Garbage. Absolutely horrifying, utter trash. A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells. Honestly, why isGarbage. Absolutely horrifying, utter trash. A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells. Honestly, why is this even published? Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe, claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel. Are you absolutely shitting me? There is nothing romantic at all about this 'book'. And I don't mean the BDSM erotica themes, I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin' thing.
In fact, that's what this book should be called. 'Fifty shades of absolute-fucking-insanity-and-abuse'. I know at least every one star reviewer has taken the title and created their own pun with it, but fuck it, I'm jumping on the bandwagon too.
Before I decided to read this (God help me), I kept seeing it everywhere I went, and the book store where I work was involved in the promotion among other book store chains. Typical. All me and my co-workers knew that it was smut, and a hell of a lot of it too. We even turned the book into a drinking game, and it goes as thus: Flip to a random page of the book. If it's something dirty, take a drink. I do not recommend this game, for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round. But if you're feeling adventurous... by all means. Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas.
But anyway, let's cut to my opinion of this abomination of literature. I decided to read it because it sounded like garbage, and I haven't written a review about garbage in too long. I owed something to the people who actually found me worthwhile to follow on Goodreads. So I decided hell, I'll review this.
Brain cells I will never, ever, EVER, get back.
This is literally the worst book I have ever read, and I say that about many books. But this is the worst book for a damn good reason. Let's talk about what I hated about this book. The bottom line is I hated absolutely everything. And I'm not saying that to be funny, I'm saying that out of all seriousness. I didn't find a single redeeming quality in this book. With the Hush, hush series we at least had the unintentional hilarity and the awesomeness of Marcie. In Twilight we had that chick who wanted to kill Bella and Tyler's van. Fifty shades of Grey has no such redeeming qualities. The characters are bland and merely props to set the stage for fucking weird BDSM-ing, and the plot was lost somewhere in the vagina of the author's wet dream. (Believe me, I feel weird for even typing these words.)
Not to mention, even though everyone already knows this, this was originally a Twilight fan fiction called 'Master of the universe' or some shitty, stupid title like that. How did such a thing get published? What, Twilight wasn't horrible and abuse-glorifying enough, so we had to kick it up a notch with publishing 'Master of the universe'? Are you people serious? Why is it that dumber and dumber things are getting published? Quality is almost non-existent. Fucking hell.
But before I rant on for hours about that, let's talk about the characters. Oh, I mean props. Yeah, props is more appropriate. Why? Because the characters, for all the personality they had may as well have been props.
Our first main prop is Ana, aka Bella Swan. The plain, virginal wallflower who thinks lowly of herself whilst everyone around her just seems to freaking worship her. She is also clumsy, reads books, has divorced parents, doesn't get along with her step-father, and is a brain dead moronic twat. Remind you of anyone? I wonder who you're thinking of. That is a humdinger, isn't it? I'm amazed how many women are not pissed off with her complete lack of sense and self-respect. She lets a man abuse her physically and emotionally, and allows him to satiate his ever-growing need to control her completely, passing it off as some cute obsessive habit. And even if she has doubts and runs away, she comes running back to him only seconds after. How are people not pissed off about this? Seriously? Not to mention she has zero personality, zero brain-cells, and zero common sense. Her character serves no purpose other than becoming some abusive asshole's sex toy.
And let's not forget our second main prop, Christian Grey, aka Edward Cullen, aka creepy-stalker-sociopathic-megalomaniacal-abusive-horrifying-asshole. The fact that he has fangirls in the real world has pretty much ruined my faith in mankind, and the new generation. Christian Gray pretty much pushes the limits that Edward Cullen, Patch, Daniel and others have yet to push due to their PG ratings, but fuck does Christian Grey push those fucking limits. He physically abuses Ana, and it somehow gets excused on the account that she was briefly aroused by it. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?? SERIOUSLY?? Fuck my life. He also decides what she should eat, what she should wear, how she should act, speak, communicate with him, where she can and can't go or what she can and can't do, threatens her constantly even with physical violence, and the list goes on. I kid you not. He even has this set out as a contract (which by the way is repeated at least 5 times in the fucking book). Here's another example of how romantic this mother fucker is:
"I like the control it gives me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire."
See? Romantic as freaking Mel Gibson. And by the way, the women who find this guy romantic need some serious therapy. Seriously. Harsh I know, but finding this guy romantic is like like excusing the actions of a child-molester because he has nice hair. This is not romantic. This is ABUSIVE and WRONG on sooooo many levels.
I don't know why they decided to plant this book in the general romance section. This is not romantic. And don't give me the 'IT'S MEANT TO BE BDSM, SO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DOM VS SUB'. This goes way beyond the good ol' BDSM theme and just ends up treading into abusive territory. Christian takes these aspects into the relationship where he ends up not only controlling a woman sexually, but also emotionally, and deliberately moulding her into not just a sex partner, but an ideal of what he wants her to be and leaves her no room for her individuality and instead brands it as 'punishable'. That's not part of the BDSM jig. I'm sorry, but it's not. Why people even call this romantic is beyond me. I already mentioned the abusive aspects of this so called relationship, but other than that it was a relationship built on air. Since neither of the characters had any personality outside their sex drives, they had nothing that they saw in each other. They couldn't relate to each other, they didn't share any common interests, they didn't do any good for each other, outside the sexy stuff. And at the end they want to pass it off as though the two are actually in love? Give me a break. Watching people get swooped at by magpies is more romantic that this garbage.
