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Jan 01, 2009
Feb 01, 2010
(If the pictures are cut off, read it here.)
Just to let you know, I’ll be having a conversation with myself, because I get bored and ne...more
(If the pictures are cut off, read it here.)
Just to let you know, I’ll be having a conversation with myself, because I get bored and need to talk to someone. There’s me, and there’s “Myself” — who will be playing the “nice” part of me, and… asking questions, and making sure I don’t go on and on about unrelated topics. (There’s My Other Self, but asleep, thank god.) Don’t expect anything professional, or even something that makes sense. It's also very, very long.
Myself: This doesn’t even have 5 star reviews from all your friends – or the rest of Goodreads.
Me: That’s usually a good thing. When a book has mixed reviews, it’s… good, or not bad, or decent. When a book has 5 stars all over, it’s… 95% of the time, bad. And all the books that have mostly negative reviews are actually pretty bad – believe me on this. Well, I suppose maybe you shouldn’t, since I don’t read many books that people tell me are bad. It’s also possible that someone just gave some book a negative rating because they didn’t like the author, or something mentioned in the book–
Myself: Okay, whatever, shut up now. This is about Iron King. And what’s with your face?
Me: Right. Well… my face…
Myself: Is it good or bad? The book?
Me: Uhm… okay, so The Raven Boys and Iron King both had high, low, and meh ratings…
Myself: What the fuck is a meh rating?
Me: Like, meh! I’m sure people understand me. Both books also have disappearing fathers. The Raven Boys I liked–
Myself: This is about IRON KING.
Me: Right, right. Okay, but Iron King?
Me: Oh my god.
Myself: Oh my god?
Me: What the fuck?
Myself: Iron King?
Myself: Yes… to put it very simply, it was bad. Really bad. From what I read of it, anyways.
Myself: Wait, are you saying you didn’t read the WHOLE BOOK?
Myself: How dare you?
Me: Shut up. I do what I want. Besides, I got to page 131, that’s more than enough.
Myself: But that means you missed everything. You have no right to judge this book. You have no right to rate this book. You have no right to REVIEW THIS—
Me: Shut up, I said. I’ve read enough of it, and I think it’s pretty bad. I didn’t even meet the love interest and I thought it was bad, so if this guy-who-changes-everything-for-the-girl comes along, I’m 95% sure it only gets worse. That’s what everyone told me too, so no thanks. I’m not reading anymore of it.
Myself: Well, you sure missed out–
Myself: Well, you better get yourself ready for anyone who thinks you missed out–
Myself: Well, you better explain properly–
Myself: I’m only saying what you want me to say, goddammit, STOP THAT.
Myself: Bad in what way?
Me: I don’t really know, you see. I don’t know how to explain it, and I don’t know where to start.
Myself: You useless annoying piece of—
Me: Be nice.
Myself: I’m only saying what you want me to say.
Me: Ah, yes. Right. So we have this character named Meghan Chase. She is poor, and her father disappeared when she was ten–
Me: What? Really? That makes it even funnier–
Myself: You think parents disappearing is funny?
Me: No, I mean, in the context of the book and with this character and her father – just never mind. Okay. So, six. Meghan has no friends except for this Robbie guy, and no one cares about her at school, or at home, because she has this younger half brother and this step dad, who is like… not paying attention half the time, and this younger half brother sees like monsters and talks to this plush toy named Floppy – which made me think, OHMYGOD PANDORA HEARTS!
Myself: You really suck at this.
Me: Shut up. Anyways, the writing is bad.
Myself: Oh, come on, there’s a lot of good stuff on faeries and there’s good descriptions and–
Me: Okay, all right. Some of the writing was like, meh. And okay. So I guess then, the writing is not bad in a way where it’s like, ugh, you don’t know how to do words! But more like, you’re not trying to do words to the best of your ability, and it only makes it worse because you have this poor excuse of a main character.
Myself: What even.
Me: It’s not the kind of writing that needs editing, but the kind of writing that needs for you to sit back and try to imagine yourself in this character’s place as the story moves. You’ll notice if you do that, that this character really, really makes no sense, and that it also makes the story kind of shit. I get very irritated when there’s a good idea, there’s a good story, but it is ruined by a useless character, and because that useless character made it impossible for the story to work.
Myself: This isn’t making you sound smart. You’re not actually making sense, you know.
Me: Okay. Okay. Examples. First of all, let’s talk about her thoughts. This is in first person. First person meaning we’re very, very close to her. VERY CLOSE. Like, me and you right now. So right in her head. Now take a look at this:
“Countless stories, songs, and poems have been written about this wonderful age, when a girl finds true love and the stars shine for her and the handsome prince carries her off into the sunset … I didn’t think it would be that way for me.”
I’ll ignore this passage – actually no wait, can I talk about how annoying it is to read about that bit KNOWING that this is a love story where a guy would come and sweep her away into the sunset? Like, honestly, don’t do that, okay? But anyway, notice that she says she doesn’t think it would happen for her. Then on the next page, we get this:
“While other girls spend hours in front of their closets crying, “What should I wear?” my drawers basically hold three things: clothes from Goodwill, hand me downs, and overalls.
I wish we weren’t so poor. I know pig farming isn’t the most glamorous of jobs … [she goes on here] … I glared at my scanty wardrobe in disgust. Oh, well, I guess Scott will have to be wowed with my natural grace and charm, if I don’t make an idiot of myself in front of him.”
Myself: Why are you italicizing that?
Me: EXACTLY THE PROBLEM HERE.
Myself: I’m only saying what you want me to say, stop acting like–
Me: But why do we suddenly break away from her first person narration so we can get those thoughts? You don’t need to do that. I know it’s you thinking here. I even wondered for a bit if it was another character influencing her thoughts – like that would be pretty awesome, you know?
Myself: You can easily ignore that though–
Me: Oh, please. My job is not to ignore the useless bits in the book. I, as a reader, should feel like the story is flowing properly and these little things INTERRUPT me. That’s never good for a book – if you don’t need it there, don’t fucking put it in there.
Myself: Remember, we said to be nice–
Me: Go to hell! That shit with her thoughts italicized happens a few times, but there’s a lot of other ridiculous bits. Okay, so first chapter, after she gets dressed and what not – oh by the way, did I tell you? She goes on about this girl at her school who is “inflate a boob” — like, yeah Meghan, that’s gonna make people like you! Anyways, the kitchen. She comes down to the kitchen, and she tells us about her stepfather and little half brother Ewan or something–
Me: And she like describes what the two of them are doing and then there’s this: "Where’s Mom?” I asked as a I entered the kitchen. I IMAGINED YOU IN THE KITCHEN THIS ENTIRE TIME BECAUSE YOU TOLD US WHERE YOUR STEPFATHER WAS SITTING, AND WHAT ETHAN WAS DOING! Why are you going into the kitchen now? This, again, is INTERRUPTION. NOT GOOD. Like just some random action inserted with dialogue isn’t going to make it good – it isn’t going to make us think that you have such ~good writing~ because it’s USELESS. Fucking pisses me off more than anything in the world – you know who does shit like this with their writing? DO YOU?
Me: What? Oh my god… Maybe I do? Someone should check that for me—but CLARE DOES THIS. ALKFJKDHGKHJAF
Myself: Oh, here it comes. Remember, people only understand that on Tumblr. You must explain yourself.
Me: LKJFAHFOIAHROIFJK I DO NOT LIKE CLARE’S WRITING KJFAHLGFIUKJB
Myself: Everyone knows that. But what else, I remember something about a person scaring the brother?
Me: Yes, there’s that too – but wait! Remember I said she’s poor, right? She comes into the kitchen, complains about what her mom got and didn’t get for her to eat, and then she like nibbles on a bagel and throws it in the trash, with a SATISFIED SMIRK. Honestly? Really? What the fucking hell, why would you do that? What is this character? Then when she’s leaving, her little brother is like, hey Meghan there’s something in my room. And she’s like, ugh kids are soooo stupid! I’ll go check but ugh kiiiids! So she goes there, and she sees someone looking at her from inside the closet, then she’s like, ughhhhh kiiiids! Now I’m seeing things because stuuupid kiiids!
