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May 02, 2015
May 02, 2015
you know that thing that marilyn manson said about fiona apple? that
"she was so sexy and fragile—definitely too fragile for me. If I was ever to be p you know that thing that marilyn manson said about fiona apple? that
"she was so sexy and fragile—definitely too fragile for me. If I was ever to be put in a circumstance where I could have sex with her, I would decline because her vagina is probably too precious to be dirtied by my filthy cock."
that's exactly how i feel about reviewing this book.
this is the best thing chuck tingle has ever written. ...more
Notes are private!
Jul 14, 2015
Jul 14, 2015
Apr 26, 2015
Apr 26, 2015
dessert in the desert!!
i expect when chuck tingle finally releases his memoir detailing his writing process, it will be revealed to be made up of a co
dessert in the desert!!
i expect when chuck tingle finally releases his memoir detailing his writing process, it will be revealed to be made up of a combination of bong hits and mad libs.
and when someone else finally gets it into their heads to write the definitive biography of mr. tingle, i think they will note that this book marks the turning point where mr. tingle lost his fucking mind. because unicorns, dinosaurs, bigfoot - those are all pretty standard in the monsterpornverse. but after he exhausted all of the usual suspects and started exploiting things that should never be considered as suitable love interests for humans - a dress, a train, a diner, donuts, one's own genetically modified ass - this is where he either transcended ordinary human limitations into genius territory, or became a slavering madman howling out his cave into the night.
and this one…. this one is sublime. chocolate milk cowboys.
giant glasses of chocolate milk with guns and … guns capable of spilling out of their containers in order to have gay intercourse with a cowboy.
welcome to tingletown
because if that's not on the same level as the invention of the wheel, i don't know what you people expect outta a man.
in the unspecified wild west, our hero billy brucko is tasked with delivering a package coming straight from the white house into the hands of albert einstein in california. he is instructed not to look inside the package under any circumstances, and he is to receive two bricks of gold for his troubles. billy is an honorable cowboy, so up he hops on the back of his trusty steed (named the dangler), and he's on his way.
he is just drifting off to sleep after the first day of his journey when he is awoken by a delicious scent on the wind.
Slowly, I look up and see the barrel of my own weapon pointed straight down at me. Holding it steady is a large glass of chocolate milk.
who then sloshes some of himself out of the glass, and each drop that hits the ground forms an additional chocolate milk man, forming "a chocolate milk gang." and they very much want what's in billy's box. but billy's not about to give up his box to the first outlaw who demands it.
billy is hit, but fortunately, while he is bleeding out onto the ground, our hero has the presence of mind to read the note attached to the in-demand package and learns that it contains a device with magical properties: Upon pressing the button, the user will travel back in time ten minutes, finding themselves in a universe parallel to this one. It is a place that we have come to know as the Tingleverse. Use with great caution, the Tingleverse is a strange and erotic place, but if we can find a way to harness its power, we could soon find true utopia.
so billy pushes that button.
and recent history repeats itself, as he is awoken by a glass of chocolate milk.
but things are a little different this time around
I look at him, staring deep into his soul and realizing suddenly that this version of events isn't exactly the same, after all. Unlike the last encounter, this cup of chocolate milk has a certain twinkle in his eye, a relaxed and suave nature that simply wasn't there the first time around. This universe is the same but different; a little more flirty, a little more exciting... a little more gay.
and then the thing that happens in the tingleverse begins to happen here:
I fully submit to their gay power.
what follows is a copious amount of intercourse between billy and the chocolate milk men, who are referred to in a variety of imaginative ways:
-the domineering beverage
-the handsome chocolate milk
-the milk blob bandits
-the muscular beverage
-this liquid gang
-the gang of rough and tumble dairies
-the chocolate milk gang
-this chocolaty bandit
-the handsome dessert beverage
-the cocoa bandit
-the delicious dairy treat
-the milky beings
whose genitals and other physical attributes are described thusly:
-sweet dessert cock
-erect chocolate dick
-massive chocolate shaft
-sweet bandit abs
-their sugary strength
-smooth sugary flavor
and who delight our hero with their
-sweet and sugary fullness
and cover him in
-massive loads of warm cocoa
-pearly brown glaze
-a fountain of milky, chocolate spunk
and cause him to utter such loving cries as:
-"Yes!" I urge them on, "More milk! Cover my face!"
-"Give me those milky cowboy cocks."
-"Cover me in your milk!" I command. "Shoot those fucking loads all over this bad, bad cowboy!"
-"God damn, these chocolate milk dicks are so fucking good." I confess.
"Do you like that fat dairy dick?" The chocolate milk asks me in his deep, soulful voice. "Do you love it up your tight gay asshole?"
"Yes, I love that fat chococock in my tight ass! I wish I had more to fuck!" I scream, lost in the moment.
and billy is equally appreciated by the chocolate milk men:
-"Not bad, cowboy!" Gargles one of the blobs.
it's an unconventional love story, but it is full of mutual admiration and a ton of calcium.
and the best ending to anything ever (typos aside):
(view spoiler)[I press the button again, and again, and again; each time walking up in a word more erotic than the last until eventually all matter and light begins to decay and warp. All of existence transforms and melts away until even the button itself no longer exists, simply the thought of its click permeating through all space and time forever. I cum harder than any being ever has, or ever will, and then literally become the universe, which is now made of abs. (hide spoiler)]
she does not approve
but this ain't your momma's chocolate milk, anyway
but it might be my favorite tingle so far.
Notes are private!
Jun 17, 2015
Jun 17, 2015
Mar 07, 2015
Mar 07, 2015
I'm violated by the living junk food
you might say - "karen, don't you know a donut is not a monster?! why is this book on your monsters-are-dirrrrrrrt
I'm violated by the living junk food
you might say - "karen, don't you know a donut is not a monster?! why is this book on your monsters-are-dirrrrrrrty shelf instead of just on your books-are-dirrrrrrty shelf?? well, not all monsters are scary (and i'm learning that very few of them are sexxy), and i figure the difference between the two shelves is that the books-are-dirrrrrrty. shelf contains all the silly eroticas i read, but the monsters-are-dirrrrrrrty shelf is reserved for the stuff you probably can't do at home. to that end: have sex with a rock troll?? monsters are dirty. have sex with your amish cousin?? books are dirty. have sex with a giant slug? monsters are dirty. have sex with a hipster slave boy? books are dirty. have sex with gigantic talking gay donuts?? i'm gonna call "monster" on this one.
so here we have three dudes, fresh outta high school, going on a pre-college road trip from their native ohio to southern california, having a gay old time. but they soon realize that despite the change of scenery, nothing is really different, and they have only tans to show for their journey, not lasting memories.
our group is coming face to face with the fact that, deep down, we might just be really boring gay men.
mike is not going to waste another moment of this vacation - he's gonna make sure to do something amazing before he has to head back to ohio. but what??
We had heard tales about the utterly depraved donut scene in San Diego, but deep down I had always considered the idea of living, talking, gay pastries to be a purely European thing.
living, talking, gay pastries? sounds like the perfect way to salvage a disappointing vacation! and san diego! here's a little backstory, since you will not remember the pastry fucking act of 2016, unless you have a time machine and are using it in a very specific way:
Once the promiscuous nature of these living baked goods was completely exposed, human/donut fucking was entirely outlawed; gay, straight, all of it. The ruling led to a whole slew of human rights arguments, but despite the fact that living donuts could talk, think, and even love, they were still not considered to be legally human and therefore not afforded the same basic privileges.
(so i was right - monsters!!!)
after searching around town for the hobo signs indicating where friends of the donuts could be found, mike makes some masterfully coded inquiries of a donut purveyor:
"Apple fritter? Maple bar?"
I hesitate for a moment, not quite sure how to go about this. "Do you have anything a little… gayer?"
and he manages to get the secret password to a donut speakeasy.
inside, it's all very exciting and hot, with men everywhere drinking tall glasses of milk, and then mike sees a sign for something called "the big glaze."
and we get some exposition
"This is a gay donut bar as you can see. Most of the gay donuts packed up and moved to Europe when they were outlawed, which is straight up unconstitutional if you ask me, but a few of them stayed behind. Now they live in hiding, but the donut community has found a way to let them work under the table, providing a particular service that is commonly referred to as glazing.
mike innocently asks him to elaborate about this "glazing" practice.
"It means that one man is going to suck off a whole dozen gay donuts, and then they are going to glaze his face in hot, sugary cum."
oh! well that sounds lovely!! and that will certainly be a memory for the vacation scrapbook!
and to beat the current record, all he has to do is pleasure 16 giant gay donuts of all varieties: chocolate, coconut, rainbow sprinkles - whatever comes his way.
mike is ready to go onstage and give those sweet sugary donut cocks his all. or take their all. i'm not really sure which is more precise.
but so what do gay donuts look like, really?
The next thing I know, a handsome, floating donut is approaching me from either side. The pastries are absolutely gorgeous, muscular and toned with massive dicks hanging down from their frosted, circular bodies.
and how does a 16-donut on one man encounter work??
well, there's some sweet dirty talk
"Yeah, suck that sprinkled cock."
"Cover my fucking face with your sugary frosting." I beg, starting to get into it now. "Use me as your gay donut cum dumpster."
and some very inventive imagery that bridges the gap between hungry and horny
-hot, steamy frosting
-my eyes are now completely caked shut with sugary semen.
-I'm utterly glazed with donut semen.
because yeah - spoiler alert -mike does indeed get glazed.
Now that I've got four loads to contend with, I'm finally starting to feel the jizz blend together and form a thin sheen of glazed icing across my face. It's like wearing a mask at the spa, only warmer and many times more explicit.
he is glazed by maple bars with their syrupy balls, by the pink-frosted, and the besprinkled, and these hotties:
Two floating donuts approach me with their cocks in their tiny baked hands, beating off and looking down at my fit body as it lies contorted below them. One of them is covered in dark brown chocolate sprinkles while the other sports an incredibly arousing coat of coconut shavings.
i mean, coconut…phoar.
and at the end of it all, both the donuts: The living confectionary starts to moan from his single, circular opening
and mike: I have never been so horny in my entire life, consumed by the taboo nature of this human on pastry encounter.
have a wonderful time.
HOWEVER, as a budding chuck tingle scholar, i have to wonder - there is such an emphasis on these donuts being gay and there are lines like this:
The donut plows into me, pumping up and down and using me like a gay human sex toy
and yet in tingle's masterpiece Space Raptor Butt Invasion we have this exchange:
"I mean, it's not gay if it's a dude raptor and a dude human, right?" I ask.
"Totally not gay." Says the dinosaur.
is this "no homo" rule only applied to men and space dinosaurs? are donuts closer to humans in their DNA? what will this discovery do towards upholding the gay pastry act of 2016?
guess we'll just have to wait and see ...more
Notes are private!
Jun 08, 2015
Jun 08, 2015
Jan 11, 2015
Jan 11, 2015
deaf to my topless pleas to stop being so kindle-exclusive and come on over to my nook, i thought i would never get to read a chuck tingle story.
no?? deaf to my topless pleas to stop being so kindle-exclusive and come on over to my nook, i thought i would never get to read a chuck tingle story.
no?? no tinglers for me?
but thanks to an angel of the internet, who i will gladly name if given the go-ahead, i was FINALLY able to read a book by this chuck tingle fella who has taken the monsterporn world by storm. from all the articles and interviews i have read, and from his phenomenal high-definition but lazily photoshopped book covers and magnetic poetry style titles, i thought this was going to be the ne plus ultra of monsterotica.
i don't understand. from all the excerpts, i thought this was going to be the funniest, most over-the-top thing i would ever read. but it's the normcore of monsterporn. it's like he just wrote a story and then had some dinosaur sex in it at the end. there's … detail and set-building and character development. step off, raymond carver - this isn't how it's done!! where are my typos?? where is all the weird, silly fun that is the
The entire wall is translucent, showing off a truly breathtaking view of a hilly grey landscape beyond where two separate moons hang brilliantly in the dark sky. If I hadn't seen this view every morning for far longer than I'd care to remember, I might even be moved to tears by the sight, a real manifestation of mankind's commitment to science and space travel.
less asimov, more ass-imov, please!
but don't worry, it's coming.
so our hero is all alone in the barren landscape of space. ooooor iiiiiis he? no, he isn't. there's also a velociraptor in a spacesuit named orion who thought he was all alone in the "empty solar system," sent to explore the universe from his home planet… earth two.
orion is very articulate for a lizard, overcoming his anatomy to achieve all kinds of glottal and labiodental sounds:
…I'm assuming that back on Earth One you were taught that my people died in some kind of ice age? Something like that?"
but - boy, is it lonely.
fortunately, now they are together and they can play ping-pong and talk late into the night, and if their friendship turns into something more… well, that's just natural, right??
…after a long night of ping pong and chowing down on astronaut ice cream, me and Orion find ourselves lounging on the couch and looking out over the grey hills together.
and it's ON!
but despite a few hilarious moments
"You're gonna take that dinosaur dick and you're gonna like it." Orion tells me, taking me by the head and thrusting me down again. "You should have known better than to test me. My people have been fucking for billions of years before you humans we were even around."
and despite the little glitches like that additional "we" there, it just feels too polished for monsterporn. and not like the polishing of the raptor rod. it's almost missing the spirit of monsterporn by focusing on the story. and that's not what i expected. i thought this was going to be the dirrrrrtiest, most coked-up hilarious version of monsterporn. but it's almost trying too hard. the ratio of story to sex scenes falls strongly on the side of story. which is a weird complaint for me to make, since i have gone on record time and again saying that i skim the sex scenes. but it's just not as much fun as others of its kind. it's more of a monster romance novel, where they get together in the end for a single steamy, filthy scene.
i swear it's not just sour grapes for not making his stories more accessible to nookies like me, and i want to read all of them nonetheless. i just think that the covers and the titles are so so so good, i wish this story had lived up to the potential. maybe the one about the man who has sex with his own butt will be better. i still want you on my nook, tingle!!
i will leave you with this
"You've been a very bad astronaut." Orion tells me, his raptor face pressed hard against mine as we pump together in sweaty unison. "So you're gonna take my Jurassic load up your asshole and you're gonna like it."
a chuck tingle cover gallery:
which i have to point out, is the same cover model from Monsters Made Me Gay: Yeti Gangbang
and the most meta of them all:
Notes are private!
May 04, 2015
May 04, 2015
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015
thanks to eddie for making many of my tingles come true!
without going into too much detail because you'll want to save some surprises when you read i
thanks to eddie for making many of my tingles come true!
without going into too much detail because you'll want to save some surprises when you read it, in this book we have a guy named kirk who uses science to combine DNA from his brain, his ass, and a hawk.
the result? a flying butt with all of his memories and personality traits.
he takes his ass to dinner
and they totally make out
it's a fairytale romance, tingle style!!!
someone needs to either let me borrow their kindle or give this guy my home address. i don't think i am exaggerating when i say IF I DON'T READ ALL OF HIS BOOKS, I AM GOING TO DIE. ...more
Notes are private!
Jun 08, 2015
Mar 24, 2015
Feb 22, 2014
Feb 22, 2014
Notes are private!
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015
Feb 23, 2015
Feb 23, 2015
man, even by monster-porn standards, this one is very short. but i gotta hand it to mina shay - she's always pushing the envelope when it comes to fin man, even by monster-porn standards, this one is very short. but i gotta hand it to mina shay - she's always pushing the envelope when it comes to finding exotic monstermates for the ladies in her stories. i appreciate variety, and even though this story seemed a little phoned-in, i'm grateful that she's not giving the world another vampire porn, another bigfoot porn. she's a trailblazer, and maybe the next person who writes trash king porn will make it more … profound. because profundity is what monsterotica readers crave, yes?
so here we have our heroine, brandy. she is at the local dump, searching desperately for her commemorative tonya harding hubcap. this treasure had been thrown out in a rage by ken, the spiteful "yuppie bastard" with whom she'd been shacked up. ken was incensed when he caught her providing oral pleasures to a biker, and callously tossed the commemorative tonya harding hubcap in the garbage, which is the rudest thing a person can do to someone they are sleeping with. i mean apart from blowing a biker.
brandy's going to get her commemorative tonya harding hubcap back, and then she's got some other revenge plans up her … sleeve.
Brandy decided to suck every cock she found just to get back at Ken.
atta girl, brandy!!! that is a super-empowered attitude you have there!
she's got other problems with ken, though. he's got all this money, and no clue how to spend it properly
Money was meant for the good things in life, like alcohol, cigarettes and cover charges.
because this isn't only trash king porn, this is white trash porn. hold tight.
Brandy wished she'd had time to change out of her Daisy Dukes into something more appropriate for rooting through heaps of trash, but she couldn't waste her time getting down to the dump. Someone else might claim her hubcap!
like most heroines in monsterporn, brandy is dressed completely wrong for her intended activities, but completely appropriate for attracting monsters. and she does attract a monster. she attracts … the trash king.
and what is the trash king? i'm not … sure. not really.
The Trash King was filthy. He stood at least six feet tall and was covered in grayish, pock marked skin. His ragged clothing was four layers deep, fraying at the edges with numerous holes showing deeper layers of clothing. His jeans looked too short for his legs and his boots too large for his feet. The clothing would have been hopelessly out of fashion even if it had been clean and whole. Beady little eyes peered out from his oversized brow. His arms seemed too long for his body, hanging down far too low at his sides. Brandy wasn't sure if he'd ever been human, or if living in the trash heaps had somehow changed the man into something else.
so it's like … a shabbily dressed dude?? who may or may not be human?? like a cross between a hobo and a scarecrow?
i dunno. creating new monsters doesn't seem to be mina shay's string suit, but at least she's trying!
but as little as we know about the trash king, he certainly knows all about brandy. and he's about to KNOW brandy, you dig? how does he know all about her?? and all about ken??
"I get your trash here. I get everyone's trash here, from that street. You can learn a lot about a person from their trash… [ken] really needs to learn to shred his bank statements."
and the trash king, unlike ken, recognized the value of brandy's commemorative tonya harding hubcap (sadly, not a real thing that can be bought on ebay. i looked) and he's not giving it up. looks like brandy's gonna have to negotiate.
she plans to seduce the trash king to get her commemorative tonya harding hubcap back. but she doesn't even have to make the first move. the trash king, who is very presumptuous, no matter how much he knows about brandy and her loose ways from her trash, just whips out his peen with no provocation.
Brandy never even saw the grin on his face. All she saw was cock and her body reacted instinctively. Brandy was a moth and she'd seen flame. She quickly stepped forward and knelt down on the hard ground in front of the Trash King. She wasted no time in greedily reaching out and grasping his grayish-skinned cock. It weighed heavily in her hands, full of promise.
oh, brandy. i know you vowed to suck every cock you found, but did you need to lead with this one?? this one that you refer to as "mystery meat??" but that commemorative tonya harding hubcap isn't gonna restore itself to your mantelpiece…
soooo - thar she blows!
Brandy suspected he was close to coming and wondered what the trashy man's come would taste like.
ewww, garbage juice.
and then there's a lot of blah blah blah. and sex sex sex.
he bends her over a sofa in the middle of one of the trash heaps because you gotta treat a lady right.
and unlike all the other mina shay bonbons i have read, this one reads almost like a parody of monsterporn. no, like intentionally. i mean, this must be meant to be funny, right?:
A couple of springs rose up through the exposed bottom of the sofa. It smelled like her grandmother. The dead one.
and then, she gets spanked by the trash king. which should be a whole 'nother story because it's a priceless title.
they enjoy some conversation in the middle of their romantic lovemaking
"Yer a dirty little slut, aren't you? Right at home amongst all this trash."
"Yes, I am!" she agreed wholeheartedly .
oh, brandy. you are too eager.
and trash king - amongst? no need to overcompensate with the flowery speech just because you live in a trash heap. i mean, you are still the king. of the trash.
and then more sex sex sex, and since it is essentially human-on-human sex, it's all very perfunctory and vanilla to this monsterporn connoisseur. no fangs, no dragon tails, no big furry beasts. yawn city.
just the bland and obligatory descriptions of the old in-and-out. i mean, apparently the trash king is hung, but even that is just ho-hum.
His cock filled her in a way that her human partners never had. She grit her teeth and braced herself for his continuing onslaught. She beamed inwardly in pride when her pussy took the entire size of his cock.
because it's important to take pride in one's work.
and that's pretty much it. they are both pleased with their orgasms, and while the trash king will not give brandy her commemorative tonya harding hubcap back, he will allow her to crash with him. "…the way I see it, it looks like you need a new place to stay for a bit. You stay here in my RV and you can look at it every day. And I can fuck you senselessly every day, too.".
which pleases brandy. and the trash king spanks her once more as punctuation, and they go off to drink cans of piss-beer together which is the white trash equivalent of riding off into the sunset atop a white stallion.
mira shay! you can do better than that, girl! and brandy? no, you've pretty much hit your glass ceiling there. sorry!
Notes are private!
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 27, 2013
Mar 28, 2013
my monsterporn group does a little secret dream monster valentine porn-exchange, and i selected the unicorn as my dream monster, naturally. the secret
my monsterporn group does a little secret dream monster valentine porn-exchange, and i selected the unicorn as my dream monster, naturally. the secret gifters have now been unveiled, so i know kira chose this one for me, and to her i say "thank you for uniporn!"
this is a sad story about a girl with some undiagnosed mental illness who gets led into a life of crime by a manipulative unicorn. is my interpretation, anyway.
sandy is a twenty-year-old virgin. apparently, this is unusual enough that it makes "everyone" laugh at her. but she doesn't care. much. she's keeping her v so she can summon a unicorn; crossing her legs, reading her shapeshifter novels, and living in a tiny cabin where wildflowers are allowed to grow…erm - wild, up to her knees. every once in a while, she will wander out, dressed as one does to attract a unicorn.
Staring into her bedroom mirror, she fluffed up her blond ringlets and smoothed out her lacy red mini dress. Like most of her clothes, it was way too tight for her generous helping of curves. In fact, it almost looked painted onto her butt and boobs, not to mention cinching embarrassingly snugly at the waist. But it would have to do.
not sure why "it would have to do" since you could just…get new clothes, clothes that fit, but even stranger to me is her logic that in order to attract a unicorn with their heralded love of virgins, sandy would choose to dress like a whore.
let's just take a moment to remove our monsterporn goggles and take a step back to view this situation with our real-world eyes. i know, never a good idea, but we're doing it.
so we have a lady living in an isolated log cabin with an unkempt lawn, wandering around dressed like courtney love whose only ambition is to attract a unicorn. nothing wrong here, right? just sanity and smart life choices.
Now that she was out here, listening to a lone car's honking and narrowly avoiding stepping on a broken beer bottle, Sandy had to ask herself what she was doing. But her heart was drunk with the promise of the unicorn. There wouldn't be so many legends about unicorns if they didn't exist.
that is also terrible logic. and why is there a car honking in the woods? and - even though we don't learn this until later - she is barefoot, so the bottle-avoidance is actually pretty crucial. but she should probably "ask herself what she was doing" with more frequency.
but most important here is the assertion that "her heart was drunk with the promise of the unicorn." because it's all about love, right?? and when dealing with love, we all go a little crazy, right?
That horn! She needed that horn. So long and spiral and sharp. How many people had it impaled? If Sandy had it, she'd be safe. She imagined clutching it, thrusting its thick mass at the things that got in her way. She'd watch the white light rain forth from its tip and blind the jealous bitches who'd mocked her chastity belt. The horn would be so strong in her hand, so solid…
let's take one of those steps back again. so it's not about true love after all? the only reason she wants the horn is to poke girls who made fun of her for being a virgin? if being a virgin is so shaming to her, why not just … lose the virginity to a human boy or girl? you're already dressed for it, and it would be so much less time-consuming than hunting down a unicorn and what - killing it for its horn?? sandy, you are fucked up.