The plot? There was no plot. Seriously, I could not find it. ANYWHERE. I searched and searched but alas, my search has left me unrewarded. Let me explain in a quick paragraph how this book goes:
'Girl meets some guy. Some guy is hot. Girl thinks some guy is hot. Hot some-guy shows up where girl who thinks some-guy is hot works. Hot some-guy asks out girl, takes her virginity. Stuff happens. Hot some-guy introduces girl (who thinks he's hot, by the way) to his BDSM sex dungeon, and the next half of the book is spent pondering whether or not girl (who thinks some-guy is hot, in case it wasn't mentioned enough in the book) wants to indulge in hot some-guy's fantasies. Also the hot some-guy takes complete control over girl (did I mention she thinks he's hot?) who seems to be totally okay with it. More stuff happens. Girl gets spanked too hard, breaks up with hot some-guy. The end.'
That's it. That's the whole book. And the whole 'Ohhh Christian has secrets' bullcrap in the blurb? Bullcrap. His secrets are mentioned in only 5% of the book and drive the plot nowhere. The book is only about how some asshole wants to control some stupid girl. The other characters are barely relevant. They were just more props whose only role was to be interested in the 'relationship' between Ana and Christian. They didn't seem to be interested in anything else. They could be buttering toast and thinking 'I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now.'
An absolute waste. The media might be promoting this tripe as the new hero of literature, but this is and always will be just another wart on the ass of literature, along with Twilight and all its' descendants. You know what they say, you can polish a turd, but it will still be a turd. ...more
One of the major problems among many others with this book is that it feels as though the premise of this book died within the first chapter, and theOne of the major problems among many others with this book is that it feels as though the premise of this book died within the first chapter, and the rest of the book was spent dragging around said corpse of premise. Why did the premise end up dead so soon? Because it really wasn't taken care of very well. It takes good plot structure to pull off a premise, and that was unfortunately not being done.
The book didn't seem so sure what to do with itself. It was as though it tried to be in more than one place at the same time. The fact that there was such a big mix of events that took up too much space and stalled far too long for the plot was what made the book such a confusing mess. It might have promised some action and fantasy, but before that, let's have some romance here, some brooding here, some whining there, and OH! LOVE TRIANGLE! and random evil here, now they're dating, now her best friend is jealous, etc. The blurb promised a lot of fantasy, a kidnapping of a close friend and the race to save said close friend, but that plot wasn't even met halfway through the book. Before that we have Donna whining about having magic powers and beautiful markings on her arms and meeting Xan who broods a little and has scars on his back and Donna's best friend is jealous of Xan, and then stuff happens. I can understand wanting to have some events leading up to the promised plot points, however taking up more than half a book and still not meeting the promised plot is wasted space and a waste of time.
Besides wasting space with it's random sequences of unimportant events, the plot structure felt more like a pressed-for-time ramble rather than a story. I mean, in the first 14 pages Donna bitches, randomly shoves rants on magic in there, then bitches some more, goes to a party with her friend, then meets a hit guy whom she feels intrigued by. 14 FUCKING PAGES! “Oh woe is me. I have magic powers by the way. Oh, and I have magic scars on my arms. Woe is me. And everyone hates me. My friend is nice. Woe is me. He dragged me to a party full of people that hate me, by the way. I’m sad. Oh, there’s a guy. He’s hot.”
Also, what was up with the random switches to Donna's diary in first person? The book is told from THIRD person. And it already delves deep enough into Donna's (lack of) mind. Why do we need the diary? You can include diary entries from, let’s say a secondary character with a mystery for example, but when you’re showing us excerpts from the diary of the main character, who the story is centered on and whose diary doesn’t delve into anything deeper than what third person has presented us with in this book, it doesn’t work well.
The writing in this book was messy and borderline ridiculous. The descriptions were silly, unoriginal and repetitive as hell. How many times have I have to read about eyes sliding or looks flashing? I think I counted at least more than ten times for each. Just say 'he looked' or 'she looked' once in a while. You don't need to make a simple look sound fancy-ass. And there was too much description that we didn't need. Why should I care if Navin’s usual position is a slouch? Besides, everyone slouches on a bean bag chair. And why should I care if Navin watches Charmed for the hot chicks? Get ON WITH IT. Also some of the descriptions were down-right hilarious. This particular description made me laugh out loud:
“I’ll call you,” he threw over his shoulder.
HOW CAN YOU THROW A SENTENCE OVER YOUR SHOULDER?? I mean I know the guy has magic powers but HUH??
“Sorry I’m late” His voice was breathless, as though he had been hurrying. Oh I’m sorry, I couldn’t register that he was in a hurry from the fact that he apologized for being late and being breathless at the same time.
Now onto the... characters...
Donna is someone I'd very much like to punch. She has something that every girl who grew up watching Sailor Moon and Charmed wishes they had: magic powers. And what does she do? Bitches. So what if you're different? YOU HAVE MAGIC POWERS. You can do so much! You have so much freedom to do really awesome stuff! And she never really explains why her magic powers are so terrible. Oh right, apparently because it makes her 'different'. So? You have magic powers!!!
And also, why is Donna so desperate to fit in? Everyone treats her like shit except for Navin, and yet she still wants to fit in. Why? Why does she want to fit in with a bunch of people that are shallow enough to pick on someone because they have pretty scars? And also, these people are the lamest bullies on the planet with the worst insults. How can she be sad instead of laughing her ass off at them?