Myself: That would scare me.
Me: Yeah, and I’d be pretty suspicious too. I mean, I’m not the nicest person to my siblings, but if something happened to them, or they said they were scared, well whatever is in that closet hurting them better get itself ready—I’ll burn it if I have to. But she’s just like, ughhh I’m late to school! Nobody cares about my birthdaaaay! My life suuuuucks! Then we see her best friend Robbie, who calls her princess all the time. And she’s like, don’t call me that oh my god don’t call me thaaaat!
Myself: But that’s good foreshadowing because she turns out to be the daughter of – oh wait, sorry. Spoilers.
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. SPOILERS? THAT’S ON THE BACK OF THE FUCKING BOOK. I knew she was the daughter of some Faery King, and I knew that’s why Robbie called her a princess, and that’s why he was around – to protect her or keep her away or something like that. And I knew that every weird thing going on was the result of this faery stuff, but she’d SEE it happen, and then be like, oh, time to go back to sleep. She overhears Robbie and some nurse talking about this faery stuff and her, like she hears THE WHOLE FUCKING CONVERSATION – ALL OF IT – she’s like, oh, whatever.
Hey, hey, just a little helpful hint: if you’re going to have your character not understand something even after hearing it all, or telling us that they forget or something, AT LEAST give us some of the conversation, not ALL of it. Make her doze off or something. Show us that she’s confused – and not just fucking tell us, because SHE HEARD THAT SHIT. I READ HER HEARING THAT SHIT. Then she’s like, OMG, what I heard before! OMG.
Like, you remember that now? What the hell?
Myself: But it must’ve been the faery–
Me: OH NONO, DON’T YOU EVEN. I thought that too! I thought there might be something going on with her memory and her behaviour that was affected by all that weird faery stuff, or that there was something traumatic that happened to her in the past, maybe with her father? Maybe with her mother? Maybe with some faery thing – like the one in her brother’s closet? (This is what happens when you read Pandora Hearts.) But nope, she’s just being a useless, annoying, RUDE character with no personality, no proper thoughts of her own – she just does things, and things happen to her, but she’s not believable and she doesn’t feel real.
Myself: You’ve said that about every single one of Clare’s characters.
Me: I KNOOOW! *screeches*
Myself: This is getting long – time to end–
Me: NOT YET. I’ll skip the part with her in the school and that popular football team dude – I thought it was there to tell us how special and different and oh-the-main-character-doesn’t-fit-in Meghan was – completely unnecessary, but I haven’t read the whole book so I don’t know. But she comes home, okay, after that weird stuff happened at school, and her mom IS ON THE FLOOR BLEEDING! What does she do? She shakes her HER INJURED MOTHER A LOT, thinks about phoning the ambulance, doesn’t do it, then her mom gets up! The mom is like, oh it’s fine, I’m totally fine! Then her husband comes and he’s like FUCK YOU’RE NOT WE’RE GOING TO HOSPITAL! So they both go off, and then Meghan’s like, siiighh, my liiife is weeeird my birthday I’m saaad. Then her brother is acting like a fucking monster – HE STARTS DEVOURING PIZZA WITHOUT CHEWING OR ANYTHING – and Meghan is still like, ughhh kids so stuuuupid!
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP WITH THIS GIRL?
Her brother attacks her leg, okay – he BITES HER AND SHE STARTS BLEEDING! LIKE A LOT! She says it herself! She says that Ethan “attacked her like a wild dog” but when Robbie comes, and he tells her that wasn’t her brother, she’s like, ohmygd! What do you mean! Don’t say mean things! Waaah! Leave my brother alone!
Myself: I bet you’re making her sound 1000x more annoying than she actually is in the book.
Me: No no no, only exaggerating by 0.0005x, I promise. She drinks anything that is given to her, it looks weird, it smells weird, she drinks it anyway. Her friend Robbie always acts like he’s hiding a billion things, and she’s like, ah well, it’s Robbie! She ADMITS that it’s weird, but when he tells her something, she’s like NOOOOo YOU’RE NOT THE ROBBIE I KNOW! Except, she herself says – she ACTUALLY ADMITS IT TO HERSELF ALL THE TIME BEFORE — that she doesn’t know him! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?
Myself: Okay, I think we should really stop now – everyone gets it, you didn’t like it–
Me: I AM NOT DONE YET. Robbie goes on to tell her that her brother and he himself is not human, and then she starts screaming that he’s lying and all of that – and then she goes into her brother’s room, and then she comes back out, and then she’s screaming again, and then she’s going on about how unbelievable it is and how everyone is lying, and then she decides to go to faeryland or whatever, and SHE COMPLETELY FORGETS HER BROTHER! ONLY WHEN WE NEED THE CHARACTER TO BE LOST, ONLY THEN, DOES SHE REMEMBER. Oh, is that shiny thing my brother? I must go after him! Oh fuck, that wasn’t my brother! Robbiiie help!
Then Puck helps of course, and then something happens, and Puck/Robbie and Meghan are separated, and then she’s like, THAT LIAR HE LEFT ME WAAAH I’M ALONE I AM ALONE IN FAERYLAND WHAT DO I DO NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME WAAH – Meghan Chase, why the fuck are you here? To find your brother. FIND YOUR BROTHER. I hate, hate, hate, HATE characters like these in YA – her little 4 year old brother is better than her, more considerate, and more mature. And then the best part is, THE BEST FUCKING PART is, when she gets taken to that Faery Court or whatever, and she whines about people not helping her there too, and then the King is like, “Meghan Chase you be ma daughtaaaaar *thunder* I did things with your mothaaa *thunder* all sorts of thiiiings because i caaaan *thunder* and now you be my daughtaaaaar!”
And of course, she goes NOOOO YOU LIE MY MOM LOVES MY DADDY WHO DISAPPEARED INTO THE POND WHEN I WAS LITTLE YOU DON’T LOVE MY MOMMY GO AWAY! This is supposed to be one of those HOLY FUCKING SHIT moments in the book, you know, where it’s like, SURPRISE! BET YOU COULDN’T GUESS THAT, HEY?
Myself: You said it was on the back of the book.
Me: EXAFUCKINGACTLY. *screeches*
Me: That’s no way to write a story, and if you wanted all the important shit to be in faeryland, why not START the book in faeryland? Why not skip all that useless stuff in the beginning and Robbie going, PRINCESS MY PRINCESS, and why not just — HEY I KNOW! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL US SHE iS THE DAUGHTER OF THE FUCKING KING ON THE BACK OF THE BOOK! WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA! WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT OF THIS AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE PUBLISHING–
Myself: Okay, all right. Review is over. This was 1/5 stars and meet us next time maybe–
Me: I AM NOT DONE YET!
Myself: YES YOU ARE – GILBEEEERT!
Me: YOU DID NOT JUST TELL ME THAT IT’S JUST A BOOK — Oh hi! Omg Baby Gil! Cutie, look at you!
Notes are private!
Apr 13, 2013
Apr 19, 2013
Apr 15, 2012
Jan 01, 2009
Mar 24, 2009
--Warning: negative review--
While reading this book, my head would droop like an unwatered flower. Then it would rise like a balloon in...more --Warning: negative review--
While reading this book, my head would droop like an unwatered flower. Then it would rise like a balloon in anger. I’d throw the book across the room, it’s cover open like a pair of wings. Jace’s constant descriptions would make my brain itch, like a pair of silky fingers… like hot metal, like glass needles in the sky, like white powder, like quartz, like – Oh, GOD I CAN’T DO THIS.
I'll tell you about that in a sec, let's get down with the plot. Oh, and I'm not even gonna bother trying to keep this spoiler-free, so you've been warned.
Yeah... one thing was quite important in this one... hmmm... what was it? What was it... AH! I remembered.
Turns out Jace is not Valentine's son. Yep, not obvious at all.
Everyone is in love and conflict is resolved.
Okay, it stopped being funny.
I didn't like this book.
I can't look past Clare's plagiarism. I can't even like Magnus. Sebastian was okay... but... well, who knows where Clare got that guy from? I really didn't like anything in this series. There were so many instances where I was reminded of something else I'd either seen or read... in a book, or a movie, or an anime, or a manga.
