I read this. This is not a 1-star review because I hate the idea. It's a 1-star review because I looked at every page in this book and read every wordI read this. This is not a 1-star review because I hate the idea. It's a 1-star review because I looked at every page in this book and read every word.
If you happen to pick this up in the store, the section of black pages towards the middle has the nudes. Let me just save everyone some time right there. I don't want to sound like a piggish asshole or anything. But if you're looking to skip the preamble, there you go.
Second piece of advice, I don't think this is meant to be read in one sitting. It starts to make me wonder if Kim Kardashian is like S1m0ne from that movie S1m0ne where Pacino makes everyone think his fake computer robot lady is real and then when she disappears he gets accused of her murder. It makes me wonder if Kim Kardashian is a computer lady with a robo face that only has a couple modes. But maybe she'll get those upgrades soon...
The pictures have captions. Some of them. Let's be honest, it'd be a lot of work to caption every picture. The captions are stuff like, "These pictures were taken in Germany, Australia, Italy and Miami."
Yes, I have a problem with Kim Kardashian's refusal of the Oxford comma. You guessed it.
The OTHER problem, you don't actually see a lot of Germany, Australia, or anything except Kim Kardashian's face and boobs. Which I understand is the point, but goddamn, couldn't you at least get a picture of your boobs next to a kangaroo or some shit? There are so many pictures of Kim Kardashian's boobs you'd think that, by simple law of averages, a kangaroo would have snuck in there. Or, law of averages, something interesting would show up at some point.
Probably the best caption: "I don't think I've ever taken as many selfies as I did in Thailand. It's one of the prettiest places I've ever traveled to!"
Then we get to see what Kim's face and boobs look like IN THAILAND. Which is suspiciously similar to what that stuff looks like in Australia and Germany. Oh, wait. There IS one picture from Thailand with an elephant in the background. Although the very next one is a picture of a waterfall where the waterfall, over Kim's shoulder and in the background, is overexposed and invisible. Boobs, however, present and accounted for.
Look, I'm not going to psychoanalyze Kim Kardashian because what's the point? A billion other people have done it already. Ask anyone, you'll get an opinion on Kim Kardashian.
I'm just here to say this books is shit. It's not a chronicle of a whirlwind life or whatever. It's not all that amazing when Kim says she remembers who did her hair and makeup for each photo (especially because it seems like one dude does her makeup 90% of the time). And there aren't real stories told in the book. Probably the most narrative caption is from a time she went out for someone's birthday and then went to Nobu.
Hope Kim had an empty spindle to wind back up ALL THAT YARN she spun there.
Nor does the book explain or make me feel anything about the idea of selfies or even give like, I don't know, ONE tip on taking a good selfie. Which I have, by the way. Ready?
1. Clean your fucking room before you take a selfie. Pick up your laundry basket, seriously, for real.
2. Clean your fucking mirror before you take a selfie. Gross.
3. Your phone has a front-facing camera. You don't need to take a picture in the mirror.
4. Pre, Post, and Mid workout selfies are the worst. Just skip it. Everyone makes fun of people for taking pictures of food, but I'd rather see a hundred sandwiches than one more photo hashtagged #FeelTheBurn or some such shit. Fuck off with that nonsense. If I care whether you're working out, I'll ask. Which I won't. Because I don't.
5. Don't call your own husband "Yeezus" or any other stupid nickname he comes up with in your captions. I don't care how famous the dude is, you don't have to call your husband "Optimus Prime" or "Stanley Goodspeed" or whatever asinine name he comes up with.
I like it. But honestly, it's like a lot of other things and not quite as good.
It's like Sweet Tooth, but it doesn't tug the heartstrings.
It's like LuI like it. But honestly, it's like a lot of other things and not quite as good.
It's like Sweet Tooth, but it doesn't tug the heartstrings.
It's like Luther Strode but less cool.
It's like Ronin but less weird.
It's like Mad Max but less bonkers.
It's like The Road but less gritty.
It's like The Walking Dead but with an enemy that's less compelling.
