Alrighty, this is a shorty about a serial rapist who goes to Hell. Niiiice.
Our main character, Sam, was trying to continue his winning streak with the...moreAlrighty, this is a shorty about a serial rapist who goes to Hell. Niiiice.
Our main character, Sam, was trying to continue his winning streak with the ladies, when one of those bitches fought back. *fist pump* One knife to the gut later, and he found himself in Hell.
Alrighty, the first bit of this book, where Samuel is getting eviscerated and tortured went on a bit too long for my taste. Not that I didn't initially enjoy it when the demon tore out his throat and pulled out his intestines, mind you. It's just...there's only so many ways to describe horror, fear, desperation, and stinky accommodations. I admit I was losing hope to this being anything other than an excuse to read about horrendous acts of violence, without feeling guilty. But. After all the gory stuff was over, a real story started to emerge. At first, I thought that the author was going to try to make me feel sorry for Samuel, because maybe he had some sort of traumatic childhood or something. Nope. He was just a sociopathic asshole. And in Hell, they have cures for that sort of shit.
This isn't some sort of a Happily Ever After tale, but it does show that given enough time, enough demons, and enough mindfucks...even someone like Samuel might be able to see the error of their ways.
Hawkman. Because there simply aren't enough superheroes with hairy shoulders...
So. Besides needing to bathe in hair remover, what's wrong with The Savage Hawkman? Lots. His speech, for one. "The arena turned up a goose egg, but I was able to book us passage on a freighter." Do all Thanagarians sound like senior citizens, or just Grandpa Hawkman? Or saying shit like, my armor has suitors, instead of saying...oh, I don't know... People are trying to steal my fucking armor!
But apparently, part of his charm is that nonsense bubbles out of his mouth in a steady stream. One of my favorite lines was the one he used to explain why he's got hidey-holes with extra money and clothes stashed all over the place. In my line of work, paranoia creeps in. Well, he's talking about his 'work' as Hawkman, right? Nope. He's talking about his job...as an archaeologist. Because when I think of dangerous professions, ARCHAEOLOGY immediately pops into my mind. Yep. It's right up there with Snail Wrangler and Marshmallow Catcher.
Normally, no horrible comic is complete until Hawkman shows up, right? What character can even begin to compete with his lameness? Pssst. Don't worry. They've got it covered. Time for a team-up with Green Arrow! Yeah. It's awful. But it begs the question: Can you really gauge the levels of hell? I mean, you're already reading Hawkman. Can a lame team-up really make it worse? Answer: Yes. I'd love to know how the decision to bring in the other New 52 Loser came about. If this title hadn't been cancelled, I'm sure his next partner would have been Mr Terrific. Because after Green Arrow, you really have to scrape the barrel pretty hard to find anything else left on the bottom.
Moving on. Deathstroke shows up, and for some reason he's wearing Nth metal, as well. Nobody knows why. It's a question best left for another day... But he sticks around long enough to tack on (yet another) fight scene. However, I personally felt Deathstroke's appearance was overshadowed by the appearance of fan-favorite St. Bastion! *snort* Yeah. I didn't know who he was, either. He looks like an Azrael knock-off. Because Azrael is a fan-favorite, as well. Said no one. Ever.
Speaking of Nth Metal... Oh. My. Fucking. God. *strangles Hawkman* This guy never shut up about this stupid Nth metal! Every other fucking word out of his beaky-face was Nth metal this, or Nth metal that. Half the book (I'm not exaggerating even a little bit) was an inner monologue about his love affair with this spechul golden armor.
On the upside, we get a couple of different back stories for Carter. On the downside, neither of them work. In the first origin story, Carter is a Thanigarian hippie that's engaged to the princess. PEACE at all costs, brother. Love is all we need... The only thing missing was a the scent of patchouli. Seriously. Does that sound anything like the Hairy Menace with a Mace? No. No it does not. In the second origin story, he tells a different tale to this wacky chick called the Shadow Thief. He was a gladiator who was plucked from obscurity and welcomed into the Royal family. He witnesses their luxury and excesses (picture a group of scantily clad women feeding a man grapes), and was sickened by it. Evidently, he was so sickened by it, that he decided to propose to the princess. Hello. My name is Carter Hall. And I am a world-class douche.