In the beginning of the book, she did something stupid, and Luke gave her a good little talk. All right. That was fine. It seems like Clare wants to show her as the cute/innocent/brave type, but... well, Clary is a real bitch. She stays at Amatis's house, and just does whatever the hell she wants. She has no respect for the place she's staying at, or for Amatis. She sneaks out without telling the owner of the house. She uses Amatis's clothes without asking. She'll eat her food, not thank her once, and when she ever says anything to her, Clary will get angry.
She really gave me the impression that... since Amatis was Luke's sister, and Luke is like Clary's father, Amatis had to love her, look out for her, cook for her, and just act like her fucking servant all the time.
No. No. Saying THANK YOU is not that hard. Why are all these YA heroines so ungrateful? They have no respect, no compassion, and no real feelings for the people around them -- unless, that someone is a love interest. It makes me sick.
MORE CLARY BUT JACE ALSO
Another thing, which I've already talked about in my previous reviews, but I'll mention it again. The characters, seriously, MAKE NO SENSE to me. Sort of like... you know where an actor isn't doing a good job? Let me give you an example.
At one point, Clary finds out that Simon is in jail. Jace and Clary had a fight or something the previous day, and she thinks that Jace hates Simon and so he put him in jail... or something like that. When she hears about it, she goes all, OMG! The world has stopped moving, I'm so shocked! Then we get a different POV -- Clare does this all the time -- so when we get back to Clary, she's at home, exhausted, and Jace is there. She acts a little sour towards him, and because of that POV shift, I thought it was because of that fight. When your reader forgets that your character is supposed to be angry, then you're doing it wrong.
And hey, even if I didn't forget, Clary walks in and starts thinking of how hot Jace looks in his clothes, what his hair is like, his neck -- how am I supposed to believe this girl is angry or still worried about her friend? Her best friend, the only friend, and he's in JAIL.
Suddenly, after checking him out, she starts throwing things at him. She punches him, and of course, since Jace is so strong, it doesn't affect him. And then they come close to kissing near the counter. Or maybe they did kiss... or was that when Jace's house blew up?
Oh, did I ever mention that Jace gets talked about by all the different characters in this book so we can feel some sympathy for the poor kid? His past is always referred to. You know, I'd feel some sadness if it wasn't brought up so much and thrown in my face constantly. It kind of feels like Clare is bragging about her character. Oh, look how deep he is, look how troubled, look how handsome, look how brave despite his past, look how honest about his feelings, look how gorgeously angelic -- and he thinks he's a DEMON! WEIRD, EH? The past 1000 pages were all about him looking like a pure and beautiful angel, so angel-y that Clary dreams about him being an angel! What a surprise it was at the end when we found out that he has angel blood. What a shocking revelation.
The character who is a real jerk and asshole, shown as angelic.
Poor Max. In my review for City of Ashes, I complained about how Clare just kills characters that we don't know very well in order to prove to us that a situation is dangerous. She does the same thing here, but the past ones didn't really make anyone sad... so she kills the nine year old kid in this one.
If you're going to start killing children, you better have a really good reason for it. Something like a war. With... bombs blowing up and... the stuff you see on TV... that I don't watch because it makes me depressed. Anyways, Max stayed at home here. He was indoors when all the demons were out in the city, and he was supposed to be safe. Yet even though Sebastian attacks Isabelle with the hammer or whatever, we're told that it was Max who died.
Isabelle isn't gonna die, of course. She's the strong female character. No way is Clare going to kill her off. She'll just get rid of that character who's always in the way, who she probably just put in to make you think, "Awh, how sweet, he likes Jace so much, and Jace likes him too~"
Nowhere do we actually see that. Jace kicks him out of the room and never really talks to him like even I do to my younger siblings sometimes. You know, if it's a nine year old, I'd say he understands a lot of what's going around. It won't be that hard to explain things to him. Hey, kids actually listen if you talk to them properly.
Please don't put children in your story if you don't need them for the plot. That's just annoying, and makes you look like a heartless... nonhuman thing. It's WRONG to use a kid like that.
Also, after his death, I felt that the characters didn't even act like they were sorry for Max's death. We get Clary's dramatic reaction... and she runs out crying... and she only met him less than a month ago ... or ten days?
By the way, the title of the chapter after the death is called, "Where There Is Sorrow," and Simon and Clary are sitting in Amatis's kitchen, talking... sarcastically. They joke about how someone had brought Simon a cat to drink blood from, and how he can't because he has a pet cat.
You can't just put things in like that if you really want to show sorrow. First of all, like I said, Clary didn't know Max that well. We don't know Max that well. Wouldn't it make sense if we saw that scene through Jace's eyes? Or Alec? Or Isabelle? Max was part of their family. Or maybe it's just too much work for Clare. She won't bother getting too emotional about some minor character, she just wants you to know that Jace looks hot, and she wants you to buy her books.
We do get some Jace and Isabelle, but...
“A guy attends the funeral of his nine-year-old brother and misses all the fun.”
Yep. I have no idea what these people are made of.
Goes to her room, cries, and attacks Simon for sex because it will make her feel better.
Oh, poor, poor Max.
I had to find a way to make myself read through this pile of crap, so I started looking for some evidence that proves Simon and Jace really do love each other. That's the only way I could put up with their Clary conversations. Also, I have a feeling that Clare might've wanted some people to see this as Simon/Jace love, because I believe there are lots of other ways she could've written their interactions. Since she was a fan fiction writer herself, maybe she wants this to be a shipping.
Here are my findings:
“Look, I asked you here for a reason. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common."
“Totally awesome hair?” Simon suggested... Something about the look on Jace’s face was making him increasingly uneasy.
Jace's LOOK was making him uneasy, people.
Jace caught his arm, spinning him back around ... Simon looked pointedly at Jace’s hand where it clamped his upper arm... Jace exhaled slowly, reluctantly—and let go his grip on Simon’s arm.
Ah, dang it. Well, they'll get to it next time.
“But my eyes do,” said a coolly amused voice from the doorway. Jace. He had come in so quietly that even Simon hadn’t heard him; closing the door behind him, he grinned as Isabelle pulled Simon’s shirt down.
Jace's eyes hurt because he just saw Isabelle pulling up Simon's shirt. Jealousy~
“Go away, Isabelle.” Simon, his hands fisted against his stomach, looked up at Jace, pleading in his voice. “Make her go.”
Simon does not like Isabelle. He wants her out of the room so he can be with Jaace~
It struck a chord of fury inside him, and if he hadn’t been so debilitated by pain, he would have flung himself off the bed and onto the other boy in a rage. As it was, all he could do was gasp, “Screw you, Wayland.”
“Wayland, is it?” The amused look didn’t leave Jace’s face, but his hands went to his throat and began to unzip his jacket.
“No!” Simon shrank back on the bed.
Ahahaa! I told you they'd get to it!
“Come to think of it, I have something I need to discuss with Simon. In private.”
Yeah, don't interrupt them.
“In here,” he said, half-shoving Simon through the doorway... “We should have some privacy—”
"They were thin hands, the fingers and knuckles scuffed with old calluses. The backs of them were laced with the thin white lines of old Marks. They were a soldier’s hands, not a teenage boy’s.
Simon knows every detail.
He watched Aline touch Jace’s wrist with her fingers as she reached for a piece of apple, and felt himself tense. But this is what you want him to do, he told himself, and yet somehow he couldn’t get rid of the sense ... Jace met his eyes over Aline’s head and smiled.
Awhhh, look, he's jealous.
He thought of himself saying, I could have killed you. And Jace: I would have let you.
Come on, there's no way you can deny it now. ALL of the YA romance novels have this. Guy wants to kill you, but it's love. True LOVE. Same thing here.
Fine, fine. Let's talk about those similes. Oh, those similes.
The Mortal Instruments is simile after simile after simile.
No, I'm serious, Snape, I'm really serious. I don’t know how I never realized that that was my main problem with it.