I really like Justin Jordan's stuff, and I like seeing his crazy on the page. It works for me. It makes me happy to read. As The Spread develops, I do have hopes that it'll get deeper and more exciting and compelling. I have every reason to believe it will because Mr. Jordan hasn't let me down thus far.
Buuuuuut I think it's a tough time to be starting a post-apocalyptic story of any kind, really. I think the world is getting a little apocalypse-ed out. There are too many different stories about too many different apocalypses, most of which boil down to trying to solve the apocalypse.
I have to say, this is why I respect a Fury Road and enjoyed it more than a Walking Dead or other tales of the crapified world. Fury Road was not at all about trying to solve the apocalyptic crisis. I didn't feel like I was watching a story of characters who would fix the world. It was a story of people stuck in a real bad time, and they did what they could to survive. That, to me, is a lot more exciting.
And the other thing, it all goes back to this movie. Dragon...something.
Reign of Fire!
The premise is that dragons are real and they come to life and kick everyone's ass. And there are like thousands of them.
But, of course, someone discovers if we kill the queen dragon, all the other dragons just magically die.
See, that defeats the whole point. It's hard to kill 1,000 dragons all over the world. One dragon? Even if it's a badass dragon, that's a pretty attainable goal. More than that, it turns an apocalypse into a real bad afternoon. Stupid.
God, I really hated that part of that movie. That came out in 2002 and I saw it in the theater. I've never forgiven it.
Oh my god. I just discovered the guy who directed Reign of Fire also directed Elektra.
Oh my god. And Airborne.
M.A.N.T.I.S?! Parker Lewis Can't Lose!!? This may be one of history's greatest monsters. Screw the spread. ...more
There's this part in the movie Medicine Man where Sean Connery says he had the cure for cancer, but he "lost" it. And when his colleague questions himThere's this part in the movie Medicine Man where Sean Connery says he had the cure for cancer, but he "lost" it. And when his colleague questions him, he says, "Haven't you ever lost anything, Dr. Bronx? Your purse? Your car keys? It's rather like that, now you have it, now you don't."
Which is pretty hilarious because, sure, I guess losing a cure for CANCER is pretty much the same as setting your keys somewhere and not remembering right away. That's pretty much the same thing. God knows I've misplaced my iPod before. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ek8Nm...)
I bring this up with The Walking Dead because I can't figure out why characters in this world EVER FUCKING TRUST EACH OTHER. Every time it turns bad.They always regret it. It works out once in a while, but for the most part, I think an ounce of caution seems to serve pretty well. I guess they just forget the way Sean Connery just forgot his cancer cure. You know, like how sometimes you forget to turn off the lights before you leave the house.
I won't go into details, but in this volume a new person shows up, and Carl has a sort of tantrum about how they lock her in a room for a while to make sure she's cool. And they let her out, providing that Carl keeps an eye on her. See what I did there? An eye? Because his eye got shot out?
Haha, nothing funnier than a kid who got shot in the eye, eh?
Anyway, I just don't get it. I don't get why everyone doesn't say, "Carl, remember how pretty much everyone is trying to kill us ALL THE TIME? Yeah, we're keeping this girl locked up. She's got food and water. She's fine. We just want to do A LITTLE work to see if she's an insane-o. Like, I don't know, maybe not give her all the secret info after she's been here three hours. Is that alright with you, teenage dude who is emotionally unstable?"
Walking Dead definitely does a lot of cool stuff, but I think one horror tradition that's wearing thin, I really hate how often I'm screaming into the book, embarrassing myself in a Barnes and Noble where I stand and read the books for free (which is why I feel so entitled to complain), because the characters just make so many bad choices. Like a lot of horror movie characters, the people in the Walking Dead make almost exclusively bad decisions. And not just decisions in the heat of a moment or something. Life choices. Or choices about where to stay or not stay. It's a frustrating trope in movies, but there's some way in which you can excuse it because, for the most part, when a lady is running away from a chainsaw dude in the forest, it's the first time this has happened to her. Not so much a common occurrence, I'm told. But in The Walking Dead, they've been surviving for years now. They've done all this stuff, and they've done it successfully enough to survive. They should know better. ...more
I was thinking. Even though he's super stupid and lame in the comics, how cool would Stilt Man be in real life? Sure, it's insane. A guy who has indesI was thinking. Even though he's super stupid and lame in the comics, how cool would Stilt Man be in real life? Sure, it's insane. A guy who has indestructible, extending stilts, that's dumb as hell. But on the other hand, it's pretty fucking far removed from anything I've ever seen.
