yeah, i'm surprised, myself. but it's a different kind of four-star rating. because while there were elements i thought were unsuccessful and dippy ch...more yeah, i'm surprised, myself. but it's a different kind of four-star rating. because while there were elements i thought were unsuccessful and dippy characters whose actions confused me, you don't sit down and eat a tub of frosting with a wooden spoon and then complain about the aftertaste.
i just don't usually have this much fun with the titles for the bodice rippers society. they are fine, but usually they are trying too hard to be sexxy, which is a total turn-off.
this one was goofier, and i think i responded to that, being that way inclined myself.
not that i am anything like any of the ladies in this book. i am not myself a headstrong woman who is attracted to a headstrong man and who considers an argument to be foreplay. i am not a young, bosomy blonde in a happy marriage to a considerably older man when i suddenly realize i am not, in fact, happy through the discovery of china egg cups with feet:
nor am i a drunk mystic or whatever-the-h margie was supposed to be.
this is what i imagine sex in the city was like, but with more murders and more noir set-pieces.it is a bunch of ladies sitting around talking frankly about vibrators and men, and their relationship problems, without admitting their own failures in these relationships. willful blindness FTW!!
because the women here aren't helpless victims to big bad unfeeling men. nell frequently oversteps her bounds in her new job as secretary of a detective firm - breaking shit, dog-napping, snooping and cleaning and forcing her interior design ideas on a man who has no interest in change. suze gets all bent out of shape over (view spoiler)[ her husband's infidelity (hide spoiler)], seeming to forget that she secured this relationship (view spoiler)[by sleeping with a married 40-year-old man when she was 18. in a cheerleader's outfit. (hide spoiler)] which, ew. margie is a kooky alcoholic who never really seems all there, but will drop bombshells every once in a while. drunk waters run deep and all. her relationship issues are the least of her problems, actually. and yet, considered in the sober light of day, they are the most explosive.
this book operates in a world without consequences (okay, people get murdered, so there are some consequences for some people...) but here, a woman can (view spoiler)[make out with her best friend who is, frankly, a little off-putting in her "i have suddenly become bi-curious, and you are going to have to put up with my repeated advances" (hide spoiler)] with no shyness the next day. and here, a woman can (view spoiler)[ have a one-night stand with the cousin/business partner of her intended with no lasting repercussions to her job or her relationship. (hide spoiler)] which, trust me, in the real world, these things have consequences. awkward, long-lasting consequences. you can't un-see someone's genitals.
but again, this is frivolous fun, and it would be childish to elevate it and hold it to real-world realities.
it is simply a light genre-blend of mystery and romance which is genuinely funny in places.
and this is the moral i took from this story:
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.
where you substitute "open relationship" for "sleeping with the boss."
NOT AT ALL PAINFUL! jennifer crusie, who knew???(less)
ummm, rippers?? you guys are gonna read this, too, right? because this book is okay, but not something i would have read without the protective herd o...more ummm, rippers?? you guys are gonna read this, too, right? because this book is okay, but not something i would have read without the protective herd of y'all around me.
and i refuse to be the only one who has had to read lines like:
She still had trouble believing she could use this spectacular body as her sensual playground.
and:
That man wasn't about to shelve his condoms in just one woman's bedside table.
don't make me play the hurricane card.
so, it seems this is just number one in what is going to be a series of books about these book club ladies. which i guess is good news, because i gotta tell you, this book, standing alone, is very poorly-titled. it is not about the dirty girl's book club. it is about one girl in the book club, and her sexual shenanigans, while the other ladies in the club are just occasional characters, and i have no proof that any of them are particularly dirty.
i have never seen sex in the city, but i am under the impression, from the commercials, that on that show, four ladies get together and drink girly drinks and talk about where their vaginas have been that week. and i thought that's what this book would be: confessional tales of debauchery from women pretending they are in a book club, but who are really in a martini and sexual conquests club.
no rules to join. and no limits once you're in...
that is what the cover promises. but in canada, "no limits" seems to involve "appies" and "bitching about the man booker award winners" until one lady suggests they read something a little more frisky. and they do. and like mme bovary, one of them, at least, discovers a world of sexual possibilities.
georgia (call me george) is a woman desperately in need of a sexual re-awakening. some unwanted statutory gropings and her mother's unhealthy addiction to relationships caused her to join some sort of celibacy cult in her teens, meet the virgin love of her life when she was fourteen, marry him at twenty, have her sweet fumbling wedding night schtupping, and then o no, he dies shortly thereafter. and now she is 28, and for the last three years.... nothing in her pants at all.
'cuz she is all business - hair in a tight bun, scratchy business suits, starched shirts, "take me seriously, i am a businesswoman" attitude.
Her boss at Dynamic Marketing had just appointed her, not her competition, Harry, as account manager on a major new campaign. She'd work her butt off to win this opportunity.
that's great! you go, girl!! way to show them that sacrifice and hard work pay off and women can head a sportswear campaign featuring a major hockey star without cashing in on their sexuality and be just as good as a man could be and - wait - wait - what?? WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY ON YOUR BACK ON THE CONFERENCE TABLE WHILE YOUR CLIENT IS PUTTING HIS - WAIT - WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOING??? is this because he called you a lesbian?? because you don't need to prove your heterosexuality that way. you could just, you know, say "i am not a lesbian." i mean, if that matters to you.
but goodie for her, she is given two orgasms. her first two orgasms. she will mention this many many times over the course of the book. it is a big deal that she had two orgasms.
you're 28, and you have never had an orgasm. and that's fine, but you're a smart girl, right?? figure it out.
right? you can still be celibate - no one has to come into your house, but you know - you can hang up some curtains yourself, make it nice. that's an analogy, right? but whatever. she takes a page from the flowery romance novel the "dirty girls book club" is reading and embraces the casual sex lifestyle.
two orgasms.
but shhh, it is a secret! because she is working here. but she is also learning. about orgasms (she had two) and scheduling and secrecy and maybe... falling in love? but no. is business. with genitals.
and lines that make me laugh.