While we're on the subject of douchebags... DeFalco is apparently under the impression that if someone is experiencing any form of dementia, every third word out of their mouth is ahhhhh. For example, when Emma's father goes to meet with the (evil) doctor to discuss his treatment options, it sounded like this: "Dr. Phayne, this is a ...ahhh...real pleasure. I've read up on...ahhh...your work with...ahhh...Alzheimer's patients." Awesome. That's not annoying to read. At all. Then, to add insult to injury, he turned a sweet mentally challenged young man with dementia (we know this because of the way he said...ahhh...) into a raging monster called Blockbuster. "You think me stupid? Too dumb to know what special means?" And, because DeFalco is a total dickhole... "I have power to take what I want..and I want pretty lady!" Because I think people need to see more mentally disabled folks getting their perv on! They don't have enough problems with the way people perceive them, so I think it's a good idea to feature them as rapey villains. *thunderous applause followed by standing ovation* Take a bow, asshole. You're officially Peckerhead of the Year.
Luckily, Hawkman is a card carrying member of the Justice League of America. AKA, All-The-Losers-The-REAL-Justice-League-Didn't-Want. After getting his ass handed to him by Blockbuster, calling Amanda Waller for help, and getting backup in the form Simon Baz (the Green Lantern nobody cares about), he makes a life-changing decision. "From this day forward, my prime responsibility is to... the Justice League of America!"
Well. It's official. That title is as good as cancelled.
Ms. Marvel was recommended to me by a friend (thanks, Rick), and I'm glad I finally took his advice. It looks like this could be the start of somethin...moreMs. Marvel was recommended to me by a friend (thanks, Rick), and I'm glad I finally took his advice. It looks like this could be the start of something great!
It's good, but you're not going to be missing out on a Civil War plot line if you skip it, either. It's a pretty self-contained story. Carol proves he...moreIt's good, but you're not going to be missing out on a Civil War plot line if you skip it, either. It's a pretty self-contained story. Carol proves herself to be a clone of Tony Stark, which really didn't do anything to endear her character to me. (less)
If I were going to start worshiping a demon, he'd have to be the sexy kind. Not some gruesome bastard with bad teeth, you know?...moreTentacle Monster Alert!
If I were going to start worshiping a demon, he'd have to be the sexy kind. Not some gruesome bastard with bad teeth, you know? Also, I'd want to get some decent perks out of it. Some sort of useful power would be nice, robes made out of that soft jersey cotton, and (most importantly) I'd like a nice insurance package. Maybe even toss in a 401k and some retirement benefits? I'm just throwing that out there for any of you who are considering joining a cult. Don't sell your soul to the first one that comes along. Negotiate for the best deal. What I wouldn't want, for example, is for the highlight of the whole thing to be my head turning into some kind of an octopus/butt...complete with tentacles. Some of you probably think I'm too picky about which monsters I devote myself to, but I like to think of it as being selective with my time. Devil worship can take a huge chunk out of your day, from what I've heard, and I've got a lot going on right now. That means, in all likelihood, I won't be joining a satanic sect anytime soon. Although, I'm seriously thinking about giving the PTA a shot, and I'm pretty sure some of those ladies sacrifice animals in their spare time...
That being said, this was a pretty cool little graphic novel. I thought (because I didn't read the blurb) that this was going to be a straight-up crime noirish thing. I also thought it might be set near the ocean, since the folks on the cover look like they are being caressed by a squid. Shockingly, I was wrong about that , as well. This story fall into the horror/noir/mystery/paranormal crime/graphic novel category, I think.
The plot goes a little something like this: There's a guy who meets an irresistible girl, who used to be his godfather's lover (there's a story there), but for now she's in a weird relationship with a crooked cop who love/hates her (which is another story), and the original guy wants to save her...sort of. Oh, yeah. And she's immortal or something. Plus, there's a group of Octopus-Demon worshipers who need to sacrifice Sexy Girl to their deity, in order to get rewarded with the Power of a Thousand Architeuthis (that means squids, by the way).
