So I recently finished playing DMC Devil May Cry. It’s a game about a Nephilim, half angel half demon, dude who’s a demon hunting vigilante, pretty much an arrogant asshole, and doesn’t take shit from anyone. He looks like this:
And his name is Dante. Ring a bell?
Do I need to tell you the reason why I even picked up this book?
Well, if you didn’t catch my drift, the Book Dante seems to be a perfect replica of the Game Dante. I have had a crush on the Game Dantes (yes, there is more than one Dante – the original and the reboot, and you are seeing the pictures of the reboot) for about five years now, and I’ve been wanting to read some fan-fiction about them for ages.
Book Dante should have been a good replacement for Game Dante. And he was for about half the book, before things went horribly wrong. However, The Collector barely managed to scratch my DMC itch. But that’s a story for another time.
I started this book thinking that I will simply replace Book Dante with Game Dante. The female lead’s name will be Kat. She is a Wiccan graffiti artist who opens gates into Limbo (a parallel world between Hell and Earth where demons go bump in the night) and she looks like this:
Copyright you say?? Nonsense.
So having the characters already sorted out, I was ready for some fun! And it was for, I repeat, half the book. You will hear me say this a lot by the by. The good half, and the bad half. *sigh*
Anywhoo, Book Dante was fun! Victoria Scott sure did a good job with him. He made me laugh out loud. Really laugh out loud not just the meh lough out loud. The dude is an entertaining fucker. Let me give you some of my most favorite quotes. I’ll write them between the spoiler code because, you know, spoilers and shit. (view spoiler)[
Apparently Charlie doesn’t have a car. “But don’t worry,” she tells me, “we can walk to school from here.” Thrilling. It’ll only take a few lifetimes, what with her limp and all.
“Dante, this is Annabelle.” No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is…beastly. “Annabelle,” I say. “It suits you.”
The beauty behind the table gets up and saunters toward me. I have to stop myself from shoving Charlie out of the way.
Some people say the Amex Black card is a myth. Those people are also referred to as poor. Even thinking the word makes me itch.
If Charlie doesn’t dig my get up, I’ll expose her for what she is: asexual.
“In this trunk,” she says with a serious face, “is God’s gift to women.” “Chocolate?” “No.” “Midol?” “What? No.” “Tampons.” “Stop guessing,”
I did like Dante. I mean yum. Sure, I still have the image of the Game Dante in my mind but Book Dante’s personality is there. He’s funny, and charming, and most importantly evil. But there are many things that bothered me about this book, Dante and Charlie, the female lead.
Number one, he starts being attracted to KatCharlie after she changes her looks. Sure, he keeps on mentioning that he misses her old self blah blah blah no one gives a shit but that doesn’t change the fact that he feels like touching her hair or skin only after she changes them into something more “beautiful”.
Number two, there is no way in Hell such a “playa” would fall for someone like Charlie. I mean the girls is all right, if you’re into below average looking girls – hey don’t give me that look, it’s how she’s described by the author – but Dante’s feelings are not really justified. Yeah she’s got a good soul and she might be the next Jesus, ridding the world of evil and all that (creepy), but his nature wouldn’t allow him to fall for such a girl. Not that hard at least. And not that fast! The big bad L word popped up so fast I could not believe my eyes.
“I love you, Dante. I’ve loved you from the start.” “Why?” “Because I see you. Even though you try so hard to hide, I see you, anyway.”
Gag. I mean really. Gag. If I only knew that things will get even worse later on..
Charlie is an OK character, not too bad, not to good. She would make a perfect YA contemporary romance lead. My problem with her is that she’s too damn plain. She’s supposedly “speshul” because the author tells you so. She did not do anything special in this book, she did not show her powers, she didn’t do anything useful. That’s why I’m insisting on Dante’s feelings not making sense. There’s nothing much to fall for.
I will protect this girl with everything I have, because if something happens to her, I will lose myself. I will cease to exist. And I will take everyone with me.
You see, this shit is what gets me angry. A character as cool and as evil as Dante would never go that low. What the hell?!