The logistics of casual sex were complicated when your lover was in the Stanley Cup playoffs and insisted on sleeping in his own bed.
oh my god, i was just saying that the other day!!
but georgia(george) "two orgasms" malone lost me here, because even worse than blowing (heh) her career for some intercourse, and losing herself in her lust, she commits this cardinal sin:
At noon, Georgia popped out to grab something to eat. She was thinking of indulging in a chocolate crepe, but remembered what Woody had said about respecting your body and instead chose a chicken salad.
NO NO NO!! never turn down a chocolate crepe for a salad. what the fuck is wrong with you?? yeah, the body is a temple, but mine is a temple to dessert.
eat the crepe. always eat the crepe. chocolate crepe trumps two orgasms.
i'm not even sure what else needs to be said about this book. if you are a fan of romance, you might like it. it's got all the things that romance novels have (two orgasms) and characters who want to fall in love, but "noooo, we must put obstacles in our own way because otherwise, we would never appreciate this relationship." plus, it has some male-perspective chapters, some shouting, a lot of etiquette lessons (oh my god, and am i the only one who was hoping for woody to hook up with the judge after they went to dinner? because i thought they had more chemistry than woody and george. but spoiler alert - zero orgasms were had), and a lot about hockey superstitions, humility, and so many hidden emotional depths. sensitive men. haircuts. and two.fucking.orgasms.(less)
oh, bodice-rippers, the things i have read for you.cowboy porn, medieval porn, twincest porn...
but guess what?? against all odds, i liked this one. li...more oh, bodice-rippers, the things i have read for you.cowboy porn, medieval porn, twincest porn...
but guess what?? against all odds, i liked this one. like, i 3.5 star liked this one. is that weird? am i finally coming over to the darkside of steampunk loooove books? am i going to be one of the ladies elbowing others out of the way to get my hands on the monthly deliveries of harlequin extras? it could happen. i am greasing my elbows.
usually, reading the things we read for this group, i just have the "git-r-done" attitude, as the great philosopher would say. i read them so i can post a humorous review of them, and then i go on to read something that is more to my liking. but this one wasn't bad. i have chosen to read books that were way worse than this.
a lot of my liking of it was the characters. not so much bodhan; he's pretty stock: handsome, chiseled, knows how to give a woman pleasure, but not how to give her... his heart. a brothel-owner who protects the ladies in his employ and does not sully them with his magnificent body and allows them carte blanche to choose which lover will have the privilege of bedding and paying for them. but the ladies are more fun. dare is at once the wide-eyed virgin who has never felt anything stirring in her ladybits, but she is also a badass blue-haired fighter, and when those ladybits begin to stir, she is pretty enthusiastic about it. the other lady is part cat. 'nuff said.
another is the lack of ridiculous sexual euphemisms. manroot, honey-pot, love-stick... a cock by any other name does not smell as sweet. erm... but you know what i mean. this book contained sex-without-evasion. and as little as i am able to become aroused by the written word, i would objectively classify these sex scenes as "hot."
although the hygiene-queen in me revolts at the sex-in-the bath scene that follows dare shed(ding) her grime-covered clothes before lowering herself into its soothing depths. after both of them have been fighting, and traveling, and becoming filthy, the last thing you want is to get all intimate in a tub full of floating leaves and washed-off blood and dirt etc. seriously - none of these novels ever take into account the pain of a UTI, do they?
but, so points for characters, points for straightforward intercourse terminology, and points for being two separate novellas progressing one storyline. that way, we had all the characters involved, but we didn't have to become bored with one POV for 350+ pages. smart move. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW that the story does not get resolved in this book. so i guess more is forthcoming. and if i were to continue this series, it would be on my own, without the filmy-gauze protection of saying i am reading it for the bodice-rippers group.
will i do it?? will i make that leap?? your guess is as good as mine.(less)
i don't think i have ever had less to say about a book.
i read this under circumstances pretty much guaranteed to distract me from the book, but the b...morei don't think i have ever had less to say about a book.
i read this under circumstances pretty much guaranteed to distract me from the book, but the book wasn't doing me any favors as far as trying to hold my attention, so we both contributed to our failure.
oh, by the way - i haven't written a book review in days and days, and i have nothing substantive to say about this book, so if you are one of these people who are going to attack me for "not writing about the book," you can pretty much stop reading here and feel secure in your assessment of me as a reviewer. this is just going to be my "welcome back to goodreads" easing back into review. later, i will be re-reviewing a different book,and it will be all about the book, and you guys can go wander over there if you want. this space is going to just be "karen's journey with this book"
so.
this is another punishment from the bodice-rippers group. but this one i brought upon myself. i was in charge of selecting the books for the monthly poll. i tried to cast a wide net, to please the rippers. i chose an mma-themed romance, one with a clone, a self-pub mythological romance, a fantasy/romance genre blend, and one which was supposed to be the absolute worst romance ever written. and this.
this one caught my eye because i misread the back-cover copy and i thought the love-interest was a sea god, and having always had a little crush on poseidon, i was intrigued.
but it is not about love with a sea-god. sea-god is the enemy. and it isn't sexy poseidon, anyway.
so here are the book's contributions to our failures:
- it is the fourth in a series.perhaps i missed something in the earlier books that would have led to a more loving relationship with this book, but - oops.
- the protagonist is just another weight-conscious female who has many many men interested in her, but she is having commitment issues and pushing away the one she really likes because of silly logistics.
- boring writing. how can a town full of people with magical powers be boring, you ask? well, it is.
