Although the book is not as practical as i was expecting, it is still a good introduction and overview on the topic. I will refer to it again and agai...moreAlthough the book is not as practical as i was expecting, it is still a good introduction and overview on the topic. I will refer to it again and again.(less)
I found the book hard to read because of its heavy use of jargon and its philosophical interpretations. I guess reading other books of the author befo...moreI found the book hard to read because of its heavy use of jargon and its philosophical interpretations. I guess reading other books of the author before this one is necessary.(less)
I think i like more action oriented books. This book is not one of them. Reading definitions and examples is not enough to learn a subject. There shou...moreI think i like more action oriented books. This book is not one of them. Reading definitions and examples is not enough to learn a subject. There should be home works where you can apply what you think you learned to real world situations too..
So far, i have read two books of this author (the other one is "The Psychology of Self-Esteem: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Understanding that Launched a New Era in Modern Psychology"). He seems to be one of the pioneers of this field but i did not like writing style (presentation) of both of the books.(less)
It is an attempt to be good always. This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide cer...more[Quoted from the book:]
Nice Guy Syndrome
It is an attempt to be good always. This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).
Nice guys vs Integrity
The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn't involve becoming “not nice.” Rather, it means becoming “integrated.”
Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one's self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.
An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect.
Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. My definition of integrity is “deciding what feels right and doing it.” The alternative is using the “committee approach.” This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right. Following this committee approach is the quickest path to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty.
Nice guys vs Masculinity
Another common trait among Nice Guys is the belief that they are different from other men. This distorted thinking usually began in childhood when they tried to be different from their “bad” or unavailable father.
As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive benefits of male companionship and the power of a masculine community.
I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species. Without this masculine energy we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity.
As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this male energy force. As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power. Go watch little boys on the playground and you will see these qualities. I am convinced that these are good things worth keeping.
One of the most visible consequences of the repression of masculine energy in Nice Guys is their lack of leadership in their families. Out of fear of upsetting their partner or appearing too much like their controlling, authoritarian, or abusive fathers, Nice Guys frequently fail to be the leader their family needs. Consequently, the job of leading the family often falls on their wives. Most of the women I talk to don't want this job, but end up taking it by default.
Reclaiming one's masculinity involves:
* Connecting with other men. * Getting strong. * Finding healthy male role models. * Reexamining one's relationship with one's father.
I consistently tell Nice Guys, “The best thing you can do for your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is to have male friends.” As they get many of their emotional needs met with men, recovering Nice Guys become less dependent, needy, manipulative and resentful in their relationships with women.
Embracing one's masculinity mean's embracing one's body, power, and spaciousness. In order to do this, recovering Nice Guys have to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being male. This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest. Whether the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts, playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into self-confidence and power in every other aspect of his life.(less)