Simile: a figure of speech that draws a comparison between two different things, especially a phrase containing the word "like" or "as," e.g. "as white as a sheet"
- Encarta Dictionary
The word ‘like’ appears 786 times in this book. ‘As’ appears 1066 times. Let’s say that 15% of the word ‘like’ and 15% of ‘as’ was not in a simile, so that at least takes 118 ‘like’ and 160 ‘as’ uses out. That leaves us with 668 uses of ‘like’ and 906 uses of ‘as’. Let’s say she used around… 15% of those together at times. 100+136 = 236. The remaining 568, and 770… that gives us 1574 similes in the entire book.
Hmmm… still seems like a rather large number, right? Let’s cut that down by 15% again. 1338 similes. I’ve taken 28% off the original. That should be about right… I hope.
Okay, there’s about 151,000 words in this book. If we pretend that all the sentences are … *counts words in random sentences* … let’s go with 30 words long (pretend the longest is 50 and shortest is 10), then that means there are around 5033 sentences in this book. Out of those, 1338 are similes. Which means that 27% of this book is filled with similes.
- I'm talking just about similes. As in a type of metaphor... I'm not going to try looking up all the metaphors.
- My math may be wrong, these are just guesses, and in reality, there maybe less. Or there may be more.
I thought I should compare the number of similes in this book to others of about the same length, but… that’s not really going to prove anything. Instead, I’ll give you some of the similes Clare uses, so you can understand what a pain it is to have 27% of this book be nothing but similes.
(You don't have to read these. You can just scroll down.)
1. He sounded like an adult talking to another adult.
2. There was a strange smell in the air, like ozone and burning.
3. Behind him strode Magnus, his cat eyes shining like metal in the hot Portal light that bathed the garden.
4. …the soft liquid noise brought him back to that terrible time with an immediacy that was like a dash of ice water in the face.
5. Her head popped up like a startled jack-in-the-box’s, her eyes flying open.
6. Jace didn’t take his eyes off Simon; there was an electric anger in his gaze, and a sort of challenge that made Simon long to hit him with something heavy. Like a pickup truck.
7. Something flat and hard and silvery like the surface of a mirror rose up in front of her. By the way, it’s a lake.
8. Scattered among the other buildings were the same tall, thin, glasslike towers, each one shimmering like quartz. They were like glass needles piercing the sky. The fading sunlight struck dull rainbows from their surfaces like a match striking sparks.
9. Simon had to hurry to keep pace as they passed a set of huge double doors, thrown wide open like wings.
10. The Inquisitor drooped like an unwatered flower.
11. The Inquisitor’s thin, worried voice rose like a balloon.
12. It went up faster than he’d thought it would; he let go of the paper as it burned, floating in midair like a firefly. Soon all that was left was a fine drift of ash, sifting like white powder across the rosebushes.
13. There was a crash—the sound of shattering—and a sudden spray of broken glass like a shower of jagged stars.
14. In his long dark coat and white shirt, under the pool of white light, he looked like a black-and-white illustration of a gentleman from a Victorian scrapbook.
Let's take a break.
Wonderful, aren't they? Aren't you happy I'm making you read these?
16. Clary woke to a sound like hailstones on a metal roof. Am I the only who thinks that wouldn’t be a sound, but SOUNDS, since it’s hailstones?
17. Sebastian’s face came alive, like a video flashing back to action after it had been paused.
18. Blue sparks glittered at the tips of his long fingers, and there was suddenly a sharp smell in the air, like burning.
19. His hair tickled her fingertips, not silky like Jace’s but fine and soft…
20. The fierce longing that had surged up in her so swiftly receded with a sharp recoil that was like an elastic band springing back.
21. Homesickness twisted in her gut like pain.
22. ...and then broke off, lifting his head, like a cat pricking up its ears at a distant sound.
23. Clary didn’t know when he’d drawn it, but it shone in the witchlight like a blade of ice.
24. Jace, standing beside her, spoke in a voice that cracked like broken glass.
25. Clary saw with a distracted, terrible pity that it had curling golden hair like Jace’s that shone dully in the light.
26. Its eyes were pits, its face slashed with scars, like a beautiful painting destroyed by vandals.
27. The desire in his eyes cracked into a thousand pieces like the shards of the Portal mirror at Renwick’s.
28. Isabelle’s whip came alive in her hand like the flaming sword of an avenging angel.
29. The runes on the blade shone like flashing lightning as she drove the dagger down.
30. Jace moved then the way he moved when he was fighting, like sunlight across water.
31. Clary ducked, covering her head with her hands, as glass rained down around her like tears.
If you care to know, I was barely past 1/4 of the book, when I started skipping pages for similes. All the ones up there were randomly selected.
"Reminiscent of the Harry Potter series and that's high praise!"
What a stupid thing to say. You can't win me over like that. That's INSULTING!
"A gorgeous fantasy that's so good it's dangerous."
I'm sorry, Holly Black, I've only read one book of yours and I think it was ... okay, but .... seriously, since you're best buds with this woman, why not try and give her better advice? Wouldn't you want to be an honest friend? Oh, wait, it's all about popularity, isn't it? Tsk, tsk.
"Hold on tight for a smart, sexy thrill ride."
Where's my Tylenol? Where's my coffee? Where's my chocolate? Oh, this is going to be painful. EDIT: AND IT WAS!
"A tale edged by lightning, driven by power and love."
TAMORA PIERCE? I've only heard good things about you... why... why... never mind. I'll just pretend I didn't see your name here.
"The Mortal Instruments series is a story world that I love to live in. Beautiful!"
Oh, go to hell, Stephenie Meyer. Anything you think is beautiful is definitely creepy and disgusting. EDIT: AND IT WAS!
Edit 3: S. Meyer, I would just like to apologize for telling you to go to hell. I think you're not as bad as Clare.
Notes are private!
Oct 03, 2011
Oct 18, 2011
Oct 03, 2011
Jan 01, 2008
Mar 25, 2008
--Warning: negative review--
(view spoiler)[I’m in a good mood. It’s such a beautiful day, isn’t it? All that sun and warmth and -- no? Well, it is whe...more --Warning: negative review--
(view spoiler)[I’m in a good mood. It’s such a beautiful day, isn’t it? All that sun and warmth and -- no? Well, it is where I am. Soo beautiful.
Okay, City of Ashes. I think I had something to say about that. Clare is a genius. Oh, she is such a genius.
So, we’ve got Harry Potter. And it has millions of fans. We've got Twilight, and that has millions of fans. They’re both different, the only thing that’s similar is their million fans. What Clare did was put a
How amazing. And what a beautiful day.
I ask anyone who agrees with the above to go eat some ice cream and chocolate and read a book. Shoo! Oh – wait, before you go: I liked Magnus in this one better than the last book. In this one, he didn’t uncharacteristically explode at a couple of teenagers he had just met. He only helped out – he was totally being used – and made stupid comments. In City of Bones, when he was first introduced, Clare farted after a few paragraphs and told us about how... uh... Magnus’s parents tried to drown him in a well?
Why is she so desperate to try and impress us with her characters? Make us feel something for them? Why can’t she wait a little and drop it when it might have more of an impact? Why? Do you have an answer? No? Okay, you can go now.
It’s a horrible day and I am pissed. I hereby declare this the WORST out there.
When people pick up Twilight, a lot of them would probably be expecting some kind of melodrama, and constant brooding and fail and shittery. Uh, well, maybe not when it first came out.
The Mortal Instruments, though, is something entirely different. I can’t fully describe it in words, so I’ll draw you some pictures.
This is Twilight:
And now this is TMI:
Looking at the Twilight drawing, you could probably understand something of the story. The Mortal Instruments one ... well, you see, there were faces there. There was a Clary, and a Jace -– which I hate to admit, I spent the most time on, especially his stupid hair –- and there was a Simon and a wolf and some black shadowy demon. Then I used one of those swirly tools, and they got all swirled up. Then I put words on it, and you could understand them, but then I put more, and more, and more, and now, as you can see, you can hardly make anything out. You might be able to spot some swearwords, but that was me expressing what I thought of the book. *lame explanation of lame art*
Anyways, there’s actually some meaning to this crap I’m telling you.