I pull my hands away from my face, because I have to see her face. I have to see how she’s looking at me now that she knows. When I do, I can no longer stop the tears. They crash over my cheeks and free-fall to the ground. Because her face.
He is acting like a love-struck teenage girl, ladies and gents. Gather round and throw some rotten tomatoes at his head, maybe he’ll snap out of it.
God these things piss me off. You had such a great character and you cut off his balls like this. The whole book is ruined for me and I sure as hell won’t even go near book two. I don’t want to witness more useless fucking drama between Dante and Charlie. I simply don’t.
The Collector had the perfect start of being a very good and entertaining book. If only Victoria Scott had Dante fight some crazy demons or something, removed Charlie and removed the stupid romance. A badass book, I tell you. Oh well, too late for that.
Rating points: Dante: first half – 4 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average - 2 stars Charlie: first half – 2 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average - 1 star Story: first half – 3 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 1.5 stars Lolz: first half – 5 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 2.5 stars Demon hunting: first half – 0 stars, second half – 0 stars -> average – 0 stars ---------------------------------- Average score: 1.4 stars
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It all starts with a story of a lonely girl moving to a cold rainy town. She’s supposed to be with her dad, whom she doesn’t really like. She’s a shyIt all starts with a story of a lonely girl moving to a cold rainy town. She’s supposed to be with her dad, whom she doesn’t really like. She’s a shy girl, doesn’t have any friends or any boobs. Her new truck looks like a drunken lobster, and her school seems like a prison full of weird country kids. It all seems to lead her towards suicide until one day when she sees the most perfect being in the universe. He is the Master of the Universe. Lots of teenage angst filled pages later they kiss and decide to be together forever. Even if it involves multiple satanic rituals, our emo girl stops at nothing in order to be with her Master. Until one day when madness possesses him, and he twists her neck, drains her blood and buries her in his back yard. Now the emo girl’s spirit haunts Yung Adult books and is aiming even higher. She’s aiming for Erotic Romance novels!
I’ve been full of anger since the day I read tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey, and I failed to find a way for releasing this anger. Yes, writing a review helped, but it wasn’t enough. I remember there was a time I was angry about the Twilight movie(s). Of course, Twilight does not even come close to Fifty Shades of Grey. Anyway, back then I watched Vampires Suck, which is a fine parody of Twilight. I loved it. And I felt freed, in a way. However, Fifty Shades of Grey needs something stronger than that. It’s a true boss fight, and you know, when fighting bosses, you need big cojones.
Well my dear Fifty Shades of Grey eat this!
Let me tell you something. Writing this review is pretty tough because I’m barely containing myself from quoting the whole damn book. It’s hilarious! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes!
Anyway, let’s pick on the best stuff in there.
Anna Steal Facts: - Fifty Shames of Earl Greyvictim heroine; - LARP (Live-Action Role Playing) rookie; - LARP name: Labiamajora; - Favorite show: Jersey Shore; - Never used the Internet; - Nudist parents; - Picks her nose when idle or nervous; - Favorite tea: Earl Grey Tea; - Virgin and never masturbated. Ever.
Earl Grey Facts: - Fifty Shames of Earl Greystalker hero; - BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick) master; - BDSM name: Elfin Warlord Sliverin; - His headquarters are shaped like an erection; - Vin Diesel is his bodyguard; - Has a malecrush on Tom Cruise; - Loves Nickelback; - Shops at Walmart; - Gets turned on by women who pick their nose; - Loves to hide under his prey sweetheart’s bed.
The best thing that came out of Anna Steal’s mouth. My opinion:
“Have you ever had a normal relationship?” “You’re my first,” he says. “And, hopefully, my last.” “The way you say that sounds like you’re planning to kill me,” I mutter. He laughs. “I would never kill you,” he says. “I might pay someone else to, but I would never do it myself.” “That’s reassuring.”
Earl Grey’s opinion: His penis.
The best thing that came out of Earl Grey’s mouth. My opinion:
“Do you have a philosophy of business?” I ask. “No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
Anna Steal’s opinion: Earl Grey’s penis.