Speaking of scars, her whole issue with her scars is downright offensive. Her scars are beautiful, 'intricate' patters with occasional silver. That's nothing you hide, that's something you show off proudly. In real life you'd have people flocking around you going 'Holy shit, where did you get that done?' and not 'Oh my gawd you freak, you have like, pretty markings. We don't like you anymore.' Let me tell you something Donna: Thanks to my fucked up hormones, I have a skin condition on my back that is only common in teenage males. In other words one patch on my upper back is a much darker shade of skin covered in thick black hair. In further other words, I have partially a man's back. Now THAT'S something I can't show in public. THAT'S something I have the right to be embarrassed about. If instead of my patch of male back I had pretty intricate patterns I'd show it off when I can get the chance. Because it's something that isn't looked upon as disgusting. Your scars are PRETTY TATTOOS, not freaking self inflicted cuts or burns or A MALE'S BACK.
And what in the heck was up with Navin? "Oh hai Donna. I'm your best friend and I know that everyone hates you and I feel your pain girl. Oh by the way, the people who hate you are throwing a party and I'm invited and you're coming with me even though it would be an incredibly awkward and depressing situation but anyway, I'd get my image boosted so it's all good. OH! I see you have a potential boyfriend. OH! I see you have secrets. I'm going to start stalking you now. Kaythanksbye." Let's just say I'm glad he gets kidnapped. I hope the creep stays kidnapped.
I don't have much to say for Xan other than the fact that I'm impressed with his apparent ability to throw sentences at people. Other than that he was very boring and tepid.
I didn't finish this book because I no longer gave a damn about it. The structure was a mess, and the writing made the whole experience even more unbearable. It's also extremely unoriginal, just like it's fellow YA paranormal romance cousins. Nothing we haven't seen before, and nothing that ever seems to be done well anymore. ...more
Evernight is set in a very Vampire Knight setting, and is about a girl who is secretly a vampire (yeah right) who falls in love with a boring, uninterEvernight is set in a very Vampire Knight setting, and is about a girl who is secretly a vampire (yeah right) who falls in love with a boring, uninteresting, controlling Romeo-wannabe and that's it.
Yes, that's it. There is no plot other than that.
This book managed to meet all of my expectations: It blew.
Now some of you may ask me why I bothered reading a book that I knew I wouldn’t like, right? Well the answer is simple: I’m a masochist. I’m somebody who faps over how terrible books are, and who enjoys bitching about them later on and warning people about how terrible this book really is.
The so called romance was of course once again bland, not to mention disgusting. Bianca has ONE conversation with Lucas about running away and changing her mind and soon after begins to gush over him because he’s so handsome and pretty and bla bla fucking bla. Bianca and Lucas have nothing in common, neither of them have personalities (Oh wait, they are both clichéd and love old movies and books because the author tried to make her teens unique just like any other YA author these days. You’re not fooling anybody, kids!), and both have no reason to love each other than the fact that Bianca is pretty and Lucas is hot.
Lucas is a lame asshole who apparently thinks he has the right to decide what’s good and what isn’t for Bianca. You do not stalk a girl because you think she can’t realize when she is in danger and when she isn’t, and you don’t treat her like she’s your property. You do not think you know better than her and the people who raised her, and you don't insult her family when you don't know squat about them. You do not 'protect' her from her own friends, and when she tells you she's okay, she's not too stupid to realize she isn't. Because believe it or not, she's actually right for once.
And the funny thing is, Bianca actually manages to realize that he is doing said things. She actually tells him ‘Look, don’t be so protective, just be there.’ which was a surprise. I didn’t expect that much brains from Bianca. But her whole lust for Lucas made no sense.
And of course like all good YA romances we have the third love interest hunk guy who is just there to be the other love interest, and his name is BALTHAZAR. And guess what? He's another surfer dude. But, like Jacob from Twilight and Tony from Infinite days, he was a nice guy. Annoying sometimes and devoid of unique characteristics, but nice. He was someone who deserved to be the main love interest. He was kind, treated Bianca with nothing but respect, and was never cruel to her. But Bianca for some reason doesn’t deem him worthy enough to make out with. But Bianca just uses him as a rebound for Lucas when she and Lucas have a sort of falling out, which was disgusting of her. Also he kinda disappeared for a long time. I don't remember why. I guess Claudia Gray lost interest in him.
Now Bianca wasn't the worst YA heroine I have ever had to be in the mind of. Yes, she is stupid and needy and whiny and judgmental. But she doesn't find the controlling things that Lucas does romantic at all. She also doesn't view sex as sinful or terrible, which was also a surprise. But even those pros about her character aren't enough to make her likable or even a good character. She's still just a one dimensional silly little girl. In fact, a box of tissues has more complexity than any of these characters.
A lot of the book felt as though the author didn't bother thinking through any of her characters, or even the story itself. It was as though she just went 'Okay, uh... shit, uhm... Bianca is like... oh Lucas! She's gonna be in love with Lucas. He's gonna be nice and... uh oh, they fight later on! Yes they do! Okay, uhm... more drama. Oh, random surfer guy! I just loved Evermore's surfer guy character! Alright, in he goes! Uhm... so like, Bianca is in love with Lucas... uh... conflict! Bianca is, like a vampire... and... uh... Lucas.... doesn't like that... but everything is okay later!' and it just tends to continue like that. The plot is only focused on the drama of the so called 'love' story. Everything else is sort of thrown in randomly to the point that I just couldn't care anymore.