A flame burned in her belly. Sandy fanned herself. When had it gotten so hot outside? Water ran down her skin, but her mouth was so dry. She plucked a blossom from a nearby honeysuckle vine and licked the nectar inside the petals.
you can see this, right? poor sandy, wandering around the woods wearing a nighttime dress in the daytime, barefoot, sweating, her makeup probably running, lost in her wild fantasies and eating flowers. it might actually be courtney love after all.
but then - a uuunicorn!! so maybe she's not crazy after all.
The sound of galloping made her heart leap in her chest. Her head jerked up in time to see a huge white horse rearing at her. In the center of its forehead was a perfectly spiral ivory horn.
sandy takes exactly one second to admire the unicorn before getting all nasty about it.
Sandy's breath caught. She glanced down and quickly realized where the expression "hung like a horse" came from. This unicorn was definitely not an it, not with that monster member hanging down. How did he even stand up, let alone run? Absolutely impressive equipment.
way to appreciate the miracle, sandy.
She blushed. The unicorn might be a male, but he was still an animal, for crying out loud! She shouldn't be thinking of him like that.
no. that would be…insane.
She rubbed her eyes, and the member was gone. No sign of it at all. Just a beautiful snow-white unicorn with elegant, muscular legs and oddly knowing brown eyes. Sandy heaved a sigh of relief. She must have hallucinated it. Well, that was okay, then.
this casual dismissal of the vanishing penis speaks to a familiarity with hallucination-jags. someone prescribe something to this girl already!
but she's still all horny and she reminisces about how She'd gotten so hot and wet all over the past two summers, so painfully sensitive, to the point she had to bite her lip to keep from moaning so her parents wouldn't hear and how on those long hot nights sweating with lust she struggled with keeping her hands off her lady parts.
but wait, she lives with her parents?? not that there's anything wrong with a twenty-year-old virgin living with her parents, but this throws the whole cabin thing into question. because in the beginning, when describing her cabin, where the
Wildflowers grew to her knees in some places, the reason no one would rent out here and why her tiny cabin was so cheap. Sandy thought this was stupid. Where else would the unicorn come to find her if not in a meadow like the stories always said?
and yet she's in the woods. but that seems to imply that this is her own place, where she lives in squalor in a place no one else wants to live. but are her parents there with her in this ramshackle insanity-nightmare? to help her in her mission to snag a unicorn? the only other time they are mentioned, she refers to them as "neglectful" with no context, so that can't be it. holy shit - do you think THEY are a hallucination? and the reason they are neglectful is because they are not really there?? did she murder them the way she wanted to murder the unicorn before she saw his penis? this book is getting dark! and the summer comment is throwing me off, too. does that mean she is only horny in the summer? or does that mean that she only lives with her parents in the summer? am i thinking too hard about this? i just want more backstory, please! i like to understand my female leads before they get hooked on monstercock.
because this is also so perplexing to me, returning to "memories of summer nights"
It would have been so easy to let her hand slip inside her panties, but she couldn't invite temptation by playing alone, never mind with any of the handsome men who gave her a second look. She had to stay pure. Pure - and hot and wet. even if it hurt.
masturbation does not invalidate virginity. and her motivations are still so murky to me. she wants the intercourse, she has opportunity for intercourse with all the men and their second looks and her ample boobies, but she has remained a virgin in order to meet a unicorn. fine. this makes sense, in monsterporn logic. but she
but whatever - you guys are here for the sexxy bits. so - sandy
too late, my dear. you're on the unicorn express now.
and basically, she nearly has her first orgasm on the back of a unicorn.
…the bouncing and rubbing against her clit in that short time - no wonder little girls wanted ponies of their own!
argh, sandy - that is NOT why.
Her slit had grown so slick, it was a miracle she didn't slide right off.
He was so magnificent, everything a little girl collecting sparkly stickers could dream of. Good girls didn't think like this.
she's gotta stop with these little-girl references juxtaposed with confessions of how horny she is. it's alarming.
so they get to a stopping point and they have a conversation and sandy is a little too eager.
You're so big!" she blurted out.
"Indeed I am," the unicorn agrees, shaking out his mane and nestling his head in Sandy's lap. "Indeed I am."
so, with his head in her lap, he begins to exhale up into her ladybits all tickly and then immediately makes with the oral. and sandy has her very first orgasm - hooray.
and then it gets murky. again. so, she is sitting indian-style with a unicorn's head in her lap. right? you are picturing this? and after the orgasm shudders its course, she reached down a maddened hand to tear off the sodden panties. They were in the way! All her clothes were in the way.
She flung down the tatters of sky-blue satin.
how is this even possible? go on, try it, i will wait. unicorn head on your lap optional. unless you have one handy.
so then unicorn makes her close her eyes and when she reopens them, he is a MAN! a naked muscly man. with a weird-ass penis: a perfect spiral of flesh that went on forever, and it stood up proudly in greeting.
oh come now - FOREVER? and also - ow. and also - what? how did his horn get down there? didn't he JUST have a penis in unicorn-form?
She stared at what had been the unicorn's spiral horn. She remembered how the girls at school and work had called her a prude and stupid and how she'd wanted to get the horn just to show them how wrong they were. How she'd fantasized about making them sorry.
but now her revenge fantasies are over. they have transitioned to lust-fantasies. and it's a little awkward, like some fifty shades outtake as the virgin stumbles over the vocabulary.
"I need - " she stuttered, "I need - that." It hurt to say it, but she had to. "In - in me. I need you to stick it in me."
Sandy pointed. "That!"
"Cock, Sandy," the unicorn said. "Say it." He wrapped her fingers around the thick flesh. "Say it, and I'll show you what it can do."
"C-c-cock," Sandy managed at last. Even the word sounded like sex. She tightened her fist around the ample spiral until her fingernails cut into her palm. Yes, sex. The breath she hadn't even known she'd been holding seeped out of her, and her shoulders slackened. "Cock!"
hahahahahah COCK!!!! although, judging by its girth, unless she has giant lumberjack hands, it's not a super-impressive cock, spiral-features aside.
and this unicorn-shifter is kind of a dick.
he's a little condescending, which considering he is interacting with this chick in a dress too small for her who is saying dumb things and eating flowers, is kind of understandable, but still. i would have smacked him.
turns out he is prince dorian of the shapeshifter tribe, and he tells her all his woes, and the woes of shapeshifting unicorn people in general and how when a unicorn comes of age, he must mate with a human woman and create the next child in the line.
i don't know what is expected of girl-unicorns, but i guess this seems logical.
this, however, does not:
This worked until the dawning of what you mortals call the Age of Reason, when people stopped believing in anything they couldn't prove by science. My people became relegated to the realm of myth and legend, which wouldn't be so bad, except - "
Sandy recalled the insults and taunts thrown her way for believing in unicorns and magic. "Except that if no adult believes you exist, how can you carry them off to mate with you?"
wait, what?? anything can be carried off, whether it believes in you or not. this sounds like a unicorn-lie to me.
"Yes," Dorian said. He stared off into the distance, a forlorn expression on his face. "Exactly."
so whatever - sandy has been chosen to be dorian's virgin sacrifice - but not in a killing way. coulda picked a better word than "sacrifice," but shapeshifting unicorns are not known for their linguistic precision. and he gets all "tick tock" on her, telling her she has a choice, but make up your mind now because unicorn numbers are dwindling and you are going to have my babies and be bound to me for life as my princess and let's do this already.
but sandy, while miserable at the thought of no more unicorns on the world (although - since this is the first ones she has seen in 20 years, it shouldn't be that devastating, especially considering he's a jerk)
but she's got some questions - but waaaaait a minute - you don't actually need a virgin for that, hey? you can totes mate with a nonvirgin.
oh, but he's got something of the christian grey in him
"Because you must be mine in body and soul," Dorian said, his voice soft. "Never touched by another, never claimed by another. For always."
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
he's such a player, this one
His eyes contained the pain and depth of someone who had seen more than his share of sorrow but also knew good still existed in the world
Sandy took a deep breath. This was her whole life she was talking about. And she didn't know if she wanted kids.
kids are baby goats, dummy! you would be having ponies.
bear in mind that this is page 21 of 35 and they haven't had sex yet.
her hesitation is confounding. she was the one looking for a unicorn in the first place, right? although i guess she just wanted the horn before. but now she REALLY wants the horn.
BUT WHAT CAN HE SAY TO CONVINCE HER?? WHAT INDEED?
"Red is so beautiful on you, Sandy," Dorian murmured, toying with the collar of her mini dress. "Do you know, I think I dreamed of you, too?"
That did it. Sandy couldn't come up with a single reason for refusing
wait, that's it?? some corny ass neil strauss line?? really???? REALLY, SANDY???
but that's it. and now it's ON!
Sandy moaned and pulled his head closer, threading her fingers through his hair. It was softer than corn silk and smelled amazing, like bottled manhood.
LIKE BOTTLED MANHOOD.
okay, and now i have to type this whole part out so you can tell me if i've missed something.
He kissed the hollow of her throat, then pulled back. "Sandy, are you completely sure you want this? Once we go forward, that's it."
The concern in his voice brought tears to Sandy's eyes. "Of course I'm sure," she whispered. "This is supposed to be. I can feel it."
Dorian growled and fingered her clit. The pressure and the slick feel of her own nectar was too much for Sandy to take. Arching and gasping, she raked her fingernails over his back. He hissed in pain and pleasure and rubbed even harder, making Sandy gush her juices everywhere. She cried out, bucking her hips against him. "Oh, Dorian!"
"You will run with the unicorns, Sandy," Dorian promised, lifting his mouth from her pussy.
WAIT!!!! HOW DID HIS FACE GET DOWN THERE??? DID I MISS SOME TRANSITION SOMEWHERE?? is her pussy on her throat or is his mouth on his finger, because otherwise, that could not have just happened.
but whatever. sandy says "Show me what that cock does" - without stuttering even once, the fast learner!
and so they have the unicorn sex. and his penis SPIRALS inside of her. WHILE HE IS THRUSTING. it's like a carnival in her vagina! whe!
there are many sexxy descriptions, like
She wanted to wrap her (thighs) around him to let him go even deeper. So she did.
and then the weirdest orgasm ever:
Sandy shattered into a million pieces, finally washing ashore as many years later.
i do so hope they make a movie version of this so i can understand what just happened there.
and then there's a rainbow.
and then, can you even guess what happens next?? no, you cannot.
unicorn picnic!! with his cousin bellatrix!! because why the crap not?
but bellatrix just drops off the basket and bounces so they can have more romance, i guess. a bizarre and unnecessary interlude!
for picnics, unicorns like to have bread with huckleberry jam, orange blossom honey, assorted cheeses, strawberries with cream, frosted cakes, and elderberry wine. in case you were wondering.
and then she puts honey on his spiral and licks it off. picnic is OVER! now it is time to SPIRAL IN HER MOUTH!
and what do the pearlescent dewdrops of unicorn-semen taste like, boys and girls??
forgotten dreams and fairy tales
and his assessment of her skills?
"A unicorn couldn't have done better."
but WAIT? does this mean unicorn boys don't have to be virgins? has he had unicorn lovers? so why can't he just mate with one of his own kind, since we have already seen there is a girl unicorn and he has mentioned "the herd" several times. i'm not suggesting he do anything as nasty as unicorn incest, but surely there is a viable male in the herd that could hump on bellatrix? no?? and no girl unicorns unrelated to dorian?? nothing in-house? just sandy?? okay.
It was crazy how much her life had changed in the past twelve hours.
yes, craaaaazy. because you are craaaaaazy
and then - whoa. seriously, whoa.
sandy muses that her having one unicorn baby isn't going to be enough to save the species. (because "the herd" is not pulling their weight)
She thought of the Renaissance Faires, of the cosplay convention circuit. She thought of the people who dressed up as faeries and wore T-shirts that said Believe. Surely some of them had held out for something better just like she had.
"I'll bring them, my Prince," she said suddenly. "I'll find virgins who still believe, and I'll bring them to your people."
first of all, where are you going to find a virgin at a renaissance faire?? (pause for laughter)
but jesus christ, did sandy just become a unicorn pimp??? yes. yes she did.
and the last line of this spectacular story??
Sometimes wishes really did come true.
i mean, if your wish is to become a chick who herds virgins onto the spirals of unicorn shapeshifters. it's the happiest ending ever!
thanks again, kira! i loved my hornporn and all the giggles it delivered!! ...more
Notes are private!
Feb 19, 2015
Feb 20, 2015
Jun 28, 2013
Jun 28, 2013
when is monsterporn not monsterporn?
when it's… this.
this is a winky, self-aware monsterporn that is more of a parody of the genre than anything else.
when is monsterporn not monsterporn?
when it's… this.
this is a winky, self-aware monsterporn that is more of a parody of the genre than anything else. or, it is a whole new iteration - horrorporn
poor virginia (wink wink) has no friends. the problem is she is sooooo gorgeous that all the girls are jealous of her and all the boys are intimidated. and of COURSE she doesn't even know how hot she is and she assumes something is wrong with her and her simmering sexual desires will go unfulfilled forever. little does she know - all the boys are all thinking of her when they are intercoursing their inferior partners. but no one approaches her or her heart-shaped ass.
why it never occurs to her to make the first move is a mystery.
this story takes place in a high school environment, but the story is cheekily quick to avoid scandal.
She was more mature-looking than the other girls, and could have passed for a twenty-five-year-old even though she was only eighteen…Coincidentally, all of her senior classmates were also eighteen (and they were such a tight group that their sexual conquests never penetrated the ranks of the grades below them).
heh. penetrated. nice footwork.
so, but the bottom line is - virginia is HORNY!! one day, she drifts off in class and dreams of fellating brad wilkes the football captain when suddenly her fantasy turns nightmarish and brad grows a fifty foot erection.
she wakes up screaming, but she has to admit, deep inside her, she really liked it.
one night, she finally takes some initiative when she sees the cars of her classmates parked across the street from her house, having one of their beer and campfire orgies in the woods, teenage bacchanals to which she has never been invited. well, virginia isn't going to wait around for an invitation - she's gonna crash that orgy.
mostly she just watches them and touches herself. or rather, she "thrust her hands up inside herself." which seems excessive, but considering the night she's got ahead of her - spoiler alert - it's probably smart to pave the way so thoroughly.
Hours later, everyone, including Virginia, ejaculated at the exact same moment. Then everyone, except Virginia, passed out on the ground.
high school kids have more endurance than i remember from my own high school days. i mean, from locker room gossip. i am a GOOD GIRL. hi, daddy!
virginia weaves her way through the spent couples littering the ground like some kind of history channel battlefield scene.
and then it just gets weird.
she begins to feel strange sensations - a vibrating in her skin and vision and a high-pitched noise which marks the arrival…..
of a man impossibly slender and impossibly tall wearing a dark suit and a black tie with an entirely blank face
could it be - daft punk?
but no - taller! with ten-foot long fingers that feel up virginia the way she has been longing for forever.
She knew she should have been frightened of a face that lacked eyes, a nose, and a mouth, but something about it comforted her. It seemed kind. Handsome even in a strange way that she couldn't comprehend. She imagined it resting in her lap, moving itself rhythmically until it brought her to ecstasy.
and then it gets HOT!
The man's fingers moved over Virginia's bikini line and stopped.
Blood spurted out of her nose, followed by a headache, nausea, and exhaustion.
And a loss of consciousness.
and then it just gets weird.
she wakes up back in her room lahhhh di dahhhh with only a vague memory of the night before, but with a lingering feeling of fulfillment
She got out of bed, felt dizzy, and collapsed back onto it. Then she threw up onto the floor.
poor virginia. her mother is concerned, and even more so when virginia makes a specific request
"Can you get the thermometer that goes in my butt?" Virginia asked.
virginia, that's nasty. you nasty.
she falls into a fever dream and finds herself in a house with walls made of sewn-together children but it's okay because they're not put out by it at all. they're just hanging out being walls and shit, playing patty cake.
and then again - the arrival of
and she feels the twin stirrings of love and lust.
and her gentleman caller suddenly grows a twenty-five foot penis with a hand on the end of it which enters virginia's female passageway and lifts her up onto the roof, to a chorus of giggling wall-children.
and then it just gets weird.
because of very specific body-manipulations, she is having sex and giving a blowjob and a handjob at the exact same time.
don't ask. it's weird.
The man moaned, letting out a sound that was the equivalent of one thousand simultaneous car crashes.
and later, he will make even better noises, like the neighing of a demonic horse.
virginia likee the butts: Buttocks sprouted out of the back of him, the most beautiful ass she had ever seen. Within her heart she knew it was the most beautiful ass that had ever been possessed since the dawn of mankind.
which is good, because she is going to experience that butt in a completely unprecedented way. unprecedented both to her little virgin world and frankly - anything that has ever occurred in any sexual encounter ever.
and then it just gets weird.
no, dude - i mean it this time.
teenage orgy mattress
liquid acid party tricks
magic tie bondage
and then a little molly bloom-like passage and then
a very abrupt anding.
it was weird.
it's kind of amazing, and you should definitely read it, because it marks a real gamechanger for monsterotica: it's not even trying to be sexxy. and i know, i know - Brandi Burlington has been there and done that with her masterpieces Reamed by Ratatoskr and the lake monster series: Fucked by the Lake Monster and Fucked by the Lake Monster 2: What Cums Next?, but this is a fantastic addition to the world of porn that will arouse no one.
and that's a much-neglected genre.
Notes are private!
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2013
Feb 12, 2013
Hitler himself would have been proud of the dozen or so intensely fuckable blondes at the funeral, each of which were paragons of Teutonic beauty.
when Hitler himself would have been proud of the dozen or so intensely fuckable blondes at the funeral, each of which were paragons of Teutonic beauty.
when invoking hitler at the opening of your erotic fantasy is far from the most inappropriate thing contained within, you know you have a winner.
this is a story about what happens when a man attending a funeral for his ex-girlfriend's father meets a woman (relationship to the deceased unclear) who is also attending the funeral, wearing nothing but a shirt. a dress shirt, sure, but not, in fact, a dress. long story short - there is intercourse.
from the foreword:
A note on this story: Everything up until you see the line "My prayers weren't answered" actually happened., and yes she was pretty much dressed like the girl on the cover. Once I left the reception, I couldn't wait to get home and write a story about what could've happened.
so, we have officially reached the time in our evolution as a species where a penthouse letter is granted isbn status. is this a sign of the apocalypse? it should be.
so, like i do with all dirrrty short stories, i am going to go through the whole text, providing commentary. if you want to be surprised by the events of the story, don't read this review.
so! we are at the funeral and everything is going the way funerals go until a woman walks in, wearing only a shirt. hence - the name of the story.
…my eyes went wide in disbelief as I caught a flash of panties and the hip cut-out on the shirt revealed an amazing amount of her legs.
if she is only wearing a shirt and you can see her panties, and later "the bottom of her perfectly-formed ass," it does stand to reason that an "amazing" amount of her legs would be exposed. one might even say all of her legs.
Halfway through the service, the blonde in the shirt stood up and edged her way out into the aisle.
because it's not rude enough to go to a funeral with your panties on display, you can't even be bothered to sit through the whole thing. all class, this lady.
Her slender legs worked like a perfectly-tuned set of scissors…
shit - have i supposed to've been tuning my scissors this whole time? because regrettably, i have not.
on his way out, he sees her in the "cry-room" with a toddler on her lap (neither of them are crying) and he looks at her crotch and she smirks and blah and blah and then we are at the burial-part, where we are treated to the image of
…workers lowering the casket into the open hole.
and then we are at the afterparty, where our hero brent catches up with his friend and co-worker fred and tells him about the chick wearing only a shirt, who has somehow gone unnoticed by fred, and unremarked-upon by anyone else and this clunky sentence occurs.
Fred looked over towards the kitchen and didn't see anything - which would of course be the norm since the kitchen counter was in the way.
"the norm" is not a synonym for "natural."
and then there is this very detailed and unnecessary detail
Lois's father had built a laundry room on the other side of the kitchen, apparently so that he could re-use the same water hookups on both sides of the walls.
ooooh baby - is it hot in here?? tell me more about the fucking plumbing!
so brent chats up the smirking pantsless chick at the food trough and she introduces herself as jade, and tells him to meet her in the laundry room in a bit, probably because she is totally turned on by those water hookups. brent goes back to fred to wait.
I plopped down next to him and worked on my plate of snacks. I've always been a fast eater, but I tried to pace myself this time. I knew for a fact that I'd finish everything on the plate in about a minute if I didn't.
followed by a lot of detail about how tough and muscly both he and fred are (no homo!) and some detail about their jobs.
Fred and I own a gun shop together, one which specializes in selling to armchair amateur Special Ranger Recon Commando Seal types with more money than sense and a love for every tactical "go-fast" gadget known to mankind.
oh, good. because it is an awesome idea to arm people with "more money than sense." thanks for that.
Today both of us were wearing black tactical pants. While Fred wore a somber charcoal gray shirt and a suit jacket, I was a bit more "out there" and wore a black leather jacket over a skin-tight black muscle shirt.
has no one dressed appropriately for this funeral???
and where is ex-lois - the daughter of the deceased?? she never makes an appearance really, but we get a little bit of detail, to her detriment.
…Fred was momentarily distracted by Lois's bombshell sister (I admit, I dated the ugly one in comparison)
what a super-courteous thing to say! this guy has already committed many kickable offenses. keep 'em coming!
but later, because now it is time for laundry room sex. with a stranger. at a funeral.
…by the time I turned around again, the top three buttons on Jade's shirt had come undone. I noticed for the first time that she was wearing a push-up bra, and her cleavage was beginning to show.
one would expect, after three buttons, yes.
She sighed and unfastened a couple more buttons, and the triangular window of cleavage grew even larger.
if you could already see the bra three buttons ago, aren't we past the point of cleavage? shouldn't we be nearing the midsection by now?
but back to it
There was a small C-section scar just above her panty line, and a few stretch marks spider webbing across her perfectly flat, toned midriff.
what is this? is this supposed to be "mommies are sexxy too!! don't fret about those stretch marks, girl, i'll still bang you!" why are we even mentioning these details?
whatever, so she begins to give him a lap dance.
She ground her pussy against me, and I could feel the heat she kept inside it.
that is a clever place to keep your heat, jade!
I ran my hands up and down her back briefly before they settled on the clasp of her brassiere and unhooked it. Her bra straps fell limply down, dangling uselessly as I ran my hands up and down the length of her spine.
either jade does not have shoulders, or she is wearing a bra that does not fit her properly. i fee bad for her either way.
but now he can see her boobs!
There were a few stretch marks on them
what is it with this guy and his obsessive note-taking on her imperfections? it feels almost aggressive, like "you ain't all that - you have stretch marks."
I could still feel her pussy grinding against my crotch, protected by the only piece of clothing she had left.
technically, this was the only piece of clothing she ever had on over that particular part.
Jade closed her eyes and threw her head back, grinding deliberately against me as she ground harder.
take notes, as this may appear on the test: she is grinding as she ground. and it is deliberate, not accidental.
and everyone should take note: if you're not funny, don't try to be. bad humor isn't cute.
Jade ran her fingers down from my navel to my boxers, her fingers lingering over the bulge which was trying desperately to escape. "Oh, wow. I did this?" she asked.
I shrugged. "It wasn't the Easter Bunny."
what the crap does that even mean? is that supposed to be charming?
I sat down and said, "Just to warn you, the grinding was rubbing me a little raw. Might not be able to do much more."
