAHAHHAHAH... Yeah... that killed it. As much as I love any scene with Layne, the deus sex scene just felt like..crap. And I know it was for the good of ALL OF Nawlins and shit but.. son I was dissapoint. (hide spoiler)]
Buuutt..It was pretty enjoyable. Kinda fluffy, but tolerable for the Layne bits.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
**spoiler alert** I enjoyed this book much more than the last one. And I'm still a bit miffed by Jon's last chapter (not really in a bad way)..I wante...more**spoiler alert** I enjoyed this book much more than the last one. And I'm still a bit miffed by Jon's last chapter (not really in a bad way)..I wanted to toss the book after I read that...not because of the death or possibility of non-death but because you saw it coming. You saw it coming from miles away and it still surprised the shit out of me. And I won't know what happens for a couple of years. I think sometimes I get too invested in characters sometimes, but its possible GRRM wrote them that way. Which is why this gets so high a rating, it made me forget and you feel what these characters feel sometimes and I love that. This is a fucking story that drags you away from yourself and you see, smell, feel, and live these characters. Well at least I do. I will say Dany annoyed the hell out of me. Where the hell was the strong dragon queen from a couple of books ago? Someone needed to slap some sense into her...chaining the dragons...WTF?!?!?! And Theon...oh poor poor Theon..I really felt for him..I couldn't have cared less for him before in past books but jezus! Dude had it fucking bad. Missing fingers, toes, teeth, pride, manhood...sanity. I mean he had it coming but I think it was that and then some
i honestly got halfway through, then skimmed the rest. maybe i've read too many romances where the main characters fall in love after two conversation...morei honestly got halfway through, then skimmed the rest. maybe i've read too many romances where the main characters fall in love after two conversations and BANG! its instant true love... but this was incredibly boring.
but it did however introduce me to my new favorite female naughty part euphemism... ladies and gentlemen, may i present PRIVATE SANCTUM.
i had a whole extra joke about that but it just wasn't coming out right.(less)