As for the plot twists, they blew harder. They were so ridiculous. Maybe it would have helped if the vampires were ACTUALLY VAMPIRES. But like every other YA vampire book, this author didn't bother doing anything with vampires or even doing the slightest bit of research. Bianca is a vampire. Ooooh dramatic.
And don't bitch at me for not censoring spoilers. You know why I didn't? Well, let me tell you something about the series. The publishers of Evernight and the sequels are not the brightest bulbs when it comes to marketing strategies. What am I talking about, you say? I'll tell you:
EVERY BLURB OF EVERY EVERNIGHT BOOK REVEALS WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS BOOK. ALL THE PLOT TWISTS ARE ALREADY REVEALED ON THE BLURB OF THE NEXT BOOK.
I already knew Bianca was a vampire and that Lucas was a vampire hunter before I read this because I heard of the blurb of the second book. Yeah, not very clever of the author or the publishers. But even without that the plot twists would have been ineffective. They were just so silly and not at all developed. Drama because of the revelation doesn't count as development.
Evernight, despite the fact that it didn't suffer from as many flaws as so many other YA books out there, is still just a tacky, overly-dramatic teen angst story thrown into a school of vampire pussies that glorifies stupid teen lust as being true wuv. There is nothing original about the concept. It's pretty much a Twilighted version of Vampire Knight, which is basically about the same thing, except done by an author who knew how to research and actually develop her characters and vampires.
And yes, I do unfortunately own a copy of the book. But it was only 2 dollars down at a local Vinnies store, and I hate reading books online. But Evernight wont get a spot in my bookshelf. Ever. It doesn't even deserve a spot in my bookshelf. But it does make a good coaster for my drink. ...more
EDIT: 16/9/2012 I edited this review just a bit. It's an old review but I think I could have worded some things a little better.
There were many ParanoEDIT: 16/9/2012 I edited this review just a bit. It's an old review but I think I could have worded some things a little better.
There were many Paranormal YA series where I couldn't possibly continue reading after the first book, but the Hush, Hush series is special. Despite the fact that yes, it is merely another abuse-glorifying panty-wetter, the unintentional hilarity just makes the books so much fun to read (in a twisted masochistic kinda way).
Crescendo is like a bright shining star of heaven compared to Hush, hush, because Crescendo gave me a favourite character, who is none other than Marcie Miller, the bitch who's out to get Nora. And anyone who's out to get Nora is a pal of mine. I also give Crescendo props for giving me an ending that assured some much needed ass kicking of Nora and Patch. I mean come on, apparently Patch doesn't screw Nora up enough, we may as well give them a run for their money big time, right? After dragging myself through that bullshit of a book, that ending actually made me very, very happy.
But other than that, this book was still pretty freaking bad. Though not as unbearable to read as the first 'book', it was still a flaming piece of shit.
I will give everyone a big piece of advice, and I must insist that you take it: DO NOT GET LOVE ADVICE FROM THIS BOOK.
Crescendo teaches girls that if their boyfriend doesn't have a 24/7 arousal in his meat-sword as soon as he catches sight of her, it OBVIOUSLY must mean that he doesn't love her. Nora dumps Patch for this reason. I kid you not. Nora breaks up with Patch because she claims 'he doesn't feel it when she kisses him' even though Patch says it affects him emotionally (also he kinda can't 'feel it' because lust is a sin according to God, so it would get him in big doggy doo). But that apparently isn't enough for her so in a matter of ten seconds she conveniently compiles a list of all the things that she can't do with Patch around and dumps him (a list of differences which are never brought up again later in the story).
Not too bad so far, right? I mean yeah, she's a twat who's missing at least three quarters of her brain, but at least she's rid of that douche bag, right? RIGHT?
Not really. He's still there. We still have to read about him.
After she dumps him she spends 80% having a tantrum about the break-up and oh how she misses him and oh how she hates him, but misses him, but hates him, and so on. And of course, like any moron missing most of their brain, she claims she should NEVUR have broken up with Patch because he's just so... darn... special. Well my darling dearest, if you don't want to dump him, then STOP dumping him! Just save us the pain from being dragged around your angst for 100 fucking pages and run on back to your potential rapist. See if we care if you end up dead in the forest with a cactus in your anus.
I also couldn't help but notice that Becca Fitzpatrick seems to have had a change of heart about how she was going to write Patch in this book. Because for most of it she made Patch out to look like the top bastard of the bastard-Mafia and we should all feel sorry for Nora because she's being 'used and cheated on'. Well, where in the name of buggery was all of this in the first fucking book, when Patch really was the bastard of Scumville who sexually harassed her, intimidated her, emotionally and mentally AND sexually abused her? But in Becca-Fitzpatrickland, the worst thing Patch ever did to Nora was kissing Marcie. This is why no one takes you seriously, Fitzpatrick. Absolutely no one.
You thought Edward Cullen was a creep, watching Bella sleep? Patch invades Nora's dreams when they've broken up for the fifteenth time to make-out with her. What a swell guy, amirite? Even Nora found it wrong. That's gotta say something. If Nora, and I do stress that I am talking about NORA, finds Patch's behaviour alarming, THAT'S ONE FUCK OF AN INDICATOR THAT THERE IS SOMETHING NOT RIGHT. He also purposely walks in on a make-out session between her and Scott -cough- or Jacob -cough cough- and punches the poor bastard square in the face despite Nora screaming at the top of her lungs. Also, keeping her 'father's' ring when she asked for it back after the breakup? Not cool. She may have broken up with you for stupid reasons, but you don't keep her dead father's ring when you're not the person she is closest to anymore.