- "cannot" and "do not." this bothers me. contractions are nice! your character is a graphic illustrator for the teen market, dresses sloppily and eats cream puffs and cake pretty much constantly. she's not a stuffy person. this is just a jarring tic, to me.
my contributions to the book's failure:
- i was on vacation when i read this. not fun relaxing vacation - i do not have those. but weird stressful lonely vacation. so frequently when it was reading time, i was distracted/tipsy/exhausted. i tried reading this by the pool and instead became fascinated by this giant grasshopper and concerned for its safety. i tried reading this in my hotel room and was concerned about strange noises and ghosts and where that other door led. i tried reading this outside and was distracted by the novelty of incoming texts and professional failures.i was tired, so tired. i was lonesome.
but i really believe that i could have been compelled to forget all of that if the book were more engaging. it was just fluff to me.
i wish i had something more interesting to say about it, but i don't, because it was never interesting enough to say anything about.
i am not going to write a serious review of this book. if you want to talk about why bondage erotica is bad for women or how negation porn makes its r...more i am not going to write a serious review of this book. if you want to talk about why bondage erotica is bad for women or how negation porn makes its readers complicit in the victimization of women halfway across the globe or to sip tea and talk about depersonalization or dehumanization or anything even remotely intelligent - more power to you, but this book bored me so much i don't even care to elevate it or grant it any sort of intellectual discussion. i am really only interested in talking about why this book is boring.
i have said it before on here, but it bears repeating: despite my recent fascination with monster erotica, i personally find reading about sex boring. but even more boring than reading about sex? reading about non-sex. which is basically what this book is.
despite the lingering on the violence and the restraining, piercing, branding, whipping, the sex act itself is glossed over to the extent that at one point o has taken on several lovers, to completion, in the span of three sentences.
for example, the last line in the book:
it was only after daybreak, after all the dancers had left, that sir stephen and the commander, awakening natalie who was asleep at o's feet, helped o to her feet, led her to the middle of the courtyard, unfastened her chain and removed her mask and, laying her back upon a table, possessed her one after the other.
penthouse letters, that is not.
and it's all like that.
but sir stephen's hands pried open her loins, forced the buttocks' portal, retreated, took her again, caressed her until she moaned.
obviously, this is intended to be a sadean experiment in impersonal and objectified sex, but more detail is given in this book to the construction of dresses than to the sex act. and that's fine, like i said, i have no regrets at not reading about "glistening honey-pots" or "man-roots."but at least that would have gotten a giggle out of me.
and why am i the only one reading lactation porn and wondering who is supposed to clean up after it? and reading this and completely focusing on the hygiene?? the fact that her lover will not permit her to wear underwear. fine. but then he will also not let her sit upon her dress, so no matter where she is: on a bar stool, at a restaurant, in the backseat of a public conveyance, she is always bare-assed, and bare-"bellied" directly on the seats.and that grossed me out more than any of the more violent tearing and whipping and piercing she undergoes.do you know where that barstool has been? then don't go rubbing your open bits about on it!seriously. why would your lover/master want you to get scabies? it is contagious!
and don't go bloodying up the good towels after a rough session of buttsecks.it's so nasty.
this is what i took from story of o and i apologize, but i have my hang-ups same as anyone, and i just feel like a place like roissy, with all those bodily fluids squirting everywhere and all the blood all over the floor and how often do they clean those riding crops??? is all i could think about.
it is interesting that the bodice rippers chose this book to read during the height of fifty shades of gray mania. here are some pictures from the fifty shades event at my store:
seriously, do you see how many people are there?
insanity. i wasn't able to get a good photo of the author, just the woman interviewing her, but she was there, i swear.
as you can see, female-penned BDSM erotica is insanely popular.(is that redundant??is there BDSM that is just casual and unerotic? yes! and it is this book!) and i get why this book (story of o, i do not yet understand the shades phenomenon)is a BIG DEAL because at the time, it was unprecedented that a woman would have written such a violent and debasing novel. but i read it now and i can't help but think, "is that all??"
incidentally,this fifty shades phenomenon is out of hand. little old ladies reading bondage porn has got to be one of the signs of the end times.
and of course i am totally anti-censorship, but if that book is as dull as this one, who's to say that they aren't dodging a bullet here by not being allowed to read it.
full disclosure: i read a shitty translation. i am sure manny will come out and say it is better in its original language, and of that i have no doubt. but i honestly don't feel that i would have enjoyed it any better in french, even if my fluency in that language had not been severely compromised by years of disuse.
i read this first when i was in high school, when i thought that subversive literature would be cool. i read some de sade and i read story of the eye, and i read this, and honestly, it just bored the crap out of me. but i thought i still had my copy lying around. turns out, i did not. and i wasn't going to buy a new copy when the bodicers chose this book because i figured, quite rightly, that i wouldn't enjoy it any more the second time around than i had on the first. i read the introduction of the hard copy on my break at work, and i ended up borrowing a nook so's i could read it without having to shell out the whopping 8 bucks for it. and the introduction is worth reading, if you are interested in the history of its translation:
there exists an earlier translation of o, made in paris several years ago. i trust i shall not be accused of a corresponding lack of generosity if i say (and i am not the first, and far from the only one, to say it) that this earlier version is less a translation than an adaptation. it reads somehow as though the adapter-translator were in fact embarrassed by the work: certain parts are glossed over; whole descriptions, nonexistent in the original, are written in; and, indeed, much of the book is paraphrased rather than translated directly. as one who had read the work in french when it first appeared, and admired not only its contents but the extreme felicity of the style, what troubled me mostly about the earlier english version was its seeming disdain for this obvious style. subsequently, i learned this translator was a man, and it seemed to me that this fact alone sufficed to explain both the embarrassment - male embarrassment manifest in his version, and also why pauline reage had gone out of her way to comment favorably on mine: story of o, written by a woman, demands a woman translator, one who will humble herself before the work and be satisfied simply to render it, as faithfully as possible, without interpretation or unwanted elaboration. faced with a work such as o, male pride, male superiority - however liberal the male, however much he may try to suppress them - will, i am certain, somehow intrude.
now, i don't know about all that, but i do know that the translation i read was atrocious. it was boring. and at one point, it cuts off abruptly, and i was like "weird," so i went to the hard copy only to find that eleven "pages" were missing in the electronic version! what the hell?
as grateful as i am that lulu press exists, because they gave semen recipes to the world, i do not think they have the best copyeditors.not only were the ELEVEN pages missing, but there were roughly a million typos, which are terribly distracting when you are trying to focus on the buttsecks. and those pages were the whole part about her and jacqueline and the command sir stephen gives o regarding jacqueline, and is kind of a big deal, plot-wise, and is followed by one of the only interesting sections in the book, where she contemplates her role in sir stephen's orbit, and speculates upon his intent and his feelings blah blah. but stephen is such a douche ,who cares, right?
but so why am i not going to go back and read the "better" translation? because that sums it up: i really don't care. i just wanted to let everyone know that if you are interested in reading this book, DO NOT read the version on the nook or kindle or the POD lulu press one. because from what i can tell, it definitely is just an adaptation, and since you probably aren't going to go learning french just to read this book, if you are going to read it, READ IT.