Jade rubbed her hand on her panties. "I bet these won't be as rough as your pants were," she said as she sat down on me again. She slid experimentally on my lap, and she was right. Her pussy was hot and wet, and I could feel it right through my underwear.
okay. but - he is still wearing his underpants, which is the fabric that was actually rubbing over his peepee and causing him discomfort during the (deliberate) grindy-grind. the removal of the pants will make no difference to the chafing situation.
eventually it pops out of the little boxer-hole, so okay, problem solved, but before that - not an improvement, silly!.
and then a bizarre challenge to win the fair maid
She spread her legs again and sat down on top of me, this time taking my cock and positioning it against her panties directly. "If you can get through these, you can fuck me," she announced.
copious description follows, much of it is gross. he is straining against the crotch of her underpants with his penis, and there are all kinds of liquid noises and pleasure-noises, and eventually the motion of his ocean against the saturated underpants combines to create panty-destruction and he is able to intercourse her through the hole in her underpants. hooray!
and they can finally begin all the sexx with
flesh molding around each other in a dance as old as our species.
you know, or older. since other species reproduce this way, too.
Jade opened her mouth to breathe, and I stopped her by pulling her head down and kissing her.
because it's such a turn-off when ladies breathe.
then they're up from the chair and he's holding her still-attached body to him and
I took a step or two to get some distance, and then dropped down onto a pile of clean clothes to soften the fall.
because what's better to speed the grieving process than having to wash clothes you already washed that are now covered in your ex boyfriend's fuck juice??
but it's okay, because he has a moment of clarity. ish.
Jade gasped as the shock of the landing was transmitted into her pussy through my cock, then I used my weight to roll us over. There was no reason to fuck on top of my ex's clothes, particularly since she'd just lost her father."
i propose that the sentence could have ended at the word "fuck."
and it's like he's on a roll with these piercing moments of etiquette:
There was a brief pang of guilt as I remembered that this was supposed to be a funeral, but the feeling of Jade's pussy on my cock was enough to make me push away the guilt to focus on this.
"supposed to be"? it still IS a funeral, my friend.
and in the aftermath comes the philosophy:
"Never underestimate a dick's ability to overcome obstacles, as long as there's a vagina on the other side."
not sure if he is using the word "dick" to refer to a penis here, or to himself.
he examines the ruined panties which are, again, all she has to wear besides a shirt.
My cock had successfully punched a ragged quarter-sized hole through her panties, and her vaginal juices had soaked a bull's eye around the hole.
let's not applaud ourselves over a quarter-diameter measurement. ain't no one writing in their diary about that.
Jade took a look at her panties and swore softly. "I should have taken those off," she said as she stood up, letting the sexual fluids drip more freely from her vagina.
She threw one of the wadded-up tissues at me, and I ducked it reflexively.
and who's gets to clean that up? poor ugly lois, that's who!
When I looked back at her, her hands were on her hips, all modesty gone.
i'm pretty sure all modesty was gone when she decided to wear a shirt to a funeral, but we might have different working definitions of "modesty."
and then - jade spills about why she's so horny and damaged.
A couple of months ago, I found out that when I was pregnant … my husband slept with another woman because he didn't want to fuck me until I got my body back. I found out when his paychecks suddenly got smaller - he got her pregnant, and she stuck him for child support."
which sucks, and you may be tempted to feel sympathy for poor naked jade. BUT DON'T!
"As for this, Brent, don't worry. If I get pregnant, I'm not coming after you for the child support. I'd rather twist the knife by making him pay for both of my kids if we do divorce."
yayyyyy!!! a revenge-child!! way to lose any points you just earned in the sympathy olympics!
"We must do this again some time," I said.
Jade smiled shyly. "Well, at least until I make up my mind what I'm doing next," she said.
it's a little late to play coy, but okay.
I held up her panties, looking at her through the hole in the center. "I imagine this will present a problem for you, given what you're wearing."
Jade shuddered. "Well, you're the one who decided to convert them to crotchless."
WAIT, WHAT? please read back the transcripts. i seem to remember this being your suggestion, missy.
and let's have one more reason to kick brent:
Jade bent over and rooted through the pile of laundry on the floor, trying to find something she could wear. The years since my breakup with Lois hadn't been kind to her, and there was no way that Jade's slender hips could hold Lois's panties. But Lois's hotter sister was about the same size as Jade, and had been staying at the house since her father's death.
wow. way to add insult to insult, buddy.
I stepped into my tactical pants, one leg at a time
i'm not sure if this was another attempt at humor, but either way i hate it.
and now jade starts feeling shy about exiting the laundry room all rumpled and without panties
"Anything I can do for you?"
She sighed. "You can kick that window out and help me through it so I can drive away,"she said.
I shook my head."I'm afraid the grieving family wouldn't appreciate the broken window.
because NOW is the time to start thinking about them, after you've been discourteous enough to abandon the mourners to get some and then wipe it all over the clean clothes. oh, and using the death as a banter point?? fucked up.
will jade say one more dumb thing? yes! she will!
"I'll get in touch soon. I'm pretty sure I'm fertile right now, and the more I think about it, the more I want to have your baby to get back at my husband."
and so brent FINALLY goes out and joins the others again, leaving jade in the laundry room to exit later, so it won't look suspicious. (!!!???)
…then Lois raised her voice over in the living room and people started walking over to listen. She started talking about her father, what he'd meant to her, and that everyone who wanted a copy of the family photos she'd scanned could write their email address in the guestbook.
during all of this RUDE SPEECHMAKING, our hero texts jade to let her know she can come out of the laundry room unnoticed, since everyone else was being polite and honoring the solemnity of the occasion instead of texting some bimbo. he then has a little bro giggle with his friend over his conquest while lois is still going ON AND ON AND WHERE ARE HER MANNERS?
I smirked in reply, and joined the applause after Lois had finished her little speech. A lot of the more distant family had learned more about her father at his funeral than they had during his life, and it'd been an impressive life. The applause went on for quite a while.
too bad you were fucking some chick instead of honoring someone's impressive life.
so but happy ending!! two weeks later, jade is pregnant! presumably with brent's baby. and instead of a normal human reaction to this news, when jade is asked "So, what does that mean for us?" her response is, "That depends, doesn't it? Because I get horny when I'm pregnant, and if it's like last time, my husband won't even touch me once I start showing. You wouldn't want me to go unsatisfied, would you?"
because that's what he was asking about, you floozie, not about his responsibility/involvement in the life he will be bringing into the world, but about your horniness. boy, that's going to be one healthy relationship and one well-adjusted child.
and then it ends.
dear characters in erotic short stories - please have better manners next time. they, like STDs, are free.
number of times "smirk" or "smirked" can be found in this twenty-page story: 14
by which you can gauge what an insincere and annoying couple they are. ...more
Notes are private!
Feb 10, 2015
Feb 10, 2015
Apr 09, 2014
Apr 09, 2014
two gargoyles, one lady.
'cuz getting fucked once isn't funny.
so, every year, some of the ladies in my monsterporn group do a little secret santa cere two gargoyles, one lady.
'cuz getting fucked once isn't funny.
so, every year, some of the ladies in my monsterporn group do a little secret santa ceremony, and this is the one that was chosen for me.
so first, thank you secret dirty santa!
but gratitude towards my secret santa won't prevent me from poking a little fun at the book, because that's who i am.
this is not my first sexxy gargoyle rodeo, so if you find i haven't answered all your questions about gargoyle sex in this review, feel free to check in here for more:
sex with a gargoyle
all i know is that i would never want to have sex with a gargoyle because smearing bird poop onto flesh raw and abraded from jamming a rock up in my business is not a personal kink of mine. but to each their own.
so, our girl angie is having a party. yay, party! and during that party, she takes a gentleman up onto the roof for some sexxy drunken funtimes. yayyy sexxy drunken funtimes! and while she is bent over an air duct, she is in a position to notice, for the first time, that her rooftop has gargoyles on it! which is much more interesting than brian's lackluster thumping at her from behind. she decides to make the best of it and resorts to a little self-service because brian is just not getting the job done on his own.
and while she is tending her own garden, she's checking out those gargoyles. eyeballing their chests, torsos, perfectly muscled bellies… and speculating about the parts covered up by the carved loincloths.
and she's intrigued: Absurdly, I found myself wishing that it was one of them fucking me, instead of boring Brian.
because i guess she is turned on by rocks and bird poop.
and just when the combination of her fingers and her filthy imaginings of stonal penetration is about to get the job done, boring brian finishes his part of the fun, says "thank you," and refuses to assist angie in her own goals even though he is a guest at her party. rude.
You can't expect a lousy lay to finish the job.
brian heads back to the party (HER PARTY) with some bullshit
"Okay. So this was, um, nice," Brian said, and he gave me a smile as he shifted awkwardly. "We should, um, hang out again sometime."
but angie shoots that plan down because -no.
and she stays up on the roof to try to tamp down the half-stoked fires in her loins.
but then she decides to pursue an orgasm on her own because ladies don't need a brian when they have a rich fantasy life and their own two hands
and their own two gargoyles.
because just when angie is about to get to that point she is interrupted AGAIN! but this time, it's okay because she isn't being interrupted by brian's shortcomings (quickcummings), but by the entrance of some new players.
can you guess? can you even guess who??
like any good monsterporn heroine, angie misdoubts what she is seeing at first.
The mixture of wine and horniness was clearly getting to me, making me see things that just weren't real.
oh but they are real, they are really really real!
and they speak english and everything. deep-voiced sexxy english. and they start coming on to her, like overconfident giant things made of rocks will do. and it is a little alarming.
I'd never felt so small, never felt so very breakable, until that moment, faced with two giants made of stone.
It dawned on me that I should be afraid. Very afraid.
forgetting how she's been admiring their carved forms earlier, she tries to run, but falls over because - panties around knees.
which is still better than tripping over a sheep, but whatever.
and the chatty gargoyle reminds her, while pinning her down, sitting on her back and licking her with a stone-tongue, that she was all into them before she realized that they could actually do shit, so why run now?
and then it gets a little like this:
where angie is the books. and the gargoyles are facing the other way. and there's more erections. but you get the point.
and she stops being scared and just goes for it.
although throughout all the rubbing and fondling and other stone foreplay, she's still a bit confused.
Somewhere deep in my mind, part of me tried to make sense of what was happening, but as the two gargoyles enveloped me, touching, teasing, tasting me… That voice was quickly quieted, overpowered by the intense desire that was coursing through my veins, making every inch of my body feel alive and on fire.
which i assume is a figure of speech because ow.
but then she remembers there are TWO gargoyles. and how is she going to accommodate both of them? (and where did their stone loincloths go?? she doesn't wonder this - that is my wondering.)
then she figures out what they have in mind
My heart pounded at the mere thought of it. I'd never had anal sex; the idea had never even really occurred to me before. But right now, on this roof, with this impossibly sexy gargoyle kneeling behind me, moving his tongue over my ass…It suddenly seemed like a fantastic idea.
let's be truthful here. a woman who is sexually liberated enough to take a stranger up to a rooftop and bold enough to masturbate on the roof, en plein air on what i can only assume is not the only building of its height in the vicinity and therefore potentially visible to other apartment-dwellers has demonstrated a certain sexual appetite that suggests she at least considered anal sex. even if in an offhand way. anyone with a hole has at least had a drunken musing about its use as a sexhole. so don't say it never occurred to you, you liar. it very well may have never occurred to you to shove a gargoyle cock up there, but that's a different matter altogether. let's be precise when we speak.
I moaned and groaned and writhed as the gargoyle prepared me, easing his cool tongue into my tight back door and swirling it in a pattern that left me gasping for air.
okay, i have more questions. do these gargoyles, in mobile form, secrete moisture? because coolness is all well and good, but stone is stone and won't necessarily "prepare" anything unless there is some sort of lubricant involved. a backdoor virgin is going to need more than some cold rock to ease the passage.
but she seems to be past the point of feeling pain, all hopped up on endorphins, anticipation, and denial.
I felt like nothing more than a ragdoll, just a plaything for these two massive monsters. And I was loving every second of it.
but will she enjoy her UTI??
and then, in true monsterporn fashion, we get a giant character-backstory infodump at an entirely inappropriate time. no one wants to LEARN stuff when they are trying to get all hot and bothered.
I felt like a wild thing. Crushed between the two stone monsters, I was no longer Angelina, clumsy bookstore employee and romance novel addict. I was a being made up of pure lust. Wanton, insatiable, filled with carnal longing.
i'm glad she is employed, i guess, but what about all the sexxytimes? but at least now we know where her vocabulary for the passionate arts comes from!
back to the gargoyles. gargoyles are dirrrrty
sex proceeds they way sex does - things go in, things go out, everyone has a grand time for a few pages and then everyone has orgasms and is pleased with their accomplishments.
but wait. again
what, specifically, does the product of a gargoyle's orgasm resemble? i need to know what form gargoyle seed takes. is it gravel? wet cement?
is she going to lose her passageway when that shit dries? because this is more reason not to have sex with a statue. in case you needed more.
angie does not need more, because she is perfectly content with what went down.
That had happened, and it had been incredible. Exactly what I'd needed.
and then angie proves that she is much more refined, classy and polite than stupid old brian, and more grateful for services rendered. upon cooling down from her ardor, she finds the gargoyles returned to stone form, immobile once more.
I felt my lips break into a wide smile, and I bowed to the two massive stone statues. "Thank you for a wonderful evening, gentlemen." I said with a wink.
and that was my secret santa present!
thank you, smutty sammy!
because it's not a secret anymore!
Notes are private!
Dec 25, 2014
Dec 25, 2014
Aug 18, 2014
Aug 19, 2014
part of me wants to write a proper review for this book about a photojournalist who goes to alaska and discovers a sexxy polar bear shapeshifter among part of me wants to write a proper review for this book about a photojournalist who goes to alaska and discovers a sexxy polar bear shapeshifter among the regular polar bears just hanging out at a hot spring. and how she has sexual relations with him.
but the more frazzled part of me realizes i am 18 book reports behind and i just don't have the time to do them all justice, so instead i will just quote my favorite typo ever:
The bear man raised his head and yowled a release of his own. His thick cock twitched inside Abigail. She felt it contract and then spurt hot liquid deep into her worm.
Notes are private!
Dec 06, 2014
Dec 06, 2014
Mar 10, 2014
Mar 11, 2014
oh, mina shay - you've done it again. you have made a girl have some bizarre-assed intercourse with something no one has ever had intercourse with - t
oh, mina shay - you've done it again. you have made a girl have some bizarre-assed intercourse with something no one has ever had intercourse with - the man in the mirror.
don't be fooled - this story is not about michael jackson, but rather about a man in a mirror named jeremiah, but it's almost too easy, right?
soooooo in this story, we have a hottie named leah who bought a mirror at an estate sale one day only to take it home and find - GASP - there is a MAN where her reflection should be! a man dressed like he was roaming around a hundred years ago.
so, i guess like this:
she gets over the shock pretty quickly, and over time, she and jeremiah form an unusual friendship.
the mechanics of the mirror are not important here, so let's not get into any discussions about optics or plausibility. just know that jeremiah has been cursed to live there for reasons unknown, he can vanish at will to give leah the privacy to check out her booty or whatever, and that leah gabs to him all the time in these late night slumber-party like sessions where she totally friendzones him.
Leah knew he was a captive audience, but she used him as a confident for almost every aspect of her life. Especially her sex life.
jeremiah does not approve of leah's taste in men. she's prone to temporary arrangements with broad-shouldered jerks with whom there is no chance of a proper relationship. she wants to "live her life to the fullest" which means, to her: fucking all of the hot bad boys she'd been too shy to approach in college.
aim for the stars, leah! fill up that life! (where "life" roughly translates into "vagina.")
jeremiah tries to be the voice of reason, cautioning leah that bad boys aren't all that great (hence - "bad")
and that she should set her sights on someone a little more gentlemanly (HINT HINT!!)
"Look, we've gone over this Jeremiah. No more weak-willed guys for me. I'm tired of men who don't know how to take what they want. Nice guys finish last for a reason."
oh, leah. you sound like some character in a shitty romance novel. oh, WAIT!
after dismissing jeremiah and his advice, he fades away from view so she can get dressed. but it's really more like she gets undressed. and then she starts getting a little frisky with herself and her newly shaved nether regions. and of course, her full breasts.
She wasn't sure Jeremiah really could leave her completely alone, however he was good at remaining completely silent and giving her the illusion. Some nights she secretly hoped he was still present. Leah had found engaging in some light exhibitionism to be titillating, but she was too afraid to do it in public where real people might be watching. With Jeremiah it didn't seem quite so hard.
1) of course, the very definition of "exhibitionism" pretty much necessitates that it be public.
2) it's rude and bigoted to not consider jeremiah "a real person" considering how much of her bullshit he's had to listen to.
3) heh. she said "titillating."
4) heh. she said "hard."
so she decides to put on a little show, something she'd never done in this room before, either solo or with a lover, out of courtesy for her mirror-buddy. but it's a day of firsts: first time shaving her woo, first time getting all hot and bothered in front of her mirror.
Maybe a little more graphic exhibitionism wasn't so bad after all. She had some time to kill before her date tonight. Besides, Jeremiah was still living in the past. Maybe he should know that modern woman can be sexual creatures.
These were just excuses and Leah knew it, she just wanted to play with her newly shaven pussy in the comfort of her own bedroom.
and so she does.
description of masturbation ensues until
Leah became aware of some kind of change in the room.
She couldn't pinpoint it and opened her eyes. She didn't see anything different immediately.
Her eyes went next to the mirror. The reflection showed a nude male in her bedroom standing by her bed.
Leah panicked and looked again to the foot of the bed, where the reflection showed a man standing in the room. There was no man. She looked back to the mirror and clearly saw the form of a nude male. He had short, dark curly brown hair and a sinuous grace about his shoulders. The mirror only showed his back from this angle, but it was oddly familiar.
come on leah, use that college education of yours!
DING DING DING! IT'S JEREMIAH!
and while she can't see him in her immediate surroundings, she can see him in the mirror, but it's all backwards and crazy. a night of firsts, indeed.
for example, the first time jeremiah gets a little snippy with her:
"Leah, you've always gone for the bad boys. You are living proof that it's not that nice guys finish last, but that they never finish at all. I'm tired of being the nice guy."
uh-oh. mirror boy is rising to meet her challenge of men who take what they want. and now it's ON!
he climbs into her bed, which she can discern from the indentation of the duvet and what's happening in the mirror, but she can't actually see jeremiah on the bed. she can feel his hand on her as he pulls her own hand away from its pitiful attempt to cover her boob, but she can't see it happening in front of her. DISCONCERTING!
here's an outline of what happens next:
-she feels his lips on her neck
-he squeezes her boob
-he climbs on top of her, pinning her to the bed.
-he kisses her savagely
-more boob-action: pinching and pulling and hands moving roughly
all of that takes an entire NOOK-page and then she tries to push him off, with a cry of "What are you doing?"
leah requires exposition, to the groaning of the audience who is reading this for the sexxy bits but to the delight of the ME, who loves how long it takes these girls to clock what's going on. silly girls!
"I'm just taking what I want. You said you preferred men who take what they want, remember?"
OH RIGHT I DID SAY THAT!!
but leah is still stuck on this jeremiah not being a "real" man thing, just cuz he's a reflection in the mirror and an invisible weight in the where-she's-at.
she shoves at him some more, declaring that he isn't a real man, and he's all "I'm real enough, and I've listened to you talk about real men for far too long. Time to find out if you really believe the things you say."
and this is why we don't masturbate in front of mirrors.
so he keeps at it, even though he complains about how skinny modern chicks are, which i think is supposed to make the readers cheer? and eventually leah starts to get into it.
Leah looked down her body, still trying to reconcile not being able to see Jeremiah but seeing the evidence of his flesh against her chest.
which i think means she sees her boobs getting all smooshed, which would be pretty funny.
He was rougher than she might have asked for, but Leah soon realized that her body craved the stronger touch.
yeah, leah! commit to all that shit you been saying about bad boys. bad boys don't bring flowers.
His insistent touch was undeniable and thrilled her in a way she didn't understand.
this does not surprise me. i'm beginning to think leah might be a little dumb.
She gasped with relieve when she finally felt his balls slap up against her. She may not be able to see what was going on, however Leah knew he was buried hilt deep into her.
yes. that is what it means when you can feel the balls, leah.
so they have all kinds of intercourse for a few pages and there are orgasms.
Jeremiah's entity had a physical aspect that she could touch and feel, but when his supernatural fluid splashed into her core she was genuinely shocked.
but then we don't get to learn anything more about this fluid, which is very disappointing.
is it like this??
enquiring minds want to know!
sated, leah tries for some pillow-talk, like their late night chats of yore, but jeremiah totally burns her:
"That was unbelievable," she whispered.
"You are unbelievable yourself, in your own way," he replied.
but leah doesn't seem to notice his dis, and the tale ends on this zinger of wordplay:
Leah picked up the cell phone on her bedside table and called to cancel the date with Bobbie. She wouldn't be seeing him again. She was done with seeing men.
GET IT!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA AMAAAAZING!
i actually did like that.
so, hopefully there will be more sexxytimes in store for leah and jeremiah. she's got a lot of invisible joy in store for her, i'll bet!
Notes are private!
Nov 28, 2014
Nov 28, 2014
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014
i mean, how could i NOT read a monsterotica book about a god made of wood? i mean, he is MADE of WOOD. and he is a GOD. and he is MADE of WOOD!
i mean, how could i NOT read a monsterotica book about a god made of wood? i mean, he is MADE of WOOD. and he is a GOD. and he is MADE of WOOD!
just when i had begun to despair that i had reached the very apogee of imaginative monsterporn, and would have to slog through MORE werewolves, MORE aliens ad nauseam, mina shay comes through with a GOD of WOOD. which isn't even a thing. so thank god for the fertile imagination of monsterporn writers. you are all stars.
unfortunately, this one wasn't awesome. strictly in terms of being funny/fun to review, if you are reading these for the sexxy bits, this one has them. and it's got a truly gobsmacking premise, but it's very short, and it lacks some of the silly bits i have come to crave from my monsterotica. but never fear - there is still fun to be poked!
lindsay has started her own business. lean in, girl! she and her boyfriend aaron, described here as "blundering" but "persistent," run a dildo company called "hemlock creations." aaron is in charge of gathering the hemlock, while lindsay carves it into custom-made dildos. because when i sit around, thinking "what would i MOST want to ram into my vajayjay right now??," the answer is always
varnish doesn't solve all of life's problems.
so one day, lindsay is blithely carving up one of her creations when she hears someone enter her studio. but it is not aaron, oh no - aaron has been incapacitated by a creature wanting to know who has been cutting down all the hemlock, and has come to investigate.
why, it's THE GOD OF WOOD!
He was roughly humanoid in shape. Two arms, two legs and a central trunk and head…His legs looked like two thick tree trunks and were covered in bark. His arms were smaller, smoother tree limbs that bent where an elbow should be and ended in several long vine-like tendrils instead of a hand with fingers. His face was more smooth bark, however moss grew on his face and formed a kind of beard. In fact, she noted the patches of moss occurred wherever a human man might have hair: on his head, the area that correlated to the armpit, there was even a patch of moss down where the two leg trunks met up with his hardwood abdomen.
and what does he want?
"I am the god and protector of this hemlock wood, and you will answer for your crimes."
lindsay is much cooler under pressure than i would be if a giant tree came into my place and started bellowing at me.
"Hey slow down a moment there, Mister Hemlock! What crimes do you think I committed," she challenged him.
ummmm maybe all the DILDOS YOU MADE FROM MY FRIENDS???? he more or less says.
