I really enjoyed Major Pettigrew's Last Stand and was eager to read Helen Simonson's sophomore attempt. Unfortunately this book was a disappointment. Although Simonsen's ability to craft a multilayered sentence was amply evident here, it was actually to the book's detriment as people engaged in dialogue that was long on eloquence and short on verissimilitude. This was most obvious when our hero and heroine conversed. Their detail-heavy exchanges were rather surprising for two people who barely knew each other, yet there was no sense that their actual relationship was deepening. The characters in this book were mostly interchangeable and the plotline felt clicheed for historical fiction; independent ahead-of-her-time single woman moves to town and wants to fight societal norms (she wants to write a book! Everyone in these novels wants to write a book!), swears she'll never marry (hmm, do you think this wonderful guy she keeps talking to will test her resolve?), she's younger and prettier than they had expected (don't things ever happen to average-looking people?), etc., etc.
I just lost patience after a while, and even though I enjoyed the convenience of being able to read this on my phone (free ARC from Netgalley; I do feel guilty panning it and dnfing it), it simply didn't do it for me....more
Though lighter in tone than the works of Oliver Sacks, this book similarly contained many fascinating tales of neurological damage and its idiosyncratic effects. It also asked a number of profound questions about the age-old mind/body problem and whether we truly have free choice given increasing evidence that our personalities and practically everything we do can be located in our neurology.
This fun and breezy book is a window not only into the social mores of modern dating but into some of the ways in which technology has impacted the waThis fun and breezy book is a window not only into the social mores of modern dating but into some of the ways in which technology has impacted the way we think and interact.
Aziz starts out by exploring the ways in which dating has changed in just a few decades. Whereas adults once expected to get married in their early twenties, today they tend to spend that decade exploring a variety of options before settling down (maybe) in their late twenties or early thirties. Unlike those in earlier generations who were happy to select from a limited pool and settle down with a good-enough spouse for a companionate marriage, people today tend to seek their soul mates and want a marriage that will be instantaneously passionate and fulfill a wide range of lofty expectations -- a set-up for inevitable disappointment, some scholars say.
The protocol of asking someone out has changed as well. The rise of texting has led, it seems, to heightened anxiety about actually calling a prospective date. Texting also tends to depersonalize the other person and disinhibit the texter, and texts can be highly embarrassing or, perhaps worse, generic and noncommittal. Texting can also result in an endless and unproductive back-and-forth before people actually meet, and some confusion about whether the person is being asked to "hang out" or asked out on a real date. When the dater is actually interested in the person, a whole lot of mind games ensue (e.g., how long to wait before texting back, the length of your texts vs. the length of their texts, etc.). Then, there's the question of how to respond if you're not interested in dating the person who texted you. Etiquette just gets more and more complicated, it seems.
Aziz goes on to discuss online dating and the impact of having exponentially more dating choices. "That's the thing about the Internet," says Aziz. "It doesn't simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it...we live in a culture that tells us we want and deserve the best, and now we have the technology to get it." We have an unprecedented number of romantic options today, but is having more choices a good thing?
Aziz explains the concepts of maximizers, people who do a rigorous amount of research to seek out the best, and satisficers, who are happy to make do with good-enough. In today's day and age, with the Internet, why not be a maximizer, right? Interestingly, research has found that with regard to jobs, maximizers put more time and effort into their job search and land better jobs but are less satisfied with them. Satisficers, on the other hand, have jobs that seem worse on paper but actually report higher job satisfaction. What happens is that the maximizers, who research a large number of jobs, end up creating a fantasy in their mind combining the best features of all the jobs they've researched and wishing for this unattainable ideal. The same may very well be true for people who perceive themselves as having lots of dating options available.
In fact, in another famous experiment, while people are more likely to sample jams from a stand that offers many choices, they're more likely to actually buy jams from a stand that sells a smaller number of flavors. Aziz seems to suggest that daters would be better off focusing on a smaller number of people and trying to get to know them better rather than allowing themselves to be continually distracted by the availability of so many other options.