AND OH MY GOD!!!
i wrote all that part yesterday, but i didn't post it because i wanted to do a side-by-side comparison of the text on the nook and the text in the hard copy, so i had to wait until i was at work to take notes and everything and I WAS WRONG! they are exactly the same. so this is not just an adaptation-mistranslation. this is the one that is supposed to be "good". that reage praised.
holy hell.
this ruins my whole review, but i do not care enough to rewrite it and this may well be my worst review ever, but i don't even care because this book bored the shit out of me TWICE and that should not be rewarded.
in more personal news, (because the rest of this review has been such intensive impersonal lit-crit, i know...)i read this on the new glow-y nook.
which is pretty cool. were i ever to buy a device for myself, i would probably buy the glow-y one because i like to read while i am walking and it is much easier to read on a nook while walking than a book because you can do it all one-handed (LGM) but the problem i was having was with night-walking, and the light-em-up feature solves all of that. i can also late-night read without the lights on. i want to read something scarrrry on it, all alone in the dark, and see what happens.
SPOOKY!!
even maggie approves:
and, no - barnes and noble is not making me say this. i actually like this thing. and if i could get one for free and get all my books on it for free like i do when i borrow one, my life would be awesome. as is, it is just mediocre. like this review. no - this review sucks. like the book.
i am probably going to spoil huge chunks of plot in this review. and i am okay with that. there is no way anyone is reading this book f...moremorning, sunny!
i am probably going to spoil huge chunks of plot in this review. and i am okay with that. there is no way anyone is reading this book for the articles. this is just about the frequent and inexplicable intercourse between some bipolar couples and their friends.
oh, bodice ripper club, the things i read for you.
people seem to love this book/series. and i don't want to rip on a beloved series, so let me just say right here that i am completely the wrong market for erotica. i don't get hot and bothered by it, i tend to approach it too analytically, and attempt to find reasons for the characters' actions, and that is just completely not in the right spirit. but i can't help it - writing is very important to me.
and carter just might be the stupidest male lead i have ever read. "wait, so it's not okay that i painted all these naked pictures of you for my show without your permission??" "wait, so you don't think it is an appropriate surprise that i bring you my best friend to fuck??" "it's okay if i call you "mine," though, right?? mine mine mine??? girl?? mine??? and now i can go to your place of employ, "stalk you against the wall," and then throw you over my shoulder and carry you off in front of everyone like you are my captive squaw and ima stick my gigantic cock up your bum? we're cool, right?" "it is okay if i shoot whipped cream all up in your "hot pussy," right? there's no sort of medical reason that this would be a bad idea, right? is sexy?"
gross.
there is a lot of gross here. the threesome-as-surprise-gift is squicky-gross. and then it is mirrored in the other couple? fool me once...it is not a good valentine's day present, if your thoughts were headed that way. sex is sex - it can be fun and meaningless, but if you have been "in love" with someone for two years, and you have finally talked yourself into her bed as a business arrangement (which entire scene made me upchuck a little), and after two weeks or- god even less i think - you are already bringing in a pinch-hitter because you think it is what she wants - well, that is some weird definition of love, buddy.next time, just try flowers. NO DON'T PUT THE FLOWERS THERE!!! a vase will be fine.
erotica just always makes me laugh.
"good, girl. i've got plenty of lube, but no guarantee i can fuck you slow once i'm buried balls deep in this sweet, untried ass, understand?"
i mean - erotica's purpose is to make the reader aroused, and to transport themselves into the action of the story, right? to make them want to be the, not heroine - what's the right word for this character - umm sex toilet? but it is just not working, for me.i am untransported. cunt clit hot suck lick balls fuck fuck fuck blah blah blah. bring all the ropes you want, shove all the dildos into all the butts, have a dream about gay cowboys... i just can't become aroused by this. i am too busy laughing. sex is so weird. do people really say "christ on a crutch" in the middle of first-time anal? how can you take a lover seriously who says "get me wet with that hot fuckin' mouth." i would be giggling about that the next morning over eggs florentine or something. "heh heh - that hot fuckin' mouth. you tool." i am a shitty lover.
oh, god, and the weird bossiness. actual quote followed by what would be a reasonable response, in this scenario:
"lift up." he tapped her butt. in the split second she raised her hips, he grabbed her thighs to slide her closer to his torso and draped her knees over his shoulders. carter raised her ass high in his hands at an angle as he buried his face in her pussy."omigod." the only parts of her still touching the ground were her shoulder blades and the back of her head. "hold still. jesus, let me have more than a taste before i drop you."he licked up her slit. alternating the flat of his tongue with just the flickering tip. then he fastened his mouth to her clit and began to suck. when her whole body shook, he slapped her ass and growled, "hold still goddammit. i've been dyin' to get my mouth on you."
WELL, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT ME IN THIS FUCKING POSITION, YOU MORON!! DIDN'T YOU READ THAT THE ONLY PARTS OF ME STILL TOUCHING THE GROUND (AND THANK YOU FOR THAT - THE FUCKING GROUND - REAL FUCKING CLASSY) ARE MY FUCKING SHOULDER BLADES AND THE BACK OF MY HEAD??? CAN WE NOT GET SOME PILLOWS UP IN HERE??
seriously - someone props me up like that, they better be strong enough to follow through and not complain like a bitch that i am moving. you got a problem with motion? go fuck a corpse, asshole.
i don't know what else i can really add to this. if you like erotica, you will probably like it, because there are many many many scenes of hot kinky sex. but the plot that ties it all together is threadbare and nonsensical. and the characters are just terrible humans who deserve a passel of STDs. (less)
wildly implausible on so many levels, but it's christmas! forget the unlikelihood o...more make the yuletide gay...
aww, i thought this was such a sweet story.
wildly implausible on so many levels, but it's christmas! forget the unlikelihood of troo love occurring in three days, and the consequences of decisions requiring an unhealthy and absolute faith in the goodness of mankind and the most bizarre choice for love-over-duty this side of bastard out of carolina.
and forget...an ocelot??
nah, don't forget the ocelot. this is l.a., after all.