"Oh," she said, realization crossing her face. "These are all made from hemlock branches. It's the hardest of the soft woods, you see. And there's a marketing angle, too. Hemlock causes death if taken in large doses. But our product means women all over the world can take in smaller doses so as to achieve the 'little death,' It's our company tag line."
he is unimpressed by this businesswoman's (s)explanation, but that doesn't stop her - she babbles more of her mission statement, like she's a girl scout selling calendars in july.
"Oh, but don't you see? This little death from our hemlock dildos is providing the ultimate service to our, er, human customers. Every dildo is hand carved and to exact specifications from our clientele. This is a boutique operation, and every piece of hemlock that we've harvested has been used for the countless joy of people everywhere. Sometimes that joy is brought several times per night! The wood may not be used for fire or building shelter, but it's most certainly being used to benefit humanity."
i mean, a-plus for effort, but were the situation reversed, i doubt lindsay would be super-thrilled to learn that her toddlers were being harvested by tree-creatures to shove into their knotholes
and the GOD of WOOD is not swayed by her sales pitch.
he notices a shelf of dildos, and SOMEHOW surmises that these have not ever been used. lindsay stammers about how this is her first business venture carving dildos out of wood, and that those were failed practice attempts, not fit for customer use. that she for some reason keeps on a shelf instead of disposing of. but GOD of WOOD does not like waste, and wonders aloud if she has ever even used them on herself.
"Hey, that's a bit personal isn't it?"
i think that when you make sex toys out of another person's buddies for profit, you automatically forfeit the right to get offended at personal questions.
and GOD of WOOD agrees. so he's going to make sure that all the trees stolen from his protected grove are used and used well. he is going to test drive those puppies all up in their creator. but does a tree even know how to please a lady?
"I possess the collective knowledge of every tree in this forest. I know what's been done under the boughs and the cover of darkness. It's time to put some of that knowledge to use."
not the most compelling argument. if watching porn made you an expert on sex, 14-year-old boys would be AMAZING at it. please don't field test this unless you are yourself under 18. and if you are under 18, please stop reading this right now.
and it begins. and GOD of WOOD begins to disrobe her.
Lindsay's chest was small enough that she didn't always wear a bra. She briefly wondered how the tree god would have managed the intricate clasp on a bra had she been wearing one.
answer soon revealed:
The prehensile vine-fingers pulled at her top button until it popped free. Hemlock then deftly unzipped the cut-offs.
and then FINALLY she asks herself the question that these heroines always ask themselves, always way too late:
What am I doing?"
you are doing the GOD of WOOD, sweetie.
and he is bringing in all of his sexxy leaves and vines, along with her not-good-enough-to-sell dildos. oh, the humanity.
and he uses the first one upon her, with all of his observed skillz, and brings her a little death.
there, that fwiend has served his purpose.
"No waiting," he said. "We begin again."
lesson one: you are never free of your own past failures.
Lindsay gasped for air. She turned her head to the side and looked at the storage shelf of her practice dildos. She groaned as she saw several more unused hemlock dildos on the shelf. Lindsay hoped she could survive this rapid succession of little deaths.
lesson two: take out your damn trash.
and then, on page 10 of 11, this happens
Realization struck home. Lindsay was being mounted by a god of the wood.
because now, after an hour, the GOD of WOOD has gone through all of the faulty dildos. and now he's ready to see what this sexual intercourse is all about.
SEED DISPERSAL IS FOR CHUMPS!
because, suddenly, he has a penis. but don't worry - there's no bark on his cock. because that would be weird, right, if there was bark on the tree's cock? or if trees had cocks?
but science and monsterporn are like clark kent and superman - never the twain and all...
His fucking grew hard like the shaft of wood he was thrusting into her.
and then science rolls over in its drunken stupor and vomits a little
Lindsay felt a distinct change in the wooden cock buried deep inside of her pussy. Unlike the dildos from before, Hemlock seemed to be pulsing inside of her. Natural wood couldn't do that.
this is so true.
Hemlock twitched and spurted hot liquid against her inner walls. Lindsay could feel the odd cock pulsing in her, spraying more of his seed deep into her womb with each pulse.
science, please come back!! please!!! bring socrates and explain this to me! what is this liquid?? is this going to poison her to death?? i need to see a cross section of a GOD of WOOD so i can understand how this is happening.
mina shay is mum on the subject.
but, as always, she leaves it open (heh) for a sequel.
GOD of WOOD, you have pleased me. and taught me a valuable lesson.
i am going to take out my trash now. ...more
Notes are private!
Nov 10, 2014
Nov 10, 2014
Dec 22, 2013
Dec 22, 2013
the book has the distinction of being the most poorly-written bit of monsterotica i have ever read. and considering the ... laxities of the genre, tha the book has the distinction of being the most poorly-written bit of monsterotica i have ever read. and considering the ... laxities of the genre, that's quite impressive. as always with my monstersex reviews, i'm gonna give it all away, like a heroine in a monsterporn, so if you want to be surprised by the twists and turns this story takes, stop reading here.
sammy already reviewed this one, and she does a really good job pointing out some of the failings of this particular tale. i am going to try not to echo what she's already covered, but some of it bears repeating.
monsterotica does not undergo a rigorous editorial process even in the best cases. and that's fine. i can read past the misplaced apostrophes, the misuse of taught/taut and vice/vise (also misused in this one), but there's a limit. this one suffers from all of the above as well as ceaseless repetition, alluding to things not covered in the story as though the reader is familiar with them, and just really shoddy writing. and it's infuriating.
exaggerating? not hardly. i know reviewers of Fifty Shades of Grey have counted the number of times that girl bites her lip or invokes her inner goddess, but here? the word "beast" is used 34 times. "rock hard cock" is used 6 times. "ribbed cock" is used 4 times. which i guess isn't that many, but considering this is a NINE page story, it's worth noting.
there are several times where a word is used incorrectly
I lost conscious.
My heart started to pounder faster and faster, and I started to scream louder and louder while gritting my teeth.
My pussy was being driven to its very limits, panting fervently in pleasure with each thrust.
it's just sloppy, and even a casual glance over the story by the author should have caught things like
And so I got on his knees and prepared to give my alien beast my mouth.
When he entered inside, I let out the hardest scream in my life.
and the repetition is truly abysmal
Tears flowed down my eyes, and I closed my eyes as hard as I could, trying not to look.
The lens gaze moved down towards my exposed pussy, carefully examining my aroused, wet pussy.
and dear god, this
His seed drove me wild, as his seed rushed to fill my swollen pussy.
it's almost insulting to have to read prose like this.
but i promised you a detailed plot summary, so here we go. our unnamed heroine is in china. why?? because this:
This was the perfect vacation I needed to get away from everything. I was dreading what my life had become. My husband divorced me, and caused me serious emotional damage. All of my friends became distant with their lives, and I was getting tired of the monotony of living in the Midwest. There was no better way but to run away to a new country. So I signed up for the Peace Corps and got located in China. Living there, I felt like I was living with aliens every day.
let's gloss over the "chinese people are like aliens" part, the shifting verb tenses and the generally clunky prose to focus on the fact that she equates the peace corps with a vacation. this is very indicative of her personality and might be the most problematic thing in the story, for me.
i mean, until this:
I took in a deep breath, taking in all the clean air my tiny lungs could fill.
ugh. a thesaurus and a dictionary would be incredibly useful in fixing that sentence. or an understanding of how lungs work.
so, she has been climbing "for 7 hours" and gets to the top just in time for the sunrise. sammy did an excellent job ranting about this particular detail. but ALSO - she is supposed to be in some remote village off in the countryside, and yet she is remarking on the clean air and the fact that the sky is "normally covered in smog." which i believe is true of densely populated, industrialized areas, but much less of a problem off in the hinterlands.
more messy sentences, right in a row:
1) I tried to shift my gaze away, but at the corner of my eye I could notice the light growing larger.
2) It wasn't until it was too late that I noticed it was getting closer to me.
3) My body was too tired to resist, the light was becoming too bright for me as I closed my eyes trying to resist.
to catch you up - she sees a light, gets tired, loses "conscious," and then
When I came into being again, my vision had doubled, but the sore in my legs had mysterious vanished.
i assume she means "soreness" from climbing, but she had never mentioned this "sore" until now, when it is no longer relevant. and don't get me started on "came into being again." or how adverbs enjoy a good "-ly."
sooooo she wakes up naked and strapped down on a table, with lights shining on her, surrounded by machines and holograms. she figures out she has been abducted and is on an alien spaceship. and complains in her head.
All I could think was why me? Surely in a country with the largest population in the world, they could've picked someone who wasn't a foreigner trying to enjoy her vacation. Maybe if I could just do what my father told me and blink my eyes twice, I'd surely wake up.
this is the first (and last) mention of a father, and nowhere had she mentioned this eye-blinking ritual. but it is the second time she talks about enjoying her vacation when she is supposed to be helping people, even though she does not speak the language and sees them as aliens. short aliens.
and an extraterrestrial is not going to acknowledge that you are a foreigner. to them, we're all foreigners, you goose.
a machine begins to explore her.
The arms were grazing over my body, its cold touch that made me want to squeal against the warm temperature of the room.
words in sentences are friends - they always want to agree. "arms" is not agreeing with "its." that sentence is fighting. also, in keeping with the rest of the writing - this is the first time the room's temperature is mentioned.
The arms continued to explore me, slowly moving towards my sex, trying to brush against the opening. Another arm, made light pinches against my nipples. I could feel my nipples turning hard, and I slowly opened my eyes to take a peek. Graphs, numbers, and strange characters could be seen on the holograms, a lens making eye contact with me. None of the arms had anything malicious like a needle filled with an unknown substance, or any knives. Relieved, I began to relax myself or at least tried to. To my surprise, the arm covering my mouth retracted itself. Did these aliens who are operating the machine have any feelings?
commas where no comma should be, missing commas where a comma is needed, unnecessary words like "myself" and "itself," odd expectations of what constitutes danger, and bizarre logical leaps. it's a shitshow.
and it continues
Another arm came over to massage my other nipple. The arms twisted, pinched, massaged my nipples, each motion carefully planned to arouse me to its fullest. It had been so long since I had some foreplay, ever since he left me, even if it was not what I expected.
seriously, enough with the nipples. we get it: the arm is tweaking the nipples. and etc etc on that last sentence. bad writing is excruciating. and while we're at it, what on earth is "a roaring moan?"
I'm sure I embarrassed myself with the lens focused intently on my glowing red face. Some pervert was enjoying himself, I'm sure of it.
so much surety. so much disagreement within the sentences.
I should be terrified, and sickened but there was this strange sense of curiosity. Perhaps it was the adventurer in me that I wanted to find the answers.
i can't anymore. my red pen is out of ink.
are you ready for the alien's first contact??
"Greetings. I am what you humans might call an alien. I am Chojal, the captain of this ship."
It was an alien, and he spoke perfect American English. Things were getting weird by the minute.
YEAH, THANKS - WE JUST READ THAT. and he speaks better than you do. the word is "weirder."
and there's not much that's weirder than her oddly formal response to him.
"Just what do you want with me? I'm just a poor ordinary woman," I said.
which is fair enough, because throughout the rest of the story, for a grand total of seven times, he calls her "milady." with no explanation.
the alien does not resemble her previous conception of an alien, which she will describe. clumsily. throwing "is" and "was" willy nilly like words don't got rules.
I got a better look at just how huge this alien is. It was nothing like I had pictured aliens to look like, with their oddly shaped head, their large black beady eyes, their green slimy skin. He had yellow eyes, gray slimy skin, with a chiseled jaw. The antennae swayed back and forth, it looked cute excluding his beastly body. He had to have stood at least 9 foot, completely naked, his muscles large and bulging.
yellow eyes, not black.
gray slimy skin, not green slimy skin.
like apples and oranges, yeah?
so, he tells her that his race has been having difficulty with infertility (it's okay - it happens to a lot of aliens) and after searching "galaxy after galaxy" for thousands of years and abducting hundreds of humans, she is the first creature they have found compatible enough to breed with. so they're gonna have the sex.
her thoughts on the matter?
I couldn't imagine what it'd be like seeing him completely aroused, erect, and inside my aching pussy.
aroused AND erect, you say?? and if it's inside you, you won't be able to see it, honey. your pussy ain't a glass-bottomed boat.
but she's ready for the lovemaking.
I wasn't sure if he was exaggerating, but it's not like I could say no to such a strong, masculine alien.
nope, no way to say "no!"
The door slid open and I'm greeted to a well decorated luxurious bedroom.
sigh. i give up.
so she's game, but i feel like she's phoning it in
Oh, how I wanted to be fucked so hard. Never had I wanted to be fucked so hard in my entire life as if there's this newly awakened euphoria within me.
never have i heard such lackluster, robotic consent.
there is poorly written intercourse, a repetition of the "roaring moan" of earlier, and more disregard for how words work
He altered his pace; going slow before fervently licking my clit to stopping. Unable to control myself, I let out a roaring moan. I was starting to become in tune with my primal instincts and within seconds, I had become a beast as well.
Filled with nothing but desire to fuck until my release. I couldn't stand the teasing any longer, and I felt my pussy getting wetter and my clit aching relentlessly. I moved in to grab his wrist, and oh did I realize just how tiny I was compared to this inhumanly large framed alien who's up against me. He paused for a moment before his head slowly turned up, and gave me a menacing, violent stare.
"What is the meaning of this!?" the alien beast screamed out, letting out a roar of his own.
My heart started beating faster as if I thought that wasn't possible. I look down at the alien beast, and can see the signs of his throbbing had cock.
"I…want it…" I said softly.
dude, you were getting it…
and then he makes her beg for it, which is weird if this is for breeding purposes to assist HIS damn species. and, as with all other breeding porn i have read - a lot more oral and anal than is helpful for the desired goal.
With its incredible height, and coordination, his hand slid down to my clit thumbing it gently. I moaned, before the beast unleashed his lustful fury and began his thrusting his cock relentlessly. Everything was rushing and raging inside of me in an ecstasy beyond imagination. I only heard myself cry out, as I embraced the beast fully, just seeing how strong and rock hard his body really is.
beast beast beast
he has a fucking name, kiddo.
unless - wait - is milady her name?
food for thought.
I was licking like my life counted on it, and I used my god given women's touch to sooth and ease the beast's cock to filling me with his seed.
that is not what god intended. and that's the sooth.
i will leave you with one more long, illustratively horrible passage.
The beast slowly began to draw out his cock. As he did, I could feel every intricate texture, and nuance that his cock had. The ribbed texture rubbed against the walls of my prostate and I gasped, grabbing onto the sheets as hard as i could. Finally when his dick was fully drawn out, I collapsed onto the sheets, still shaking violently. The pleasure was still relentlessly, coursing throughout my whole body. I was filled to the brim with the alien's seed, ready to pass on as hope to the Eruzan race. I was complete. I closed my eyes. I was completely finished.
i, too, am completely finished. this review has been too much for me.
no, WAIT! one more. the last paragraph needs to be shared:
He walked out of the room and with that I closed my eyes. Just what new adventures awaited for me? Only the child growing inside me could answer that question.
what a fantastic ending. so a) she's sure she is pregnant from this single encounter. which, granted, went on foooreeeeever. but b) why is the child the only one who will know what adventures await her?? is she not going to be present for her own adventures??? and will it know the answers while it is growing inside of her? because that sentence is confusing. unless this is her glass-bottomed vagina at work again.
okay - there's tons more i could cover here, but life's too short. ...more
Notes are private!
Oct 13, 2014
Oct 14, 2014
Oct 13, 2014
Jan 01, 2014
Feb 06, 2014
"So you'll do it?" Amanda asks me.
I sigh. Why not? What do I have to lose? It's not like the Nightmare Man is real or anything.
i did not anticipate th
"So you'll do it?" Amanda asks me.
I sigh. Why not? What do I have to lose? It's not like the Nightmare Man is real or anything.
i did not anticipate that this would be a drunken book review, but shit happened, and now i am drunk, and now we're off!!! all the usual warnings about the fact that i intend to go over the entire plot, so if you do not want this story spoiled for you, do not read this review.
so here we go - the nightmare man!!! the nightmare man can be summoned following a really complicated set of rules. why would you want to summon him?? so you can boast about it on the internet, duh! amanda is a believer, kelly is a skeptic, but since amanda is too much of a fraidy-cat to summon him, it is up to kelly to show her how wrong she is.
here are the rules (asterisks mine):
THE MIDNIGHT GAME
At 11:11 you may begin prepping for the ritual - not before then, not after.
Gather all of your supplies into the room you'll be playing the game in. Make sure you choose an open room with no doors. Doors are the gateway, and your boundaries. Whatever you do, do not open any doors in your house*, or go up/down any stairs.
Cover any windows so that they block out all possible light (natural or not).
Cut three locks of hair** and place it in the ash tray.
Write your name three times on a small rectangular piece of paper. Crumble it and put it in the ash tray.
At 12pm***, the game will begin.
Turn off all of the lights in your house.
Take your candle, and your ashtray**** to your front door and place both directly in front of your door*****. Pierce any finger on your right hand with the needle****** and allow one drop of blood to drip over the paper and your hair*******. Light the candle and use that to light the contents of the ashtray on fire.
Leave the candle burning bright next to the ashes on your door step. If the candle burns out before you enter, do NOT relight it - end the game, leave the house, and try another night. DO NOT ENTER THE HOUSE IF THIS HAPPENS.
Knock three times on your own door. Wait for a moment, then step inside, closing the door behind you.
You have now opened the portal to invite the Nightmare Man in.
Keep nothing on your person besides your cell phone and salt********. You may use your cell phone for light only*********. Do NOT, under any circumstance, contact anyone while the game is still going. Do not call or text ANYONE - you will be putting them in grave danger. The only contact you can have is with your witness, who you must instruct to call you at exactly 3:30 PM**********, - not after and definitely not before. Then have them blow out the candle, and enter the house. This is the only way to portal can officially close.
Do not, under any circumstances, leave the house until the portal is closed.
You may now wait in your designated space for the Nightmare Man to arrive - we highly suggest you keep a wall to your back.
okay, wow, so we have a lot to cover here.
* so, i'm pretty confused about this "open room with no doors" business. this doesn't mean no doorways, right? just no doors that can be slammed?? like so this is okay:
but this would be a no:
because otherwise, all i can think of is some weird concrete bunker that you enter through a window. which is a rare architectural design. and what about windows?? windows are kosher here? i mean, except for the covering up. but they can be open??
** what exactly does constitute "a lock" of hair?? because i always thought a lock of hair was an amount sufficient enough to be crammed into some victorian mourning locket, so three is a significant amount and pretty demanding from some specter. we will come back to this point TWO more times in this review.
*** so, um… noon?? an unorthodox time to summon a hell demon, but now i understand why the windows needed to be covered - you don't want the noise of all the neighborhood kids running after the ice cream truck ruining your fun demon time.
**** oh, so the third time you use it you realize that "ashtray" is a compound word?? and don't bother to correct it the first two times? lazy monsterporn writer.
***** this is when it would have been helpful to indicate that you are meant to be outside your door at this point. sloppy instructions are how people get raped and killed by demons.
****** this is the first mention of a needle. as any cookbook/crafting/home improvement author will tell you - having a list of "necessary ingredients/supplies at the BEGINNING of the instructions would be really helpful. especially in a case like this, where everything seems so delicately balances and the consequences of flubbing the steps are more serious than a burnt casserole.
******* okay, so this is when the whole "how big is a lock of hair" question resurfaces. because a single drop of blood is meant to drip over this paper AND three locks of hair?? that seems unlikely.
******** seven?? are we at seven asterisks now?? i am bad at math. okay - so this is also unclear to me. does this mean in your pockets? or on your body?? if you wear glasses, do those need to be removed? wedding rings, invisaligns, a jaunty cap??? where is the line drawn??
********* how do the keepers of the nightmare man even know about cell phones?? so this is like some modern day, tech-savvy demon and not some ancient evil?? it's somehow less scary this way.
********** again - in the afternoon. a 5 year old could have set you straight on this.
phew! that took a lot out of me!! and i have to make dinner before project runway, so let's call this part one of a monsterporn review, and i will finish it up next chance i get, but i do not guarantee i will still be drunk. much.
okay, here i am to finish this off, unfortunately for all of us, i am sober.
so!! we are all clear on the rules, and now it is time for amanda and kelly to have their last-minute conversation about "is it a good idea to summon demons or whatever." kelly doesn't believe in this shit, so she's very boastful:
"Hey, don't worry about me." I raise my fists and say, "I'm going to be fine, an if any spirits come at me I can take em."
amanda is not reassured, even though this was pretty much her idea. way to get cold feet, amanda!
"Didn't you read the accounts I showed you online? One girl woke up with scratches all over her back, and another - well he wasn't hurt but something got in him. Like, in his mind," Amanda said. She looked shaken to the core.
well, spoiler alert, it's not kelly's mind amanda should be so concerned about the monster getting into, if you know what i mean…
but there wouldn't be a story if they didn't go through with it, so let's see what happens!
I glance down at my cell phone - it's now two hours into the game and absolutely nothing has happen. Like I figured. We set up everything perfectly - the candle is burning bright outside my door with Amanda parked across the street, keeping an eye on the house. If anything had happened, like the candle blowing out, she would have told me.
okay, wait - according to the RULES - those confusing and convoluted RULES, how can amanda call her if the candle burns out if The only contact you can have is with your witness, who you must instruct to call you at exactly 3:30 PM, - not after and definitely not before??? does this only apply to outgoing calls?? again, this whole inclusion of cellphones in the instructions seems less mystical than it should.
even kelly is fed up with these rules:
I promised Amanda I'd follow the rules, but the rules are just so fucking boring.
and this is how she gets into trouble.
I pick up my smart phone and start browsing through my emails, which are mainly spam and ads…
that sentence made me so sad. kelly, why don't you have any friends???
well, you're about to make a really good friend right now because you have disobeyed!!!!
There's nothing there. There's nothing there. There's nothing there. There's something there.
it is a malevolent shadow!! and it spooks her! and, not learning from her errors, she continues to flagrantly disregard that whole rule thing and runs upstairs:
I know the rules said not to do this, but fuck the rules.
fuck the rules, indeed!
but even though she has already fooled around on the internet and checked her sad impersonal inbox (heh - inbox) and run up the stairs, breaking rules left and right, she holds herself back from breaking another rule
my thumb hovers over the buttons and I stop myself - shit, I can't do anything or call anyone until 3:30, and it's barely even 3am.
oh, NOW it's "am." again - going back and editing your monsterporn is part of the job.
and NOW you follow the rules. this is kind of the one you want to disobey - when the monster is all up in your personal space and you might need a little outside help.
oh, and you want to know what this nightmare man looks like, do you?? here you go:
I watch as the shadow takes on the a familiar, human form - but it's anything but human. Right before my eyes, it materializes - I watch in horror as it forms long twisted legs with hoof like feet, muscular, vein covered arms with long dark claws. It's body is huge - it must be at least 7 feet tall with a broad chest. And that face - that hollow, sunken face, with nothingness for eyes. It's barely more than skull, with sharp teeth bared. That face will be seared into my consciousness until I die.
And then I quickly realize that I might die tonight.
there ya go!! the nightmare man!
so she has freaked out and runs into a room (upstairs!!) and barricaded the door, but - pfffft - the nightmare man is STRONG! and BOOM - breaks down the door and grabs her, holding her up in the air with her back pressed against the wall. (because HE follows the rules for her)
she begs for her life, and promises she will do anything if he will spare her.
and the nightmare man accepts her offer
"Remove," it hisses, giving my bra a snap.
he continues his hissed demands for her disrobing and explored her with his claws.
Dear God, please don't put that in there!
oh, but again - that wouldn't be much of a story, would it??
so he totally does. and then he grabs her by her ankles and holds her upside-down with her legs wide apart and begins to explore her with his forked tongue.