Clare has characters, yes, but they’re all... like a really horrible dish with all the wrong ingredients, where you can’t make out the taste of ANYTHING you put in there. Ever made one of those? No? I did once.
If someone removed all the names from the dialogue, I don’t think I’d be able to distinguish one character from another. Hey, I had to re-read some stuff at times because I wasn’t sure who said it, even when there were names. There’s nothing special or unique about any of her characters, except for their looks.
Wait, did I just say looks? HA. Remembered something:
“...boy was all white and gold … the same way of walking, like a panther on the lookout for prey..."If I’m not wrong, in the first book, he used to get compared to a lion. Which, I guess makes sense. Here, though, he’s white and gold, but he’s a panther. I see a panther as meaning a black panther, and that’s the image that I think would go to a lot of people’s heads.
Oh, and here’s another one:
"Who has called me here across the worlds?" Agramon demanded in a voice like shattering glass.Okay. His voice is like shattering glass, apparently. Does that mean that every time he talks, glass shatters? Like, “Who – *window smashes* – has – *wine glass breaks* – called -- *bottle gets thrown against the wall* – me…”
How can the whole entire question and the one after it be said in a voice like shattering glass? Maybe, as Mello suggested, he has glass in his throat.
"His were the color of black coffee— not really black, but a rich brown without a touch of gray or hazel."Clare, if you say black coffee, I understand that you don’t mean BLACK. It’s coffee. Then you say ‘rich brown’ and I understand that too. Then you add gray and hazel, and my mind gets fucked up. Where did gray and hazel come from? So, did the coffee have milk in it or cream? How much sugar was in there?
Who the fuck said anything about gray and hazel? What makes you think I was going to say he had gray or hazel eyes? Or brown black dark coffee-ish eyes? Are you trying to tell me that you yourself DON’T KNOW?
This book is full of things like that. After a while, I just ignored it. Every image she conjures up first gets ruined a sentence later. I think, and I could be wrong but I doubt it, that Clare doesn’t think much about what she writes – she just wants her sentences to look fancy and poetic and striking and imaginative – and comes out making it all confusing. It stops the imagination of the reader. Horrible thing to do to your readers.
At least, I mean, at the least, try to see if what you wrote makes sense. If you can’t describe it the way you want to, and the details would end up being too much, just DON’T PUT IT IN there. I can do that part by myself. Isn’t this supposed to be about me imagining the story in my head? Why do you have to butt in all the time and ruin it? That makes you a bad author. If it’s not going to take away from the plot, or add to it, what the hell, just throw it out! I can give the demon a voice in my head, I can give Simon the darkest of brown eyes and there would be no confusion.
I really need to say something about Clare’s horrible way of keeping with her character’s point of view as their POINT OF VIEW. I’m sure a lot of people have pointed it out, but really, it’s so painful to read, I have to mention it.
So, we’ll be talking about Clary. I’m assuming we see things from Clary’s eyes, not her head, though we do get her thoughts, but sort of where we see her face, and we see what she sees. Right? Right. Let’s say Jace walks in, and Clary is now looking at Jace.
Then, for some insane reason, we’re told about Magnus, who is sitting somewhere else in the room, and about something he did that has nothing to do with that’s happening now.
Oh, there’s this one part where Jace is in a cell, and he’s looking at the bars or whatever in front of him. Then we get this:
The hair on the back of his neck stood up, sharp as needles.How do we know about this? Why do we suddenly see the back of Jace’s head? Are we seeing things from right above the back of his head? How does he feel his hair being as sharp as needles? Is his hand on the back of his head? Was he so curious to feel what his hair was like when it was standing, that a time when the prison was being broken into, his hand was on his head?
I know this might not seem like much, but seriously, there are parts when we’re with a character that doesn’t know someone or is in an unfamiliar place, and suddenly, they’ll be having thoughts about how one character thought this was funny or that was funny or something stupid like that – but we’re told that they DON’T KNOW THEM. If you don’t know them, then how can you make assumptions about what the other people are like?
That part of the narration isn’t coming from the character, it’s coming from the author, and it JUST doesn’t fit.
Another example. Isabelle is standing near some fountain. We’re told about her hair, the weather, the moon, the light, the cold, Isabelle, beauty, black – something like that, and suddenly, it’s Clary thinking of Isabelle. I’d been thinking we were looking DOWN on the scene from the sky, since there was so much about the surroundings and the AREA Isabelle was standing on – Clary was walking towards Isabelle, and I’m assuming it was quite a distance if she had time to think all that, but still, how does she see her hair and her outfit and the leaves at her feet and what not? Someone tell me, am I... am I just not getting something about that?
Clare, can you please, please, STICK to one person when you decide to shift into their heads or eyes or the back of their heads or the eyes on the back of their head? PLEASE?
Clare while she’s writing:
Simon’s time. Oh, I just HAVE to tell them what Clary was doing there, haha, they’ll like it, really. Okay, Jace part now, I know how much they all love Jace, so I’ll describe his golden hair and eyes and angst once more – oh, wait, I know, I’ll throw in half of the previous dialogue as well, I have to make it relevant. Lolzy, polzy, they’d wanna know what Magnus was doing. They HAVE to know about that. Really – oh, and Alec. Precious Alec. I have to put him in – I know how much they like my wonderful gay characters. I put it in there for that exact reason. They’d wanna read about Isabelle’s beauty. Of course, she’s so beautiful – oh, but wait, that part should beIf YOU want to take over and tell us about the story, just do that instead. It will be much simpler on you and us. Even now, there are so many parts that just don’t fit, and to that, I say, “Clare couldn’t keep herself out of her own story.” People say Clare is Clary, but I personally think it’s all her characters. It kind of shows, you know. That’s why they’re all so shitty.
I mean, the only half-decent one in this book is Magnus – just in this one, not the previous – and he ends up with Alec. Alec is SO BORING. I think Magnus could do better.
What’s he doing with that boring dishonest person? Did he just wake up one day stuck with him, because Clare wants it like that? Poor warlock.
Back to what I was saying. If Twilight had grammatical mistakes, and it sucked to be in Bella’s head, at least there was that sulky/mopey/dreary flow to it. This writing is ALL over the place. It’s confusing, and it hurts my head to try and comprehend. So combine Clare’s writing to her plot = horrible.
Oh, yeah. Plot. Wanna talk about plot?
Guess what? That’s the plot. Talking about plot is the plot.
It was all about what happened and what will happen and what could happen and then it’s melodrama, melodrama, blah, blah, kissing, sparkling, and some more melodrama, and then talk, talk, talk.
Clary: Jace. Jace. Jace. Oh, Simon. Lips. Mmm.
Simon: Puke. Clary. Mm.
Jace: Angst. Angst. Mope. Clary. Mope. Angst. Haha.
Clary: Simon? Simon? Oh, blood juice. Suck. Jace! Yum. Mmmm.
Jace: Clary! Mmmm.
Isabelle, Simon: Puke. More Puke.
Simon: *transformation* Vampire. Fangs. Hurrah. I’m sexy now. Clary?
Clary: SIMON! Mmm. Jace – fuck off. I’m punishing myself.
Jace: Growl. Mope. Angst. Daaaaddy!
Valentine: blah, blah, blah. Ship.
Clary: Blah. Blah. Blah. JACE! SIMON!
Jace: blah, blah, blah.
Simon: Yo, Valentino. I’m cool now. See, I’m handsome. I got these powers, and I got these looks, and I got this body that’s so hot – even Jace wants me – and now, now, I can totally beat you with my hotness.
Clary: Ooooh, Simon. Oooh, Jace. So much hotness. *sudden
Valentine: Wtf? *disapparates*
*unknown characters get killed*
Clary: Oh sadness. People I didn’t know died. OH NO. Sun coming up. Simon and his hotness dying! NOOOO!
Me: It’s not gonna happen, dumbass. I bet my arm and leg. If Clare wanted to kill any of her characters, she would’ve done that somewhere else and in another place, and during one of those million other times that Simon should and could’ve died. Now? After some stupid battle and in the back of a truck? No. And if she wasn’t trying to surprise us with something stupid, she would’ve made Clary find a way to build a wall or something, or Jace sprout wings, or bring apparation into the story.
