When Roger Rosenblatt's daughter, Amy Rosenblatt Solomon, died at 38, Roger and wife Ginny moved into the "mother-in-law's suite" of Harrison Solomon'...moreWhen Roger Rosenblatt's daughter, Amy Rosenblatt Solomon, died at 38, Roger and wife Ginny moved into the "mother-in-law's suite" of Harrison Solomon's house to help care for and provide loving continuity for the kids. Making Toast is an account of that period.
I came to know of Roger Rosenblatt through his essays on The MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour on PBS. Now, I was curious as to how the Rosenblatts' lives changed with this new role, how they adjusted, what they did every day, how they envisioned the future, and many other questions relating to their new circumstance.
Reading this account, I was moved to tears at times, but also laughed at Roger's portrayal of himself as a humble, bumbling servant of the youngest child, a toddler. I identified with his role as grandparent-anthropologist, as he learned the culture of child-rearing all over again in the new millennium. What do they like to eat, read, watch on TV? What games to they play? What are their toys? Who are their heroes? What is a school day like for the elder two? As a childcare-providing grandparent myself, I identified with the loss of easy-breezy retirement time in service to the greater good.
This book was recommended to me as one I might include on my Midlife Fiction page on Facebook, (www.Facebook.com/Midlife.Fiction) because it illuminates the experience of navigating the second half of life. I've enjoyed Roger Rosenblatt's writing for many years, and this is no exception, although it feels insensitive to celebrate a book - however good! - that is born of such grief and trauma. My condolences and best wishes to the family.(less)
As I read Lean In, I was intrigued at being able to get inside the head of a dynamic, smart woman who is one generation younger than me, and see the c...moreAs I read Lean In, I was intrigued at being able to get inside the head of a dynamic, smart woman who is one generation younger than me, and see the corporate world through her eyes. One of the cultural questions she answered for me was this: why are younger women so averse to the terms "feminist" and "feminism"? Apparently, Sheryl Sanders and her contemporaries believe(d) the following:
1. Equality having arrived, there's no need for feminism anymore 2. Feminists are man-haters who resist makeup and the shaving of one's legs
Okay, #2 was a bit tongue-in-cheek. However, having observed conditions in the real world for a few years now, Sanders has come to see that the playing field is not and will not be level until more women occupy positions of power in the corporate hierarchy. She doesn't suggest that this is due to any malicious intent on the part of men, but rather it's simply a matter of ignorance.
To illustrate, she describes having to park far away from her office door when hugely and uncomfortably pregnant. When she designated preferred parking spots to accommodate pregnant workers, no one complained. It was seen as logical. But prior to her taking her place in the C-suite, the issue hadn't been raised.
Sanders talks about not slowing down out of consideration for what might happen in the nebulous future. The example she gives, now famous, is of a young woman confiding her fears of not wanting to accept a job with a lot of responsibility due to the impact it might have on her family. The woman was planning ahead - she didn't even have a boyfriend yet.
With this example, Sanders makes the point that women, having been highly trained and educated, are waving off promotional opportunities. The jury is still out as to why, but she suggests, and I agree, that part of the reason is this: in corporate America, a woman's decision to go through pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, and child-rearing is viewed as a private matter that should not impact her ability to work long hours and irregular schedules, including lengthy and frequent travel as needed. Rightly fearing this may drive her insane, a woman who wants a family may leap off the corporate ladder at a very early stage.
Sanders argues that if a young woman stayed on it long enough to secure a more powerful position, she would be able to exert more control over her work life (a perspective the young woman must trust will happen, since at her current low place on the corporate ladder she can only see her lack of power and control.) After a few promotions, she will be able to delegate some of her work to subordinates, afford more help at home, and influence workplace policies that unfairly impact women and families. Who can find fault with this argument?