As mentioned before, I liked Marcie. Marcie was the only thing keeping me sane throughout the whole book. As I said in my review of Hush, hush, I support anyone tormenting Nora. I thought she was quite a badass, though it did piss me off that she was called a 'ho'. Just because she isn't afraid to express her sexuality, it doesn't make her a 'ho'. But that's another story.
I didn't care much for Scott. He was obviously the typical third-wheel Jacob of this New moon copy, the guy who the girl uses to get back at the guy she is actually in love with. Though he had some interesting aspects to him, the fact that he was just the typical third wheel love interest prevented him from achieving both uniqueness and greatness. Also he just seemed like a recycled Elliot from the first book.
Nora just wont stop being whiny and stupid. Plus, she stalks another guy. And she breaks into other people's homes and steals other people's stuff. How she is not already in a straight-jacket is beyond me. And as usual, she is also a hypocrite and one hell of a parasite. She uses Scott to get back at Patch and dares to preach how she is committed to a relationship when she is the one running from a relationship at the first signs of trouble. She manages to avoid serious jail time, and also somehow gets guys left, right and centre. Oh what a strange universe this is.
But whatever, I honestly didn't care about her and Patch breaking up. The two are terrible for each other anyway. Nora can't live with him or without him, and Patch is psycho when she's around and when she isn't. Just move one to a different planet from the other and let them find someone else. If Nora had to end up with someone, it should have been Vee. Though Vee isn't that much smarter than Nora, the two mirror each other perfectly. They share the same insanity, interests, and stupidity. Together, they could make history. Plus that would have been hilarious to see.
I would also like to point out that the archangels are stupid. Okay, like I said before, love and lust are totally mixed up in this book. It makes no sense that angels get sent to hell for falling in love with humans. 'Consorting with mortals' does not mean falling in love with mortals, it means wanting to have sex with mortals. I don't believe in God or Jesus or even angels, but I don't expect either of them to think of love as being a sin (if you're straight). I know lust is, apparently, and okay. Let's consider that. I mean, technically the archangels in this book consider lust a sin and something you get sent to hell for. Yet there are so many moments that they don't seem to notice. Patch gets away with making out with Nora, sexually harassing her in the first book, and even getting hit on by Marcie. But the archangels still continue to sit up there, twiddling their thumbs, act all threatening and 'wait for Patch to slip up'. Please. If Patch can get away with shit like that, he wouldn't have a problem with getting it on with Nora, therefore he wouldn't even have a problem and they can both live happily ever after, bla bla bla.
The plot was mostly about Nora bitching about not being with Patch while some random drama occurs. The plot twists felt very soap opera-ish to me. Therefore they didn't affect me at all. They were more funny than shocking. But the again Becca fails at shock value and plot twists. In fact she fails at drawing any emotion out of the reader. Her writing is very noobish, with weird descriptions to over dramatic expressions of sorrow and love. They made me want to gag. Like Hush, hush, this book tried but failed to make me feel anything for it other than disgust and the occasional laughs (and not the good kind). I didn't care for anything that happened in this book. ...more
This is a book that should not have gotten past publishers. It has every mistake a writer can make when writing a book,Everything in this book fails.
This is a book that should not have gotten past publishers. It has every mistake a writer can make when writing a book, and for some reason they are left unfixed. Mary-sue and Gary-stu characters, extreme purple prose rape, one dimensional characters, CLICHES, bad grammar and general writing and NO PLOT (certainly no structure for one either).
Oh wait, apparently the plot is meant to be this plain and ordinary girl (cliche) falling in love with this gorgeous hunk (cliche) who is also a vampire (HA!) who has nothing in common with her other than an angsty obsession. So they fall in love in like a minute and live happily ever after (cliche). Oh wait, there is conflict. Vampires come to join other vampires PLAYING BASEBALL and want to kill plain and ordinary girl (cliche) and hunky vampire (HA!) comes and saves the day (cliche).
This is just the kind of stuff you find on fanfiction.net. I have read Beyblade fanfics by thirteen year old girls with extreme crushes on Kai Hiwatari who have written stories that went along the same lines as Twishite did.
And don't give me that 'But it's popular! That MUST mean it's good!' crap. The only reason that this book is so popular is because it feeds the fantasies of teenage girls who are desperate as hell for their 'one true wuv who will dedicate their whole life to them and is like hot and chiseled and sensitive as hell and whispers Shakespeare in her ear every ten seconds and will never have sex with them and make them the center of his universe. It's called a marketing strategy. Nothing else. Desperate tweenies will buy this kind of stuff and choke it down and buy more crap and choke it down. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This book sucked. Stop glorifying this noob rubbish. Hell, Stephenie Meyer doesn't even like you, twitards. She treats you guys like you don't lick her boots properly. ...more
I know that constant cussing makes a critical review look immature and unintelligent... but you know what? FUCK that. A disgusting, awful, jackass-gloI know that constant cussing makes a critical review look immature and unintelligent... but you know what? FUCK that. A disgusting, awful, jackass-glorifying book like this deserves to be cussed out, especially after I sat through most of it.
And I'm going to cuss this book out, in the style of the 'Fuck you' speech from 25th hour. And I don't care how stupid my review is going to look.
FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING BOOK.
Fuck this book, with writing and plot that is so dry that you literally feel dehydrated reading it. And what was the plot? NOTHING was the plot. Nothing happened. Nothing fucking happened. It was just Luce being a masochist and enjoying being treated like crap by Daniel, while she complained that another guy she was fooling around with wasn't good enough for her because he wasn't a jackass like Daniel.
