I swear I don't know why. It's like it's calling me.
But hey, maybe it's good for a laugh? You know, when I stopped piercing my eyes outPre-reading:
I swear I don't know why. It's like it's calling me.
But hey, maybe it's good for a laugh? You know, when I stopped piercing my eyes out of course.
Also, for clarification purposes, I refer to Jace as ZOMBIE, because he technically is one (being dead alive and all).
Actual review (major spoilers ahead obviously):
Simon [on Facebook] : UGH, being a teenage vampire and having two hot girlfriends is soooo HARD! I think I'm now gonna write dark poetry while listening to HIM to express my FEELINGS. random band-member 1 liked this random band-member 3: Dude, like, you're a vampire in a rock band! Like, that is so, like, TOTES original! Lestat and Spike disliked this because THEY'VE GOT BALLS Clary [on Facebook] : OMG, ZOMBIE is like totally hot and I lurve him! Gonna write some fanfiction of him and me now like that author I so incidentally and unsuspiciously resemble! Cassandra Clare liked this ZOMBIE: I don't deserve YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! Clary: I don't deserve you TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kyle: Hi, I'm a new and totally unsuspicious new character. *twirls mustache* Clary: Omg, you're totally hot! I really hope you will not somehow turn out to be my sibling like every guy I am attracted too! ... Wait, that's not good at all, is it?
[3 minutes pass. Simon's mother found out he's a vampire (which she somehow accepts without doubting and instead of thinking he's insane), freaks out and denies that he is her son. Simon, burdened with even more teenage problems, leaves home. I totally didn't read exactly the same thing in a much better book called Ironside]
Simon: The best thing to do now is not go to one of my friends, or even the homeless shelter, but to the vampires that tried to kill me! Raphael: Lolz, nope. Kyle: You can stay with me, person I've known for exactly 5 minutes! *twirls mustache with a monocle in his eye and pets a cat while laughing maniacally*
[People talk. Then whine some. The world goes on.]
Luke: Um, you know guys, we've still got that problem with the dead shadowhunters on our hands... Not that I want to distract you all from angsting, but... Jocelyn: Whatever, who cares. We're the only two important adult characters in this book, lets marry!
Kyle: SIMON BELONGS TO ME! ZOMBIE: NO, SKANK, HE BELONGS TO ME! Simon: ...Dude. Wasn't I originally in a love triangle with two girls? Isabelle and Maia: Lolz, nope.
[Meanwhile, in the magical land of bullshit, otherwise known as the City of Bones...]
Clary: I lurrrrve my SUPER SPECIAL UNICORN POWERS! LETS REANIMATE SOME CORPSES!!!1!11one Luke: Are you sure you don't want to think about that again? Clary: No, duh. It's as awesome an idea as going to a church affiliated with demon baby experiments alone. Luke: ...Whatever.
[She ACTUALLY DOES THIS. It backfires, naturally.]
Magnus: We're in this novel too! Alec: And for some reason, travelling all those cool places with the love of my life turned me into a whiny PMSing dipshit! Magnus: Isn't it a bit early to talk about the love of our lives? We've only known each other for what, 2 months? Clary and ZOMBIE: True, but in Clare's world that equals years of commitment. Look at us, we were practically ready to be married after a week.
Lilith: Hello, I'll be your villain for the evening. Don't mind that I've actually got an interesting backstory but still act like your generic evil bitch archetype. Here's that guy ZOMBIE killed in the third book. You all think he died, and he kinda did, but I've also kinda kept him alive with this medic po- I mean glass coffin. Simon: Why I as a nerdy geek haven't made a Star Wars reference yet is beyond me. Lilith: Also, his one hand is missing but he'll have a new one later, I sent Jace dreams of Clary dying which is really the reason that her life is now threatened, and Alec might've been tempted to help a bad guy because she promised to help him keep the love of his life. Simon:OH COME ON! Cassandra Clare: I really don't know why everyone keeps accusing me of plagiarism. Lilith: Whatever. LETS DO THIS! HERE COMES SEBASTIAN! Simon: ... Clary: ... ZOMBIE: ... Lilith: ... Clary: ... Simon: ... Me: ? ZOMBIE: ... Lilith: ... Simon: Yeah, you should probably die now. Lilith: *dies*
Everyone except for ZOMBIE: WOHOO! ZOMBIE: *goes to sulk in a corner Cloud Advent Children style*
Sebastian: I'M BACK MOFOS! AND I KNOW EVERY- Err, I WILL KILL YOU ALL! Me: Rooting for you.
Inspired by Madeline's Abridged Shakespeare reviews.
Okay, you know what? That was not the end. There's one last thing I have to say before I let you leave.
I now believe that Cassandra Clare is, in reality, only writing these books to deliver a message to us. A secret message. A message so secret it's hidden in these shitty books. I have not deciphered the code yet, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the terrible writing. Maybe if you take the first letter of every sentence that makes you want to puke, you'll have by the end of the series the exact locations of the Holy Grail.
Uhu. That's what I'm telling myself to convince me that I have to finish this trainwreck of a series. Yeah.