Sanders is honest about her own mistakes, and I found that charming. For example, I was amazed that, for all her intelligence and education, she didn't originally intend to negotiate her starting salary with Facebook. Luckily a nice man (her husband) set her straight, and she made a counter offer to Zuckerberg. Reams of guidance have been written about how this error could have impeded her in later years, both at Facebook and with future employers, yet she didn't know. For other women who have not yet made this horrifying discovery, please read Ask for It by Babcock and Laschever (http://www.amazon.com/Ask-Women-Power...) which in addition to being enlightening and entertaining, offers tons of strategies for preparing yourself to negotiate. And not just for salaries. After reading that book I saved $150 on furniture I was going to buy anyway, by asking one question.
But back to Lean In.
I was also surprised that she wasn't well informed about how women can sabotage other women in the workplace, particularly women in power. This is an unfortunate truth with roots in biology, and is brilliantly explained in the amazing book, In the Company of Women by Heim and Murphy (http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-I...) which I reviewed here: http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/... This also suggests the reasons Sanders was hit with such a backlash for the well-intentioned Lean In.
There is so much more to say about Lean In, but let me close with this: I enjoyed learning how this stellar corporate executive struggled, made mistakes, and ultimately learned some strategies that will enable her, her family, and the women (and men) in her corporation to thrive. It's not perfect, and sometimes it's not even pretty, but part of the lesson is to let go of the need for perfection.
The other message, younger women, is to get as far and as fast as you can before starting your families. Don't opt out just because it looks too hard from where you're sitting now. The view improves with each rung on the ladder.
After reading some of the reviews, I felt a bit off-kilter, as if I'm seeing something that wasn't intended by the author.
Nevertheless, here's my imp...moreAfter reading some of the reviews, I felt a bit off-kilter, as if I'm seeing something that wasn't intended by the author.
Nevertheless, here's my impression: this story is about a man who, because of his physical limitations, resists closeness with other people, to the point that he marries a woman who seems certain to want the same, arm's length relationship. It's only after she dies that he begins to sense that he was wrong about that. During the grieving process, he comes to realize he's been living an arm's-length life.
I love stories about people who come out of a fog and change their lives, empowered by the realization that they've been missing something important - that their reasoning was flawed, but it doesn't have to remain that way. And Anne Tyler is such a great wordsmith, anything she writes is wonderful. This book is perhaps a bit too subtle to win the raving applause it deserves.(less)
Ever in search of stories about midlife and beyond, I set up a page on facebook (www.Facebook.com/midlife.fiction) and asked for suggestions. I got 38...moreEver in search of stories about midlife and beyond, I set up a page on facebook (www.Facebook.com/midlife.fiction) and asked for suggestions. I got 38 great recommendations, and I hope to read and review every one of them. Herewith, then: Benediction by Kent Haruf. What a masterpiece.
Benediction centers around an elderly man who is dying, but the story encompasses many rich characters, and their small stories touched me. In fact, I think this is what made the book so special for me: I saw a little bit of myself in each of them. Each one resonated. I felt again what it was like to be a lost little girl, a lonely divorcee, a misunderstood introspective, a grieving wife, a person who is coping with serious illness. I longed for the small-town atmosphere described here (the Fourth of July fireworks over the high school football field is a stellar short story all by itself.)
Although the central character is dying, the book is not negative. Far from it - Benediction reflects on the everyday goodness (and tawdriness) of people. His characters are beset by the normal difficulties of life yet buoyed by simple beauties and kindnesses.
Yet, nothing in Haruf's writing is overly dramatic or in the least saccharine. In fact, that's one of the aspects of Benediction I enjoyed the most: being surprised by tears on the completion of a plainly-written paragraph, phrase or description.
I couldn't stop reading excerpts to my husband, since he also loves beautifully crafted writing. This book put me in mind of Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. If I could describe it in one word, it would be "elegiac." (less)
I just finished Aftershock and I was riveted. A high-stakes, high-drama tale of cyber-warfare in the United States that threatens to engulf the entire...moreI just finished Aftershock and I was riveted. A high-stakes, high-drama tale of cyber-warfare in the United States that threatens to engulf the entire world if cyber-security specialist Kirsten Lockhart can't beat the terrorists at their game.