The art isn't what I prefer to look at, since it's all dark and pulpy, but it kind of grew on me by the end. I'm doubt this one is for everybody, but I enjoyed it. (less)
This book is even better than the first book in the series, Darkfever. I can't wait to read the next one! A big "Thank You" goes out to Jill for telli...moreThis book is even better than the first book in the series, Darkfever. I can't wait to read the next one! A big "Thank You" goes out to Jill for telling me to get all of the books at once, 'cause these cliffhanger endings would have killed me otherwise!(less)
I liked it. I thought reading the letters was an interesting way to tell the story. I usually like a lot more action in my books, but somehow I didn't...moreI liked it. I thought reading the letters was an interesting way to tell the story. I usually like a lot more action in my books, but somehow I didn't mind with this one. It unfolded slowly, but still managed to stay interesting.(less)
I'm getting seriously attached to this crazy world! This is such a great urban fantasy series, and I can't believe I put off reading it for so...more4.5 stars
I'm getting seriously attached to this crazy world! This is such a great urban fantasy series, and I can't believe I put off reading it for so long. What the hell was wrong with me?! Doesn't matter. I'm officially part of the Kate for President movement now. *Warning: The remainder of the review will probably be nothing more than me doing some squealy fangirling.*
Kate & Curran! Love them! LOOOOOVE them! Why can't more urban fantasy give us a slow burn like these two have? I'm more than willing to read about couples who aren't jumping immediately into the sack, even if it means waiting it out book-wise.
World-building! This is one of the more unique settings I've run across in terms of the actual world they live in. Magic flares and technology crashes? Veryvery cool.
Villians! I love that the Big Bad is still out there waiting for a Reveal. The baddies in this were amazing, and totally took my mind off of this Roland character, and then BAM! right toward the end you get another snippit of information! OhMyGodITotallyForgotAboutHimWhatWillKateDo?!
Side Characters! It seems like every new book adds another pal (or three) to Kate's growing list of amigos. Each of them are well-defined enough to make you care about what happens to them.
Coolest Aunt EVAH! Ok, that scene where she rides into Julie's school? I wanted to stand up and cheer! If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the book. It's worth it, just to see what she does.
So many reviewers have detailed the plot better than I ever could, so I'm just going to have to settle for telling you guys this: KATE DANIELS IS A MUST-READ UF SERIES! Do NOT let the first book scare you off. I thought it was only so-so, and it kept me from continuing the series. Bad Anne! BAD! Go read these suckers. You won't be sorry. (less)
Let's face it, nobody gives a fuck about this review. Why? Because: A) It's Green Lantern and B) It's from 1961
So why did I read all 558 pages of this m...moreLet's face it, nobody gives a fuck about this review. Why? Because: A) It's Green Lantern and B) It's from 1961
So why did I read all 558 pages of this mammoth black and white hunk of shitty nostalgia? I basically made a deal with the devil. For the purposes of this review JEFF is the devil. I'm not even sure how it started, but somehow he conned me into a twisted bet. The terms of the bet were this: If I couldn't get a picture of myself harassing a character (view spoiler)[ kicking Prince Charming in the junk, punching a Princess in the gut...etc. (hide spoiler)] while on my family's Disney vacation, I'd have to read a black and white Showcase Presents: Green Lantern. FAMILY VACATION. Seriously? Naturally, there was no way I could actually physically harm some poor shlub in a costume. Instead, through an incredible covert mission too top-secret to go into, I managed to procure this picture...
Normal people would say, 'Good enough, Anne', and leave it at that. Jeff is not a normal person. He is a being of incredible evil. Instead, he said, 'Is that a statue? Pffft. Start reading, sucker!' Ass.
So here's your review, you bastard!
What did I learn about the first incarnation of Hal Jordan? Lots, actually. I learned that Eskimos make loyal sidekicks! "...his pal, Pieface the Eskimo grease-monkey..." Awesome! Not insulting on ANY level!
I learned that Carol Ferris was originally an idiot. Sure, she was running a multi-million dollar company. But luckily, all she really wanted was to marry the Green Lantern! Two big Thumbs Up for that!
I learned that beneath Hal Jordan's fearlessness was the heart of a lion, and the brain of a mentally challenged chimp. Anything yellow could be thrown at him with devastating results. Got a yellow #2 pencil? Ka-Chunk! Annnnd he's out... Because his TRUE weakness isn't YELLOW. It's the inability to duck. My Hero!
