If Snakes on a Plane (view spoiler)[I'm tired of these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane!! (hide spoiler)] and Mother Goose's Nursery R...more If Snakes on a Plane (view spoiler)[I'm tired of these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane!! (hide spoiler)] and Mother Goose's Nursery Rhymes had a baby it would be this audio book. It was pure genius to have Samuel L. Jackson narrate. I mean, who's inner Samuel L. Jackson doesn't come out when they are sleep deprived, right?
When I'm sleepy, I'm the nastiest person you would ever have the misfortune of meeting. But somehow fate would have it that I'd be cursed blessed with the world's worst sleepers. Where are all those people that told me all babies did was sleep and eat? After having two little monsters lovelies of my own, I no longer believe such babies exist. -_-
Last night at the ripe hour of 3 am, my 13 month old (who we have affectionately dubbed "Destructo" for his uncanny ability to destroy anything he gets his hands on) felt it was the perfect time to play with mommy and daddy. After one extreme acrobatic nursing session, our night went a little something like this:
*Destructo plays in between mama and dada on the bed*
Me: I can't function. The Mister: I told you not to put him to bed early. Now he won't go back to sleep. Me: IT WAS BEDTIME! The Mister: Shhh! You'll wake the Diva. Me: No I won't. She's done for the nig---
*In walks the Diva*
Me: Damn, damn, damn! The Mister: I told you so. Me: Shut up. Go put her back in bed.
*Destructo's toe lands in my eye and he appropriately laughs*
The Mister: She's back in bed. Me: Good. Now handle your son. The Mister: He doesn't want me. He wants to go play.
**Suddenly, the voice of Samuel L. Jackson fills my mind.**
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep!
Me: Amen! The Mister: What? Me: Nothing.
*We head downstairs. He plays. I curse my life in the corner silently.*
About 2 hours later we finally got Destructo back to sleep. Around here sleep is more precious than gold. So if you ever happen to visit during bedtime, we have a strict OCD like ritual you must adhere to. We turn the portable fans on for white noise. If this makes you cold, tuff ninnies! Don't use the microwave. Cold food wont kill ya. Put your damn phone on vibrate. And for the love of all things cheesy, don't flush the fucking toilet! Goodnight.