One of my favorite parts of the book was the complete unexpurgated Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames list. Words simply fail me. For those of you who know what I’m talking about, my favorites are #20, #26 and #50. *wink*
I’m going to repeat myself, but oh what an amazing weapon this book is! I laughed my ass off and managed to cure the disease I got from touching Fifty Shades of Grey.
Thank you Andrew Shaffer *shakes his hand* thank you for making me whole again!
*birds singing in the background*
*camera zooms out*
*focus on Anzu jumping in the grass*
*image fades out*
But holy fuck Fifty Shames #1! Does that mean what I think it means?? Oh fuck I have to read the other two Fifty Shades of Grey books!!!
No. Just no. Please! Anything but that!!! I’ll do anything just please don’t make me do it!!
Hold on a minute! Past Anzu, this is Future Anzu, the one who finished reading Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. You don’t have to read the whole series to get the jokes! Fifty Shames #1 actually covers the entire Fifty Shades series and the coming one is called Fifty Shames in Space. Nothing to do with the Fifty Shades series! You are free Past Anzu! Free! Now GTFO.
Here’s the cool excerpt that was in the end of the book:
Fifty Shames in Space The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead. I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree. It is the best orgasm of my life. When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .
Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the moderately thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!
ARC courtesy of Da Capo Press via NetGalley....more
So, I’m doing a new review series called Failrotica. The purpose of this is to explore the depths of human relationships when it comes to romance noveSo, I’m doing a new review series called Failrotica. The purpose of this is to explore the depths of human relationships when it comes to romance novels. Erotica, in particular.
I need to mention that I’ll be a complete troll about it, so if you actually enjoy this genre then I might advise you to avoid reading my reviews since they most probably will make you angry. I’m a nice person. I care.
Back to my introduction. I’ll be choosing only la crème de la crème of erotica. Yes, I do find erotica boring and extremely repetitive, so I need good material to work with. This being said, I’ll go for monster, bizarro and fairytale retellings - because they just crack me up.
Let’s start with the raping of one of my most favorite childhood books, shall we?
Oh, my god. I just fucked a king!
Meet Alice O’Brien, our lovely, self-respecting and clearly intelligent heroine. The first thing we find out about her is that she’s flawed. Completely and hopelessly flawed. Why is that, you ask? She is flawed because of her full figure. Ample hips, large heavy breasts and vast bottom. (!sarcasm) No man, nor woman, can ever take her seriously because of this. But at least her fiancé, Jon, is there to help her.
Damn Jon. Her somewhat forgetful—make that irresponsible— fiancé.
And her hot and, despite all logic, skinny twin, Alexi.
Why couldn’t she be slender, with all those thick, wavy, auburn locks like her twin?
After Alice loses her job for no apparent reason (the poor thing, she probably thinks it’s because of her vast bottom), she comes home only to find her beloved fiancé busy making a sandwich. And, to her complete horror, he wasn’t planning on sharing it with her!
Jon was engaging in a ménage à trois—fulfilling Alice’s fantasy for another woman.
His reason, you ask?
She’d heard Jon say: If Alice wasn’t so fat…
Hurt beyond reason, she makes her escape and ends up resting on a bench in a secluded park. Oh, sorry. Did I say resting? I meant to say masturbating. Yes, she ends up masturbating in the quiet park using raspberry lotion! Pain works in mysterious ways…
And now we switch to Wonderland, which appears to be in a bit of a predicament. King Jarronn, our charming male lead, is worried sick for his people.
It should have been a time of growth for Jarronn’s people, too—a time for males to seed their mate’s wombs. A time to look forward to new births in the fall.
The horrible fates of all these fertile women not being able to accept the seed of their virile men… I cannot bear the thought…
Veins rose along the surface of Jarronn’s muscles as rage filled him anew that he had been unable to break Mikaela’s powerful mind spells…the black sorcery that had rendered the women of Tarok incapable of conception for nearly two decades.
King Jarronn’s people are dying, and the only way of saving them is by picking a random, yet special, woman and knocking her senseless with his mighty sausage!
