Stuck in the dentist's waiting room earlier this week, I passed the time reading this bizarre little dental-themed children's mystery story; after a wStuck in the dentist's waiting room earlier this week, I passed the time reading this bizarre little dental-themed children's mystery story; after a while, I began to wonder if the same formula couldn't be used in other contexts too. For example, here's
How The Story of O Might Have Started If It Had Been Commissioned By The French Dental Health Association
The young woman, O, is walking with her lover one day when they stop in front of a house she has never seen before. "We are expected," he says, and opens the door. She follows him, thinking that this is one of the games he likes, and now he will kiss her, caress her, remove her clothes; but they find themselves in a room with a couch of a curious design, next to which is a little basin with a cup. In the corner is a table holding some instruments. He motions to her, indicating that she is to lie down on the couch. She does so and waits for his next command. Her shallow breathing causes her breasts to rise and fall under her light summer dress. "Now you are ready," he says. "Soon the masters of this house will come. You are to do all that they say." He opens the door and leaves; he does not look back.
O lies on the couch, half-reclining, and waits. After a few minutes, the door opens and two men appear. They are dressed in green robes, with green masks over their mouths. They stand on each side of the couch, which O now perceives is equipped with leather straps. Without saying a word, they fit the straps over her body and fasten the buckles. Then they leave and close the door.
O waits. The straps hold her tightly and she is hardly able to move. There is no clock and it is impossible to tell how long she has been in the room. Finally, the door opens again and another man enters. He is also dressed in green robes. He goes to the table. O can hear that he is fingering the instruments there before deciding which one to take. He chooses one and moves so that he is standing beside her.
"Open your mouth," he says. O opens her mouth, exposing her even white teeth. "Wider," says the man. O opens as wide as she can. Her jaw aches slightly. The man inserts the instrument into her mouth. He probes the spaces between her teeth with the instrument's point, scraping and filing. O feels a sharp pain as he touches the sensitive flesh of her gums. She tastes blood but does her best not to cry out. The man continues his work, attending carefully to every space until he is satisfied. Finally, he takes the cup and raises it to O's lips. His other hand holds the basin under her chin. "Rinse," he says. O drinks the liquid in the cup, which has a strong, not unpleasant flavor of peppermint. She swills it around her mouth and spits into the basin.
The man looks down at her. "You are here to learn that oral hygiene is important," he says. "Welcome to the Clinique Dentaire de Roissy". ...more
It occurred to me that someone must by now have written A Toast to Toast. And indeed they have! Though I can't guarantee that Gideon O. Burton's fineIt occurred to me that someone must by now have written A Toast to Toast. And indeed they have! Though I can't guarantee that Gideon O. Burton's fine sonnet is included in this book...
A Toast to Toast
Of all the snacks that beckon in the night When tummies growl and gnawing hunger calls, But one can satisfy my famished plight And summons me to stumble through the halls. Oh piece of bread, so humble in your slice What magic turns your skin from white to brown? What arrogant aromas do entice When toaster pops and butter coats you down! With cinnamon and sugar or with jam I dress you in the ornaments of sweet More sated, I, than proverb's happy clam When crispy, hot and warm my lips you meet. Of every night-time treat you are the most I honor you, great food, whose name is toast.
Girl meets boy. Boy meets dragon. Girl loses boy and clothes. Girl uses paper bag as dress. Girl defeats dragon. Girl gets boy back again. Boy is ungrGirl meets boy. Boy meets dragon. Girl loses boy and clothes. Girl uses paper bag as dress. Girl defeats dragon. Girl gets boy back again. Boy is ungrateful. Boy loses girl. THE END ...more
[On the set of the PLAY-WITHIN-THE-PLAY from Birdman. EDWARD NORTON, MICHAEL KEATON, NAOMI WATTS and ANDREA RISEBOROUGH, in character, are rehearsing[On the set of the PLAY-WITHIN-THE-PLAY from Birdman. EDWARD NORTON, MICHAEL KEATON, NAOMI WATTS and ANDREA RISEBOROUGH, in character, are rehearsing the kitchen table scene]
KEATON: [the end of an impassioned speech] So what I want to know is, what do we talk about when we talk about love?