Fuck Luce, that cheap copy of Nora from Hush, hush and Bella Swan. No personality, no interests outside assholes, plus she seems to be completely okay with men who treat her like shit. Because nice guys just don't cut it: they have to flip her off for her to gain interest. They have to try to control her life when they barely know her, they have to stalk her, be an asshole to her, and make-out with her in the aftermath of telling her to shut up. Nope, the angry assholes are the sexiest apparently. She goes through most of the book complaining about how much she loves Daniel when all he does is treat her like shit. But when she starts to actually think about that fact all Daniel has to do is 'kiss her roughly' and all is forgotten.
Fuck Daniel. Daniel was nothing more than a goddamn asshole. That guy is NOT romantic. That guy is a manipulative, stuck-up, selfish, ungrateful asshole who deserves to be fucking castrated. And fuck anyone who thinks he is romantic and that his actions and behaviour are all justifiable. You also deserve to be fucking castrated. Do you honestly think it's romantic for a guy to flip you off? Do you think it's romantic for a guy to decide who you should date, who you should hang out with, what school you should go to, and where you go in general? Do you think it's romantic for a guy to tell you to shut up after you try to prove him wrong for thinking you are stupid? And do you think it's okay for him to just be able to kiss you to make you forget? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you need to see a psychiatrist. No joke, go and get a psychiatrist. Because men like that are not romantic. What's wrong with a normal guy who treats you like an equal, with nothing but respect and kindness? Oh that's right, he's not a douche bag who wants to control your life. I'm sorry, how dare I forget? Also, WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT HOW AWESOME HE IS AT FUCKING JUMP ROPING???
Fuck this book, which has more similarities to Hush, hush than it does Twilight, by the way. Here we have competition between Daniel and Patch for who gets to be the bigger asshole, the stupid girl who enjoys men who treat her like shit and does GOOGLE SEARCHES on them. And random shit happening until the end where random drama and fallen angel shit is thrown in that no one will care for anymore at that point. I couldn't finish this because the slow pace, the dryness and the stupidity in this book drove me insane. When I closed this book I literally shouted 'FUCK YOU' at it.
And fuck the person who made the cover, not even bothering to give credit to the original model, who had to find out her face was being used when she saw the book in the bookstore. Who knows how to use stock properly? -raises hand- When you use stock you HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT TO THE ORIGINAL ARTIST AND/OR MODEL OF THAT STOCK. IF YOU DON'T AND DO NOT ASK THE MODEL FOR CONSENT, YOU ARE STEALING.
Fuck this fucking piece of disgusting literature. I'm sick of seeing abusive romance being glorified as the one true romance. And I'm sick of seeing women in real life using these books as inspiration.
ASSHOLES ARE NOT ROMANTIC. IF A GUY FLIPS YOU OFF, TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF. AFTER THAT, MOVE ON AND GO FIND A NICE GUY. ...more
Okay, if it weren't for the excellently researched vampire mythology, this book would have gotten a flat out one star. But because this author obviousOkay, if it weren't for the excellently researched vampire mythology, this book would have gotten a flat out one star. But because this author obviously did research I decided to be nice in at least one area. But well researched vampires aside, this book was shallow. Really shallow, and that's sad because the idea would have worked so well if the author didn't use Twilight as a source material.
Lenah was meant to be like... 590 something? Yeah right. Mentally she was at least fourteen. I could see the author tried to make her sound ancient in several bits, but just because she calls something 'curious' it doesn't mean that all of a sudden she's ancient and wise. Nope, the random bits of 'old people speak to make her look old and wise' were completely out of place, especially since it was shoved into a sentence of teenage thought. Lenah remains emotionally and mentally stuck in the sixteen year old teenage mindset for more than five hundred goddamn years. I don't know if the author intended it to be this way, but it makes her less interesting and takes away complications of being a 590 year old woman trapped in a teenagers body, which would have been really interesting to see. Sure the vampire suddenly a human again concept was interesting too, but Lenah got used to being a human too quickly, considering how long she's been a vampire compared to how long she's been a human (also a human in a completely different period) Also you'd think she'd have matured over a period of several centuries, but nope. And it's not like it can't be done, heck anyone who's read Interview with the Vampire would know Claudia, and Claudia was a 30 year old woman stuck in a five year old's body. But the thing is she DID act like an adult woman. So it can be done. She didn't mentally remain a five year old kid.
Lenah was boring, except when she was a vampire. As a vampire she was kickass. But as a human she's just shallow and annoying. One part that really made me facepalm was the whole 100 year burial thing. It was meant to hide her, or something, but then AFTER she was released and turned into a human they had the moment of 'wait a minute, the fledgling is going to come and look for me, the coven is going to know and come after me'. What a waste of fucking time and braincells!! If Rhode was going to do that, why not, say, CLAIM to have buried Lenah for... a thousand years, and the next night turn Lenah into a human, so that by the time the coven finds out she's missing Lenah will be long dead and would have managed to live a peaceful human life without the coven looking for her. Dawkins almighty.
