So I recently finished playing DMC Devil May Cry. It’s a game about a Nephilim, half angel half demon, dude who’s a demon hunting vigilante, pretty much an arrogant asshole, and doesn’t take shit from anyone. He looks like this:
And his name is Dante. Ring a bell?
Do I need to tell you the reason why I even picked up this book?
Well, if you didn’t catch my drift, the Book Dante seems to be a perfect replica of the Game Dante. I have had a crush on the Game Dantes (yes, there is more than one Dante – the original and the reboot, and you are seeing the pictures of the reboot) for about five years now, and I’ve been wanting to read some fan-fiction about them for ages.
Book Dante should have been a good replacement for Game Dante. And he was for about half the book, before things went horribly wrong. However, The Collector barely managed to scratch my DMC itch. But that’s a story for another time.
I started this book thinking that I will simply replace Book Dante with Game Dante. The female lead’s name will be Kat. She is a Wiccan graffiti artist who opens gates into Limbo (a parallel world between Hell and Earth where demons go bump in the night) and she looks like this:
Copyright you say?? Nonsense.
So having the characters already sorted out, I was ready for some fun! And it was for, I repeat, half the book. You will hear me say this a lot by the by. The good half, and the bad half. *sigh*
Anywhoo, Book Dante was fun! Victoria Scott sure did a good job with him. He made me laugh out loud. Really laugh out loud not just the meh lough out loud. The dude is an entertaining fucker. Let me give you some of my most favorite quotes. I’ll write them between the spoiler code because, you know, spoilers and shit. (view spoiler)[
Apparently Charlie doesn’t have a car. “But don’t worry,” she tells me, “we can walk to school from here.” Thrilling. It’ll only take a few lifetimes, what with her limp and all.
“Dante, this is Annabelle.” No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is…beastly. “Annabelle,” I say. “It suits you.”
The beauty behind the table gets up and saunters toward me. I have to stop myself from shoving Charlie out of the way.
Some people say the Amex Black card is a myth. Those people are also referred to as poor. Even thinking the word makes me itch.
If Charlie doesn’t dig my get up, I’ll expose her for what she is: asexual.
“In this trunk,” she says with a serious face, “is God’s gift to women.” “Chocolate?” “No.” “Midol?” “What? No.” “Tampons.” “Stop guessing,”
I did like Dante. I mean yum. Sure, I still have the image of the Game Dante in my mind but Book Dante’s personality is there. He’s funny, and charming, and most importantly evil. But there are many things that bothered me about this book, Dante and Charlie, the female lead.
Number one, he starts being attracted to KatCharlie after she changes her looks. Sure, he keeps on mentioning that he misses her old self blah blah blah no one gives a shit but that doesn’t change the fact that he feels like touching her hair or skin only after she changes them into something more “beautiful”.
Number two, there is no way in Hell such a “playa” would fall for someone like Charlie. I mean the girls is all right, if you’re into below average looking girls – hey don’t give me that look, it’s how she’s described by the author – but Dante’s feelings are not really justified. Yeah she’s got a good soul and she might be the next Jesus, ridding the world of evil and all that (creepy), but his nature wouldn’t allow him to fall for such a girl. Not that hard at least. And not that fast! The big bad L word popped up so fast I could not believe my eyes.
“I love you, Dante. I’ve loved you from the start.” “Why?” “Because I see you. Even though you try so hard to hide, I see you, anyway.”
Gag. I mean really. Gag. If I only knew that things will get even worse later on..
Charlie is an OK character, not too bad, not to good. She would make a perfect YA contemporary romance lead. My problem with her is that she’s too damn plain. She’s supposedly “speshul” because the author tells you so. She did not do anything special in this book, she did not show her powers, she didn’t do anything useful. That’s why I’m insisting on Dante’s feelings not making sense. There’s nothing much to fall for.
I will protect this girl with everything I have, because if something happens to her, I will lose myself. I will cease to exist. And I will take everyone with me.
You see, this shit is what gets me angry. A character as cool and as evil as Dante would never go that low. What the hell?!