Aftershock is dramatic and fast-paced, full of tension, suspense, and well-drawn characters. Almost as important as all those things combined, is the insider feel of it. It provides a look into a world that most of us can only imagine (or fear!) McFarlin's technical knowledge, the use of Zurich for a pivotal scene, the feeling of being right in the heart of the top-security U.S. cyber-center, dealing with the President and a couple of trigger-happy politicians - I read the last eighty pages of the book in total lockdown, only able to come up for air when at the end, one of the characters makes a joke.
This is McFarlin's debut novel. I hope he writes many more. (less)
When I saw the blog post, "Why You Should Treat Aging As A Mystical Journey"(http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8682/w...), I thought I might have found a...moreWhen I saw the blog post, "Why You Should Treat Aging As A Mystical Journey"(http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8682/w...), I thought I might have found a kindred spirit in the author, Carol Orsborn. When I read this book, Fierce with Age: Chasing God and Squirrels in Brooklyn, I knew for sure. Carol Orsborn is on to something that I, at age 59, am really hungry for. I want to know how to feel valuable, powerful and at peace in the second half of my life, while still fully functioning in a society that demeans, caricatures, and negates older people.
Carol, who is a good writer, describes a story arc that begins with everything falling apart. She is unwanted and then fired from her job in a world that worships youth. She tries to fight aging by staying in the ring with the younger people, but it gives her no real sense of security. She keeps coming up with ideas for holding back time, only to fail over and over again. Telling of her disappointments, Carol does a good job of layering the blows, one atop the other until we are reeling with her. When everything has been tried, every avenue exhausted, what the hell do we do next? Lie down and die? But we’re old, not dead! How do we navigate this new country?
Nearly immobilized with discouragement, Carol struggles with the questions I’ve wrangled with: So now what, at this age? Who am I without the accouterments of my earlier life? My job, my youth, my expertise in a particular field? If I’m not running the race, do I even have value?
One night, in the middle of a furious electrical storm, she stands on her balcony, screaming and shaking her fist at God, daring Him to kill her now.
And He tells her to get over herself.
From this point, Carol begins to glimpse another, more powerful reality. A gigantic paradigm shift later, the unfurling of which she describes in the second half of the book, Carol is once again back on top, no longer burdened by but rather fierce with age. And we’re fierce right along with her.
Carol is very skillful in using metaphor to describe her journey. Particularly satisfying is her change of heart regarding the story of Moses, wherein she finally understands that God was saying, “It's okay to get old. I love you just as you are. So should you.”
The only problem I had with the book was the spiritual, God aspect. It’s not like Carol misled me. God is in the title. Since I am not a believer, however, some points left me a bit frustrated until I got a brainstorm and began replacing the term "conscious growth" with God, and it worked fine! Here's an example:
Carol: To stop "doing" my personality and leave space for God requires...
Lynne: To stop "doing" my personality and leave space for conscious growth requires...
At some point on our nation's timeline, I believe people our age will stop trying to be young and start seeking and finding the intrinsic value of age. It takes courage, though, because so much of it is beyond our control. Carol makes the point that we have to develop the ability to be at peace with that, and since with maturity comes strength, that should be within our capabilities.
And if we can, our reward is the freedom to become our true selves, unbound by the constraints of society as currently drawn. As Carol says, "The one thing that is up to you is whether you will make getting old a tragedy, or embark upon it as another of life's great adventures."(less)
I'm sorry to say, this book didn't speak to me. The characters - and there were many - were uniformly self-centered, neurotic and negative. I'm not ev...moreI'm sorry to say, this book didn't speak to me. The characters - and there were many - were uniformly self-centered, neurotic and negative. I'm not even sure who the protagonist was. Maybe I'm not smart enough to understand it, but I didn't enjoy this book.(less)
Hildy Good lives in a historic (expensive) town on Boston's North Shore. She's a powerful, savvy realtor, with a cut-the-shit attitude and a bad drink...moreHildy Good lives in a historic (expensive) town on Boston's North Shore. She's a powerful, savvy realtor, with a cut-the-shit attitude and a bad drinking problem.