Simon: blah, blah, Clary, Mmm. Love.
Jace: blah, blah, blah.
Clary, Jace, everyone else: OOOH SIMON SPARKLES! HE DOESN’T DIE IN THE SUN! THIS IS LIKE TWILIGHT BUT BETTER BECAUSE SIMON IS NOT EDWARD AND THIS IS CASSANDRA CLARE AND NOT STEPHENIE MEYER – HAH! AWESOME!
Oh, god. Seriously. How is this any different than Twilight? Because the female character in this one can throw knives, you say?
I think you can tell how much I hate Jace by just looking at my status updates. I also made this picture of the fucking jerkface:
There’s not much I like about Simon, either – I mean, now that he’s all sparkly and graceful like Jerkface. Or Alec. Or Isabelle. They’re so empty and lifeless and fake and just so... unreal.
Clary, though, is the most lifeless of all.
In order to prove that she’s a strong female character, we’re shown how she, uh... throws knives and leaps like a cat. I’m not even gonna talk about her rune-making abilities.
Instead, I’ll talk about Haruko Akagi. She’s a character from Slam Dunk. There’s nothing really special about her. She’s not fast or very intelligent or super cute or even a good basketball player. She’s just normal. She has a crush on one of the basketball players, Lukawa. The guy is not a jerk. The guy is not a show off. He’s just really good looking and plays basketball really well. He’s a hero of their team. She’s loved him for a long time, and she has made a fool of herself for him a few times.
When Haruko realizes that Lukawa will never spare a glance her way, that he doesn’t have room for anyone or anything in his head except basketball, she feels sad, but then wipes her tears, and tosses the idea out of her mind. She doesn’t hate him. She doesn’t break down and beat herself up or feel sorry for herself. She just accepts it, that Lukawa and her = not gonna happen.
I liked Lukawa. He was cold and weird and rude, but not because he hated people, he was just like that. After that happened, though, and I saw how well Haruko took it, I thought, “He doesn’t deserve you.” Haruko doesn’t change herself for Lukawa to notice her, and she doesn’t find faults in herself or Lukawa to explain why they can’t be together. She just walks away, and focuses on other important matters. All that time spent loving him, and she’s able to just let it go.
Clare, that’s a strong female character. That’s someone I can really respect. She has no physical strength, but she’s strong. I’d mention a few from FMA, but they’re all so amazing, it won’t even be worth comparing.
Yay May Chang!
YAY Mustan—Oh, he’s a guy, haha. Okay, okay, I’ll stop now.
I don’t care if Clary can throw knives even though she’s so tiny, I don’t care that she has a very hard grip for someone who’s so tiny, and I don’t care that no one could destroy the ship or open that prison door but precious little Clary did it with her rune-making – while still being tiny.
She SUCKS. She has no fucking personality, she has no mind, and she has no soul. You can drown her, trap her, put her in physical pain, kill her off in the most brutal way and I won’t FEEL anything for her. She’s nothing.
Oh, and there’s something I want to say about Isabelle.
WHAT THE FUCK LADY?
How could you trap your little brother in the room when you go off to some mission that you don’t even know when you’re going to return from? Isabelle can beat up demons and men and anyone who comes her way – and she’ll mercilessly trap her little brother in the room because she wants to and because she can. Was Clare trying to make it funny? That’s not funny, that’s cruel.
Speaking of funny, isn't it funny that most of Clare’s main characters escape all kinds of dangerous situations and are not hurt too badly? I’ll give you an example. When Simon and Maia were taken by Valentine, Maia had half of her braids ripped off.
“He could see where her braids had been torn away from her scalp on one side, her hair matted with blood.”
Then Luke gets his leg snapped in half. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. He’s a werewolf, he can heal, and same with Maia. But that’s exactly the problem, isn’t it? She’ll take her liberty with torturing them, because oh, they heal up pretty fast. Jace however, escapes anything that will slow him down, and the most injuries he gets are some bloody wrists. The characters that were mean to Jace in the beginning of the book or somewhere in the middle? Yep, they get punished by Clare. They get killed off. Oh, and the Silent Brothers? Haha, no one cares about them, so she kills them in order to show us how villainous her villain is, but that same villain couldn't end up killing a vampire.
In order to prove to us that this was indeed a war, and something serious, Clare makes sure that NONE of her main characters die, except for those that were given a line or two of description in the book. Like that one Malik dude. Who was he again? And we’re supposed to feel sad that he died in the book. This Shadowhunter apparently came all the way from the land of Shadowhunters to join the battle, but he died because it was such a terrible war.
The parents got hurt, all the adults got killed, Maia was beat up – did you see HOW BADLY? Yeah, see, that’s serious stuff. Jace, Simon, Clary, Alec, Isabelle, Magnus, and all your favorite people – well, you know, they’re much too powerful to get hurt that bad. They’re smart, they avoided most of the damage. Shows you just how much strength these characters posses, eh?
Oh, Clare, you fail so much.
Aaaaand, where's my chocolate? *looks around*
Notes are private!
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 14, 2011
Aug 06, 2011
Jan 01, 2006
Sep 06, 2006
Review Also Here.
Oct/1/2013: There’s a paragraph in this review where I talk about how S. Meyer should go see a psychologist. Looking back at it now,...more
Review Also Here.
Oct/1/2013: There’s a paragraph in this review where I talk about how S. Meyer should go see a psychologist. Looking back at it now, it was rude and unnecessary. It has nothing to do with Meyer’s writing, just what she made her characters show or say. I don’t like it at all, and no, I'm not saying this because of any GRs policy. It's just something that I don't approve of now. I would remove it, but I don’t want to pretend that I never said it. So please try to ignore it if it bothers you, and I’m very sorry.
I think I read Twilight during 2008, and I was really, really frustrated with it. That’s why I still haven’t read New Moon. But then, I've read other horrible books, and I've survived, so how bad can this be, right?
It can’t be that bad.
So I got my chocolate, got the book, got comfy, and started reading.
New Moon: The Zombification of Bella Swan.
This is the story of Bella, Jacob, and Edward.
We all know Bella Swan, the miserable whiny girl living in Forks, the rainiest little place in the world. In this book, her sparkly little Edward decides to pack his bags and leave all of sudden, saying he doesn’t want to be with her anymore.
He leaves Bella in a forest, under a new moon, and she stays there, in shock, unable to move...
And she turns into a zombie.
Now, I don’t read much about zombies, so I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I do have some theories.
Remember when James bit her hand? I think the poison from that was left dormant in her palm, and with Edward Cullen around, the man who pulled out the venom, it didn’t do much because it was scared of his presence. However, that poison or venom wasn’t enough to turn Bella into a vampire, so instead, it turns her into a zombie when Edward leaves. As the name of the book shows, the new moon played a huge part in this process.
Lying under a new moon for so long, and with Edward Cullen gone, the poison activates, and starts taking control of Bella’s body.
She even gets a hole in her chest. That hole is there because Edward Cullen leaves – and we know that it was Eddie who pulled out the poison, right? And it was his presence that made the poison stay in Belly’s palm, right? So, now that Edward is gone, the poison travels to Bella’s chest, and it starts to burn a hole there. The hole is so painful, that Bella needs to clutch her chest to keep it in place.
It’s serious stuff, and nobody knows about it.
Otherwise, why else would Bella not remember 4 months of her life? That’s all because of the zombification process. Poor Bella doesn’t give up though. She knows that it’s Edward’s fault and she decides to find a way to bring him back.
The last thing Edward tells Bella is that she should keep herself safe. It’s easy for that moron to say, not knowing what he caused her. Bella fights the zombie part of her body, and decides to go see Jacob.
As we all know – I mean, siriusly, who doesn’t? – that Jacob Black is a
Anyways, Jacob Black doesn’t actually turn into a werewolf during a new moon or a full moon – but, they do have the power to minimize the effect of the poison in a person’s body. See, it all makes sense. New moon, full moon, werewolves, wolves, Jacob, zombies – It’s all connected. Bella figures that out, and to find a way to get rid of the zombie inside her, she hangs around Jacob, who also makes the hole in her chest less painful.