The romance, or lack thereof, was sooooo shallow. I know I tend to repeat the word 'shallow' quite often in this review, but it's for a reason. Anyway, SHALLOW. Another reviewer Kim described their 'relationship' as 'you're hot, I'm hot, let's hook up in the greenhouse' and that's exactly how that was. Justin had little to no personality and no interests outside of sports or whatever and checking out Lenah. Plus he reeked of potential rapist vibes, practically stalking Lenah and appearing randomly. And the day after they get together, she's already meeting his mum, almost getting laid, and he's like 'we're gonna be together forever'. Why? I dunno. And why is he attracted to Lenah? I dunno, cuz she's hot. Why is Lenah attracted to Justin? Cuz he's hot. That's all. -shrugs- Tony would have made a better love interest damn it. He was my favourite thing in the book. He was a good, sweet guy with a damn personality. Then again Twilight was used as a source material, therefore we cannot have the nice, normal guy as the love interest. Nu uh, remember kids, if he's hot and popular, he's the one.
I do not care to go on with this book. I have lost all feeling for it. It's a shame, it really did have potential. And the author did a great job with vampire characteristics. Like, a really good job. The vampire flashback stories in general were really good. But... oh goodness... so... GUH. I'll probably end up donating this to the library or something... maybe someone will pick it up and like it and my precious 15 bucks wouldn't have gone to waste entirely......more
I really don't have a lot to say about this book, since I couldn't finish it. I tried to though. I desperately tried to. Even skipping chapters didn'tI really don't have a lot to say about this book, since I couldn't finish it. I tried to though. I desperately tried to. Even skipping chapters didn't help. Now mind you, I read a lot, and I never skip pages or chapters in books, because I don't dare to miss anything. And this was one of the two first books which made me do that, and that is never a good sign.
The Host was awfully written. The writing was full of prose rape and redundancy. For fucks sake Meyer, learn how to write English properly. You're 35 years old and me, a fucking teenager, can write in better English than you. The plot itself is pretty boring. Nothing was happening, which is what made it difficult for me to continue reading this book. And my friend who liked the Host was like "No no no keep reading! Here, go to this chapter, here stuff starts happening!" And so I took her word for it, and read. And read. And read. And what did I get for a plot? One whole fucking page (front and back) about deciding whether or not to sleep on the couch or the bed. I just closed the book, returned it to the library, and am never picking it back up again. This woman seriously needs an editor. ...more
(Warning: this review contains insults, passionate hatred, inappropriate jokes and not very nice things about this book. You have been warned.)
Hush, h(Warning: this review contains insults, passionate hatred, inappropriate jokes and not very nice things about this book. You have been warned.)
Hush, hush by Becca FAILSpatrick is the stupidest book I have ever read. The most horrifying Twilight rip-off I've ever seen on a bookshelf. Horrifying because of the glorified BAD, fucking ABUSIVE romance.
The characters were all idiots. Especially Nora. Nora is the kind of character that wouldn't be able to tell that yes, it might be a bad thing if you put a fork in a toaster. Even though Patch was a dick to her, mocked her and put her down constantly, harassed her and even plotted to kill her and was totally fine with doing so at some point, she was still like "zomg he's so hawt". That was all she could think about.
She knows he's dangerous, she knows he's a dick, but she pursues him because she's too busy being a needy little lust-crazed idiot to notice she's not walking into My little Pony land, but into the Killer-necrophiliac-rapist club. And no, no matter how long you spend in the Killer-necrophiliac-rapist club, the Killer-necrophiliac-rapists are not going to stop being dangerous mofos and no they will not turn into pink unicorns and do a precious little pony dance for you just because you happened to walk into their room.
They are DANGEROUS.
And Patch is dangerous; he wants to kill you, he is a jerk to you, he fucking harasses you in pretty much sexually and mentally, so just go find someone else who doesn't treat you like shit. It's not goddamn rocket science. Just grow a goddamn brain and use SENSE. Stop being the embodiment of anti-feminism in its truest form. Gosh, Nora makes Bella Swan look like a member of the Guerrilla Girls in comparison.
Why do girls find this guy romantic? I want to know. I really want to know, because honestly, and I'm sorry to say, if you find any of the things Patch does to Nora romantic; the constant insulting her, the harassing her physically, mentally, emotionally, the plotting and being totally okay with killing her for most of the book, you are either into serious S&M or there is something broken in your brain. And that is my honest opinion, whether you agree, like or not. Because assholes are not romantic. I don't care about how hot they are or their spontaneous moments of niceness, because they still act like assholes.
And I want to know what the author, Becca Shitspatrick, was thinking when she wrote this. I really do want to know. How can she sit there and write a character like Patch to be an ideal love interest? What the fuck is wrong with her? Does she gush over him too like Stephenie Meyer does over Edward? Does she fantasize about Patch harassing her too? I wouldn't be surprised if Nora, like Bella, was a self insert of the author. If that's the case, if I ever happen to meet Fitzpatrick, I'm going to punch her in the face. This woman should not be writing books or even raising kids.
-insert deep breath here-
Patch was actually not a terrible character. He was fun because he was a total psychopathic dickhead, plus I root for anyone being a dickhead to Nora and plotting to kill her. The parts were he was suddenly all romantic were out of place and OOC. He is not a romantic person. I don't just mean that because of my previous point of the things he does not being romantic, I mean because of his overall personality he is not a romantic type of person when you think about it. It doesn't make sense. His so called 'romantic moments', if they were meant to be there, look like they would serve to tighten the leash around Nora's neck.
It was obvious the author, like many others, was typing her book with one hand and holding her sticky copy of Twilight in the other, because she ended up successfully creating yet another rip-off of Twilight, and Edward. Although this time not as humble and not as reserved in his douchebagery. I'm going to quietly ignore the romantic bits, because they were not Patch's character. Those bits were moments of the author realizing that she quickly needs to read and insert a moment of Edward Cullen into her story before it's too late and she has a totally different character from whom she originally intended to plagiarize from.