In Hildy, Ann Leary has created a character who, at 60, is a mix of fully-formed and still learning, mainly about her disease and ego. I liked a lot of things about this book: the setting was great, and it was interesting to see it through the the eyes of someone who grew up there. I especially liked the descriptions of the shore, the water, the weather, the wealth and history, the boating and horse cultures, and the way of life that the old fishermen/lobstermen still lived. The characters were well-drawn, the pace was good, the drama compelling. I was a little unsold on the ending, but it wasn't a big problem because there was so much else to like.
There's a subtext of interdependence/independence here, along with a nice theme of accepting individual differences (even though Hildy likes to pretend humans are all alike). The descriptions of alcoholism are pretty creepy, really well done, and you don't know until the very end what Hildy's going to do about it.
I am curious about her other books and plan to check them out.(less)
Major Pettigrew's Last Stand is a first class read about a man who is in his 60s and must learn to live in a different way following the death of his...moreMajor Pettigrew's Last Stand is a first class read about a man who is in his 60s and must learn to live in a different way following the death of his wife. It's a great romance, beautifully written, and with a lot of humor in it.
An enriching story line was that of the ethnic tension between old-school Londoners (of which group Major Pettigrew is a part) and the Brits who are of Pakistani descent. I enjoyed such scenes as this:
"Do come and sit down by me, Abdul Wahid," said Sandy. "I want to ask you more about traditional weaving in Pakistan."
"I won't be much help," said Abdul Wahid. "I was raised in England. I was considered a tourist and an Englishman in Pakistan. I bought my scarf in Lahore, in a department store."
Helen Simonson is an extremely gifted writer. For example, in a scene where an old flashlight is called into service, she writes: "...(he) wondered whether the batteries were fresh or whether they were chalky with dribbled acid." I know, it's a minor passage but Simonson could have just ignored the question, or said, "he hoped the batteries still worked." I think it reveals her talent and attention to detail.
I also enjoyed the Major's dry wit, particularly in relation to his materialistic, selfish son, and the vulnerability parents still have toward ungrateful offspring. The son, like all of the other main characters, isn't 100% bad or good - he's nuanced. Realistic. Believable.
This story was recommended to me on my Midlife Fiction page on Facebook. I wouldn't have known of it otherwise, and frankly, the cover wouldn't have attracted me. That's the only bad thing I can say about this book, though. One of the qualifications for being featured on www.facebook.com/midlife.fiction is that the story illuminate the second half of life. This book does that. I'm so glad I read it and recommend it wholeheartedly.
I really enjoyed this book. The characters are realistic and enjoyable, and I wanted to know what happened to all of them. It was emotional enough in...moreI really enjoyed this book. The characters are realistic and enjoyable, and I wanted to know what happened to all of them. It was emotional enough in places to make me cry, and the ending was satisfying. A very good read.(less)
My first reaction to this book was, frankly, a little negative. I confess I found myself bummed out, thinking, "only privileged women who can afford t...moreMy first reaction to this book was, frankly, a little negative. I confess I found myself bummed out, thinking, "only privileged women who can afford to stay home and raise kids, who define themselves by that experience, would fail to notice the fact of their own mortality. And then be so shaken by it when the nest empties." Or some such. So what could this woman possibly say to me?
But I kept reading, and I realized she HAD been thinking about life quite a lot even back when she was a young mother, and then I started highlighting. After a while, I noticed the number of highlighted passages was rather high for a book I didn't like. And then I read something that made me cry, and I paid more attention. I cried some more and highlighted some more. This gal's on to something, I thought.