She doesn’t forget about Edward though, and she needs revenge. So she puts herself in danger by riding motorcycles and jumping off cliffs in order to alert Edward in some way.
Her genius plan works, and Alice the future seer thinks that Bella committed suicide.
Now, here’s the thing. You all know those Volturi, right? They’re the ones who want Alice and Edward on their side. It was actually them. It’s all their fault, because they’re the bad guys. The Volturi were told by Victoria that Edward and Alice are like, super strong, so the Volturi wanted to find a way to get them on their side. They sent that one dude, who can... um... what was it? Make a person not feel anything? Alex? Okay, they had sent Alex to make Edward not feel anything, so then he had no feelings towards Bella – which is why he left. Alice is a little smarter, because she can tell the future, so she went off with Jasper. However, when she sees Bella commit suicide, she hurries off to tell Edward – I mean, you can’t ignore a relationship of six
When Edward hears that, the effects of Alex’s magic wear off, and he realizes that he had loved Bella all along, and that it was the Volturi’s fault that he left her. He decides to beat the crap out of them.
He can’t do that by himself though, and he wouldn’t listen to Alice, so Alice rushes to Forks, to warn Bella.
When Bella finds out that the Volturi and Victoria were behind the whole mess, she decides to go along with Alice to help Edward out. Alice phones up the rest of her family, and they prepare themselves. Jacob doesn’t want Bella to leave, and he’s not very fond of vampires. He also knows that it’s possible Bella could get killed. He decides to go help the Cullen family, because then he would at least get to kill some vampires.
They have to take planes to Italy, but after that, the Cullen family make their way down to Volterra with their insane speed, and Jacob morphs into a wolf and carries Bella with him. They arrive in less than five minutes, and an epic battle ensues.
Ah, who am I kidding? I lied. None of this happens. Well, okay, some of it does... but... I don’t want to talk about that right now.
New Moon reads like a troubled teenager’s diary. A very depressed teenager’s diary. A teenager who has been through many traumatic experiences, a teenager who has a very deep past, or doesn’t have a home, or has lost someone precious, either to war, disease, or simply lost everything that was ever his or hers.
Bella is none of those. She has her friends, she has her family, she has a very peaceful neighborhood, she has food on her plate, she has a house to live in, she has clothes to wear – she has everything that a person needs to be alive.
No, Edward doesn’t count. It's been long since I read Twilight, but if I remember right, they knew each other for about six months. Just that one person doesn’t become everything in that short amount of time. Even if it was one year – I don’t care. If Edward was the only thing she ever knew, then yes, it would be a little more acceptable. Why is a teenager who has everything she needs so damn depressed? If this was about Bella getting better, finding a way to get over Edward, it still would’ve been okay. But as soon as she feels better, she goes back and punishes herself.
What was wrong with S. Meyer? Has she been through something traumatic in her life that no one knows about? Is this her way of talking about it, by putting her pain into a character who simply lost a sparkly man she’d known for six months? Has anyone suggested S. Meyer see a psychologist?
Go back to your copy of New Moon and take a look at some of those sentences. They’re so dark, you’d think there’s something really serious going on, or going to happen soon, but all you get is that? Bella’s loss of her boyfriend?
It doesn’t even fit her personality. She hates herself! She thinks she doesn’t deserve Edward. So now that the moron actually left her, she’s sad?
“Edward, I’m the worst person you could ever find stumbling across this planet, but I love you, and even though you deserve better than me – no, you most definitely deserve someone better than me, I want you to love me. No! I don’t believe you! You don’t love me, but please don’t leave me! I love you, Edward!”
This isn’t an exact quote, but that’s practically how Bella feels. WTF? How does that make any sense? HOW?
Now, there are books where the characters are so stupid and dumb, you want to reach in and strangle them. Then there are books where the characters are so stupid and dumb, you don’t take anything of what they say seriously. You can easily tune them out.
But then there are characters who tell you they’re stupid, who know they’re stupid, but still go on saying deep shit like the world hasn’t treated anyone worse than them.
Bella alone I can handle. I can tune out her stupid thoughts, I can laugh at her dumb Romeo and Juliet comparison, but Bella with people, friends, and around her family... good lord.
She’s such a bitch to everyone, but she still expects others to treat her like she’s the queen of the world. And when they don’t, when they give her exactly what she deserves, she says it’s not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR!
Bella, you miserable piece of shit, you don’t make the rules in Charlie’s house. You don’t befriend someone just so they can distract you from other things, and when you treat someone with disrespect, when you ditch them in the middle of a movie that you suggested in the first place, you give them a damn apology. People aren’t just there for you, you need to be there for them as well. You DO NOT take advantage of them and then toss them away. And don't you dare tell me I'm being unfair!
It’ll be a long time till Eclipse. (less)
Notes are private!
Jun 29, 2011
Jul 02, 2011
Jun 29, 2011
Oct 13, 2009
Everything in this review is my own personal opinion. Okay? Okay.
I read this book with a very open mind.
It was so open, in fact, that whatever went...more Everything in this review is my own personal opinion. Okay? Okay.
I read this book with a very open mind.
It was so open, in fact, that whatever went in simply found its way back out.
I did that so I wouldn't have to think too much about the contents of this book. For my brain, you know.
There were a few things that stayed in there for a bit longer than I would've liked.
Ugh, I hate them.
That's all I really wanted to say for the review, but then I found a few things in my notes -- not in my head, but in my notes -- so I'll just add them here:
"… We should sneak into the front office. It would all be in his student file." --> adding something to the plot, so it's not just sitting in the classroom and having weird conversations with a jerk.
"We are NOT sneaking into the front office." --> someone has to say no, but maybe this was there to make the readers side with Vee. Since everyone hates her.
"I could create a diversion. I'm good at diversions. No one would see you go in. We could be like spies." --> Of course, there has to be a character that's good at diversions.
"We are NOT spies." --> Author trying to put in some reason, but we all know it's for nothing.
"Do you know his last name?" Vee asked --> Do I care to know?
"No." --> Uhuh.
"Do you know anything about him?" --> No, we know nothing about him. The author needed to put this in because we readers are so stupid, we need something to help us REALIZE that, OH! There's actually more to Patch! Other than good looks, omg hawtness, and being a jerk. Seriously. Wow.
"No. And I'd like to keep it that way." --> We all know by now that Nora is an idiot and a liar, not only to herself but to everyone else. Even though I really don't want to think too much about this book, I can't help myself here. This is pretty insulting. First of all, Nora is worse than the person who can admit that they are interested. It makes women appear weaker, as though all we really do is lie to ourselves, especially when a man is involved. Well, if that's the case, no wonder nobody listens to Nora. No wonder she doesn't know how to simply say, "No."
Okay, I'm gonna stop there and not go any further, or I'll be going into a few depressing topics that involve women around the world.
Ahem, moving on.
"Oh, come on. You love a good mystery, and it doesn't get better than this." --> Author wants to take this opportunity to present the whole plot to us, and tell us that there's more mystery coming -- oh, wait, you mean this is supposed to be MYSTERIOUS?
"The best mysteries involve a dead body. We don't have a dead body." --> Uh… so we are going to get a dead body? Subtle, isn't it?
Vee squealed. "Not yet!" --> Oh, my. The Suspense.
When I was reading this conversation between Nora and Vee, I thought... Could this be the author talking to herself? I read it twice, and after that, every time Vee and Nora were having a conversation, I imagined two sides of the author's head battling out a problem in the plot, but instead of resolving it, she just decided to put the whole thing in there.
I have one thing for Patch, Vee, Nora and the whole book:
Die in the hottest of flames.
Notes are private!
May 30, 2011
Apr 17, 2011
Mar 27, 2007
Longer review, in case this one gets deleted, here.
Clare's fanfic titles:
Yes, that last one says the Mortal Instruments. And yes, it was about Ron an...more Longer review, in case this one gets deleted, here.
Clare's fanfic titles:
Yes, that last one says the Mortal Instruments. And yes, it was about Ron and Ginny.