all joking aside, this book was not nearly as bad as an m/m christmas novella with the word "dickens" in the title could have been. in fact, i wanted it to be much worse. i wanted a runaway freight train of "dickens" puns peppering every page. no such luck.
instead, it is a perfectly serviceable light romance, that managed to hit me in my particulars because this time of year, a character who works at a barnes and noble during the christmas season and says things like:
Ebenezer Scrooge would have learned a few things about the dark side of humanity if he’d happened to work in a national chain bookstore three days before Christmas. The depressing fact is, no one reads anymore. Most of the people collecting books don’t even read them. Book collecting is very hot, don’t get me wrong. In certain circles rare books are considered sexy and exotic. But for the average person, books remind them of the bad old days of homework and report cards. For these folks, books and bookstores are the last resort, the last desperate option for befuddled holiday-makers who have run out of ideas for presents for people they don’t know that well. Books rank somewhere between a tie and a box of chocolates. It’s a book or go home empty-handed—and empty-handed means again facing the stores and parking lots that one frightening day closer to Christmas.
has me in his corner.
tell me about it, brother...
and, man, did this book ever make me want a sugar daddy, just for the meals!there is so much food in this "book." i was totally turned on by the descriptions of the things they were putting in their mouths, more than any of their intercourse. (in which other things were being put into mouths)
he was speaking around a mouthful of French toast that had been stuffed with ricotta, cream cheese and honey, sautéed then baked to plump and moist perfection.
I avoided meeting his eyes by paying strict attention to a breakfast burrito stuffed with eggs, cheese, smoked chicken sausage, roasted peppers and chilies
A white teapot, two gold-rimmed china cups, a jar of honey, a small basket of muffins and nut breads, a bowl of fresh berries. One plate offered eggs Benedict with shaved honey ham and what appeared to be an herbed Hollandaise sauce. Another plate had thick round Belgian waffles, richly, sweetly scented of vanilla, cinnamon and topped with whipped cream, fresh strawberries and pecans.
that made me so hot.
but that doesn't mean that in between all the eating and sexing, the characters didn't have time to focus on the true meaning of christmas!
“God hears all our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.”
religion! and boning!
and you gotta love this character's priorities:
And if you weren’t into Christmas what was there to do? No bookstores were open. No libraries. Nothing useful was open.
agreed on all counts!
a not at all painful selection from the RBRS! i wonder if the christmas cat romance would have been as painless...(less)
janet flanner, in the new yorker claims that her writing has a "shine like crystal." and that's probably true, i...morenope. i do not like marguerite duras.
janet flanner, in the new yorker claims that her writing has a "shine like crystal." and that's probably true, if one is observing that it is as pointy and depthless as crystal, as chill and remote, as something that refracts emptily. ooooh duras BURN!!
if this is a literary bodice ripper, i gotta say i prefer the crappy contemporary ones. this one isn't even intense with the taut tingling of repression, which also has its place and is something i can appreciate - it doesn't all have to be desperate passions and rending of garments, but this zombie vacuity does nothing for me - nothing nothing nothing. there is nothing at stake here, just people blinking emptily at each other, speaking words with no momentum behind them, frequently non sequiturs so it seems as though they are involved in separate conversations. lack of quotation marks so that when one character will reluctantly, languidly plop out a sentence, you sometimes don't even know which one is speaking, unless there is a back-and-forth, and then you can use context or whatever. but the one isolated word or phrase in a scene when two people are just sitting around existing, who knows who is speaking? who cares?
and i am not just pouting because no one but me wanted to read zola for the literary smut portion of our rippings, i swear. i did not like The Lover when i read it, but i had hope nonetheless. this one sounded like it could be interesting. but the french have this habit of creating highly stylized works of art that leave me cold. why do they do that? very infuriating, frenchies...
i know all the other rippers will have informed and intelligent things to say about this, and my frazzled and sweaty frustration will be coolly counteracted by more reasonable ladies (and a dude or two) with elegant and refined responses examining the psychology of characters such as these, and what duras is trying to accomplish be portraying them in this way, but i am a monster and i bust down the door and say "boring boring boring boring!!!"
but then we began a slow shift into the fantasy genre and now everyone's getting all smart. i did not sign up for intellectual discussions!! i signed up for giggling about "throbbing members"
hmmm... maybe i was always the only one giggling while everyone else was contributing intellectual gems.
story of my life.
eh! mentioned in the group that she thought this wouldn't be a very good book for infrequent fantasy readers, but from where i am sitting, i have to disagree. after reading her review, she feels like she would have enjoyed this way back when, in the throes of her fantasy reading, but because she has read too much (and better) in the genre, this one left her flat. as someone who is pretty much brand-new to the genre, i don't have any background, the tropes aren't worn out to me; this is all new ground. and so i probably liked it more than people who have read extensively in the genre and may be picking up on stuff that may be derivative. if i read fantasy more exclusively, i many have found less to like.
because, yeah - i thought this was fun. i liked the names and the casual attitude towards magic and the outfits - if these characters were on project runway, i think it would be a great season. necromancer v. demon v. transgendered consort. oh, tim gunn would have his hands full.
but i am starting to enjoy my tentative dips into fantasy (and i know i have to dip into eh's box of generosity ♥) i like not knowing the rules because then i don't have any expectations. i never feel like "aha! i saw that coming!!" because fantasy can do whatever it wants, it can just casually toss in some vampires and body switching and what can you do?? you just keep reading because it's fantasy and anything goes! i mean, obviously it has to remain true to the built world, but magic is a pretty convenient deus ex machina for wrapping shit up.
but this doesn't feel lazy. she really managed to create a dense world here. there are a lot of details. i got confused a bit, which may have been because i didn't read the first book in the series, or it may be because i frequently get confused in crazy world-building scenarios with the magic and the different races and the unfamiliar politics. i'm not even solid on the history of the british monarchy, don't expect me to keep fake kings and queens in my head...
but it kept me engaged as a reader. of all the members of this bodice rippers group, i think i am the most tolerant of the books we have read. i haven't hated any of them, even when they weren't to my taste. some have been silly, some frivolous, some could have used some editing/sensitivity training, but they have been nice escapes from my otherwise intensely intellectual reading regimen. (insert implied snort here) this one is probably the best written of all the ones we have read, although i enjoyed world house more, for all its puppy-sloppiness.