I learned that it's not necessary to come up with names for weaponry. "Tank-like vehicles...armed with super-scientific weapons!" Because it's not always easy to invent classy monikers like the dreaded MENTO-RAY!
I learned that it might not be the best idea to shove your Galactic Super-Powered ring in your pants. It will inevitably fall out, due to the ginormous holes in your pocket. Don't worry GL, your Eskimo pal can give you some advice to help with that little problem! "That's what you need, Hal--A wife! If you had one you wouldn't have buttons hanging by a thread! Your wife would darn and sew for you--take care of you!" Or, you know, you could just stop being a dumbass, and keep it on your fucking finger. Whatever works best.
I learned that bald men, men with a widow's peak, and men with bushy eyebrows are always evil. But I already knew that one...
I learned that evil men have an inborn need to create elaborate death traps, and then monologue till you can escape. You will be powerless to escape, as my Tank-O-Death slowly fills with yellow (not pink) LEMONADE! Mwahahahaha! But while we wait, let me explain my evil plans for world domination in elaborate detail... Damn. Now that's realism, bitches!
Most of all, I learned that Jeff is Satan's middle name. You have been warned! ["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>["br"]>(less)
This one one of those books that I knew I was going to love as soon as I finished the first page. It was perfect! I was rooting for the hero and heroi...moreThis one one of those books that I knew I was going to love as soon as I finished the first page. It was perfect! I was rooting for the hero and heroine the entire time. Maybe not the entire time. A tiny part of me wanted to throw Evie off a bridge and steal Sebastian for myself, but... whatever. What can I say about the love scenes? *Slurp* Let me wipe the drool off my face, first. Yeah. They are definitely going to the 'recall later when needed' section of my brain. *sigh*(less)
Wow. I'm blown away by this hilarious take on the YA vampire novel! Is this really the author's first book? I'm not going to say that the plot is supe...moreWow. I'm blown away by this hilarious take on the YA vampire novel! Is this really the author's first book? I'm not going to say that the plot is super-duper original, but Robinson's humor comes through in almost every sentence. And that is what sets this book apart from almost everything else out there. Sadly, I'm not sure what kind of a massive brain fart the author had when she came up with the title. Vampire Crush?! That's just...awful. I can only imagine how many readers haven't bothered to look past the cover of this thing. (less)
The House of M story arc confuses me. It is the Final Crisis of the Marvel universe (my opinion, obviously). I get the gist of the plot, but I don't g...moreThe House of M story arc confuses me. It is the Final Crisis of the Marvel universe (my opinion, obviously). I get the gist of the plot, but I don't get it. So, in an effort to possibly understand it a little more, I decided to read this. I still don't get it.(less)
Clarity is a good YA paranormal murder-mystery. I wasn't sure that I would like it once I found out that the main character's (Clare) special power wa...moreClarity is a good YA paranormal murder-mystery. I wasn't sure that I would like it once I found out that the main character's (Clare) special power was psychically reading objects. Basically, it translates into her being able to touch things, and then feel or see what other people felt or saw when they were touching it. I thought that was pretty lame, considering her brother could talk to spirits and her mother could read minds. So color me surprised when Harrington managed to turn her into a cool heroine! I thought the mystery was well done, too. I had a lot of fun trying to guess whodunnit! It had that Agatha Christie feel to it. There are too many red herrings and false leads thrown out there to be absolutely sure who the bad guy is, but it was still fun to try!
Yes, there is a love triangle. Who does she choose?! The wholesome ex-boyfriend who made a mistake, but still pines for her...or the bad-boy with a secret, who runs hot and cold? Seriously, who cares? I'm sure the teen girls (who are the actual target audience...not crusty old chicks, right?) will eat that stuff up with a fork and spoon!(less)
Since I have been reading this series out of order, this one was actually the third book that I read. I loved The Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the W...moreSince I have been reading this series out of order, this one was actually the third book that I read. I loved The Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Werewolf, which were the last two in the Five Hundred Kingdoms' series. So I was pretty excited to finally get my hands on the book that started it all! Eh. It was ok. It just... I don't know. Since Elana is featured in almost all of the other books, it was worth it to find out more of her story, though. I guess I was just expecting too much.(less)