An inexplicable moan escapes my throat as I feel it continue to worm and roll inside me.This can't be right - why does it feel so fucking good?
well, kelly, allow me to teach you a little bit about the female anatomy: when pressure is applied to the clitoris (located above the vagina opening), it creates a pleasurable sensation because of a bundle of sensitive nerves. THAT is why it feels so fucking good.
also, it looks like a penguin
My body arches as it slivers out of me…
and then he throws her on the ground and puts his tongue in her mouth, then sits her up and put something else in her mouth. and it's not a thermometer!!!!
there is some squirting, which is a really gross word, but he's still ready for more!
he plops her on her hands and knees and continues to make love to her as only a nightmare man can. and poor kelly endures his attentions
You can do this. You can do this, I tell myself. There isn't long to go before this wretched night is over and I'm free of this creature.
and haven't we all been there, ladies??
and then it reads like a game of diabolical sex-twister, which i will hide beneath spoiler-tags for the sake of both the children and the grammarians:
while she is on fours,
(view spoiler)[The demon angles itself so that it's hoof-like foot is pressed tightly against my head, pinning me to the ground as it rams me hard with it's cock. My nerves stand on end at the touch of it's tongue running over my back and down between my teeth, slithering between my cheeks and teasing the perimeter of my asshole. I grip the carpet, gasping in air at the sensation of it's fork tongue forcing it's way inside, filling both my holes. (hide spoiler)]
i will allow that to sink in.
are you picturing this?? this seems awkward, no? with where the feet are and how that affects the … motion of the ocean, and that tongue joining the party while that room is already occupied??? it is very complicated, demon sex….
but that "fork tongue"
aaaand that's the story.
oh, but it's not!! because there is a funny trick played by the demon straight out of the gremlins playbook
which causes kelly to answer her ringing phone three minutes before the approved time. (which is here stated as "am," even though the rules specifically say pm, so who knows if it would even have mattered, since it was well before 3:30 pm)
oh, and it might not have been a gremlins trick, actually - because kelly does think - Shit, why didn't we think to synchronize our phones?! so it might have been human error and not demon tomfoolery, but then i wouldn't have gotten a chance to use that gremlins GIF, so let's just roll with it.
and what do you think happened because of this early call??
kelly runs outside to amanda's car and - OH MY GOD SHE IS GONE!!!
with three long blonde hairs placed strategically across the street. and this is where the second instance of the "what is a lock of hair" question resurfaces. (you thought i forgot, didn't you? i never forget. that is my curse.) my conclusion is that she meant "strands" of hair and not "locks" of hair in the instructions. so if you are going to summon the demon yourself for sexxy funtimes, i think you should just use strands, because the demon isn't gonna want some chick with raggedy hair, and no one has drops of blood that huge.
a fun game i played, which i assure you, is less blucky than the midnight game, is "count the misused apostrophes!"
100 instances of correctly-used apostrophes. good for you!! they were mostly in words like "can't" and "don't."
37 instances of incorrectly-used apostrophes. it's and its. they are different words.
because this kind of made my head explode:
(view spoiler)[The demon wraps it's strong claw tight around my neck and brings me to a sitting position. It stands over me, it's slick cock jutting out from between it's legs like a sword. The creature brings it's member to my lips and I part them, allowing it entrance. (hide spoiler)]
Notes are private!
Sep 17, 2014
Sep 17, 2014
Jan 12, 2014
Jul 12, 2014
SEXYTIMES WITH PUFFERS!
okay, so if you are planning on reading this book at any time (and of course you are - it is both free and about sex with a puf SEXYTIMES WITH PUFFERS!
okay, so if you are planning on reading this book at any time (and of course you are - it is both free and about sex with a puffer-shifter), know that in this review, i will be giving a lot of plot points away. if you like to be surprised by the story arcs in your monsterporn, probably you will want to stay away from this review until you have enjoyed the book for yourself. but if you like reading about monsterporn more than reading monsterporn, carry on.
SO - dana is a marine biologist working on the piranha research team at a shady research facility. "research" might be imprecise, as she isn't really entrusted with the full scope and details of the project, she only knows that the piranhas which she is tending have been genetically modified to be more aggressive than usual.
i also doubt that she is actually a marine biologist. she seems to be more accurately described as a poolgirl, because she doesn't do or say anything particularly science-y.
BUT SO one night, as she is monitoring the pool, or at least standing near it without any clipboards or lab coats or anything that gives her a science vibe, she notices a shiny object at the bottom of the pool, glimpsed through the schools of angry fishies and thinks - i should investigate this!
using a pool net proves unsuccessful in scooping up the object, although the motion does attract the piranhas, who attack the net with toothy curiosity.
so dana knows she's gonna have to actually get into the water. now - since these are not your mama's piranhas, entering the tank requires a whole bunch of annoying steps:
It would take about ten minutes to put on all of the necessary layers and seal the diving helmet, including the standard issue swimming suit.
standard issue swimming suit??? does that mean she has to....?? you got it!!
Dana stripped off her outer clothes. She was about to remove her panties and bra when she heard one of the secure doors open.
oh no! who is invading her secure door???
That was Paul, the hottie from the Puffer Fish Division.
despite his hottie-ness, dana is outraged!! not because she is all sorts of déshabillé but on the grounds that
This was a secure room and he didn't have the necessary security clearance, and he'd probably screw up her research.
which "research" component of her job we have yet to see, but i'm sure he would totally screw it up by walking through a door.
then in true bella swan fashion, the entrance of a handsome man coupled with her subsequent animated scolding of him causes her to slip in a puddle and crack her head on the edge of the pool as she falls into the water. the very same water in which all those hyper-aggressive piranhas are still riled up from the net-party. while she is all vulnerable in just her underclothes.
this is high dramatic tension.
she is sinking towards the bottom of the pool, all dizzy and horrified, anticipating the feasting of a million hungry fish-mouths when she hears another splash.
She tried to twist towards the sound. Had Paul jumped in too? Some sort of misguided attempt to rescue her? The fool was about to get eaten alive just like her. So much for good intentions. He'd gotten them both killed from a stupid accident. Dana desperately tried to get her arms and legs moving again. She doubted she had enough time to swim to the surface and escape on her own, but she had to try.
man, this chick is judge-y even when she's about to become fish food.
fortunately, She wasn't about to go down without a fight. (and all the 14-year-old boys giggle)
but then - what does she see???
What looked like a puffer fish was being buffeted around in the water by the swarm of piranha. Except puffer fish didn't normally grow to several feet in size, even when fully puffed. The one in the tank now looked around six feet long, not including the spines poking out around it's bloated shape.
yeah, i see that misplaced apostrophe.
i also see this:
The piranha kept striking at the puffed-up fish, pushing it around but unable to tear into the brightly colored ball of spikes. The puffer pushed back, forcing the aggressive piranha away by its shear size and sharp spines.
oh no!! you've been shorn!
but no time for grammar - there's not a moment to lose!! dana has used the puffer fish's diversion to escape from the pool, then watched as the mysterious giant fish also leapt out and now it is time to quickly take action!
The primary aquarium had a unique blend of chemicals meant to alter the strain of piranha. These chemicals were dangerous to humans. The protective diving suits were meant to keep divers dry from the chemical bath. There was also a decontamination pool that all researchers were required to soak in after entering the primary pool, in case one of the protective suits were breached.
okay, so i guess they were not genetically altered, but altered by immersion into chemicals. my bad. because genetic manipulation would be farfetched, but a giant pool full of dangerous chemicals filled with equally dangerous fish is more sensible, from a "safety first" perspective.
so dana shoves the puffer fish into the decontamination pool before jumping in herself.
but how did the puffer fish get into the piranha pool in the first place, you wonder?? no you don't. you totally know that the fish is actually the hottie paul, and that he is a shapeshifting werepuffer. duh.
and dana watches his transform back into paul while they decontaminate together.
there is banter:
"You're Paul, right?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so."
"I've seen you around, you work in the Puffer Fish Division, right?" she asked tentatively.
"Yes I am. I'm guessing you work for the Stating the Completely Obvious Division?"
hardly a meet cute. but dana recovers gamely
Hi, I'm Dana. I've never seen anything like you. Plus I was almost just devoured by a school of piranha. So please excuse me if I'm not exactly at the top of my game here." She glared at him. "What are you anyways? Some kind of werepuffer?"
"We both work in a top secret research facility, funded by the military, working with incredibly dangerous experiments, and your first thought is I'm some sort of puffer-shifter?" Paul's frown softened as he grew more thoughtful. "I guess I am, though."
although lose a point for just now realizing that paul is nude.
"Why are you naked?" she demanded.
paul keeps up his his sulky-teen demeanor
"In case you don't remember, I just quadrupled in size and grew spikes out of my flesh. That has a tendency to destroy one's clothing."
for the record, this is inaccurate. if he had started out as a puffer fish, then - yes - he would have quadrupled in size. but she said he was a six-foot puffer fish, so unless he is - say - fetus-sized, he did not quadruple in size. he just became a very big puffer fish that then shrank down to smaller size so she could get him into the pool and then i guess grew again to paul-size. it's all very confusing, this science here. but the fact remains that unless - again - he is teeny tiny - his clothing should not have been affected by his six-foot puffer size, although i will concede that the spikes were probably a factor in shredding his clothing.
at any rate, he is naked, and that is all that matters.
and dana is still in her wet, nearly transparent white bra and panties.
and things are about to get all sorts of contaminated in this decontamination pool.
but first, more talking. it is worth noting that we are currently on page 8 of a 15-page bit of monsterporn and no one has had anything remotely porny happen to them. this is practically a cozy monsterotica!
so dana is all embarrassed because she isn't even wearing her good underwear, so she lashes out with the scolding and the accusations about what he is even doing in the piranha facility so late at night, and since she noticed that while he was warding off the piranhas with his spikes and all, he grabbed the shiny object she had spotted all those pages ago with his fish-mouth, she tries to grill him. not like a fish, but like a lawyer.
although - yum, right?
but if paul knows one thing, it's how to distract a marine biologist
"Never mind that, hey you are kind of hot for a scientist, you know that?" He smiled innocently at her.
she is not having none of that. yet.
but since they are stuck in this pool until the magical chemicals do their work, he tries again
"Ten minutes? Maybe we could find some other way to pass the time without the interrogation?" he suggested. "Hey, remember that time a few minutes ago when I saved your life?"
I wouldn't have fallen in if you hadn't startled me barging into a secure area in the first place!"
there is more flirtatious bickering, as paul tried to break into his second secure area of the evening, (view spoiler)[by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! (hide spoiler)] boasting, "...part of me can be puffed for her pleasure.
and then - finally - on page 9, we have our first contact as paul surprises her with a kiss.
and she likes it, even though he's not altogether human.
scientists can't be choosy.
and smooching leads to bodies pressed together leads to dana reaching down, curious about what kind of junk a fish-man has
He certainly felt normal enough, although he did seem to be a bit larger than the average guy.
the expression "hung like a fish" didn't come from nowhere, after all!
and then without further foreplay ( i guess her earlier statement
She wasn't about to go down without a fight. was true after all) he's all up in her business. (view spoiler)[by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! AGAIN!!!! (hide spoiler)] but dana is never one to let a romantic moment go by without a lecture.
"I don't think this is going to work, Paul. There's too much water. Sex in water like this doesn't really work. The thrusting is going to get painful. I mean, it sounds good in movies or whatever, but..."
she killed the mood with science
i guess she is a scientist after all! and let's not quibble about the fact that they are not doing it in water, but in a chemical bath, and let's ignore the possibly horrifying consequences of chemicals going up in her vagina. (view spoiler)[by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! (hide spoiler)]
but paul isn't going to let her be a wet blanket.
"You forget who you are having sex with. I'm the Pufferman"
because he wasn't joking before, when he was talking about puffing for her pleasure.
Dana gasped as the fullness in her pussy increased. The cock lodged deep in her pussy puffed again, stretching her walls tightly. His cock deflated slightly as Dana fought to catch her breath. His cock puffed a third time inside of her, stretching her even more. Pleasure coursed through her body from the extreme fullness of his unnaturally expanding cock.
Her knuckles went white against his back as Paul continued a rhythm of inflating his cock deep inside of Dana. Her nerve endings flooded with pleasure with each puffing of his cock. Instead of thrusting into her, his cock was filling her and moving inside of her in ways she'd never experience before.
BUT WAIT - you say. surely there is another physical characteristic to the pufferfish that is not being addressed in this decontamination pool seduction we are witnessing!! and dana realizes it now, too:
"Wait, aren't there spikey bits?" she immediately feared being torn up on the inside.
but never fear!
"Relax, I can control the transformation. No spikes like this. But I can do knobs," he replied.
dana has some experience doing knobs, too.
Dana's eyes grew wide as she could feel slight studded knobs form on the length of his inflated cock.
"Ribbed and puffed for her pleasure," he said with a grin.
and then paul also remembers something: girls have boobs. so finally, after all this "straight to the gates" action, he backtracks to second base.
sex continues with his unnatural member.
does she allow him to finish inside of her, this stranger who is part fish?? yes, she does. she is not, it seems, a scientist of common sense.
and now they have some romantic pillow talk about the nature of the facility, the truth about the shiny object paul retrieved from the pool, the probable origin of paul's shapeshifting abilities, and a realization by dana about some of the strange new feelings she has been feeling since working at the facility.
amaaaaazing!! FREE MONSTERPORN!! GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT!!!
also - THIS is a puffer fish i wouldn't kick out of bed for eating crackers:
Mounted by a Monster: Werepuffer is Now in Your NOOK Library!
Notes are private!
Sep 13, 2014
Sep 07, 2014
Jul 18, 2012
Jul 18, 2012
hey, anyone want to know what we are reading for the august book of the month??
is frankenstein porn!! yes, purists, technically it is "frankenstein's hey, anyone want to know what we are reading for the august book of the month??
is frankenstein porn!! yes, purists, technically it is "frankenstein's monster" porn. and super-technically there is no actual proof that the monster in here is the same monster from mary shelley's frankenstein, so maybe it's just "reanimated corpse" porn, but Reanimated Corpse's Bitch does not have the same ring to it, so let's just sacrifice accuracy and call it frankenstein porn, for clarity's sake.
sheesh, tough crowd in my head…
so, in this book, we find our heroine emily post-divorce from her philandering husband adam, headed out for a european vacation with her friends jim and sally. because what is more fun than a couple's retreat with a sad and newly-single third wheel? not much!
so, they make it to germany, and they go to their separate-but-adjoining rooms to "freshen up," which to jim and sally means "bone." and listening to their mutual pleasure makes emily all horny so she masturbates in the shower. no, actually, let me be more specific. she LAYS DOWN in the HOTEL SHOWER and allows the water to do most of the work, as it cascaded down into her like a fire hose, forcing her lips apart and filling her womb with warm water. and - yay - she has her very first orgasm since the divorce. on a shower floor in a foreign country that she did not luminol the shit out of first.
gross. so, jim hears rumors that there is a castle nearby - the castle where the Dr. Frankenstein of legend had created his monster. because mary shelley was a journalist. to be fair, they do go back and forth on this, and eventually they concede that maybe it was just some doctor performing weird experiments and not necessarily the one from the novel. but no matter.
emily gets weary and tells her friends she is going back to the hotel, but on her way she finds a hidden enclosure on the grounds, with a small handle buried partially in the ground. tugging on the handle (heh - foreshadowing) causes the ground beneath her feet to collapse and then OH NO!! she has fallen into a secret chamber fifteen feet beneath the ground.
no one can hear her, her cell does not have a signal so far below ground, and she cannot climb out to safety. how do we know this?? because she tells us. a lot.
Struggling to her knees, she called up for help, hoping someone would hear her, but didn't get any reply… She quickly took out her cell phone and called Sally. Nothing, she could not get a signal this far underground.
fine. established. but then in the paragraph that follows:
Her phone didn't work, and no one above seemed able to hear her pleas for help.
okay, got it. but then in the NEXT paragraph:
She tried her phone again, still no signal. Calling out for help several more times didn't seem to work either and after ten minutes, with her voice hoarse, she gave up.
finally. jesus, i don't know if i could take four paragraphs in a row saying the same damn thing.
oh, but spoke too soon, because in the next paragraph:
Emily waited for a few more minutes and stood up and called out again for anyone. The small gap of light that trickled down seemed deserted and far away. No one would ever hear her way down here.
i know, right??? it's like you figured that out three paragraphs ago, sheesh.
Emily sat in silence in the hole for hours.
and finally, after HOURS, she realizes that the hole is bigger than she thought it was. (twss) and she finally starts exploring instead of wasting time with the cell phone/calling out for help bidness.
oh my goodness, a tunnel?? maybe i should explore it to try and find another way out instead of just sitting in this tiny hole in the ground that has clearly been undisturbed for hundreds of years. and after she goes 100 feet or so (seriously - so much time wasted on your cell phone) down an underground, stone lined passageway, she finds a door (pretty sure that "underground" is understood by this point)
she finds herself in an old lab… littered with scientific equipment.
The scientific equipment arrayed around the room was staggering. The effort needed to obtain and run this stuff must have been immense.
was the scientific equipment drunk?? was it wounded?? what's with the staggering?
she lights bunches of candles and sits down at a table. Bored, she pulled one of the books toward her and opened the cover. It was all hand written, and looked like notes, but she couldn't make any of it out. It was all in German.
being trapped sure is boring!
she takes this time to examine her clothing and noticed
She had a tear in her blouse at the shoulder, it wasn't a bad tear, but it definitely gave anyone around to notice a good view of the top of her breasts.
first of all, who under the age of 100 says "blouse"?
and why are her breasts on her shoulder?? emily!!!!!
and ugh - when will this girl learn that when you think you're trapped, you gotta keep exploring? because she finally stops sighing and plucking at her shoulder-breasts and eventually has more of a wander, when all of a sudden - she was startled by something odd she hadn't noticed before on a table in a far corner.
something pretty difficult to miss like a table with a gigantic nude male corpse under a sheet. a gigantic nude male corpse with stitches all over it. a gigantic nude male corpse with a gigantic penis. a gigantic nude male corpse with a gigantic, gigantic penis and no pubic hair. did i mention that its penis was gigantic?? because she does. she notices it a lot. in the same kind of thrice-in-three-paragraphs way she noticed that her cell phone didn't work.
Her eyes were glued to that impressive display of manhood, and her fingers twitched to touch it. She didn't even realize that her hand was moving toward the penis until it passed in front of her eyes.
says the girl who was lolling nude and splayed on the floor of a hotel shower.
but she can't help but be drawn to this massive penis and suddenly she finds herself poking the corpse's leg with her finger, and finding the body warm, even though it is not breathing and has no pulse. WEIRD, RIGHT!!!! this requires more poking.
Finally, unable to resist her curiosity any longer, she reached her hand out and touched its penis. It was soft and warm as well.
and then it's go time. she's all grasping it and hefting it and bending over and frowning with all sorts of scrutiny to examine the scrotum, as one does when one comes across a corpse in an underground dungeon, and then suddenly she "inadvertently" brushed the cockhead against her chin. OH MY HOW EMBARRASSING! but she doesn't even pause before she is rubbing it all over and then OH NO YOU DIDN'T
…without thinking she stuck out her tongue a little bit and licked the head. It tasted a bit salty, but not unlike a regular penis. She licked again, and then again. Before she realized what she was doing, the head of the dick was in her mouth and she was sucking on it without regard to her present situation.
WITHOUT REGARD TO HER PRESENT SITUATION??? what about without regard to the fact that this is the dead body of a stranger and you are putting the place where it used to PEE in your MOUTH???
and then of course her mouth has wonderful restorative powers and This creature, which had lain dormant for untold years, had somehow been reanimated by her sexual ministrations.
kids - do NOT try this at home.
It was horrid to look at, a jumbled mess of stitched together body parts.
really?? because that's not what you were thinking a minute ago when you started putting this corpse's penis in your mouth.
and then it just gets weird.
she gets all swoony and starts reading into this dead body's facial expressions and assigning all kinds of sweet and helpless human emotions to it like sorrow and dejection and confusion and fear and she starts getting all melty-heart fixer-upper over it.
She gasped against the muscular chest as the creature stroked her hair with curled fingers while its enormous tool banged against her thighs. It was clumsy and didn't know its own strength, but she felt sorry for the monster, it really seemed lonely.
which she thinks riiiight before he shoves her onto the table, tears her blouse in half and throws it on the floor, before he rips off her shorts into little pieces. you know, because he never had a mommy or something.
Emily knew what this monster wanted from her, and there was nothing she could do about it. In a way, she almost welcomed this sad creature's advances. It looked so dejected and alone, longing for companionship and love that her heart began to race.
this is the kind of "awww, he looks like he wants a hug" misinterpretation
that leads to this:
here is another instance in which emily shows she is fucking delusional:
…she couldn't help but think that the monster did not realize what its cock was for and she would have the pleasure of showing it just what that wonderful limb could do.
riiiight before he holds her down on the table and shoves his way inside of her
Perhaps this monster did know what to do after all. hmmm, and maybe you're also wrong about this whole wounded monster business?
maybe you have been watching too many shows in which dead bodies have dark sorrowful feelings?
then there's like 9 pages of sex which ends in more delusions, Emily instinctively knew the creature regretted taking her body the way that it did, and she moved quickly to reassure it.
maybe the lady who didn't know her husband was cheating on her for a year is not the most astute judge of character.
but, who knows - maybe it will all work out, and the wistful dream she had at the beginning of this story:
all she ever wanted in life was to settle down with a man she loved, and who loved her as well. To be together forever, to always have someone to care for, and who would also care for her.
will come true!!
or maybe she will starve to death in a hole in the ground while a horny corpse humps her dead body. ...more
Notes are private!
Aug 18, 2014
Aug 19, 2014
Apr 12, 2014
Jun 29, 2014
okay, so here i am with another book-of-the-month read for my monsterotica reading group.
but this one was kind of dull, honestly, and i'm not sure th okay, so here i am with another book-of-the-month read for my monsterotica reading group.
but this one was kind of dull, honestly, and i'm not sure this review will be much fun, so i apologize in advance.
it starts with a 21-year-old struggling actress living in the shitty part of hollywood, who receives an invitation in the mail which is presumably for her, but instead of her last name listed as "carter," it is addressed to "mary elizabeth wilmont," and comes to her from the estate of sir charles graves wilmont, recently deceased real estate tycoon and apparently, her great-grandfather. it requests her appearance at the reading of his will, confiding that she is in the running for some serious ca$h money.
mary e had always known she was adopted, but never knew her true parentage. she managed to grow up unattractively confident, although not unattractive:
You could always tell that I was adopted, however, which made things difficult sometimes. My parents are, to put it kindly, very homely people; short, round and a little strange on the eyes. I, on the other hand, was a knockout. Long legs and a curvy set of hips that move in just the right way when I walk, capable of turning heads from across the street. I was blessed with beautiful brown hair and a pleasantly symmetrical face that frequently broke the hearts of young men as I grew into adulthood.
so she calls up her old homely "dad," to get to the bottom of it. he confesses that, yes, she came from the wilmont line, but she's not interested in a conversation, and after that exposition-dump, homely dad never reappears to the narrative, which is probably for the best.
so, she gets in the limo sent for her the following evening, and heads off to the grand wilmont mansion, where she meets miss black, who will be running the proceedings. miss black, incidentally, looks like a "naughty teacher," and walks with a swagger that cannot be faked. whatever that means.
she is led through the mansion, filled with paintings of snarling beasts and a giant stuffed bear and other safari-souvenirs, until they reach a room in which two other lovely young women are waiting. they are introduced to her as her second cousins, sara and bella.
somehow, these three women are all that remain of the wilmont bloodline, and are in the running to inherit his entire fortune. and - no - it cannot be divided evenly, mary e - the will clearly states that only one person will inherit it, and there are pretty specific guidelines, so sit down and watch this slideshow.
