I read Fifty Shades of Grey today. I don't think I've ever read a book so terrible before that it's sent me directly into rant-mode (and Atlas Shrugge...moreI read Fifty Shades of Grey today. I don't think I've ever read a book so terrible before that it's sent me directly into rant-mode (and Atlas Shrugged was pretty terrible). I've decided to drag my ass down to my mom's computer at 5am, just so I could tell the world (like any true, self-centered North American would do) all about my valuable opinion of this piece of "literature," and write a review of it. Normally I would be too lazy for this type of thing, but I like to help others in any way that I can. Since the global economy is about to collapse and send us into a world-wide recession of apocalyptic proportions, it is probably important to save as much money a possible right now. One way that you can save money is by not buying this book :)
I really can NOT understand why this book is so popular. Ana is SO annoying. She is the definition of a Mary Sue, which I could get past if she wasn't also such a low self-esteemed prude.This girl seriously makes women everywhere look bad. Apparently all that you need to be happy in life is a rich, controlling man who doesn't allow you to have friends, and picks out all of your meals, clothes, and basically do everything for you. She also apparently has some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder because she is constantly arguing with a voice inside of her head. I haven't disliked a book so much in a long time, and I think it is mainly because of being forced to be in Ana's annoying-as-shit thoughts all the time.
The writing of all the "sexy" scenes is just awkward. I haven't actually read any erotica before, so I am not sure how these scenes are supposed to work, but I don't see how anyone who has actually had sex before could get into this book. Every page will be okay for a while, but then some utterly ridiculous line will pop up that will make me LOL and completely ruin the vibe (e.g. "Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle"). I'm too lazy to actually research who the author is, but by the way this is written I would guess she is about 15.
(Speaking of bad writing, the author also mentions the medulla oblongata at least once per chapter. I think that she is trying to say that Ana is so dumb that she forgets to breathe in the smartest way possible, but the author just ends up sounding like she failed biology because she could only remember one single part of the nervous system.)
If you're going to try to bring BDSM to the forefront of pop culture (something that is a great idea because I think it is good for people to explore different lifestyles and sexualities, and just generate more dialogue about sex in general), at least be serious about it so that your terrible book doesn't accidentally ruin people's opinion of an entire social group forever. Trust me, the quality of writing is just SO bad! While reading this, all I could think was "this reads like bloody fanfic." Well, it turns out that this is fan fiction! The author of this book originally wrote this as a Twilight fanfic called "Master of the Universe." Apparently the author just copied and pasted like 89% of this from the original fic, and just changed the names of the characters. It's probably still on the internet somewhere, so if you MUST read Fifty Shades, you can just go find it on Google and save yourself $13. You're welcome!
If anybody simply MUST know what this book is about because of unyielding curiosity, I'll also write a plot synopsis. Here's the skinny:
Ana (Bella) meets Christian (Edward). She is a Mary Sue (everybody loves her for no apparent reason).
Christian is basically a God. This 28 year old is sexier than Adonis, and has more money than Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and a Nigerian prince combined. For some reason the girl of his dreams is a socially awkward ginger who's best friends are her British novels, a spoiled brat, and a minority who wants to rape her (Jacob) because she's SO damn fine (even though she spends half the book saying that she is fugly).
Ana complains about this.
When he's not looking and before they are even really friends, she brushes her teeth with his freshly used toothbrush and gets SEW turned on! o.O
A few pages later it becomes obvious that they are madly in an undying love.
Ana complains about this.
Ana complains about this.
He asks her to sign a contract making her his sex slave in return for the opportunity to bang him and receive lots of money and gifts (*cough, prostitute, *cough,*cough)
You already know what Ana does here.
300 pages of fucking and complaining and indecisiveness later...
Oh, and Christian got molested by some cougar when he was 15. Obviously people with non-mainstream sexual preferences are that way because there is something wrong with them.
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