I pull my hands away from my face, because I have to see her face. I have to see how she’s looking at me now that she knows. When I do, I can no longer stop the tears. They crash over my cheeks and free-fall to the ground. Because her face.
He is acting like a love-struck teenage girl, ladies and gents. Gather round and throw some rotten tomatoes at his head, maybe he’ll snap out of it.
God these things piss me off. You had such a great character and you cut off his balls like this. The whole book is ruined for me and I sure as hell won’t even go near book two. I don’t want to witness more useless fucking drama between Dante and Charlie. I simply don’t.
The Collector had the perfect start of being a very good and entertaining book. If only Victoria Scott had Dante fight some crazy demons or something, removed Charlie and removed the stupid romance. A badass book, I tell you. Oh well, too late for that.
Rating points: Dante: first half – 4 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average - 2 stars Charlie: first half – 2 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average - 1 star Story: first half – 3 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 1.5 stars Lolz: first half – 5 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 2.5 stars Demon hunting: first half – 0 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 0 stars ---------------------------------- Average score: 1.4 stars
It all starts with a story of a lonely girl moving to a cold rainy town. She’s supposed to be with her dad, whom she doesn’t really like. She’s a shy...moreIt all starts with a story of a lonely girl moving to a cold rainy town. She’s supposed to be with her dad, whom she doesn’t really like. She’s a shy girl, doesn’t have any friends or any boobs. Her new truck looks like a drunken lobster, and her school seems like a prison full of weird country kids. It all seems to lead her towards suicide until one day when she sees the most perfect being in the universe. He is the Master of the Universe. Lots of teenage angst filled pages later they kiss and decide to be together forever. Even if it involves multiple satanic rituals, our emo girl stops at nothing in order to be with her Master. Until one day when madness possesses him, and he twists her neck, drains her blood and buries her in his back yard. Now the emo girl’s spirit haunts Yung Adult books and is aiming even higher. She’s aiming for Erotic Romance novels!
I’ve been full of anger since the day I read tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey, and I failed to find a way for releasing this anger. Yes, writing a review helped, but it wasn’t enough. I remember there was a time I was angry about the Twilight movie(s). Of course, Twilight does not even come close to Fifty Shades of Grey. Anyway, back then I watched Vampires Suck, which is a fine parody of Twilight. I loved it. And I felt freed, in a way. However, Fifty Shades of Grey needs something stronger than that. It’s a true boss fight, and you know, when fighting bosses, you need big cojones.
Well my dear Fifty Shades of Grey eat this!
Let me tell you something. Writing this review is pretty tough because I’m barely containing myself from quoting the whole damn book. It’s hilarious! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes!
Anyway, let’s pick on the best stuff in there.
Anna Steal Facts: - Fifty Shames of Earl Greyvictim heroine; - LARP (Live-Action Role Playing) rookie; - LARP name: Labiamajora; - Favorite show: Jersey Shore; - Never used the Internet; - Nudist parents; - Picks her nose when idle or nervous; - Favorite tea: Earl Grey Tea; - Virgin and never masturbated. Ever.
Earl Grey Facts: - Fifty Shames of Earl Greystalker hero; - BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick) master; - BDSM name: Elfin Warlord Sliverin; - His headquarters are shaped like an erection; - Vin Diesel is his bodyguard; - Has a malecrush on Tom Cruise; - Loves Nickelback; - Shops at Walmart; - Gets turned on by women who pick their nose; - Loves to hide under his prey sweetheart’s bed.
The best thing that came out of Anna Steal’s mouth. My opinion:
“Have you ever had a normal relationship?” “You’re my first,” he says. “And, hopefully, my last.” “The way you say that sounds like you’re planning to kill me,” I mutter. He laughs. “I would never kill you,” he says. “I might pay someone else to, but I would never do it myself.” “That’s reassuring.”
Earl Grey’s opinion: His penis.
The best thing that came out of Earl Grey’s mouth. My opinion:
“Do you have a philosophy of business?” I ask. “No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
Anna Steal’s opinion: Earl Grey’s penis.