[Pause while everyone waits for the next line]
NORTON: This is a load of fucking shit.
WATTS: Mike, can't you just--
NORTON: I'm telling you, it's shit! [To KEATON] Like, who the fuck do you think you are? Raymond Carver was a genius. A solid-gold fucking genius. You're a Hollywood hasbeen who's never written anything in his life. How dare you touch his words? How dare you? How fucking dare you?
[KEATON gets slowly to his feet. He's just about to hit NORTON when his producer, ZACH GALIFIANAKIS, runs in]
GALIFIANAKIS: Guys, guys, cool it. Cool it. We're cool, right? Now Mike, why don't you explain your point to us and we'll talk about it?
NORTON: My point's pretty fucking simple. We shouldn't be doing this heap of crap.
GALIFIANAKIS: [humoring him] And what should we be doing instead?
NORTON: Well, I've been thinking about that and I can tell you right now. We should be doing Summer of the Seventeenth Doll.
GALIFIANAKIS: I'm... I'm sorry. Run that by me again?
NORTON: Summer of the Seventeenth Doll. It's a play by Ray Lawler.
GALIFIANAKIS: By who?
NORTON: Jesus Christ. He's only, like, the most important dramatist Australia's ever produced. And you haven't even heard of him.
KEATON: Look, what the fuck has this got to do with us?
NORTON: I'll tell you. There are these two cane-cutters, Barney and Roo--
NORTON: They go up to Queensland every year to cut sugar cane. They're good at it and they make a packet of money. And then they come back down south for a few months to see their women and live it up. They've got these two bar girls, see. They've been doing this for sixteen years.
KEATON: I don't--
NORTON: So like I said, they were really good in their day. Roo was a big guy, gang boss. Barney was a lady's man. But now they find they're past it. They're washed up. Roo isn't strong enough to lead the gang. Barney can't get it up any more. The women are disappointed.
[WATTS laughs involuntarily. NORTON ignores her]
NORTON: It's perfect for us. Riggan plays Roo. [He gestures at KEATON] I play Barney. You two play the women. We'll take the words of a guy who actually knows how to write great plays and we'll all be ourselves. It'll be real. Honest. Powerful. We'll blow them away.
GALIFIANAKIS: [who has been consulting his iPhone] Look Mike, this won't work. I mean, as well as the fact that we're already committed to doing Carver. There are other parts too--
NORTON: I thought of that. Sam can play Bubba. The young girl from next door. [He points to EMMA STONE, who has entered without anyone else noticing]
GALIFIANAKIS: But Mike, be reasonable. Sam's not an actress. She can't do it.
NORTON: It's not a big part. She's got a cute ass. It'll work.
[KEATON, even more angry, is about to speak, but GALIFIANAKIS gets in first]
GALIFIANAKIS: Look, we're all tired. We're not thinking straight. How about we take a break and come back in fifteen?
[The camera tracks KEATON back to his dressing room. GALIFIANAKIS tries to accompany him in, but KEATON slams the door in his face. He stands looking at the BIRDMAN poster]
THE VOICE OF BIRDMAN: You know he's right.
[KEATON's shoulders slump for a moment. Then he squares up and turns to the opposite wall, where there is another poster for the Carver play]
THE VOICE OF BIRDMAN: Do it.
[KEATON reaches out his hand towards the Carver poster and makes a mystic pass. The words blur and run, then reform as Summer of the Seventeenth Doll]
I've spent a fair amount of time over the last few weeks in the company of small children, and it's fascinating to see their reading habits. Rowie, 3,I've spent a fair amount of time over the last few weeks in the company of small children, and it's fascinating to see their reading habits. Rowie, 3, is addicted to princess books. She just can't get enough of them and wants them read to her again and again. I acquiesced and read her the Disney versions of Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid. But her parents and older relatives are starting to become concerned. Is this is a gateway drug? Could she be heading for a lifetime of romantica abuse? They've made efforts to break her habits, and Rowie already owns copies of both The Paper Bag Princess and The Worst Princess. But, so far at least, they seem to have had little effect.
