[Breakfast at the Banks's. MR BANKS eats his toast with an irritated expression]
MR BANKS: Winifred?
MRS BANKS: Yes dear?
MR BANKS: Don't you sometimes think that Mary Poppins is a little too, how shall I put it, magical?
MRS BANKS: Yes dear.
MR BANKS: Then don't you think we should do something about it?
MRS BANKS: Yes dear.
MR BANKS: Well, what are we going to do then?
MRS BANKS: Don't worry, dear, I've engaged a new nanny to help her. She's not magical at all. I'm sure you'll like her very much.
MR BANKS [deflated]: Oh. Good.
[JANE and MICHAEL rush in, followed by MARY POPPINS and MRS BEETON]
MRS BANKS: And here she is. Children, you have a big day ahead of you. Michael, have you taken your cod-liver oil?
MICHAEL [truculent scowl]: No. I don't like it.
MARY POPPINS: Now, Michael, remember what I always say. A spoonful of sugar...
[She has taken out a spoonful of white sugar. Michael eyes it disgustedly]
MRS BEETON: Ah, Mary, I think Michael might prefer some unrefined cane sugar, with just the smallest hint of vanilla. We tried it last night and he said it was a vast improvement. Here we are...
[She takes out a second spoonful. Michael swallows it avidly, followed by the cod-liver oil. MARY looks surprised]
MRS BEETON: But we must hurry, mustn't we? There was that tea-party we were going to attend...
[The scene rapidly flips to a tea party on UNCLE ALBERT's ceiling. MARY pours out the tea. JANE takes a sip and is visibly unimpressed]
BERT: What's wrong, Jane?
JANE: Where do I start? This is Earl Grey, and not my favourite brand either. The tea-pot hasn't been warmed. And the milk is off.
[UNCLE ALBERT, BERT and MARY look helpless. MRS BEETON reaches into her handbag]
MRS BEETON: As it happens, I do have a little Darjeeling here and a bottle of fresh milk. Please let me help.
[She tips out the offending tea, expertly makes a fresh pot and pours out new cups for everyone. JANE gazes at her with shining eyes, while MARY tries hard to seem unconcerned. The children drink their tea contentedly]
MARY POPPINS: I'm terribly sorry, we must go. You're visiting your father's bank.
CHILDREN: Awwww, already?
[The scene flips again to the street in front of Saint Paul's Cathedral. The BIRD WOMAN is selling bags of crumbs]
BIRD WOMAN: Feed the birds! Tuppence a bag!
MICHAEL: Can I buy one?
[MRS BEETON bends down, picks up a stray crumb and examines it carefully]
MRS BEETON: Well, this is simply monstrous! Cheap, stale, white bread, I'm sure it's giving those poor sparrows stomache-aches. And tuppence a bag must be at least a 1000% markup.
MICHAEL: But I want to feed the birds!
MRS BEETON: Fortunately, I came prepared. [She reaches into her bag again] The loaf I baked this morning, for a total cost of one ha'penny, was enough to make a bag for you [she gives one to MICHAEL], Jane, [one for JANE], your father [one for MR BANKS] and even one for this kind gentleman here [she hands one to THE OLDER MR DAWES, who has just joined them].
[Everyone feeds the birds, who can't get enough of the delicious bread]
THE OLDER MR DAWES [to MICHAEL]: So what brings you here, young fellow?
MICHAEL: I'd like to invest my tuppence in your bank, sir.
THE OLDER MR DAWES: Would you indeed!
MICHAEL: Yes, I would! Then I'll be part of... railways through Africa! Dams across the Nile!
JANE [whispers to MICHAEL]: The ships! Tell him about the ships!
MICHAEL: Fleets of ocean greyhounds! Plantations of ripening tea!
JANE: Darjeeling, of course.
MICHAEL: All for tuppence, prudently, carefully, invested in the...
THE OLDER MR DAWES: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, young fellow. It must come from your father.
MICHAEL: No, from Mrs... [JANE kicks him], I mean, yes sir. Father's taught us all about finance. It's very interesting.
THE OLDER MR DAWES: Has he now? That reminds me, Banks, there's a place coming up on the Board. Perhaps we should talk about it.
MR BANKS: I'd be honoured, sir.
THE OLDER MR DAWES: Well, don't just stand there! Do come in [he ushers them into the bank], Banks, your two charming children, this delightful lady here [he gives a courtly bow to MRS BEETON], and, ah, wasn't there another member of the party?