"…handling the estate is more than just dealing with the money, your great grandfather had some very specific interests that you will now be in charge of. If you cannot handle your duty, then you will lose everything."
nondisclosure agreements are signed, and
Miss Black clicks to the next slide, which shows a photograph of a large, hairy monster chained to a wall. It has a large, ape-like head but its mouth is lined with rows of terrifyingly long teeth, all sharpened to fine points at the end. It has a short, stubby tail hanging between its legs; alongside one of the most enormous cocks I have ever seen in my life.
"Is that thing real?" I ask.
Miss Black nods, "Yes, I can assure you the creatures are very real."
"No, I mean that dick." I explain. "It's fucking massive."
Miss Black does not look amused at all.
come on, mary - this is serious business, sheesh.
and now on to these duties that need handling.
the astute and experienced monsterporn readers in the class will see what's coming. charles had discovered and captured a species of animal previously unknown to science. He called them, simply, 'the creatures.'" there are ten of them and they need to be fucked once a month, apparently by one of his descendants, although why this is the case is never explained, since they have until now been perfectly handled by "sexual assistants." but whatever - it's kind of a shitty thing to do to someone, but so is trapping wild creatures in some glassed-in pen in your mansion and not letting "science" know about them. way to be a dick, charles.
there is some confused resistance.
"If you don't think it's worth two hundred million dollars to fuck a few monsters, then I don't know what to tell you."
but bella doesn't. and she's out.
and then there were two.
miss black of the unfakeable swagger continues
And they must be completely satisfied or they will become very aggressive. One of our previous assistants learned that the hard way. It's nothing too difficult though, they love rough sex, blowbangs," she begins to list. "Double penetration."
aaaaand that's sara out.
but mary elizabeth has no qualms about fucking some monsters and apparently no curiosity about learning anything about her biological family, as she just lets those girls leave without so much as an exchange of numbers.
and it's off to the monsterpen! clothes are removed, doors are locked in place behind her, and introductions are sought.
"Hello!" I call out. "Any creatures around? I'm here to fuck you."
she starts to see them moving through the shadows, and they are much bigger than they appeared in the slideshow.
Instinctively, I start to back away as a deep sense of dread begins to blossom within me. This entire thing is starting to feel like a terrible idea.
well, yeah. i mean you answered a cryptic invitation to a huge and creepy manor, told no one where you were headed, and made a promise to a complete stranger to have sex with ten monsters. that's reasonably low on the good-idea spectrum.
she gets snatched up by a beast, tossed onto a fallen log and now it's ON!
as always, i must point out how uncomfortable it would be to be plowed mercilessly lying supine on bark. and then flipped over onto the tummy and plowed mercilessly on bark.
but she's cool with it. as they always are.
The sensation of being taken from both ends is incredible, a filthy triangulation of flesh that I had never even experienced with human beings, let alone giant terrifying beasts.
and beast after beast approaches her and has its way with her and there's all sorts of beast-fluid squirting everywhere and there's some lovely pillow talk
"Oh fuck, what the fuck?" I yell, my eyes rolling back into my head. "What the fuck is this?"
ultimately, she gets off pretty easy (no pun intended) as she is eventually surrounded by the monsters who still "hadn't finished" and they take care of their own needs onto her while she lies there smiling and laughing and caressing her toned abs and enormous tits.
look who just inherited two hundred million dollars!
so, a success all around, although now presumably she has to call her homely parents and tell them about her day. and i guess the polite thing to do would be to ask them to move in with her?? but maybe first get some curtains for the glassed-in pen, 'cuz no one needs to see their child - adopted or otherwise - hooking up with ten monsters every month. or more frequently, as in the last "gotcha!" line of the book, after mary has showered and been handed the keys to the house, she is already on her way back in for more.
not the best monster tale i have read, but for those of you who are reading these books for the reasons nature intended, there are quite a lot of pages focusing on the sexual congress. if you're into that sort of thing. ...more
Notes are private!
Jul 29, 2014
Jul 29, 2014
Mar 14, 2014
Jun 28, 2014
now, i don't know if this picture is meant to be a before or after shot:
and far be it from me to stereotype based on appearances, but my gaydar is AT now, i don't know if this picture is meant to be a before or after shot:
and far be it from me to stereotype based on appearances, but my gaydar is AT LEAST 80% accurate and judging by the cover, i don't think the yetis were necessarily the cause of this young shirtless bescarfed man being "made" gay. i think there were probably some urges floating around in this fella long before the yetis came. (and, oh, how they came!)
and while we are on the subject of the cover, i gotta say, this dude is a poor man's jordan gavaris:
oh wait, we need a scarf:
wouldn't want to catch a cold now!
so, we have a man named tom - a scientist! who goes to the chilly himalayan mountains to study science things.
after listening to the other scientists talk about the recent sightings of yetis in the vicinity and the speculation, based on dubious evidence IMHO, that they are likely gay, tom is left alone in the station while the other scientists go and do science things. and tom is super horny.
so he pleasures himself thinking about boobies, but it's just not enough, so he goes to the door and opens it, nude, to see what happens.
because he has had a realization.
four yetis respond to his call. and it turns out, they are totally gay. or at least willing to have sex with tom. i'm not sure if it's necessarily gay once it crosses species. but i'm no scientist.
at first, tom is a little scared, but if he knows one thing, it's that
and you cannot hide from yetis. so after some initial first-time confusion w/r/t how this is going to work, logistically:
he figures out how to accommodate this multiple-yeti-partner thing
and he makes a request of the yetis
and they do.
tom gets very distracted by all the wonderful yeti-loving
and at the end of the day they've all learned a little bit about the fun that bodies can have together, even if they are different species with the same kind of sex organ.
(but the "of your thumbs" part of that line got cut in this story)
and this is just speculation, but i think there could be a sequel in which he enlists others into his yeti-orgy:
i may have taken liberties with the plot for the sake of my love of felix in this review, but the basic story of "previously straight scientist makes love to multiple male yetis in the himalayas" is pretty much all you need to know to determine if you would enjoy this book. ...more
Notes are private!
Dec 06, 2014
Jul 15, 2014
Aug 30, 2013
Nov 17, 2013
there is no such thing as "good" monsterporn or "bad" monsterporn. just like there is no such thing as a "good" rainbow or a "bad" rainbow. the existe there is no such thing as "good" monsterporn or "bad" monsterporn. just like there is no such thing as a "good" rainbow or a "bad" rainbow. the existence of monsterporn is something to celebrate because it's a little slice of unexpected joy that exists simply to bring a smile to the face.
however, there is poorly-written monsterporn.
this is one of them.
here is the first paragraph. simple, declarative sentences that sound as though they were written by a robot. (and not a sexxy robot, either.)
Jenny had never been in love and little did she know that soon she would become extremely infatuated with her soul mate. She enjoyed her night out at a party where she met an attractive man named Matt. He mentioned that he was a scientist, trying to impress her. His hair was dark and clean cut. He wore slacks, a button up shirt, and tie. She enjoyed the compliments he provided throughout the evening. He had been known around town to be a sweet talker. Jenny had long blonde hair and wore a skimpy bikini that accentuated her boobs and ass. She was voluptuous in all the right places. They flirted with each other and built up sexual tension throughout the night. She giggled as they left the party early to go to his place for a drink.
the compliments he provided?? this is as bloodless and unerotic as a jane austen novel.
and only in monsterporn will you find a woman wearing a bikini on her night out to a party.
and only in monsterporn will you find a man with muscular stomach muscles.
okay - jumping ahead past where jenny and matt have sex and warm cum saturated her pallet (because she's a warehouse??), to where matt gets called in to the lab to help out with a project, where despite his muscular stomach muscles, he is NOT a scientist, but an "intern," and a doofy one at that.
Lately he had been helping out with a laser blaster experiment. His job was mainly to set things up so they could blast them. They let him shoot the blaster once and it was a highlight of the job for him.
i don't think this author knows what science is for.
this is a strange laboratory. there seem to be no proper scientists here. i mean, there is margaret, who is the scientist in charge of all the projects at the lab, which seems suspect, but maybe it's a small lab. but she's never referred to as "dr.", instead we get: The scientist Margaret was holding a clipboard.
and these are the kinds of experiments this lab performs:
Meanwhile at the lab, a naked young woman subject was being prepared for a sexual experiment. She had no idea that they would be testing the erogenous zones of her body and monitoring her mind. They were also monitoring something she was unaware of behind the wall.
"sexual" experiments. whose subjects just blithely strip down naked with "no idea" what is actually being measured or tested. are there no waivers???
so, in this instance, the sexual experiment involves a monster, who once again is described in the most basic sentences without context or even description, really.
Behind the door was a tentacle monster being held in captivity for experiments due to its attraction to sexual energy.
however, we do learn that the tentacles are covered in suckers, and also a gelatinous slime like liquid that smelled like vanilla extract
which will have to do, in terms of details.
so - skimming, skimming - matt accidentally lets the tentacle monster escape, there is a scuffle, a single tentacle is axed off of the creature and escapes into the night. exeunt, pursued by scientists.
the scientist margaret coaches her fellow scientists outside that The tentacles are attracted to sexual vibrations, so while you are searching for the tentacle, I would suggest you fondle your genitals to give yourself the advantage.
however, she cautions them that if the tentacle does become attracted to them, it will lock itself into one of their sexual orifices. see, i hear that, and the last thing i am going to do is go diddling myself out on the streets. let someone else capture the creature. also - how do her fellow scientists not know that the creature is drawn to sexual vibrations? are there no morning meetings?? does no one know what they are doing in this lab??? shame on you, science!
matt is left to his own devices in the lab, and he gets bored. so his mind goes to jenny, his three-hour sexual acquaintance, who doesn't seem to mind that she was just straight-up dismissed from his apartment while he drove away to the lab, and when he texts her "Hey, babe, bring me something, I'm hungry," she texts him a photo of her vagina. She just happened to be in the area, so she agreed to stop by.
and is she still wearing only her tiny bikini?? you bet your sweet tentacle she is!
they pick up where they left off, rubbing and feeling on each other and she licked her lips and her mouth was slippery due to the excess of lip gloss she put on earlier. what is with these sentences???
and so of course their sexual vibrations bring tentacles from all corners of the lab, and one finds jenny and she utters the title of this book. and then more and more and more and more tentacles join the party, using matt and jenny both as sexual slankets. but it's okay - everyone's having a good time. a boringly described good time:
They couldn't help themselves due to the pleasure unlike anything they had ever felt. It was like a thousand orgasms at once. They gave into absolute pleasure. They cried out each time they had the feeling, because it was so overwhelming they could not contain themselves.
and then… other things happen, clearing the path for a sequel. many many sequels.
i mean, this is free monsterporn, so come and get it, but it is empirically weak.
because, science. ...more
Notes are private!
Jul 11, 2014
Jul 12, 2014
Nov 22, 2013
Nov 22, 2013
is it unreasonable to get really angry at an 11-page book? if it's this book, i don't think so. it is unreasonable to hold monsterporn up to the same is it unreasonable to get really angry at an 11-page book? if it's this book, i don't think so. it is unreasonable to hold monsterporn up to the same standards of writing as a more traditional story?? probably. but today i am going to, because i found this particular monsterporn completely maddening.
so - plot. samantha has a problem. she has been unable to achieve orgasm with her husband pete for several months. ("husband" according to the synopsis in gr - he is never specifically designated as her husband in the story) so, she decides to go to the gynecologist to see if there is a physical reason for her situation. good - a smart decision.
but first, before her appointment, she has sex with pete. lack of sexual explosions hasn't slowed her down at all; she still gets aroused and her body is responsive to attention, and she's well into it, she just isn't able to get that
she likes it rough, and pete is very accommodating to her needs, but she is still not satisfied with his hair pulling, expensive underpants-ripping, whipping, and "forceful movements." she needs something more "animalistic." it is implied that she can still achieve orgasm when she treats herself, so it's unclear why she thinks this is a medical problem, but whatever - off to the groinecologist! he turns out to be a werewolf! they have sex!
we will continue to pick our way through the plot while i rattle off this list of complaints, but that's all you need to know for now.
moving around (in time) is not sexy
despite being such a short piece (i.e. - easy to edit), the tense changes frequently between past to present. and i know most people aren't reading for plot here, but it's really distracting. is this something that happened in the past, now recollected in tranquility, or is this happening right now? because it matters. some situations in life, we don't realize how bad they are until we have some distance, some perspective. i look back on some of my relationships,and i'm like, "huh. not my shiniest moment." so i need to know how much to hate this samantha chick. if she's all in the moment, i might be able to forgive her for her terrible decisions, but if this is a tender memory for her, then she deserves all of my lip-curled disdain.
here's some free advice, should you be considering becoming a gynecologist
1) never use the word "pussy" during an exam.
2) your deep piercing blue eyes should never "light up" when "drinking in" a patient's appearance.
3) never put your hand on a patient's knee and squeeze it before the exam. or after.
4) do not call her "abnormally moist."
5) do not fuck your patient without a condom.
6) do not fuck your patient.
7) if you can help it, do not be a werewolf.
fun with spatial cognition
this is a speculum:
now, because i do not think goodreads would appreciate me posting a picture of the speculum in use, for those of you without vaginas i will explain that this device is inserted into a woman's vagina, then that little duck bill part opens up, expanding and propping open the baby-chute so the gynecologist (werewolf or otherwise) can see what's going on with all the internal lady-bits. got it? okay, so let's be clear - there is no way that a woman can have intercourse while it is in place. it's just not an option. perhaps a toddler would be able to maneuver its toddler-sized weewee in there, but a) that is disgusting and b) like all erotica, this guy is soooooo big and sooooo hard and yet somehow manages to jam inside of her through the speculum hole, not at all concerned about all the sticky-outy bits that are probably jamming into his testicles, and of course she loves all that rough metal pushing violently against her insides while he has at her.
and then he starts turning into a werewolf and ties her down on the table and his clothes rip off and she starts screaming and no one comes to her rescue and all of this makes sense. which brings us to
taking liberties with hundreds of years of cryptozoological tradition
i know that SOME werewolf mythologies insist that a lycanthropes can change form regardless of what the moon happens to be doing at the time, but i am a narrow-minded monster-purist. i don't want all the shades of werewolf lore from a cross-cultural perspective. i want my werewolves to be cut-and-dried hollywood style werewolves - moon, silver bullet, howling. i don't want them changing into wolf form in the middle of the day, and i certainly don't want them to be so career-oriented. how does a werewolf even get through med school?? all those late-night study sessions, all that hair getting into open wounds…
which brings us to
hygiene - it always comes back to hygiene for me
hygiene and specificity. please be specific when you write. when you say something like He forces himself inside of me with all of his might, please give us a clue that in this case "me" refers to your backdoor. because it's kind of a shock in the next sentence when he is suddenly withdrawing himself from her asshole and this - (spoiler-tagged for being so disgusting): (view spoiler)[he held my mouth wide open with his fingers and dipped his shit covered cock deep into my mouth (hide spoiler)] is fucking revolting. and then, of course - right back into the vag without even a thoughtful wipedown. a gynecologist should know better.
afterwards, she thanks him. (view spoiler)[AFTER HE RAPES HER AND SHOVES (or "shoved," depending on which tense we are using at the moment) HIS EXCREMENT-CRUSTED SCHLONG DOWN HER THROAT REPEATEDLY AND THEN JAMS IT IN HER WOO. SHE THANKS HIM. (hide spoiler)]
even more horrifying, and yes - i am about to give away the ending to this 11-page piece of monsterporn - deal with it, this is the last paragraph:
I know that what I have done has wronged Pete, but somehow I find myself justifying my actions. I came to the doctor to fix what I had assumed was a problem with me. But now I think otherwise. Although I love Pete, I realize now that it is his fault that I am not able to orgasm. I need a real man, or perhaps more than that. I need the doctor again. I drop my panties on the floor of the room, leaving my scent behind and walk out the door.
so, despite pete's patience and support of her during her sexual difficulties, for all of his warm and confident smiles and his easing of her nervousness and his giving her the bit of rough she craves and trying to keep things spicy so she can get her o back, she's just gonna ditch an established relationship to what - hook up with a creepy werewolf rapist who made her eat her own poo?? this is an improvement?? all for an orgasm that you can give to yourself, samantha?? lunacy. but some girls do want to land a doctor.
-going to the gyno with lash marks all over your ass, even if they are indeed fading to a dull red is totally classy. so is masturbating in the car on the way over.
-what the fuck are "elastic pants?"
-I have always had a fantasy to be raped, but I never expected to actually enjoy it. so she doesn't even enjoy it in her own fantasies?? that makes me sad.
-juices are spraying from her insides after this session. which might actually be something to bring to a gynecologist. a real gynecologist.
-"TAUT"!!!! THE WORD IS "TAUT"!!! take note, almost every single monsterporn author ever.
-samantha gets all snotty with the "overweight" and "unattractive" nurse because she says "You're just a tiny thing! You probably eat like a bird," and samantha interprets this as an attack or a judgment, when clearly it is just being said so that we the reader know how cute and tiny and perfect samantha is, like a sweet little hairless nymphet. so it's great that she's dumb AND shallow AND bitchy to other women. this is why no one comes to your rescue when you scream at the gynecologist is all i'm saying.
-Pete and I had just moved to a new town. New friends, new jobs, new identities, and, unfortunately, new problems.
wait, new identities???? what's that all about???
despite having one of the best titles ever, i did not care for this particular monsterporn, although i have no regrets about reading it. sometimes it is a release to get out all that rage over something completely inconsequential. and now i have to call my doctor to make sure she is not going to turn into a werewolf during my exam.["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]> ...more
Notes are private!
Jun 06, 2014
Jun 07, 2014
Apr 01, 2014
Apr 01, 2014
NOW WITH NEW, SOBERER PICTURES!
okay, here's the thing. i MIGHT be a little kertrunken right now, so i don't know what's going to happen NOW WITH NEW, SOBERER PICTURES!
okay, here's the thing. i MIGHT be a little kertrunken right now, so i don't know what's going to happen as far as this review goes.
this is a DBR, with drunken illustrations, which is appropriate, since i was more or less exhausted/distracted the whole time i was reading this book, and writing anything intelligent would just be a sham. it is unfortunate, since mykle hansen deserves better, but BEA hit me harder than i thought it would, and this book was the innocent victim of my exhaustion, and i probably didn't do it any favors reading it in fits and starts as i did.
but i drawed some drunken pictures for now, and i will probably make this review better when i get more energy and less liquor.
this is how sleepy i was last week, when i should have been devoting all my energy to reading this book
and here are pictures that touch on some of the key elements of this book:
a besotted typewriter:
space captain pounder mcquim:
and zombie toe-sucking
if that's not enough to get you to read this, i don't know what's wrong with you, but i will try to entice you further when sober.
wow, i suck.
okay, so i have decided that drawing-reviews are FUN, so i am going to add more of them to this review whenever i feel like it, because there are plenty of scenes in this book just begging for illustrations. and they pretty much speak for themselves. so:
Notes are private!
May 28, 2014
Jun 09, 2014
May 28, 2014
Apr 13, 2014
Apr 13, 2014
this is the book of the month for my wonderful monsterotica reading group, and bonus upon bonus, it is a five-book bundle. a five-book bundle that is this is the book of the month for my wonderful monsterotica reading group, and bonus upon bonus, it is a five-book bundle. a five-book bundle that is 37 pages long. that shit is concise.
let's examine every story individually, yeah? and, as always, all comments are sic. and sometimes just sick.
In Her Closet
this story is about a real estate agent named claire with a bit of an unprofessional streak - she likes to have sexual intercourse in the houses she is showing. not with the people to whom she is showing the house - that would be bribery. and also gross. no, she likes to go back after-hours, hide in one of the rooms, and have her partner find and ravish her. totally normal.
this particular house is a little bit unusual. the seller is a woman who recently inherited the family home from her parents. Jennifer hadn't lived in the house for years, but her parents had kept the room just like she left it as a teenage girl.
okay, let's pause for just one second. a recently inherited house means a recent death or deaths. a still-furnished inherited home means a reeeaallllyy recent death or deaths. and our claire is going to fuck some dude in this house with absolutely no qualms, no worries about being disrespectful?? okay, just checking.
right, so this particular house is a little bit unusual. jennifer is insisting that there is a monster in the closet of her girlhood room, and she's got some rules:
"I don't want to sell the house to a family, if it's possible. The monster used to spank me when I was bad, and no other child really needs to go through that."
claire is all "yeah yeah whatever get out so i can bone." and she returns to the house at night, and prepares for her booty call. but oh no - he cancels.
and then this happens:
There was no longer any point in risking getting caught. Claire admitted defeat and walked back over to the closet. She opened the door and someone handed her the dress. Still consumed with thoughts of punishing Brad, she didn't quite register it as someone handed her the heels, too. She paused for a moment peering into the closet when a dark, hairy hand reached out and grabbed her wrist.
The dress and shoes fell from her hands as Claire was pulled into the inky darkness of the closet. She heard the door thump closed behind her. She opened her mouth and sucked in air, prepared to scream loud enough to alert the neighbors, every dog in the neighborhood, and the police from three precincts away. A strong hand covered her mouth before she could let loose.
Unable to scream, Claire decided to bite down instead. Hard.
"Ow!" came a voice from the dark.
so, yes - i know you were told there was a monster in the closet, but you did leave the back door unlocked earlier so you wouldn't have to use your traceable realtor's punch code, and monsters don't usually have humanoid shapes and speak so crossly, do they?
You are a real piece of work, aren't you lady," came the voice from the darkness behind Claire. "First you intrude into a home that isn't yours, then you curse, and now you are a biter too. What do you have to say for yourself?"
to me, that sounds more like you have a sexual predator in the closet.
especially when he gets a little infantilizing on her:
"Look, lady, you've been very bad. You're going to have to be punished.," he said. The voice brooked no argument. "Your parents probably told you I wasn't real, right? Bad news for you."
so he recognizes her as a "lady," but still manages to throw in that creepy little "parents" comment, which begs the question - what did this monster in the closet do to the little girls he terrorized for all those years? and has he just been sitting here idle all these years waiting for new prey?? this is disturbing on so many levels. and then
the monster grabbed the rope that was thrown over the closet rod and quickly tied her hands together above her head.
a rope. thrown over the closet rod. again - totally disturbing if little girls are his normal targets.
"You're a wriggly one, aren't you? Much taller than most people I'm supposed to frighten, too. Jennifer was only half your size. And Susie before that was even smaller."
no, no no!!
creepiness escalates into spanking and alarm-bell-comments
"You really did just bring this on yourself."
but claire is a saucy one and she's totally on board by this point.
"You're not really supposed to be liking this," he whispered into her ear. Claire felt the wiry bristles of his beard brush against her face
do closet monsters have beards?
in this case, "here" means "claire's vagina."
and she gets her swerve on after all
Claire groaned audibly out loud.
yes, both audibly and out loud.
the "monster" has an "unnatural girth." but doesn't everyone, in erotica?? i'm still not convinced this isn't just some dude.
The rod pulsed inside of her.
surely not the curtain rod.
so yeah, there is intercourse and after completion, a light goes on in the bedroom! and for some reason, it is jennifer, stopping by the house in which she does not live, and she finds claire naked, still tied up over the (curtain) rod, and covered in various fluids.