ugh.
i'm sure elizabeth and ceridwen et al. will write more incisive reviews of this when they read it. if i were you, i would wait for those.(less)
please excuse emily from work today. she has so many physical ailments, i felt it was best to put her to bed immediately. among...moreto whom it may concern:
please excuse emily from work today. she has so many physical ailments, i felt it was best to put her to bed immediately. among her complaints are: flushed thighs, racing blood, loss/faltering of breath, redness of cheeks, melting bones, burning skin, racing pulse, and "explosions." using webmd.com, i have concluded she has either a panic disorder, a snake bite, dermatitis, or herpes simplex. at any rate, i felt it was best to keep her home, away from zac, in whose presence these symptoms seem to become more pronounced.
i am perfectly comfortable being the only one who liked this book in the online book club full of haters, and i declare it to be better than any other...morei am perfectly comfortable being the only one who liked this book in the online book club full of haters, and i declare it to be better than any other book we have read since i have been a member of the group. suck on that, iron duke!!
but i think i was predisposed to liking this based on a lifetime of choices.
quick - some personal backstory.
the first movie i ever saw in a theater was flash gordon. i used to go to the rocky horror picture show weekly when i was in high school, and was briefly in the live cast in front of the screen. (magenta, obviously) i love queen. and unicorns.
let's just say i am a fan of camp and call it a day.
but most importantly, most importantly of all - i love clue. and clue is camp. and i'm not just talking about colleen camp:
but big deal, right? who doesn't like clue? it is pretty much a cult classic, there are midnight screenings of it and it has a great cast and it is a guilty-pleasure romp for many people. yeah, but "you people", can you quote the whole thing?? can you watch it four or five times in a row and keep laughing?? do you own the novelization of the film?? or let's try an easier one to thin the herd - do you own the soundtrack?? i do. i own the recent-issue limited edition soundtrack, of which only 3000 copies were made available to order on the internet.and it ain't no fan-job - there is a pullout booklet with interviews and stills from the movie, and includes music that never even made it into the film! and connor gave it to me. and it is awesome. and i had it on in the background while i read this book.
jealous??
probably not, but it was fantastic.
it is one of the best and most appropriate scores to any movie ever, and i have no idea why it was never made available before this. and of course, i was occasionally quoting along with the movie, as i read - filling in the dialogue in between the flourishes of horns and harpsichord. and it was the perfect background music to this fast-paced, manic book, but honestly, i also just wanted a chance to brag about how i have this and you don't and connor is the greatest for surprising me with it.
but so the book. aw, joel is a big ole meanie. and greg is a sad and disappointed reader.
and joel needs to go back and count his autistic-capitals before he starts hucking stones around - there are eleven in her first appearance. i agree that it is more pronounced in her later chapters, but they are there. in her second sentence, even. go see! she was actually my favorite character, and i continue to insist that mark haddon = bad, francis x stork = good.
but i don't want to defend this book too much - this is a book that occasionally oversteps itself, but it is like an adorable beagle puppy with those full-grown beagle feet that trips over everything in its enthusiasm, but you know it loves you and wants you to have fun.
that beagle is sad because it knows greg and joel did not have fun.
this book has the scope and number of characters of infinite jest compressed into a much smaller frame with some jonathan carroll-y concepts and it is just the first part of something!! who knows when or where it will end?
but at the end of the day, it is, like clue a book about a bunch of strangers trapped in a house, trying to solve a mystery.
elise is the miss scarlet - a tough stripper trying to make ends meet,carruthers is the col. mustard - the bluff culturally sexist man who knows his way around a gun, penelope is the mrs white - the manipulator of men, who gets plenty of shitty dialogue in the film, but the delivery of madeline kahn will rescue shitty dialogue:
-how many husbands have you had, mrs white? -mine or other women's? -yours. -five. -five? -yes, just the five. men should be like kleenex, soft strong and disposable.
i mean - that is terrible dialogue, and some of the writing in this book reads like that, but if you are clue in spirit and heart, this will delight you rather than annoying you.i found it playful, tongue-in-cheek. it is supposed to be pulp, after all - this was never intended to oust tolkien from his throne of "king of fantasy."
yes, there are a lot of characters, yes some of them have rather affected and inconsistent ways of talking. but i am also the only person in america who watched the full run of the miniseries persons unknown on nbc. this show was truly terrible, but i like alan ruck, so i had to watch it. and it had - believe me when i tell you - the worrrrst dialogue ever, and it was just a terrible terrible show about a group of people flung into a town from which they could not escape - sort of like the prisoner, but with many prisoners and i watched the whole season and it was just dreadful but i needed to know how it would all end but then in the last episode even though they never intended it to be more than a one season show, they introduced this whole new element which was the starting point for what could have been a kick-ass premise for a second season and they just... ended.
so my point is i have patience and a high threshold for something if i wanna see how it ends. and i totally enjoyed this, and am interested in the sequel, even though if it ended here, i would be perfectly content. lack of resolution does not faze me, i like david lynch and infinite jest after all.
but if you want to talk about how to get thirteen people in a box, i know someone...
this is my first angry robot book, even though i have bought several, and encouraged their sales to friends and strangers. despite any literary-merit arguments from the naysayers, you gotta admit they make a good-looking book, and almost every one of their books sounds like it would be fun to read: zombie private eyes, knife-fighting game shows, an urban king arthur - these people know how to catch my eye. and i love their cross-promotion. on the back of this one, it says "if you like this try: daniel r. galouye - simulacron-3, tad williams, otherland, clive barker - weaveworld,which is totally generous to promote books from other publishers, but it also recommends sixty one nails and bookman from their own house. i think this is charming. i like this tactic. the readers' adviser in me also likes the other little inset box that gives a sense of what themes the book contains."worlds within worlds, a sinister prisoner,dimensional mayhem, break out!"
nice.
there was this record label out of england in the early nineties called sarah. and they were just an indie jangle pop label and many of their bands sounded similar and sounded like they should all be on the same label: heavenly and the field mice and blueboy and the sea urchins and they were great - you could make a mix of their bands and ensure that the tone would not be jarring from song to song. and this is how i feel angry robot operates - they just publish stuff that they want to read - stuff that is pulpy and fun and a little silly that has no pretentions to high-lit, but is just fun and giggly to read.