The key to real life being super, it seems like you have to just be first. You know, something that's not all that cool would be pretty rad if you were the first one. If Squirrel Girls was first, she'd be pretty badass, at least until She Hulk came along.
While we're on the topic of lawyer/superheroes, how annoying would it be if that person was in school with you? "Oh, remember Matt Murdock? He's Daredevil. Also a lawyer." This dude is blind, and he find the time to fight crime AND get a law degree. Plus he always has a rad apartment with a secret exit. I'd settle for any one of those three things. Fucking overachiever....more
I got off track on this one, which I regret. How awesome.
I'm told that the Netflix show is pretty great. I haven't seen it yet. In fact, can we do a qI got off track on this one, which I regret. How awesome.
I'm told that the Netflix show is pretty great. I haven't seen it yet. In fact, can we do a quick list of shows I haven't seen yet? And maybe people will stop asking?
+Game of Thrones: Sorry, I just don't know if I can do a medieval thing with dragons. GoT might be the best one of those, but I cashed in those chips so long ago that I just can't see watching another one. I don't think I can be convinced. How many times can I care about who is going to be a king of some shithole that's just going to become a town that the train goes through on the way to London in a couple hundred years?
+The Sopranos: I tried like three times. I can't get into it. The mob movies, the shows. Something about the mob seems very silly to me, or very made-up somehow. Maybe Dick Tracy spoiled me for mob stuff because you can only see it as these ridiculous bad guys with names like Lips Manlis.
+Mad Men: Just not into outfits. Also, the cuteness of "Isn't it crazy we didn't give a fuck about recycling in 1965?" wears off super fast. It's like watching a movie about the 1700's and being constantly amazed that they don't have Dodge Chargers and shit. Yeah, stuff was different 50 years ago. No shit.
+Doctor Who: One episode. It's not for me. At the risk of angering a billion people, it's a show that feels, to me, very aware of how clever it's being at any given time. Real life of the mind stuff. Also, I can't figure out if this is supposed to be silly or not.
+Firefly: Just to make sure I piss off anyone I didn't lose already. I think I saw two episodes. Just not for me. I don't really get how this is a space western. Because people wear boots? I'm inventing a new genre, the Western Horror, which is Dawn of the Dead with more hats.
I'm just gonna rate the first issue and review the series, spoiler-free, in hopes that you'll pick this up when it becomes available in trade.
This isI'm just gonna rate the first issue and review the series, spoiler-free, in hopes that you'll pick this up when it becomes available in trade.
This is a great book.
Quick summary: Wolverine is gone. He puts Spider-Man in charge of a small class of mutant kids. Wolverine suspects one of the kids is a mole (not, like, an animal, but a spy of some kind. That wouldn't normally be necessary clarification, but we're talking X-Men here) and he wants Spider-Man to ferret (not the animal, but the behavior of...never mind) out which student it might be.
Highlights include a team-up of Jurassic proportions, a battle of the brains between Spidey and a certain blue, furry scientist (The Beast,not a hung over, unshaven, sad Albert Einstein) and one of my favorite Spidey jokes, the question of whether Mr. Sinister's first name is Ted. Ted Sinister.
If you're still not convinced, how about knowing that this is an accessible mini-series for newcomers to comics, and it's written by the head writer of the Daily Show? How's that strike your fancy?
If it doesn't, then I question just how fancy your fancy really is. Because it should have been struck like a certain Hydra baron. A HYRDA Baron? Baron Von...Strucker? Struck like Strucker?
Ever write a review and realize how you really should have ended it, like, TWO lines earlier?...more