Jennifer shook her head. "I told you about the monster in the closet," she said.
best line award:
The monster in the closet was now the monster in her pussy
okay, that one was alarming, yes, but this one breaks new ground in disturbing.
the very first sentence:
Okay, so I admit to planning on shooting my boyfriend with a tranquilizer gun sounds a bit extreme. But there are extenuating circumstances. If he'd ever just admitted to me, straight up, even once, that he was a werewolf, well then I probably wouldn't have to shoot him just to prove my point.
this is the kind of reasoning you hear coming out the mouth of a lunatic in prison. the hole is dug more deeply:
Right now, my job was proving that Marlon was a werewolf. That probably sounds crazy, and he's denied it all along. In fact, his strong denials just created more questions in my mind. He had an answer for all of my questions, they just didn't all ring true. He could've come clean at any time over the last two years. Now I just needed a clean shot.
well, it's true - the more vehemently someone denies being a werewolf, the more likely it is that they are actually a werewolf. that's just common sense. and you can totally trust the perceptions of someone who says things like
It was late in the afternoon and the moon was nearly at its fullest.
ah, the beautiful afternoon moon from all the famous love songs.
so she follows him with her tranquilizer gun, to that place he goes every full moon, and lo! a wolf!
There was no real way to know if this was my Marlon or not. They both shared a similar fluid grace. I didn't know what he was waiting for. Was he giving me a chance to back off my pursuit and pretend this never happened? Was he waiting for me to flee to chase me down and rip me limb from limb? Or was this just a normal wolf and I've made a terrible mistake.
we all make mistakes sometimes
so she carries through with her plan, and shoots this maybe-marlon-wolf. luckily, he was indeed a werewolf. because this is monsterotica, and not a true crime novel. but it easily could have been.
I didn't know how much tranquilizer to use and I hopped I hadn't accidentally killed my boyfriend.
although, she later says pretty decisively The amount of tranquilizer I used should have him out for twenty minutes.
but then Marlon was shaking off the effects of the tranq dart incredibly fast. Probably something to do with a heightened werewolf metabolism system.
and this vascillation between doubt/confidence/doubt is exactly the kind of mental pattern i want to see in someone who is licensed to carry a deadly weapon.
but marlon can't control the beast,and tells her to run RUN!!
as she is running away, this is what is going through her head.
How was this happening? He was still my Marlon. Couldn't he control the beast at all, even with me? I only wanted to find out the truth once and for all because I suspected he was going to propose to me. I wanted to marry this man, but i had to know what kind of man he truly was.
true love conquers all, i guess. true, irrational running-away while making seating charts love.
he catches her. there is intercourse.
"Marlon!" I cried out with each thrust. His cock pounded into me. I kept repeating his name as each thrust pushed his cock deep into my core. On one particular deep thrust I screamed out his name.
but you just said you cried out his name with "each thrust." twice. so what was so notable abut that last "particular deep thrust/scream?" except for its depth. like the depth of these characters.
but there is a happy ending. she finds that she can indeed reach him in his werewolfy lusthaze and the pounding becomes a little less monstrous.
My earlier fear was replaced with a sense of security. As long as Marlon maintained control, he would be my fiercest and strongest ally I could ever hope for. Living with a werewolf was going to be a challenge. I'd never shrunk from challenges. Any future challenges we would face together, and hopefully I wouldn't need a tranquilizer gun to do it.
I decided in that moment, if he did ask, I'd say yes.
challenges, challenges, challenges i like to say the word challenges.
but it is sweet, in its own way, right? despite the veiled threat??
best line award:
I arched my hips up slightly, trying to give him a better angle to ease the fucking he was throwing into my body.
Merman Ride & Slide
this is a book about courtney!
She was back home for spring break from her sophomore year at college and determined to mark a few things off her list of items to do before leaving her small hometown for good… Other items she had planned this summer included learning how to play roller derby, losing her virginity, and getting backstage at a rock concert.
way to bury the lede, courtney! but the getting backstage at the rock concert should help remove that pesky virginity. ooooor you could check off the first item on your list - to get into the super secret party of the local billionaire celebrity with his water park empire and his enigmatic ways.and then maybe you can explain to me why going back to college for your junior year = leaving your hometown for good. because you say it twice, with no explanation. where are you going? why aren't you coming back?
but back to this party. courtney's grand idea is to climb to the roof over enigmatic billionaire's indoor water park and climb out onto "a ceiling window" to observe. a ceiling window.
so, obviously the window cracks because - duh. courtney's college better not be the fancy expensive kind is all i'm saying. and she crashes through and falls into the pool, but not before she notices that all the party-goers, including enigmatic billionaire, are mermaids and mermen and then whoooooaaaahhhhhh splash.
and that's what happens with courtney and billionaire, except nakeder. like, immediately.she receives oral from the breathing-underwater man (has no one ever noticed his gills???) and then they have outside the water intercourse where he has all human parts. and he also has ulterior motives which explain his willingless to go straight to the sex-making, but not hers:
"You see, mating between humans and Merfolk has a certain side affect. Our mutual orgasm is even know working an additional kind of magic that humans are not resistant too. Your short-term memory will be fading soon. By the morning, you won't remember anything from today.
and that is where we get roofies from, boys and girls. mermaid spooge.
best line award:
Courtney had only just met this man. this Merman, she didn't understand why she was letting him take such liberties with her body.
this one is probably the least-explicable to me. so, dana works at Charlie and Kathor's Decorative Rock. which is apparently a company that provides rocks and boulders to landscapers.and there is only one rule - doooo not come back to the job after hours! dooo noooot.
but she does. but it is for her dog's medication, so don't go getting all judgy. yet.
dana has met charlie, but not kathor, who is rumored to be very antisocial. but through the dark, what does she see amongst all the various rocks?
The figure was tall. Very tall. Unnaturally tall.
tall, you say?
upon closer inspection, he is twelve feet tall with pointy ears, massive biceps, stringy hair, and a hooked nose. he sees her and she tries to excape, but kathor picks up the back of her …ummm… pickup, and prevents her from leaving.
dana is a little frightened, but also intrigued. she uses flirtation as a defense mechanism. cooing over his truck-lifting strength, she asks him to do it again "Just do it, please, I've never seen a troll before. Especially one as strong as you." A flash of pride crossed Kathor's face and Dana was glad to see her flattery was having the desired effect. "And take your shirt off, too," she added.
oh, you little minx!
so he does, and despite his thick, cratered, green-tinged skin, she decides the best thing to do is to roll up on him and grab his trollhood. and he's all "what the fuck" and she's all "gimmie gimmie gimmie i grab you because i am suddenly a lust-machine." and she climbs him and fondles him and there is some oral exploration.
She'd gotten a taste of troll and now she was determined to learn everything there was about the monster in front of her.
but we got a problem here. size matters: His tumescent shaft was already larger than the few previous boyfriends that Dana had slept with.
this is unclear - does she mean his penis was bigger than the penises of her former lovers, or bigger than the boyfriends themselves? because if b, that's not really notable - if he is twelve feet tall for reals, he had better be packing more than some 6-foot human. and if a, well, yeesh.
but regardless of how that sentence is parsed, we have a problem.
Kathor's cock had grown too thick for her mouth to accommodate.
booooo! she calls it quits with basically a shrugged "whatever."
"I'm sorry, Kathor, but you're just too big a boy after all. I was hoping that maybe I could taste you all the way, but it's looking like this was just a bad idea." Dana moved to pull his trousers back up over the rigid shaft that was now jutting firmly toward the night sky. "That," she said gesturing to his cock, "is just too much to handle."
"You can handle it," his gravelly voice rumbled. "You're just trying it the wrong way."
because this troll is not going to be blueballed. not when his testicles (as we will soon learn) are already like "bags of stones." and he hauls her off with some mouthy bullshit.
"I think you are a lot stronger than you let on sometimes, Dana."
wait, how did we get to "sometimes??" isn't this about twelve minutes after they meet?? and suddenly he's bending her over a boulder and making these assertions about the way she is "sometimes?"
and then this??
Talking seems to be the only thing your mouth is good for. Tired of talking. Time for something else," he grumbled.
it's a little rude to be all passive-aggressive about her not being able to take your monstercock, pal. she gave it a better try than most girls would. but, yeah - she was a little to cocky about her ability to service that.... NO! RESIST STUPID WORDPLAY!
but, if it's too big for her mouth..., he's got some ideas.
and one more pause to discuss size. he is twelve feet tall, by dana's estimation?? so how is sexual entrée possible with her bent over a boulder with her legs on the ground?? is he all torso??
and then he basically ruins her. i know, i know, childbirth and blah and blah, but there's no way she's gonna be right after this brutal assault on her vag. but, it'll be better next time, right?
best line award:
His meat hung in the air like an unspoken promise.
Make Me a Sasquatch
another strong opening line "Make me a sammich," was the last thing Heather heard Allen say before he ran squealing into the forest like a frightened animal.
and with that, heather's plans for losing her virginity ended. or diiid they?
Heather was one of those mousy, intelligent girls that most guys seemed to ignore. Maybe the really hunky ones thought she'd look down on them for being dumb or that she only wanted to date guys on the chess team. They couldn't have been more wrong. Sure, Heather was petite with mousy brown hair, wore glasses and spent more time with her head in a book than pretty much anywhere else. But that didn't mean she wanted some pseudo-intellectually sensitive priss who ran off at the first sound of a bear or whatever was prowling around in the woods. Heather only looked small and fragile, but she didn't think she'd break from a bit of rough and tumble. She'd survived the half-hour trek out to the middle of nowhere just fine while Allen was wheezing to catch his breath once they reached the picnic site.
ah, the mythology of the plain-but-sexxy booknerd who is too shy to approach a man. here's an open secret - booknerds are the horniest people in all the land. ALA conferences? BEA afterparties?? orgies, all of them. except me. innocent as a lamb, i am.
this is the sasquatch's opening line:
"I'm taking the sandwich."
i have run out of room so i will have to continue this review in the comments section. this is Beautiful Disaster all over again.
Notes are private!
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014
Mar 23, 2012
Mar 23, 2012
in this book, a lady has sex with a bunch of werewolves.
oh, dear. that's pretty lazy, right? and i know you people YOUUUU PEEEEOPLE expect more from m in this book, a lady has sex with a bunch of werewolves.
oh, dear. that's pretty lazy, right? and i know you people YOUUUU PEEEEOPLE expect more from me with my monsterporn reviews, but FULL DISCLOSURE - there was an unexpected wine party at work, and i am all sorts of intoxicated, so no one knows what will come out of my mouth at this point. but i guarantee you it will not be anything that came out of a werewolf's body.
and i am not too drunk to know that taking a nighttime "shortcut" through central park in a tight little skirt and stiletto heels is a stupid-ass idea. and not only because of the sexxiness of such an outfit in a part of town that is pretty much dead after-hours, but wearing stiletto heels in a park is a dumb-ass idea no matter what. stiletto heels are for runways, bondage clubs, and parties. carry some walking shoes in your bag. city living 101.
and if "central park" is in any way shortcut to you - i.e. - you live ANYWHERE NEAR CENTRAL PARK, you can afford a fucking cab. cabs are god's gift to drunk chicks in uncomfortable shoes. even if you are a lightweight three-pinot drunk like lucy. i drank way more than that tonight, and i was wearing sensible shoes, and survived the subway 100% unmolested. yay, me!
oh, and this?
Ahead, the trail led through a dark arch beneath one of Central Park's stone bridges. The tunnel beneath was only twenty feet long, but it looked like the doorway to hell despite the weak overhead bulbs illuminating the old, gray stonework.
oh my god, have you never watched SVU?? those are all rape bridges. and really easy to just WALK AROUND, even in stilettos. GO THE FUCK AROUND!
but whatever - lucy decides to waltz under rape bridge through rape tunnel and a homeless fellow accosts her and says, "Woo, heya good lookin'…Hey, can you spare a dollar? I need somethin' to drink… and some pussy."
which is apparently how much pussy costs to men living under a bridge.
but lucy doesn't add it all up, and with a tear rolling down her cheek, says "I don't have any money, just leave me alone."
and the homeless wino speaks very slowly to the three-pinot girl and tries to make her understand that the pussy he is referring to is her own when WHAMMO!!! something barrels into the wino and bowls him off the path into THE DARKNESS.
and there are noises. wet tearing noises.
and then lucy sees a pair of yellow eyes…at the far end of the tunnel, gleaming in the darkness beyond the light bulb's reach. A wolf's eyes.
because lucy is a fucking expert in veterinary opthalmology all of a sudden.
and just a drunken interjection. you know what stilettos are good for, besides making the line of a woman's leg unbelievably sexy? stabbing motherfuckers in the eyes. just a free tip for you ladies who insist on walking through poorly lit giant urban parks after hours in party clothes. jeez louise.
BUT SO ANYWAYS
so she sees three wolves, and suddenly they turn into men. naked men. and this is not alarming to her, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD IT BE?
she is perplexed, sure, and thinks that someone must have slipped some shrooms in my pinot noir which is idiotic, because nasty-tasting sediment and all, but she's not freaking out enough, IMHO, probably because this nude stranger has a really big penis. and is a freaking werewolf. and lucy has not really shown herself to be particularly bright.
soooooooo as a "hey, thanks" for rescuing her from being lewdly propositioned by a smelly old wino, she has the intercourse with three werewolves. which doesn't seem like a good deal to me, but i am someone who makes smart decisions, so maybe this is just dummy math or something.
there is biting.
many entrances are explored.
she feels an overwhelming urge to pee.
the werewolves utter pillow talk like "Room for one more?"
(spoiler alert: there is room for one more)
the three werewolves breathing grew labored and heavy until Lucy realized they were growling, deep, hungry rumbles that made her think of a snarling pack tearing apart an elk.
Was she the elk?
you are worse than an elk. you are a dope.
but it's cool, because she is totally enjoying having the intercourse with three half-beast strangers who have just murdered someone in front of her. enough to desperately ask, "Will I see you again?"
AND THEY TOTALLY BLOW HER OFF BECAUSE WEREWOLVES DON'T LIKE NEEDY CHICKS.
not sure what the takeaway message from this is meant to be, but that's all i have in terms of a response.
if you are interested in any of the other fine reviews of this author's work i have written (HUMOR A DRUNK CHICK!), here you go:
garden gnome gangbang
i fucked the puppet
bred by the ogres
THE END! ...more
Notes are private!
Apr 23, 2014
Apr 23, 2014
May 22, 2012
May 22, 2012
this book is called "hipster slave boy." sold yet?
if the idea of taking a sullen, scrawny, slouchy hipster douchebag and humiliating the shit out of this book is called "hipster slave boy." sold yet?
if the idea of taking a sullen, scrawny, slouchy hipster douchebag and humiliating the shit out of him using various shades of sadistic dub-con sexual punishments makes you feel that justice is being done and all is right with the world, this is your kind of book. however, if you are going to get all preachy and declare that any situation in which there is an uneven power relationship where sex is coerced through blackmail is rape and books like this are toxic and dangerous, well, yessss, but that is missing the spirit of this book, and maybe you have never met a hipster? but good news for you, because it all works out and there is a happy ending in this one, and not the kind you would expect, although…
but there is a genuine disney-style happy ending. implied. or more like a grown-up disney pleasure island-style ending. implied.
where anything goes….
because this is one of the longer e-rotica books i have read, i don't feel bad about quoting longish passages, because some of them made me want to give a little fist-pump in the air.
not the other kind of fist-pump. perv.
here we go, the opening passages of the book:
You know the kids I'm talking about. They wear lumberjack shirts, tight jeans, and Keffiyeh scarves in July. The move to Brooklyn from Wisconsin, from Iowa, from Ohio. Because they're not interested in holding down real jobs, they spend their time pretending to be artists, musicians, and graphic designers, and spend all day in fair trade coffee shops playing around on their Macbook Pros. They talk a lot about social justice, but you'll never ever see them volunteering at the soup kitchen or knocking on doors to collect signatures.
So many fucking hipsters… driving up prices, driving out locals…riding unicycles and fixed-gear bikes…opening unbearable galleries full of pretentious art and overpriced handcrafted trinkets….
Although they live in the most expensive cities in America, hipsters have no problem filling their fridges up with locally sourced goat cheese, Mast Brothers chocolate, Magnolia pastries, Whole Foods prosciutto, artisanal sunflower seed butter, $10 loaves of gluten-free bread, and case after case of PBR. However, they never seem to have any money left afterwards for rent, utilities, or cleaning supplies for their disgusting apartments.
It would be hilarious, if I wasn't a landlord, and a herd of hipsters weren't my fucking tenants…
Like all Native-born New Yorkers, I regard these kids with a mixture of pity and contempt - - despite the fact that I'm the same age as most of them. But while these kids were blowing $40,000 a year on degrees in Feminist Urban Critical Puppetry Theory at small Midwestern colleges, I was deployed to Iraq's Green Zone as a logistics technician.
that's right! and a brooklyn-born burly homosexual vet who works in a warehouse all day and also maintains a building has no patience for buttery pampered veal-kids with trust funds and asymmetrical haircuts who move in, destroy their apartments with the carelessness of those who don't pay their own rent and, on a larger scale, turn brooklyn into their little artistic stomping ground, driving longterm blue-collar residents to the no man's land of…queens.
so, when dominic goes into the apartment rented by a little blond twink named cooper,
and sees what has been done to the interior, he loses his italian-american alpha male shit.
"Item one. You've painted the walls all black, except you got bored halfway and stopped over there. And you obviously didn't bother to sand or prime the areas you did paint…it's already started peeling off! Fuck, do you know the first thing about painting?"
in addition to the paint, in only four months' time, cooper has allowed a friend to remove the moldings and light fixtures to sell, someone has punched a hole in the wall, he has an unauthorized cat and equally unauthorized cigarettes, there are dirty dishes everywhere, and he has glued pennies to the wall to make a "solar heat sink."
our dominant male is displeased.
but he's got an ace up his sleeve. he has discovered that cooper has been receiving rent checks from both his mother and his father, as they are divorced and not on speaking terms, and has been financing his quinoa habit with the extra money.
let the blackmail begin!
and after some well-stated snark:
You know, it's funny how hipsters love 'sustainable' shit, when their whole lifestyle is based on credit card debt and money from home, and some bleating from cooper about how he is not a hipster
"Shut up," I said. "First of all, yes you are a hipster, you live in Brooklyn, you don't have a job, and you and all your friends dress like fucking idiots.
and a little lesson in what differentiates a gay man from a "faggot":
"Men take responsibility for their actions. Faggots don't. Men work real jobs. Faggots leech money from other people. Men know how to paint a fucking wall without giving up halfway through. Faggots never finish anything they start."
dominic verbally abuses cooper and tells him he has to vacate the apartment by the end of the month or he is going to tell cooper's parents about his little double-rent scam.
but cooper makes him an offer he can't refuse. and dominic enjoys the offering very much. dominic also notices in cooper a leaning towards submission, and he takes advantage of it, in a series of long-term and escalating humiliations, both private and very, very public, all the while holding his blackmail currency over cooper's head, but eventually no longer needing it, as cooper has taken to their relationship like a duck to bondage.
will these crazy kids find true happiness in this very unusual relationship?? will cooper stop listening to such shitty music? will dominic allow cooper to lick the sweat from his feet? read the book and find out! ...more
Notes are private!
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014
Oct 19, 2013
Oct 19, 2013
so. hammered by the hydra. here we go.
the preface of the book sets out the specifics:
In the not too distant future, New York's Central Park has become so. hammered by the hydra. here we go.
the preface of the book sets out the specifics:
In the not too distant future, New York's Central Park has become an otherworldly zoo, containing some of the most exotic monsters from history, myth, legend, and even outer space.
City leaders created the Garden of Unearthly Delights to provide much-needed revenue to repair New York City's infrastructure. People from around the world flock to the zoo, paying exorbitant prices for the privilege of roaming what was once the city's most serene setting. During the day, invisible fences and electronic locks keep the monsters away from the public areas, and visitors watch them from paths, viewing platforms, and reinforced Jeeps manned with armed guards.
At night, the fences and locks are deactivated, and the monsters are free to roam…to prey…to devour. Every morning crews must drag savaged corpses away. Usually, the bones are from animals released as prey. Occasionally, the monsters kill each other.
But the monsters also have other, darker, needs. Rumors abound of women being secretly kidnapped and delivered into the monsters' kingdom, sacrifices to the creatures' super charged sexual appetites.
Some say these are urban myths. Others swear they are true.
One thing is sure: the depraved human rulers of the city will do whatever it takes to keep the monsters satisfied and the money flowing in. What none of them realize is that some women crave the touch of something more than human, and are all too willing to abandon themselves to the exotic pleasures that can be found in the garden of Unearthly Delights.
okay. so let's backtrack a second. this is new york's genius plan for financial stability? corralling dangerous monsters all together in one location in one of the most tourist-heavy parts of the city?? when has amassing a collection of monsters ever worked out for the best?
and - what the what??
At night, the fences and locks are deactivated, and the monsters are free to roam…to prey…to devour. Every morning crews must drag savaged corpses away. Usually, the bones are from animals released as prey. Occasionally, the monsters kill each other.
WHY are the fences deactivated at night?? can these monsters not just be fed like regular zoo animals?? who is in charge of returning these monsters to their enclosures? this is so ridiculous, i can't even face it right now.
but not as ridiculous as Occasionally, the monsters kill each other.
because that does not sound like a wise investment. presumably, it took a lot of money and manpower to obtain these creatures, and you're just gonna let them go all free-for-all at night? i would think that mythological beasts are a finite resource, especially since they seem to only be interested in having sexual intercourse with human women, which is an evolution no-no.
but if you ARE going to set them loose and let them kill each other, it seems like kind of a waste to not at least film it or charge admission to the event. this is why you have money troubles, new york. get better financial advisors!
because i would pay for this
but enough nitpicking - we haven't even gotten to the 10-page story yet!
our heroine is named dixie ranger. which is a perfectly plausible name. she has been looking after her little sister stephie since her mom left them when dixie was 16 and stephie was 10. dixie endured the advances of her stepfather and the cruelties of the foster care system and all she wants is to take care of her now-19-year-old sister and be her best friend and mommy all at once.
stephie was the sweetest book nerd in the entire world, but she was also gorgeous enough to be a supermodel. so it's clear she needs watching over. but for all dixie's attentions, stephie still goes missing, and she is gone for two weeks before dixie gets a hot tip that stephie has been seen in the garden of unearthly delights, near the hydra lagoon.
she meets up with a man who works there and is willing to smuggle her in one night, and she is going to get to the bottom of this for real!
so she gets to the hydra lagoon, and heads into the cave. Inside, the cave was utterly black, as black as outer space without stars, as black as the inside of a monster's belly.
it was also very hot.
very very hot.
so dixie sensibly removes her black fleece hoodie. and throws it on the cave floor.
sensible, but wasteful, really.
but then - then - she proceeds to behave very stupidly.
…all too soon, she began to sweat again. In another fifty feet, she disposed of her sweat pants and shoes and then her t-shirt, moving forward in nothing but her bra and underpants. She felt utterly exposed, but there was no other choice. It was too warm to stay conscious with so many clothes on.
okay, so fine. take off your hoodie, fair enough. but then get completely naked? i get that it's hot, but what's your exit strategy here? because in a perfect world, dixie, you get to rescue your sister and the two of you escape together and go home, as your contact has said "Get in, get to your sister, and get to the Columbus Gate as fast as you can. The guards stationed there will let you out if you make it that far."
and if you're going to be walking on the city streets at night, you should probably have on more than just your panties.
i mean, ultimately this becomes a moot point, but it's still a little troubling that she's just heading into the beast's lair all cavalier with no protection, and for the love of god, BAREFOOT, which generally impedes one's ability to run away. and where is she carrying her metrocard and apartment keys?? i need answers here!
so anyway, she finally makes her way into the lair of the beast only to find her sister in flagrente delicto with a hydra big as a city bus, with the body of a massive snake. But at the top of the beast, instead of one giant serpent head, there were five. Five long necks topped by five heads that resembled a medieval dragon's.
and all five of those heads are busy servicing her sister's naked body.