zombies. kraken. pirates. automatons. marriage reform. nanotech. mongols. just another classic steampunk romance, right? or maybe not - this is my fir...morezombies. kraken. pirates. automatons. marriage reform. nanotech. mongols. just another classic steampunk romance, right? or maybe not - this is my first one.
it was crazy - none of the other bodice rippers wanted to read the shapeshifter romance!! come on guys!!shapeshifters!!! romance!!! i am so curious about the mechanics of it, but i am not going to read one without the protective cloak of the rest of the rippers.
so -steampunk...
i mean, honestly, there wasn't anything wrong with this book; it replicated a lot of the typical romance conventions and fell into the same booby-traps (which is totally not the right word, but i got to say "booby") - two strong-willed people like this shouldn't really spend this much time running away from each other, legitimate reasons or no. sex should not be this complicated. in this book, racial and gender issues were legitimate roadblocks, but between the two of them they had guns and money and a title and and self-confidence and an iron freaking skeleton - these two should not have anything standing in the way of whatever they want. these are the kind of people who tell other people the way things are going to be, not sheep people who are slaves to silly societal norms. i mean, i personally would not have put up with his sexual pushiness, but she seems okay with occasionally being pushed up against a wall and getting the physical equivalent of "you mean yes when you say no, right??" so to each his own.
but he is such a schizophrenic male lead. sometimes he is a calculating pushy rapist, sometimes he is all secret philanthropy and delicate treatment of the feelings of others.but who needs consistency? who reads to reconcile conflicting personality traits?? shes got a burning knot, he's got a hot ridge of flesh - these crazy kids were made to clench and twine and growl and clutch and rub!! we are in romance country, it doesn't need to make sense or have any real-world applications!
and her - she can save kids from monsters but she can't figure out how to get laid?? this world is kind of awesome; i would much rather have had the conflict be external (zombie, war, monsters) than internal "noooo don't put your mouth on my vagina, it makes me too craaaaazy". i mean, there is plenty of external conflict, i just think her sexual resistance was (while explained adequately) retarted and less interesting than zombies.
but the rest of it was pretty fun. i should probably read more fantasy, so i can get those muscles honed, because it took me more time than i care to admit to get myself situated in this world. i had to go back and reread several pages over and over, and it wasn't her fault, it was me - there were so many details that i had trouble cementing them in this here swiss-cheese brain.
so, for a bodice ripper read, it was better than most. i like reading things i would never read otherwise - it makes me (a) broad.(less)
oh, god, twincest humor;...morethe origin of twincest:
"go fuck yourself!!"
...don't mind if i do.
hahaahhahahahahaaa
hey twins, get a womb!!
hahhahhaahahahahahaa
oh, god, twincest humor; i kill me!
twins are the devil's joke on Man, and by now, you all should know my feelings on them, so i am just briefly reminding you, so you know what a SACRIFICE i made in reading this book.
and also, erotica is boring, to me. it's just people fucking. books about everest are awesome because i have never climbed everest. sex, i am familiar with that. m/m sex - this is something i have never done, obviously, so it makes it a scootch more interesting, but at the end of the day, it is still body parts entering other body parts. and if i walked into that room, they wouldn't be like, "come, join in!!", so that part of the mystique of self-insertion (careful with the word-choices, karen) into the scene is removed altogether.*
i think sage whistler (certainly her real name) recognized this, and decided to take it one step further. and so: TWINCEST!!! oh, the sultry taboo!! imagine having four hands to masturbate with!! imagine the early formative 69-in-the-womb backstories!! don't ask, don't tell, indeed...(she also has a book entitled pets, of which i am terrified, but must at least take a look at...)
this is hard to rate, so i am not going to star-rate it. on the one hand, it is fuck-larious. on the other hand, there are some problems. for example, "six foot four inches of Emilio Trinovantes stood in the doorway with his big arms crossed over an equally big chest...his height, which was slightly shorter than the twins...the only concession to their father's genes in their build was their height, six-one, and wide shoulders."
okay, so i am no mathematician, but i am positive six-four is taller than six-one. and arms that are equally as big as a chest would be cause for concern.
i also felt icky when one twin repeatedly called the other twin "babe". this is just a personal thing - that word is way skeevy, so the twinniness of it is irrelevant.
and i know it is difficult to find synonyms for "come", but this is not a sexy alternative: "joshua almost came himself. the only thing that saved him from spending was thinking how much better it would be when he came inside of jaime."
SPENDING?? uck.
but this book is a must-read, because i am pretty sure laughter helps you lose weight, makes you smarter, and cures the blues all at once.
it's not much for character development, it is 83 pages and they have sex like ten times, so that doesn't leave much room for psychological insight, but there is some external conflict in in the form of a bully and the to-tell-or-not-to-tell the taller/shorter older brother. plus a lot of male-chickens.
so, despite twins (shudder), despite miles of boning, twincest as a literary concept has to get five stars, right?? we have come a long way, baby...moll flanders just isn't shocking enough for us, anymore...twincest 2011 woot! RBRS 4-eva!!!
* and of course, this is negated by the fact that i have read not ONE but TWO books in the M/M series the administration, which i maintain are excellent books, and more like a cool dystopian series with erotic scenes than erotic literature.(less)
JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO EDIT THIS!! THIS MASCOT COMPETITION IS TURNING INTO SOME MISS AMERICA SCANDAL!! WALBERT IS BACK IN...moreJESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO EDIT THIS!! THIS MASCOT COMPETITION IS TURNING INTO SOME MISS AMERICA SCANDAL!! WALBERT IS BACK IN THE RUNNING. HE HAS NO SHOT OF WINNING, BUT LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS!!! LOOOOOOK!! COMPARED TO THE BEE, HE IS THE PMOAT!!!
as an aside- i really hate that bee, and it would make the site look like one for doofy toddlers, not bookish adults. i can stand to lose to a hedgehog, but that bee has got to go down (LGM)
so but zombies.
this book was much more enjoyable than i had feared. humorous zombie books are tricky to pull off. on the one hand, a creature that only wants to eat your brains is funny. on the other hand- seriously - it really wants to eat your brains. that's not funny.