The fate of the kingdom lies in the hands of the ever erect Jarronn, who, despite being a world apart, happens to catch onto a new scent. Alice’s raspberry, and other intimate liquids that I dare not mention, concoction seems to be music to King Jarronn’s ears. Yes! He finally found the woman who will save his kingdom from Mikaela’s oh so brilliant barren curse!
Jarronn lures the easily confused Alice through a metaphorical rabbit hole and traps her in Wonderland. Fortunately, she is a strong independent woman, and she will fight for her virtue with all her strength!
“I am Jarronn, but you may refer to me as Milord .”
Milord’s charm at its best! Alice can’t help but be impressed.
“You will obey my every command, wench,” he said as he slid the satin from her hair. “And you will accept and enjoy whatever punishment is dealt.”
Alice is yet to find out that becoming Milord’s queen will not be easy. She has to pass several hard and lengthy tests in order to prove that she is worthy of leading the ever aroused people of Wonderland!
This woman would need to learn to trust him completely, and to follow whatever orders he may dictate, for her own safety as well as the safety of his people.
Her first lesson comes quickly.
“Always thrust out your chest when you are looking at me, so that I might better view your beautiful treasures.”
Milord is assigned with the difficult mission of making Alice know that she is beautiful. A very difficult mission indeed. She must be stripped bare, chained up, ordered around and displayed as an exotic possession in order to increase her self-esteem.
Would she ever love his people and his kingdom, if she could not even love herself? Damnation but he’d make her see herself for the beauty she was. And she would fall in love with him.
She must trust him completely!
“I am High King of Tarok, and amongst my people such respect is expected. If one person does not show respect, loyalty, and trust, it could cause others to believe there is a flaw in my leadership.”
As days pass by, Alice seems to adapt to the life of a sex slave soon to be queen.
Jarronn owned her. Not like a slave, but as a treasured possession, and she really liked how it felt to belong to him.
Sorry, my mistake. Alice seems to adapt to the life of a treasured possession soon to be queen. Her self-esteem seems to have increased. Also, Milord turned out to be a weretiger. His very thick and sandpapery tongue proving useful in very dry situations.
Alice also had to admit that she certainly didn’t miss a culture that dismissed its heavier citizens. A culture that ridiculed people of size and constantly forced weight-loss advertisements on them. Of course all the ads had perfect-bodied mannequins that made a gal with a few extra pounds want to go out and eat a whole damn cheesecake just for spite.
One night, Alice gets attacked in her sleep by a whip-wielding Dominatrix. Thin and super-sexy, she can only turn out to be evil, as many of the beautiful women of Wonderland do.
“How could you ever think the king could love the likes of you?”
The evil Dominatrix says. She wants to crumple Alice’s self-esteem!
“You’re fat and ugly and no one will ever love you.”
With this extremely original insult she disappears, leaving Alice in tears and her self-esteem in pieces.
How could she have so easily believed that Jarronn could come to love her? There was nothing beautiful or special about her at all.
But yes, Milord does love her! And he proves this by always believing in her. It is time for Alice’s first test. She is to mind-bond with all four Kings of Wonderland - at the same time!
After long seed-gulping and mass penetrating moments, Alice’s trust for Milord is proved. She is ready to mate with him in front of his people and become his Queen.
Several orgies later, the baby hating Mikaela attacks again, but Alice’s self-esteem is impenetrable. Words like “fat” or “ugly” don’t seem to work anymore, and the evil Mikaela makes her escape only to spare the author from bothering herself with creating another villain in the next installments.
“You are my possession, Alice. And you are my queen.”
It would be my greatest joy if you would bear my cubs.
Our dearest Alice is yet to receive her coronation gift!
“The first time I took you as my mate and released the tigri pheromones, the process was started.” She stilled. “Process?” With a slow nod, Jarronn said, “Eventually you shall become a weretigress.”
“No kidding?” Alice’s body tensed and her face lit up with hope. “That means I’ll live longer and all that other stuff? And I’ll be able to shapeshift, too?”