The plot was dull and therefore lacked in the ability to make me feel any empathy for what was going on. It tried by using twists several times, but no. Nothing. No care and no interest. The majority of the book is basically just about a stupid girl stalking a potential killer because she wouldn't mind riding his 'killer'. ...more
This was how the book started. The first two pages literally went like this:
Tweeny 1: "ZOMG like -insert some teeny bs gossip here-"
Tweeny 2: "ZOMG liThis was how the book started. The first two pages literally went like this:
Tweeny 1: "ZOMG like -insert some teeny bs gossip here-"
Tweeny 2: "ZOMG like no! -more teeny gossip and more OMGs-"
Tweeny 1: "ZOMG like yeah."
All of a sudden some macho vamp guy stands in the hallway, points at teeny no #1 and is like "ZOEY YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN A BOOK THAT IS SO NOT TRYING TO BE LIKE TWILIGHT BUT YEAH YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN."
Then they're like "ZOMG YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN."
Tweeny 1: "SNAP. I have been chosen."
Tweeny 2: "SNAP AND ZOMG YOU'RE A FREAK NOW I'M OUT OF HERE."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the worst book I have ever read starts off. Worse than Twilight, worse than Hush, hush, and worse than Evermore (almost). This book was just one big melodramatic teen angsty bitch fit. With vampyres. And stereotypes. And a sexy hunk. And a Queen Bee arch rival. And a blowjob. And of course the main character is a complete Mary sue, once again.
I first read this just as a laugh, because sometimes I want to read bad books for the lolz. But what was at first fun to make fun of then turned horrifically bad, and eventually so intolerable that I had to close it halfway. As soon as Zoey was in love with Shakespeare vampire hunk, (sorry, vampYre) I just couldn't handle further stupidity. I could not believe this was written by two adults. This was like fanfiction. I have seen fanfiction which went along pretty much the same basis as this book. Heck I have seen fanfiction which was BETTER WRITTEN and BETTER OVERALL than this book.
Zoey was absolutely frustrating and so easy to hate. That's horridly inconvenient since she's the main character, and we're being told this 'story' from her perspective. She whines and complains about EVERYTHING, and is an obvious attempt at a parody of a teenager by these two idiots of women authors. A pin would fall to the ground and immediately her life is oooooverrrrrr. Also according to Zoey, if you don't nail your underwear and your bra to your body and if you don't remain virginal in any way shape or form, whether it's kissing a guy or wearing a certain amount of make up or style of clothing, you're a total slut. Woooow. Zo, just because you're a goddamn prude it doesn't mean everyone else should be, and you shouldn't try to lecture your female readers on their sexuality. Just because you're ashamed of sexuality, it doesn't mean that's a good thing because you happened to be a main character. Also it's pretty obvious you're jealous you yourself can't be that proud.
Zoey's friends were all painful stereotypes. Especially her girl friend... what's her name again... I don't know. My mind shut her out because she was too damn annoying. Oh wait... Steve or something. -coughs- anyway, yeah. That chick was an obvious out there comic-relief and completely uncalled for. Every time she said anything I wanted to punch her. I didn't care much for her gay friend either. He was just a cliched gay. And no, I don't have anything against homosexuals. That would be awfully hypocritical since I'm a very out of the closet homosexual myself. But this guy was boring and cliched. Then there's the queen Bee arch rival. -yawn- Oh here's something I haven't seen before... Oh and Zoey falls in love with some vampire guy after he reads a speech from Shakespeare in his sexy vampire hunk voice. So within two seconds, Zoey is in love. True love, yada yada, he's the one, he's so hot, all her friends support her love, bla bla bla, gush gush gush. Then I closed the book.
What a piece of overrated, stinky, shitty tripe. The writing was ridiculous, all the characters were boring and annoying and cliched to death, and the overall plot was pulled out of both authors nailed shut asshole. It was ridiculous. The whole book was bloody ridiculous. What on earth was I reading? -shudder- I can't believe this book was published, let alone so well received. And don't give me that 'it's an amazing booooooook and you're just jealooooousssss' crap. Please. It's an awful excuse for a book and I would rather watch 2 girls 1 cup again (from the beginning to the end this time) than have Marked by P.C Crap and Kristin Crap sitting on my shelf. ...more
People always say that the book is always better than the movie. Well, with Audition's case this is not true. I loved the movie, I absolutely loved itPeople always say that the book is always better than the movie. Well, with Audition's case this is not true. I loved the movie, I absolutely loved it. I loved the pacing, the twists and turns it took not just on Asami, but on Ayoama as well. The book was a lot slower and it seemed like it was just a drama. And unlike the movie this slow pace wasn't effectively used to deliver that second half of horror. In fact in the second half of this book the drama still continued on, and on, until the final fifty or so pages where the horror finally began. It wasn't as interesting as the movie and it certainly wasn't better. Still good, but not as much premise. ...more
We had to read this book for Year 12 Advanced English, and I didn't think much of it at first, but I ended up enjoying it. It's actually not that bad.We had to read this book for Year 12 Advanced English, and I didn't think much of it at first, but I ended up enjoying it. It's actually not that bad. I liked the several concepts and ideas in this story, and I honestly don't like it for what's in the lines, but rather what is in between the lines. This is also NOT a love story, and I have no idea why some people call it that. The love is too materialistic, so much that the characters themselves don't even see it. But it's meant to be that way. ...more