One of my favorite parts of the book was the complete unexpurgated Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames list. Words simply fail me. For those of you who know what I’m talking about, my favorites are #20, #26 and #50. *wink*
I’m going to repeat myself, but oh what an amazing weapon this book is! I laughed my ass off and managed to cure the disease I got from touching Fifty Shades of Grey.
Thank you Andrew Shaffer *shakes his hand* thank you for making me whole again!
*birds singing in the background*
*camera zooms out*
*focus on Anzu jumping in the grass*
*image fades out*
The End
But holy fuck Fifty Shames #1! Does that mean what I think it means?? Oh fuck I have to read the other two Fifty Shades of Grey books!!!
No. Just no. Please! Anything but that!!! I’ll do anything just please don’t make me do it!!
Hold on a minute! Past Anzu, this is Future Anzu, the one who finished reading Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. You don’t have to read the whole series to get the jokes! Fifty Shames #1 actually covers the entire Fifty Shades series and the coming one is called Fifty Shames in Space. Nothing to do with the Fifty Shades series! You are free Past Anzu! Free! Now GTFO.
Here’s the cool excerpt that was in the end of the book:
Fifty Shames in Space The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead. I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree. It is the best orgasm of my life. When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .
***
Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the moderately thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!
Can’t. Wait.
ARC courtesy of Da Capo Press via NetGalley.(less)
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is wrong with me for reading a book such as this? Well you know what? It’s awesome and I don’t care i...moreYeah, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is wrong with me for reading a book such as this? Well you know what? It’s awesome and I don’t care if it’s a children’s book and that I’m too old for it or that I pretend to own a T-Rex ever since I finished reading it. It’s AWESOME and it made me happy. End of story!
Oh, did I mention that I own the cutest T-Rex ever?
Well now this has been entertaining. I swear I was laughing like a lunatic when reading some of these stories.
LUNATIC I TELL YOU!!!
But why is this boo...moreWell now this has been entertaining. I swear I was laughing like a lunatic when reading some of these stories.
LUNATIC I TELL YOU!!!
But why is this book so painfully short?? I finished it in like 30 minutes or something. But, I know I’m going to repeat myself and I’m still going to say it, it was very very VERY funny.
Ok maybe not so funny but entertaining nonetheless. My favorite story was Zombie Cinderella.
Crack! She looked down and saw Cinderella break off her big toe. Crack! The matching one on the other side went as well. Crack crack! The two pinky toes on each foot went next, and after that, the zombie picked up the shoe and slid it on with a wet slurp.
So much win.
Oh and by the way, here’s a thing that has been on my mind since a long time. Sleeping Beauty has been asleep for years, right? And then Prince Charming comes and wakes her up. She’s all pretty and perfect and peachy. In this book she’s (hold on to your horses, I’m sure you weren’t expecting this) A ZOMBIE!!
AARRRRRGGHHH BRAINZ!!
So she’s a zombie and she has stinky breath. Like chemical waste stinky breath.
Finally some truth to the fairy tale!!
BUT!!! Her legs are smooth. Uhm excuse me? Is she in a state of statis or something? The hair grows in time; I’m presuming that she’d have hairy dude legs by the time the prince gets to her.
Living With the Dead used to be funny once. Yes, I do remember the good ol’ times when I was actually laughing while reading one of Petersen’s books....moreLiving With the Dead used to be funny once. Yes, I do remember the good ol’ times when I was actually laughing while reading one of Petersen’s books. And look at me now. All serious, yawning, skimming, yawning some more and not enjoying my time one bit.
All in all, it was a very light read. I finished it in two days (yes, partly because of all the skimming) so it wasn’t such a pain in the ass. Then again, I must state that I’m VERY disappointed. This series had good potential, but the quality of the books seems to be decreasing and the predictability, as you probably guessed, is increasing. There are two of them left, one of which is a short story, so I’m glad I won’t have to put up with annoying Sarah and douchebag Dave for much longer.(less)
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