--Warning: negative review--
Before you leave me comments about your love for Clare and how I need to understand this poor flawed favourite author of yours, do me a favour and check the other comments. Chances are that many others have asked or told me the same thing, and I have already responded to it.
What Cla(i)re did in the past:
I'm going to start deleting comments. Unless you have something proper to say, politely, don't comment. Thanks.
I don't like this book, and I don't like Clare's writing style, or her characters, or her, and if you're a fan and you read this, you might get offended or hurt. So don't.
There’s going to be some yelling and hissing. I’m sorry.
Let's take a look at our characters:
Luke: I’m like Lupin, but you know, cooler. Harry Potter wasn’t cool enough, Star Wars wasn’t cool enough, so I came along to make it cooler. I’m a werewolf, but no one knows that. I’m in love with Clary’s mother, because she’s so special. I used to be like, Valentine’s best friend, but then I found out he was evil and all, so I became a good guy.
(Do you see what’s happening there? It’s like James Potter’s gang and the Death Eater gang put together. Smart, eh?)
Clary: Omg, I have no friends, because all the girls I know are so different than me, and I’m special. Simon is the only one who hangs out with me, and he’s like, a total nerd. I tell him he’s my best friend, when really, I don’t give a shit.
Jace: I’m like, the best demon hunter out there. I wear, like, leather pants and fight with daggers. I’m like, a total Draco Malfoy – except, with leather pants and I’m a good guy. I have, like, a wand, but it’s not a wand, because that’s like Harry Potterish, and we’re like, the cooler crowd, and we use like, steles. My dad was like, totally abusive and shit, but I’m like, totally in love with him. He was a great man. I’m an asshole to everyone, and I love Clary... because she’s special.
Simon: I have a lot of friends. We’re all geeks, we’re in a band, we play video games and have fun, but I’d rather just hang out with Clary because... she’s special, and I love her. I’d do anything for her, because I love her, because she’s so special and... special.
Isabelle: I wear skirts, I carry a whip, and I’m so beautiful. I love myself and everyone loves me because I’m so beautiful – EXCEPT for Clary. I hate Clary. She’s so special, and that makes me jealous of her. Yeah, I don’t hate her because she has no personality and is the most unintelligent thing walking on this planet – I hate her because she’s so small with red hair and the same name as the author and JACE freaking WAYLAND likes her. How can I not be jealous? Clary has everything. I just go around kill demons and shit with fucking style, but I’m not special like Clary. *sad face*
Alec: I’m jealous of Clary. I’m jealous of her because Jace likes her and not me. I love Jace. *sad face*
(I forgot to draw Magnus on there. Sorry.)
Magnus: I’m like the only decent character in this book. Everyone else is just too fucking weird and special – BUT OH WAIT. I HAVE A VERY DEEP PAST. My parents tried to kill me and my mom tried to kill herself, and I’m a warlock and I try to act all happy and cheerful and sarcastic and cool and witty, but I HAVE A DEEP PAST. I told Jace and the others as soon as they walked in my door – I had to tell them to prove to you that I’m a very well developed character – three dimensional and all!
One of the things I really hate about this book is just how stupid it makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell Clare was trying to do.
There are parts where it actually feels like the book is trying to tell you that it knows you're reading. Does that make sense? No, obviously not. It's like Clare knows you're reading, and she's commenting on parts as you're reading. She should use footnotes or something.
If you want to know what color the eyes of the electric blue haired guy were - you needn't worry, she'll tell you, even if Clary is standing a long distance away and probably facing his back. If you want to know what the gold haired guy's name and job is, don't worry, Clare will tell you. Even if it makes no sense for the characters to explain to their enemy who they are and why they're killing him/her.
"Demons," drawled the blond boy, tracing the word on the air with his finger. "Religiously defined as hell's denizens, the servants of Satan, but understood here, for the purposes of the Clave, to be any malevolent spirit whose origin is outside our own home dimension—"
"Nobody here needs a lesson in semantics—or demonology."
Good lord, every time I read that I just face palm myself so hard it hurts. Yeah, tie up a demon and then tell him all that while he tries to escape.
"They return to their home dimensions when they die," said Jace. "In case you were wondering."
Shut the fuck up, book. Shut up. SHUT UP. To me, that screams something like, HEY CHECK IT OUT, AREN'T YOU INTERESTED? ARE YOU IMPRESSED?
"Have you had dealings with demons, little girl? Walked with warlocks, talked with the Night Children? Have you—"
"My name is not 'little girl,'" Clary interrupted. "And I have no idea what you're talking about."
They'll tell you about all their lessons, because of course, you're curious, and Clare can't wait to brag about her world. She'll tell you about the food at the restaurant, all the interesting looking characters' issues and personal back stories, when you should really be worried about the main character's mother.
Oh, right. SHE'S not worried. Besides, look at all the hot guys and interesting characters! Aren't they hilarious and cool and badass? Clare will insert quotes from a lot of famous works, she'll put in Spanish, Italian, Romanian, Indian - and she'll tell you all about them right there, even if they don't really have much to do with the plot.
I read all three books, and I read this book TWICE, but I still have no fucking clue how this whole Shadowhunter world and the Clave business works. Whatever. I don't care anymore, and I don't want to care anymore, and I never want to pick up this stupid, stupid book again. I hate the characters, I hate the writing, I hate the plot, I hate everything about it.
From Draco Veritas (Fan Fiction):
The falcon did not like Draco, and Draco didn't like it either. Its sharp beak made him nervous, and its bright eyes always seemed to be watching him. It would slash at him with beak and talons when he came near: for weeks, his wrists and hands were always bleeding. He did not know it, but his father had selected a falcon that had lived in the wild for over a year, and thus was nearly impossible to tame. But Draco tried, because his father had told him to make the falcon obedient, and he wanted to please his father.
When Draco was six years old, his father had given him a bird to carry his mail. The other children Draco knew had friendly owls, or the occasional bluebird, but Draco's father gave him a falcon, with bright black eyes and a beak that curved like the mark on a Sickle.
... Harry realizes that what Draco has been saying all this time into his neck is really the simplest litany of all: his name, just his name.
From City of Bones:
When the boy was six years old, his father gave him a falcon to train.
The falcon didn't like the boy, and the boy didn't like it, either. Its sharp beak made him nervous, and its bright eyes always seemed to be watching him. It would slash at him with beak and talons when he came near: for weeks, his wrists and hands were always bleeding.
He smelled of salt and blood, and only when his mouth came close to her ear did she understand what he was saying, what he had been whispering before, and it was the simplest litany of all: her name, just her name.
If the fan fiction is hers, and she later turned it into a book, where's the problem?
First of all, the fan fiction was based on something else, like Harry Potter for example. In this fan fiction, she used passages, quotes and ideas from all over the place, and didn't cite them. She decided to take that and turn it into a book. She changed the names, tweaked a few things here and there, then called it the City of Bones.
Is it her original work? Hell no. Am I going to think about her plagiarism every time I see her name? Yup.
City of Ashes.
City of Glass. (hide spoiler)]["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
Notes are private!
Mar 25, 2011
Jan 27, 2012
Mar 25, 2011
Jan 01, 2005
Sep 06, 2006
New Moon Review.
I only read this book because of how many times 'Harry Potter' pops up when people are talking about it. So, I started the book and I...more New Moon Review.
I only read this book because of how many times 'Harry Potter' pops up when people are talking about it. So, I started the book and I knew it was going to be about vampires.
I was expecting something amazing to happen because ... well, it was compared to Harry Potter and amazing things happen in Harry Potter.
About three chapters in I started to wonder why the character is so boring and annoying.
About ten chapters in I started to wonder if I got the right BOOK - I mean, it's being compared to Harry Potter, maybe I got a different book by the name of Twilight. I actually googled it and checked the name and spelling of the author's name... but no, I had the right book.
Then I started falling asleep. I was getting frustrated with this Bella, and with this Edward, and their stupid talks about love and danger and beauty and I don't know what.
When I finished the book, I was ready to rip it to pieces and throw it in the trash can - but it was a library book. Thank goodness I didn't buy it.(less)
Notes are private!
Jun 25, 2009
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