but i found myself reluctantly charmed by this couple and their struggles to maintain their relationship and not get turned into zombies, all in the same day. thankfully, they had seen some zombie movies (which they were not afraid to reference). the "figuring out" part of zombie movies and books is always a real downer. "what are these creatures?? what do they want???" please. if i go outside today and see someone shuffling down the street, head cocked, moaning a little, i am going to crossbow it in the head. and if it is simply a stroke victim - well, mea culpa. you would have been thanking me if it was a zombie. but when characters waste too much time scratching their heads and wondering "what do we dooooo?", it just frustrates the audience.
this book had good ass-kickery mixed with actual humor (i.e. - humor that made me laugh, not just cheap placeholder humor) and a bonus cult situation. the surprises never felt contrived - there were some genuinely intense moments, and i ended up rooting for the pair to rekindle their love and shoot some corpses in the head. good times.
on halloween, i was read-walking this very book down the street, and i saw the saddest thing: a little princess had rung the doorbell of an old man's house, and he opened the door and bellowed "no trick or treaters!!!" dude! just don't answer the door, no need to be a jerk about it.i kind of wish she had been a zombie, and had eaten him. then i wrote a story in my head where all the trick-or-treaters were zombies and i walked a little more quickly to escape them.
in summary:
bee= bad this book = good.
also - just for the record - i do not like how this book tore the rbrs apart into two factions. can we come together again for next month, pleeeeeze??(less)
there could be spoilers, i don't know... i have been drinking....
so, this is my first foray into the bodice rippers group's reading list. i don't know...morethere could be spoilers, i don't know... i have been drinking....
so, this is my first foray into the bodice rippers group's reading list. i don't know, it wasn't as bad as either of the two romance novels i had to read for my readers' advisory class, but then again it also wasn't as unintentionally funny as either of them. it was actually quite sad. a sad book about reaching out with a vagina in order to find love.
it chronicles the great american dream for women of the recent past - find a nice enough well-off husband, get married, have kids,tend house, play tennis,make pot roast, find yourself terribly bored,attempt suicide, have an affair or two, stay with husband for the sake of the children or whatever, close book. poor wifey. she has a nightmare husband and i do not buy any sympathetic last minute bullshit.
and i am glad that i waited to write this review until after the season premier of mad men, because they have their similarities - poor bored betty draper has one little affair and ends up marrying the guy and she gets called "a whore" by the man whose day is incomplete without an infidelity or two. at least here, the affairs are frequently a little more giggly and overt.
suburbia is a whirlwind of sexuality. there are masturbating motorcyclists on front lawns, pornographic anonymous phone calls, husbands and wives swapping and topless parties and just that general fug of desperate sex that makes me feel so sorrowful inside. the faux-permissiveness where it is all right to fuck someone else's husband, but still have weird hang-ups about the body - ugh.
now, i have no interest in playing tennis or raising kids, but i still am a bit of a chauvinist.i don't know, even though she is frigid and a terrible mother and has a shittily distant (now ex) husband, i sort of envy betty draper. if i had her life, i would just be curled up all day, reading. i would probably ignore the kids as much as she does, but i would have a maid for them to play with, so whatever. all i would have to do is like toss some shit in aspic and call it a meal, smoke some cigarettes, and look pretty. the rest of the time would be all me-time. and that's all i want. i like my job just fine, but if i didn't have to work, if all i had to do was read all day and occasionally frost a cake? i would be in fun city.
but wifey is a sad story. she does not read all day.and that's what gets her gonorrhea. now, i am no whore, but my genitals, they have had some fun. but what she is having here, with her multiple infidelities, is not fun. it is more like revenge and science, all rolled into one.
and this is judy blume! the woman who taught us about menses and nocturnal emissions and fat chicks and divorce and who made me cry every time i read tiger eyes! and i never read forever, but i know very well, what that book taught young girls.
make infidelity sound more fun, judy blume!!
regardless, these are the things i have learned from this particular judy blume book:
if a lady touches a man's nipples, it makes him a fag.
women are jealous of the size of other women's nipples.
if she has sex with him on top, she is just some women's libber trying to overpower her man
you can hook up with your gynecologist and continue to go to him with your vagina for medical reasons and it just isn't awkward at all!
i am doing sex all wrong!
overall, the book is very all right. it is not comical enough to poke fun at, and it is not good enough to really like. but it is a fast read, with no headaches; it is a fine one-day diversion.
now there are some strawberries that have been marinating on the champagne at the bottom of this glass that need my attention...(less)
during my looong loong indentured servitude at the book factory, i have witnessed the discovery of many ridiculous and shudder-fun books.
connor discov...moreduring my looong loong indentured servitude at the book factory, i have witnessed the discovery of many ridiculous and shudder-fun books.
and we all had a laugh over it. we naturally assumed the title was a reference to what the male lead character did, he would um.. fulk reluctant ladies. (yes, we were essentially laughing at a rape joke - we are not good people). and i refused to return it, even though it wasn't selling, and eventually it went down to a dollar (LGM), and i just bought it as a souvenir of bookstore laughter.
and when this fine bodice ripper group asked for suggestions for what to read next, i offered this one up, only half-seriously.
so guys, i am sorry. i truly am.
this is not a good book.
it is not even a successful romance novel. women read romance novels for the titillating descriptions of love and intercourse. in this book, the first act of vaginal penetration is on page 270.that is a lot of book to get through for some underwhelming sexitude.
but is it at least full of closeness and restrained passions and longing looks, like the sexy bits of twilight? nah, not really. mostly just boring but plenty of double entendre passages that may or may not be intentional.
"gripping her lance, she put her horse into a gallop. she leveled the shaft at the proper angle over her mount's withers and aimed for the small disc at the end of the quintain's arm. a squeeze of her legs brought a final burst of speed from her horse as she approached impact."
"she must be put to bed straightaway. she needs rest and some good red meat in her'
"on the morrow you will get to know my sheep. all three hundred and twelve of them"
i think those things are funny, but the overall tone of the book is not very funny, which makes me think i am seeing funny where there is not intended to be funny...
so rbrs, go and thank greg. and forget i was even involved, kay?
basically, i am on elizabeth's side: fulk this!(less)
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