"Don't look, Dixie" stephie begs, because - come on - busy here!
but dixie cannot look away, and she watches her sister ejaculate impressively all over dragonface #3.
and experiences a moment of sibling rivalry.
She wanted to know what it felt like to be so out of her mind with pleasure that she couldn't stop herself from coming, even when surprised by a family member mid-act.
because isn't this what we all wish? to be blasé about a blood relative peeping while we are having sexxytimes?
but the hydra is not finished with its supermodel booknerd. which is a little rude, considering company has just come calling, but no more nor less rude than watching a monster plowing your sister and starting to masturbate to it.
she didn't want to be the only creature in the room not anywhere close to orgasm.
when in rome, i guess.
but oh yay!! she doesn't have to lust after her sister's new lover or take care of her own needs because - another hydra!
this one only has three bathtub-sized heads, but dixie observes that this one is clearly older…and more experienced.
which is a strange conclusion but whatevs.
this new hydra gives her a knowing grin, again - somehow.
and decides they need a little mood lighting.
so her sister and hydra #1 are still going at it in the corner, and dixie is well-primed to make acquaintances with hydra #2. she removes what is left of her clothing and after receiving a telepathic image of what the hydra would like from her, which happens to line up perfectly with her own thoughts (oh, a match made in heaven), she goes to town on all fifteen inches of his green polished marble.
are you curious about what hydra-genitals smell like? because i think it might surprise you.
like fresh rain and green bananas, like starfruit bursting on the tongue and an ocean wave washing over her feverish body.
amazing! but so they frolic together and everyone is satisfied and in love (yes, the l-word is used) and the girls decide to stay there forever and live with the hydras in their central park love nest. which would be an impressive real estate win but for all the monsters roaming nightly.
and there you have it: hammered by the hydra.
i meant to review this this evening but instead i got drunk.
sometimes people make bad decisions.
how does this relate to the book? tune in soon to find out. ...more
Notes are private!
Mar 11, 2014
Mar 12, 2014
Sep 09, 2011
Oct 07, 2013
fair warning - this is a book of monsterporn that i read for my seeecet monsterporn reading group. because the stories are so short, MOAR MONSTERPORN!
fair warning - this is a book of monsterporn that i read for my seeecet monsterporn reading group. because the stories are so short, i tend to give the whole plot away in these reviews. if you are one of those people who read your porn for plot, you might want to avoid this review. if you are like me and monsterporns make you giggle and you like poking gentle, well-intentioned fun at them, please do continue reading.
the takeaway from this book is that all vampires are rapists. and also all men. at least in alaska.
there is not one male character in this book who does not at some point try to rape our heroine or her best friend. does anyone else find this alarming? i certainly do, since my dad was very gung ho about moving us all to alaska when i was eleven or so. i feel like i dodged a bullet there.
statistically speaking, fewer rapes and other violent crimes happen in cold climates. warm weather tends to increase aggression, and in the cold, people are generally less willing to expose their genitals to the elements. except for hipsters on no pants day. hipsters, as you know, are too cool to contribute to polls about the effects of climate on violent impulses.
but so anyway - despite the research done in this field, in this particular part of alaska, every single man seems to be a rapist. if you find this is true of your town, ladies, might i suggest moving away from that town and letting the rapists rape each other and see how they like it?
a recent wave of rape-homicides in this town has been very specific:
Men were killed and drained dry of their blood and if there were women with them, they were raped.
But none of the women could remember the attack or their attacker.
despite this crime wave, besties rachel and michelle decide to go out for a night on the town to relax after the long work week. they are both hot, but only michelle is super-slutty. we are told this repeatedly. rachel admires michelle's sexual freedom, but rachel herself is holding out for mr. right:
It's not that I'd never had sex. Casual just wasn't a main entree.
but she is certainly willing to wear the uniform of a whore, to tip my allusive hat to dave chappelle. and while i would never be the person who said a woman was asking for it by dressing a certain way, i do worry about ladies in alaska who wear so little clothing and go wandering out into the night in the snow.
again - i have seen many a chapped ass on no-pants day, and that is practically tropical compared to alaska, where according to rachel: I fumbled with my keys, finally yanking my glove off with my teeth, groaning as the cold air assaulted my fingertips, making them instantly numb.
instantly numb. this is neither a lovely day for a rape nor thigh-high revealing miniskirts.
but nothing will stop these girls from their good time. while they are sitting at the bar, they discuss the rumor mill gossip about a guy at their work who has supposedly date raped a girl; a guy who has already creeped rachel out earlier that evening with an attempted underground parking garage seduction.
where this line occurred:
It was Erik, a guy from work. My shoulders slumped in relief. He scared the shit out of me.
i do not think that rachel knows what the word "relief" means. but no worries, because she managed to evade erik and is now dancing at the club with some guy after slutty michelle pranced off with some other guy.
and remember this assertion?
It's not that I'd never had sex. Casual just wasn't a main entree.
says the girl letting a stranger kiss her neck before leaving the club hand-in-hand with him "to look for rachel" before she even knows his name. his name is matt. he is going to try to rape her. because he is a man.
quick pass over what happens next: they find michelle in a car getting raped by two men, rachel turns "to go find help" but is stopped by erik, who throws her in the same car to rape her, but before he can, a big dude intercedes, beats up the three men, another man suddenly appears, and then the two non-rapists start drinking the blood of the rapists. yay, justice!
because vampires are also assholes, and although they don't actually sexually assault the girls, their behavior is exactly that of sexual predators: not letting the girls leave, showing their physical dominance, making threats, turning away those who would come to their rescue with mind control, and scrubbing michelle's mind and leaving her a slackjawed mess (more about this mind scrub later)
the vampires can tell that rachel is different. she cannot be mind scrubbed, and they can smell her specialness. one of the vampires, cole, marks her on the forehead "for later" and eventually allows them to leave when they hear the police sirens and realize they should probably hide the bodies. even though plenty of similar bodies have been found, so why the concern, but leave it.
but that forehead-mark is going to be a problem, because apparently humans can smell the pheromones of vampires on a lady and it makes them all riled up and horny, because their subconscious biological imperative is to impregnate the human woman before the vampire can. this is my understanding of the word biology, not the one in this book, which seems to mean "arousal:
My fear was in my throat but my biology was never touched by it.
but! so, the girls go to the police station to make a report and michelle gets her rape kit done (because apparently the mind scrub was just to forget the vampires? and not the rape? which seems a little selfish of the vampires, but whatever.) but then - vampire pheromones do their thing! and the police officer taking rachel's statement begins to get a little suggestive and handsy with rachel, and then begins fingering michelle where she is passed out on the bed. but then yay vampires to rescue. sort of. they leave michelle to be raped. yes - rachel leaves michelle mid-rape. those of you keeping score, yes rachel runs away (twice) from michelle being raped (twice). but it's okay because michelle is very promiscuous. and because the vampires mind-scrub her again. so it's like it never happened! who needs roofies when you have vampires?
so rachel gets taken to some vampire enclave, where she is held prisoner and told that she has druid blood, is in fact a purebred druid - very rare - which means she is able to breed with a vampire. this is vital to the vampire clan, since vampire females are notoriously sterile, but can, in fact, be bred to male druids. and yet not a single vampire baby or child is depicted in this book. just adults and some pregnant druids.
more fun facts about vampires in this world:
they can sweat
they can get erections
they have reflections
they have voices either like velvet gravel or spoken velvet
more on the confusing mythology of vampires in this world later.
so rachel manages to call michelle on her faltering cellphone to tell her what has happened:
I've been taken by the freak-vampires and am trying to figure out an escape plan.
to which michelle replies
Well… I am doing cat-sitting right now. Do you know where you're at? Are you okay?
soooo the mention of vampires does not faze her, meaning… that the mind scrub didn't make her forget the vampires after all? or the rape that led to the dead bodies of the rapists the police found? but it did let her forget the rape by the police officer, so i guess that's one silver lining. and then she says that the cops have been crawling all over your apartment looking for you. which - if i might make a suggestion? maybe the cops should be out there preventing all those rapes instead of looking for a 28 year old woman who has been "missing" less than a day. why are they looking for her? who reported her missing? as far as michelle knows, she was at the police station with her during the rape kit, right? and then - memory scrub! but so cops in this town take missing (for a few hours) persons cases very seriously and can just bust into your apartment and, as we later learn, put police tape all over your door as if your place is a crime scene instead of focusing on violent crimes? how do police work in this world?
soooo anyway - rachel is imprisoned, and then cole and nathan, the two vampires from the attack(s) come in her room and cole states: I will taste you now, Witch. And you will let me. and he does. and she does. and everyone gets aroused by the smell of blood, but cole has principles!
I cannot, it is akin to rape. She is in blood-langour. She would have sex with any one of us. And," Cole said, stroking the flat of his palm over one of my nipples until it hardened," Alexander would find what vampire would be the most fertile with her."
but apparently, while having sex with her would be unethical, it is still totally permissible for them both to nipple, finger, and provide oral sex to someone in "blood-langour." because that's not rape. and let's pause for a moment.oral sex. with a vampire. ow.
and then she gets taken to this big banquet hall, where she is going to be paired up with one or more vampires for breeding purposes.
They circled me. One came from behind and another came forward pinning my arms to my side and crushing his lips to mine. "Submit, Druid," he said, his hand going right for my crotch. I squirmed against steel bands and struggled, hardly able to breathe. They weren't doing anything, they were no better than the men Cole had saved me from.
"She has such spirit, look at how she tries to fight." He tore at my panties and began to dig his way inside me and I threw my head forward into his and he stumbled back, his hand retreating while I was bodily picked up by the vampire behind me, swung around and pressed to the floor. My head was ringing and the vampire I'd hit was coming toward me again to join in some kind of gang-rape.
fortunately, she is saved (third time) by cole, who believes that the druids should choose their mate, and mate for love, despite how few of them there are left and the vampires are dying out. because again - in this messed up mythology world, vampire babies are a thing, as opposed to every single other vampire mythology in the world where vampires make more vampires by that whole blood-exchange and fang thing.
so cole stops the gang rape, but allows the leader, alexander, (because vampires have strange and antiquated ways of speaking, but surprisingly contemporary names) to "check her fertility" by "plung(ing) a finger inside me, moving it back and forth." and then tries to rape her. of course. but cole stops that, because remember: unwanted fingering is okay, but he draws the line at penile insertion. vamp's gotta have a code.
and then they eat.
The community supper had been awkward as hell and I had suffered through it while taking furtive glances at the five that were going to gang rape me in front of everyone.
yes. that is certainly awkward. oh, sorry, awkward as hell. that makes it less of an understatement.
okay, so then rachel is freed by a jealous female vampire who has observed the shine cole has taken to rachel, and she wants cole for herself. because she is of mixed blood, and might be able to breed, unlike so many of the female vampires. so she turns rachel loose, but it's a trap because the rogue vampires find her! (more about the rogue later, but shorthand it to say that they are the ones who have been raping and killing. not the "good" vampires like cole)
and what do you think the rogue want to do to rachel?
"Not so brave now, Breeder, with my hand feeding on your tit," and for emphasis he squeezed it just on the good side of pain and I whimpered. He smiled as his other hand went for my crotch.
poor rachel has had her crotch grabbed by like 10 different people at this point.
but! cole and nathan to the rescue (rescue number 5), and a vampire fight commences, and after the rogue have been defeated, cole says goodbye forever to nathan and their enclave, and leaves with rachel. because of the lurve and feels and all.
he takes her back to her place (where they discover the crime scene tape) to assemble your belongings to take with us. because while he might not care about her consent, he really wants to make sure she has her toothbrush. kindly vamp. thoughtful vamp.
and after he breaks into her place for her, it is time for romance:
"I will have you now."
but they don't. he takes off her clothes and heals her wounds and then oh no! that creepy (alleged) date-rape guy from the parking garage enters with a rogue and shoots cole with a bunch of tranquilizer darts and then says of rachel "I want to fuck her bad." and the rogue vampire says "You should have killed me when you had the chance, Reaper. Know this…she will be mine within the week."
really? so you go to all the trouble of getting this purebred druid woman to mate with and then you're just gonna wait a few days before sealing the deal? even though the survival of your species depends on it? nothing like a little caution, i suppose. the long pause before the kill always works out well for villains. and why does non-vampire erik think he has a shot intercoursing with rachel?
and then erik makes with the exposition. to rachel: "You're so stupid. The rogue used me for months to spy on you. They were just waiting for the perfect opportunity to take you from underneath their noses," he said, gesturing with the gun at Cole.
okay wait. she has been with the vampires for like a day, a day and a half tops, so that makes no sense. and erik has been spying on her for months and no one was able to grab this girl before that? these are the worst vampires ever.
and then it ends cliffhanger-style while cole is incapacitated by the tranquilizers and rachel is sped off into the night in a car.
here are some annoyances i had with this book
there is this weird internal monologue cadence-tic of one-word sarcasm-responses that litter the story making rachel come across like a sullen teenager:
-I had just about been raped by a police officer for shit's sake and here I was: ready-to-hump a stranger that wasn't even human. I started shaking from shock and cold.
-God, the breast-feeding must be hell, I shuddered. Yuk.
She saw my face and asked, "What?"
"I was thinking about feeding the baby…?" I let that loaded question hover like a pink elephant in the room and Eve laughed.
"The vampire infants have retractable fangs, my dear."
(it amuses me that she is worried about what the pain of breastfeeding a vamp would be when, in four pages, she is going to experience vampire oral)
-They stared at each other for a swollen moment. My heart was in my throat. Here were a couple of vampires, casually discussing who would have sex with me first. Like I was a commodity.
-"Who has bled her?" the leader asked, a huge signet type ring glinting on his middle finger; a swollen ruby that reflected their precious blood.
His hand covered his nose and he breathed out of his mouth, as did the others.
Wasn't this special?
I was locked in a house with a bunch of gang-rapists whose primary goal was to get me pregnant.
Every girl's dream.
and again and again. i understand using humor as a defense mechanism, but this "golly gee whiz" attitude seems a little out of place for someone in her situation.
and the vampire mythology is a mess, particularly when it comes to the rogue vampires.
"Doesn't look like you're keeping things under wraps too well. Judging by the psychos that are running around raping and bleeding out everyone of late." I folded my arms across my chest, going for nonchalant know-it-all.
His eyes bored into mine. "Those are rogue Vampire. We were trailing them when we came upon you and the human female."
so rogue = bad.
I could not stand by and watch her being mauled. She needs more time. That is one thing the rogue believe: that she should have a choice.
wait, the rogue? the ones raping and killing? the "bad guys?" the ones who tried to kidnap rachel twice, after all the crotch-grabbing?? where's the choice there?
and cole and nathan are reapers who "harvest" the world, looking for druids and bringing them back to be mass-mated with vampires? i'm so confused about whose side i am supposed to be on here.
because later, eve - a kindly pregnant-by-vampires druid lady in the enclave tells rachel that the rogues ...did not believe that Druids should be shared, they wished not to follow the "old ways." But, Eve warned, they also took Druids, and mated with them…and forced them to stay with them.
sooo, exactly what the vampires do, right? i'm not understanding the distinction here at all. and how sharing druids is any less distasteful than kidnapping and imprisoning them for breeding. and where that belief in "choice" went.
and what does this mean?
the rogues …killed whatever vampires that stood in their way. Vampire scouts like Cole and Nathan would be killed on sight and a small battle would ensue to ascertain their success.
wait, so a battle ensues after the scouts have been killed? with their corpses? and "ascertain?" how did that word get into that sentence? a rogue, indeed…
i do not understand this story at all.
and the character motivation.
so, okay. bodies of men have been piling up around town, drained of blood, along with living women, raped and with no memory of the attackers. so in the first scene, where cole and nathan come in and save michelle and rachel from their rapists by killing them and drinking their blood, you would think "oh, so that's what's been going on. that's wonderful! vigilante vampires who go around killing rapists and rescuing the girls and clearing their minds from the trauma. what an elegant and cost-effective solution to crime-fighting!" but it's not that. the vampires claim that the rogues are the ones raping the women and killing the men, even though vampires can only mate with druids. so why leave the women alive, at all, and why attack couples in the first place? why not just go after women on their own and take care of both needs at once? and why do cole and nathan intervene and prevent rachel's (if not michelle's) rape? they didn't know at the time that rachel was "special," and cole and nathan are reapers who are supposed to go out and scout for druids upon whom to breed, not get involved in human affairs for the sake of do-goodery. what is going on in this world????
again - i am probably overthinking things. what did i learn from all of this? i do not enjoy rape porn. or poorly-handled world-building. ...more
Notes are private!
Feb 14, 2014
Feb 15, 2014
Feb 14, 2014
Sep 22, 2012
Sep 22, 2012
i reviewed this book almost exactly one year ago. and today, i referenced it after someone was MEAN to GREG on a similarly-themed book review. so i am i reviewed this book almost exactly one year ago. and today, i referenced it after someone was MEAN to GREG on a similarly-themed book review. so i am floating the review to include a link to greg's review. i am not drunk right now. but feel free to go tell greg how wrong he is here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
this is what i look like when i am drunk:
and this is how i review when i am drunk:
it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!
and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.
therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!
will they all be awesome?
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.
this is the sixteenth book in the project.
okay, so i am breaking my "january is lady month" streak* to review this book because 1) i am wicked drunk and read this on the train home because i knew i wouldn't be able to focus on the book i was actually reading and 1a) i didn't want to review the megan abbott book in this condition because she deserves better and 1b) while it would be perfectly acceptable to review The Horny Games Trilogy drunk, it was a present, and i feel like presents deserve a sober review. these are my etiquettes.
so this book is about a dude who sits next to a girl on the train and although he tries to be a good passenger, she is wicked hot and he can't help but notice how she keeps jutting her chest out and bending over so she's showing her red thong and before he knows it, he is totally having sex with her in his seat while the couple across from them becomes inspired by them and starts having sex in their seats and the lady who takes the tickets is having sex with like two dudes and it is a fucking SEX TRAIN!!! power of suggestion and all. and there are fluids flying everywhere and it is probably really distracting for the people who are just on the train to go from one place to another and are just TRYING TO READ THEIR BOOKS AND NOT GET HIT WITH ALL THE FLYING JIZZ AND HPV. but whatever. sometimes you are traveling and your train turns into a sex train #firstworldproblem yadda yadda.
and so i read this on the train and no one had sex near me or on me or with me, and i cannot tell you how grateful i was for that, because despite what hollywood would have you believe, the 7 train is not known for its hotness, unless you are turned on by those medical masks that elderly asian women wear. i have never seen anyone having sex on it, not ever.
also, i am probably too kertrunken to be on the computer right now, so scott rex, if you feel i am being a bully by not giving your book a review with all of my critical faculties intact, feel free to report me to that site that is so fucking desperate for content that they equate "i don't like this book" with "this author should die a thousand deaths."
that's all i got. i'm sorry this wasn't a fun drunk book report - just nonsense rambling. but i am such a bully i don't even have to apologize. SEX TRAIN!
greg took pictures of me drunk tonight. i assume they are adorable and he will add them to the thread. me, i'm going to go lie down until the spinning stops. FREE WINE FTW!
*with the one exception of mile mullin, explained in its review, and totally justified. ...more
Notes are private!
Jan 27, 2014
Jan 27, 2014
Jul 13, 2013
Jul 14, 2013
i think this is technically my first shapeshifter book. there was a dragon that made himself more… accommodating to the young woman he was wooing one i think this is technically my first shapeshifter book. there was a dragon that made himself more… accommodating to the young woman he was wooing one time, but these are straight-up shapeshifter bear gods. i read this one because it was one of the titles featured in that article about amazon getting all cold-footed about monsterporn even though it makes them a lot of money. and although i really only read these for chuckles and fun reviews, i still think these kinds of books are valid and important to their fans and should be available to anyone 18 and older. and so i support them. and then i gently mock them.
so this one takes place in a land whose theology was bear-based, but then got taken over by a band of priests with a more humanoid god. and laena is not having any of it. when her moms is all "you have to marry this boy and accept new god," she runs to the safety of the woods to have a good cry and roll around in nature. and, boy, will she ever roll!
after some time has passed, she finds herself in a part of the woods she doesn't even recognize, where she is approached by a giant bear.
Wherever it set its massive claws, the ground shuddered, the moss turned bright green, and tiny flowers and ferns burst up from the ground.
this kind of magical claw-power might become tricky later, if things go they way they usually go in monsterotica.
and then the bear is joined by TWO MORE BEARS! now it is a party. there ware three different colors of bear: golden, red and black
kind of like this:
but more super-masculine, of course.
and laena is all "why me, bears?? why do you come to me??"
Because you believe and because you are the last in our realm with the power to drive out these thieving priests and their false god. The priests have now come to every village where they poison the thoughts of our people, driving them away from their bond with the land. Once humans forget their place in the delicate balance of things, they will destroy everything with greed and arrogance…Those that have turned away from us can no longer see or hear us, so we must send a messenger. That messenger must have human blood…You will bear the messenger, Laena. A human child with the voice and the eyes of gods.
oh, so it's a something of a long-term plan. and one that includes a little bear nookie. you would think that they would want to make changes now, and not after whatever the gestation period for a bear-god/human hybrid is plus however long it takes a bear-god/human hybrid to become viable as messenger, but who am i do question a bear-god, much less three bear-gods?
laena is very devout, so she agrees, and now it's a real party. the three bears lose their bear bodies, retaining only their bear heads and paws.
The black-skinned clasped his mighty clawed hands around my waist. I could feel a divine heat radiating from him. Something about the way he touched me inflamed me, body and soul.
which is comparable to making flowers shoot up out of the ground, so no continuity issues here!
fortunately, bear gods are not like real bears, evidently, because these smell, even in their breeding-parts, like "salt" and "woods in the rain," "earth," "honey," "musk," and "the scent of the ancient woods." and not the way bears really smell: poo and wet dog. with notes of dead animal
although laena is a total virgin, she is completely unafraid of what is happening to her. or maybe because she is a virgin.
There was nothing to fear in the presence of the gods.
this chick should really brush up on her classical mythology.
she engages in breeding practices with all three bears, reacting in a really casual manner, if you ask me.
Here I was, riding a god.
and then things get taken up a notch. well, she is taking it up two notches, anyway.
Then falling into the same sensual rhythm as the black bear-god, the golden one plunged into my second hole. I gasped in surprise at the sharp, strange sensation. I felt full in a desperate sort of way, like my body would be unable to handle it all.
it really shouldn't be able to handle it all, peaches.
again, i never understand these breeding stories that focus so much on the anal and oral aspects of the ritual. if you're there to breed, just breed. don't go wasting your bear-god seed in places where it is unlikely to result in progeny. there is altogether too much wasted messenger-material in this story.
but so then there are a lot of different contortions, and twister-like scenarios, and claws become hands for comfort, but then the last session is just full-on bear sex, and eventually, they leave her, completely satisfied and full of bear-juice.
My gown was nearby. I picked it up, and to my surprise, it was nothing like the the one that the gods had torn off of me. It shimmered in the misty light, and weaved into it were the same mysterious colored patterns the gods wore on their furry coats. I donned it. It was sheer but stunningly beautiful and otherworldly.
I would return to the village with my head held high. The first gods were real, and they had answered me.
no walk of shame for this girl! and i guess, when she goes back and tells her mom that she fornicated with three bear gods and "just you wait, mom!" there will be no repercussions or further talks about marriage and in however long it will take for this messenger to be born and live up to its purpose, they will all be sorry!!!
or she will just be known as the crazy girl who fucked a bunch of bears.
either way - a good time had by all. ...more
Notes are private!
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013