I couldn't help taking an interest and soon discovered that anti-Princess books have become a recognized subgenre. My Rules for Being a Pretty Princess is yet another example, which we discovered last week at an Adelaide bookstore. I was tempted to buy it but Not vetoed the idea: unfortunately, she's probably right, and it would have been as useless as its predecessors.
What is the solution? Where is that silver bullet anti-Princess book? If it doesn't yet exist, the first person to create one is going to clean up. There's definitely a market. ...more
PAUL BRYANT: I'm sorry God, this just isn't good enough. Too much pain and suffering and Nazi atrocities. You'll have to do better than that if you wa
PAUL BRYANT: I'm sorry God, this just isn't good enough. Too much pain and suffering and Nazi atrocities. You'll have to do better than that if you want me to believe.
GOD: Right Paul, let's see what you think of my latest miracle! I've written a play exclusively for you, where I discuss these very matters with Sigmund Freud in 1938 Vienna.
PB: And what's your general line of reasoning?
GOD: Oh, you know... free will, that sort of thing. You've seen most of it already. But it's so obviously tailored exactly to fit your objections, and what's more it was written before you even made them. How about that then?
PB: Doesn't sound very convincing. Am I mentioned by name?
GOD: Well... not in so many words. But I've asked my servant Manny to say I had you in mind. He's very reliable, you must know that.
PB: I wouldn't trust Manny further than I could throw him. Which won't be very far considering that he's been stuffing himself on Australian food for the last forty days and nights.
GOD: It's true, he has rather been ignoring My dietary advice.
PB: So it's no deal. Unless I see an honest-to-goodness miracle right now, in front of my nose and without any possibility of cheating.
GOD: Come on Paul! Faith doesn't work that way. You know you won't feel any real satisfaction in overcoming your doubts if I make it so--
PB: Enough of your slippery theology, God! Put up or shut up! Where's that miracle, eh?
GOD: Oh, alright, alright. I sometimes wonder if I didn't overdo things a little when I created you. Gabriel will deliver a thousand votes as soon as he's finished taking care of today's falling sparrows. Now do you believe?
PB: Did you say a thousand votes?
GOD: It's a cheap price to pay for your everlasting salvation, Paul.
PB: Alright God, as soon as they arrive I officially promise I'm changing my mind.
GOD: Would you mind signing that in blood? Just a formality, you understand.
PB: Hey, wait a minute! I didn't think--
GOD: Honestly, Paul, don't be so skeptical all the time. Here, I'll prick your finger for you. That wasn't so bad, was it?
PB: I guess not. So, which review will they be on? Maybe my Murakami--
GOD: Oh, they're not for you. Whatever gave you that idea? They're for Manny.
PB: What?? Give me back that contract! I don't think you're God at all, you dirty--
GOD: Sorry Paul, gotta go take care of a couple of mass extinctions and stuff. See you around!
VOTE FOR THIS REVIEW AND SAVE PAUL'S SOUL! NOT ONLY THAT, YOUR LAST THREE SINS WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY FORGIVEN. GUARANTEED BY THE POPE*
* The guy in the bar said he was the Pope, anyway. I guess I should have asked for ID.
Need a Title!!! A Bunch of my Goodreads Reviews 739 of my Goodreads Reviews 327 of my Goodreads Reviews 501 of my Goodreads Reviews 501 Books I Keep AnnoyiNeed a Title!!! A Bunch of my Goodreads Reviews 739 of my Goodreads Reviews 327 of my Goodreads Reviews 501 of my Goodreads Reviews 501 Books I Keep Annoying My Friends With 501 Books I Kind of Like But There's No Earthly Reason You Will 501 Books I Kind of Like Some of Which Are Actually Good 501 Books I Like All of Which Are Really Good Cross My Heart 501 Books I Sometimes Tell People They Might Want to Read 501 Books I Often Tell People They Should Read 501 Books I Tell People They Must Read 501 Books You Must Read 501 Must-Read Books ...more