When I finished it, I felt grateful that she wrote it, because I gained two powerful insights: one, that I have given perhaps too much energy to a particularly large fear of mine, and maybe if I face it, acknowledge it, let it live, and try to learn from it, I can diminish or vanquish it (or maybe we can at least coexist); and two, maybe there's more going on - between humans and in the cosmos in general - than I thought (more chemistry, more electricity, more magic, more intuition, more subconscious communication, more LOVE) and I might find more ease and less anxiety in life if I were to slow down, be a little more open and allow myself to perceive this.
Thanks to Katrina Kenison for a wonderfully introspective guide to managing existential angst. (less)
I read IOU Sex while on vacation and it was the perfect fantasy read. The characters are likeable and funny, the sex is hot, and the flashbacks to gro...moreI read IOU Sex while on vacation and it was the perfect fantasy read. The characters are likeable and funny, the sex is hot, and the flashbacks to growing up in the sixties were really well done and brought back good memories for me. I especially enjoyed Peggy's story, and the rich descriptions of the Pacific Northwest. The Sandies are capable writers, drawing you in with dramatic tension that keeps you reading. Although as other readers say it was a little bit contrived (ex: spouses conveniently die to clear the way for old friends to connect and still be ethical about it), who cares? It's a romance, people. Plus the story line about Kiki's ex-boyfriend turning into a hypocritical TV minister was a good twist to keep the book from being too predictable. IOU Sex is a fun read with happy endings all around. I enjoyed it.(less)
This book, a short 88 pages, is a good pep talk for those of us going through the middle years of our lives and experiencing the disruption and angst...moreThis book, a short 88 pages, is a good pep talk for those of us going through the middle years of our lives and experiencing the disruption and angst that come at this time. Here's an excerpt that was meaningful to me: "Stop, sit down quietly, and begin to feel the enormity of this apparent crisis, which may also be one of the most important opportunities of your adult life...Know that this is the beginning of your own personal rite of passage into older adulthood." (less)
Really enjoyed it. It's about a couple of PTSD-burdened, wounded veterans who find each other; one is Scott, LAPD cop severely wounded while on duty,...moreReally enjoyed it. It's about a couple of PTSD-burdened, wounded veterans who find each other; one is Scott, LAPD cop severely wounded while on duty, and Maggie, a German Shepherd war dog who is severely wounded while working with Marines in Afghanistan. It's hard to speak from the POV of a dog, but Crais' Maggie, does it perfectly. You care about the characters, the action is fast and compelling, and the ending satisfying. (less)
This is a fairly short book, but it's packed with feel-good stories about men and women marrying later in life. All are real examples from Maureen Can...moreThis is a fairly short book, but it's packed with feel-good stories about men and women marrying later in life. All are real examples from Maureen Candace Fox's experience or research. It's an inspiring read for anyone in that situation, and also contains lots of great, common-sense advice for playing the game.
One thing that didn't resonate for me is the heavy reliance on aphorisms and faith. I appreciated the positive approach, but I'm a bit less trusting of the Universe than some of the lovebirds in the case histories. Here are two examples: "When you least expect it love will find you, and "Good things come to those who wait." I'm sure this was true in the experience of those who repeated them, but I don't feel the same confidence. What I did find true and invigorating was the author's own positive attitude about living a well-rounded, satisfying life. She says set aside the desperation and craziness of looking for a man all the time and have a good life. Do what makes you happy. Find interests, enjoy yourself. Grow. Learn. Thrive. Live your best life and love will come.
As a happily married midlife woman, not looking to date, one bit of guidance resonated with me. In Chapter 6, the author says, "If you treat dating as a game, you most likely will enjoy the process. Otherwise it can be a bad experience." I thought that wisdom might apply to a number of non-dating challenges in my life. Marketing my book, for example, or finding time to write. My shrink used to say, "if you're in the game, play to win," but what is winning? Landing the prize or enjoying the game? I say try the latter, based on Maureen's advice. Then, no matter what happens, you'll be happy. (less)
I thought I loved anything written by Ann Patchett, but this was an exception. The writing was beautiful, but I felt that I couldn't get everything ou...moreI thought I loved anything written by Ann Patchett, but this was an exception. The writing was beautiful, but I felt that I couldn't get everything out of the book that she intended without the help of a discussion group or a degree in fine arts.