[He looks around, surprised, but MARY POPPINS has unaccountably disappeared] (less)
This early draft of Macbeth, recently translated from the original Klingon, casts new light on the play and has already caused its fair share of controversy. We present two extracts. _____________________________________________
Surely no man suspects I killed the King? Or if they do, they durst not breathe a word Knowing our wrath...
Well, actually, my lord There's quite a few down at the bar who say The whole thing stinks and something's going on I think that if you went and called the cops And told them to investigate a bit Nothing excessive, sure, they know the drill It might be smart.
Hush, fool, and still thy tongue Another word will surely be thy last And yet it might be good to make a show Of seeking truth when all we want is lies To this end have I summoned us some help Two private dicks I'm sure we can control I have them here.
[Enter HOLMES and WATSON]
Come in guys, don't be shy.
I've told them everything they need to know
[She winks heavily at MACBETH and the ATTENDANT]
They'll start investigating right away So all can see no coverup's afoot.
[HOLMES takes out his magnifying glass and starts examining the rug]
Have on't good sir, thy diligence to show! And prove Macbeth is whiter than the snow. _____________________________________________
[Night in the castle. Without, the PORTER is taking regular nips from his hip-flask and has evidently been doing so for some time. Within, WATSON, alone, is waiting for HOLMES to return.
Enter MACBETH without]
How now, my man? The night is bitter cold.
Marry, there be no night so cold that a drop of whiskey will not warm me. Ifaith, I say, more cold, that I may have the more occasion for to cure it! Many a time have I disputed this with the Englishman, but he is of another mind. What care I: he may partake of his white snuff, I of my trusty flask here, and we are both the happier. God save your Majesty!
[He takes another nip]
What sayeth the Englishman?
He is a mighty one for secrets. He examines old stained clothes with his glass, and the marks of shoes, and he holds converse with the servants. And he writes in his book, and nods, and nods again. But why he nods, that I cannot tell ye.
What has he said?
When eight bells sounded, I heard them together. I know, Watson, he said, and soon will I have proof.
[MACBETH starts violently]
Knowst thy Majesty whereof he spoke?
I will ask him direct.
[MACBETH moves towards the door. Meanwhile, WATSON has been shivering, rubbing his arms, etc]
I never dreamed that Scotland was so chill! My ears are freezing. I'll just put this on.
[He dons HOLMES's deerstalker hat and sighs in contentment]
How warm and comfy. Wait! What was that noise?
[He moves to the window and listens, turning his back to the door. MACBETH enters. Thinking he sees HOLMES, he stabs WATSON in the back. WATSON falls and MACBETH realises his mistake]
Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! I took thee for thy better...
Hey, come on That bit's from Hamlet. Oh, well, never mind.
[Dies. HOLMES has meanwhile entered, and is pointing something at MACBETH]
Thou mangy, wretched, murderous damn'd dog! I have thee covered: make no sudden moves.
Covered? With what? Thy words mean aught to me Threaten me not: no man of woman born May kill Macbeth
[He moves towards HOLMES, still holding his sword]
But hark! I am no man Rather an android, sent from future times To rid the world of such foul fiends as thee. I know thou murderedst Banquo; Duncan too; Lastly poor Watson. Let us make an end.
[He shoots MACBETH with his phaser]
Jesus and Mary, none of this makes sense And now you'll say you fired in self-defence.
I will. This night shalt thou with demons sup Okay, I'm done here. Scotty, beam me up.
- Count Tolstoy, to what do I owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit?
- Mrs Beeton, admit defeat. Your goose is cooked.
- What, already? Let me check the thermometer... no, still well under 180 degrees, so I'm relieved to see you are mistaken. But that reminds me, I must put on the potatoes and beans. I apologise, I'd love to chat, but this is a rather busy moment. Could you pass me the salt? No, not that box, the sea salt, it's down at the bottom near the back. Oh, I'm sorry you banged your head. I must find a better place to put it.
- Yes, of course, sit down by all means. How dreadful, you suddenly look quite faint. Perhaps it's a little too hot in here, but, as they say, if you can't stand the heat...
It was a most enjoyable picnic. Pooh was just finishing the last bit of honey and licking around the edge of the pot in a Contented Way, when he suddenly realised that he was sitting on something. Something damp and squishy. Something...
"Oh bother!!" said Pooh. "Drat and bother and double bother!!! I've sat on two of Rabbit's Friends and Relations! Oh, what will Christopher Robin say!"
Christopher Robin came over and examined the two former mice.
"Pooh," he said gravely, "these are not Friends and Relations. They are Deadly Killer Mice From Outer Space. You are the Best Bear In The World, and you have Saved The Hundred Acre Wood."
And Pooh had never felt so proud and happy in all his life. (less)