On the plus side, I enjoyed all of the characters; they were unique and memorable. On the minus, it was like a giant short story: rich in detail and character description but cryptic in the extreme.
I couldn't perceive any arc for the characters, which is one of the things I enjoy. Rose started and ended the book as a runner (or a "leaver" as was the only other love interest in Son's life, Cecilia). Son started and ended as a passive victim, unable to move a muscle to save himself. Cecilia grew into a teenager, seemingly healthy in spite of the maternal neglect with which she grew up, and thanks to all the stand-in mothers she had, but not due to any goal-seeking or obstacle-surmounting on her own. The Patron Saint of Liars was, apparently, Sister Evangeline, who was not the main character in the story (of which there were three). Apologies to Ann Patchett for not appreciating her talents, but this novel did not do it for me.(less)
I had no idea I would enjoy this book so much! I thought it would be an enjoyable love story, but it's so much more than that! Very rich and layered....moreI had no idea I would enjoy this book so much! I thought it would be an enjoyable love story, but it's so much more than that! Very rich and layered. I just finished it and it made me cry. So much human drama, expertly crafted with just the right amount of emotion. This book could be the basis for a whole season of television. Somebody should offer Joanne Hardy a contract.
Based in Illinois just before the outbreak of the Civil War, a young woman, Gabrielle Pryor, struggles to survive her late teens living with an abusive, self-righteous grandmother. A kindly reverend, seeing the welts and blood from a recent whipping, takes Gabrielle to the home of a young mother who is pregnant and needs assistance. Turns out, the young mother and her husband are a stop on the Underground Railroad, and Gabrielle finds herself involved. This is just the first of a long list of captivating story twists that keep this story moving. The very next is that Gabrielle, shunned as "bastard" and impoverished, falls in love with the eligible rich bachelor who lives on a neighboring farm - and his political sympathies lie with the Confederacy, while hers are Unionist.
The book reveals the way the war tears apart a town loyal to Lincoln (how timely, with the movie receiving acclaim at the moment), but within that global story are many individual subplots that keep this book moving at a fast clip. Ms. Hardy has the gift for being able to develop many different characters without overloading the reader, and each of the characters seems unique and memorable. I looked forward to reading it each night, and thought about it during the day, hungry to get back to it. Now that I've finished, I'm a little sad. What an enjoyable book. Kudos to Joanne Hardy for this wonderful story!(less)
Very interesting to read how these women, identified as "feminist psychologists," are approaching or navigating retirement. All of the essays were hel...moreVery interesting to read how these women, identified as "feminist psychologists," are approaching or navigating retirement. All of the essays were helpful and educational. I enjoyed the more personal accounts, especially the ones musing on existential themes. I even copied one essay to share with my 87-year-old mom who is coping brilliantly at this time of life but must wonder about others her age.
Many of the women, after going on at great length about their professional background, then described in similar detail the work they expected to accomplish in "retirement." Although I respect that each of us has different levels of energy, and different needs, I wondered if these incredibly savvy and highly educated women were somewhat in denial. I suspect that some of the women, having fought so hard to fulfill their career aspirations, were averse to giving up any ground. Their vision of retirement seemed to consist of cutting back on the workload (although this book was written as the country is inching its way out of the Great Recession, so some of this is no doubt based in economic necessity.)
However, some of the writers had begun to feel more comfortable stepping away from their professional identity, and their journeys seemed more informative. They were confident enough to try on new ways of thinking about themselves, creating new rhythms and ways of living. That idea of reshaping one's life in retirement really called to me. Overall, a very enlightening read.(less)
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