With so many options available, people can also set the bar unrealistically high for a first date to impress them. This is compounded by the fact that first dates are often boring, taking place in banal settings with unoriginal choices of activity and conversation. They arguably don't offer daters the opportunity to show much personality or creativity, in contrast to more original date settings. Aziz also suggests giving dates more than one opportunity to impress you; many first dates are just okay whereas second and third dates can give someone an opportunity to warm up and improve rapport.
After going cross-cultural to inform us about the dating scenes in Tokyo and Buenos Aires, Aziz discusses the impact of technology on many age-old dating behaviors, e.g., jealousy, infidelity, and sexual intimacy. He explores the rise of sexting, the disinhibiting effect of texting and social media on infidelity, the fact that difficult breakup conversations can now take place on screens rather than in person, and the temptation to monitor your significant other's activities by snooping in their phone and/or computer.
Aziz then explores the process of deciding to settle down in a serious relationship as opposed to continuing to play the field. Casual dating is fun for a while, says Aziz, but eventually it gets old, particularly as your single buddies increasingly couple off. Despite this, it can still be difficulty to take the plunge and remove oneself from the single life, where there is always the theoretical possibility of an "upgrade."
Aziz discusses the typical phases of relationships, passionate love followed by companionate love. Passionate love is, and should be, short-lived; the world couldn't function if people remained infatuated with their partners and obsessed with their relationships. That being said, the transition from passionate love to companionate love can create some challenges. In some cases, as the haze dissipates, people realize that they've made a poor choice of partner. Even in the best-case scenario, the relationship's waning excitement can make people wonder if they've made a poor choice. According to researchers, this phase is normal and typical and, if you stick it out, you'll often find that you've created a deeper relationship.
Examining all of this, Aziz asked an interesting question. Wouldn't life be more enjoyable with a series of multiple passionate relationships, so that someone can repeatedly experience passionate love rather than only experiencing it once and having it dissolve into apparently more mundane companionate love? The answer he received from the psychologist he asked bears quoting: "If you think the best life would be the one with the most passion in it, then yes, that strategy would be much better than getting married. Falling in love is the most intense and wonderful experience..." However, the psychologist adds that there is another way of thinking about satisfaction -- what he calls the narrative view, "that the best life is about building a story." He states: "If you take a narrative view, there are different things to accomplish at different stages of life. Dating and having these passionate flings are perfect when you're younger, but some of the greatest joys of life come from nurturing and from what' called 'generativity.' People have strong strivings to build something, to do something, to leave something behind. And of course having children is one way of doing that. My own experience having children is that I discovered there were rooms in my heart that I didn't even know were there. And if I had committed to a life of repeated sexual flings, I never would have opened those doors. If you think the whole point of life is to gaze into your lover's eyes all day until you die -- well, then, I wouldn't want your life." Aziz also tells us honestly that although it's one thing to imagine a single life that is an endless series of passionate relationships, the reality is far more complicated and less satisfying.
Since many of my clients are adult singles seeking a relationship, it was fascinating to get this window into today's dating world and how things have changed. What I truly appreciated, though, was the opportunity to consider the impact of technology on our functioning beyond dating. The accessibility of so many choices -- good for us, or bad for us? Is it better to be a maximizer or a satisficer? Finally, Aziz points out that although books like this can make us get negative about technology and its impact and romanticize the past, the reality is more nuanced. Technology also gives us tools to store, remember, and share reminders of our love for each other. And finally, Aziz tells us, "no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them. We're better off spending quality time getting to know actual people than spending hours with our devices, seeing who else is out there."...more
It's always a tough call for me to give a book five stars. I'm afraid of overselling something and then disappointing people (although my critical revIt's always a tough call for me to give a book five stars. I'm afraid of overselling something and then disappointing people (although my critical reviews appear to offend more people than my hyperbolic ones). I was also reluctant because the beginning of this book felt like hackneyed, well-trod ground and I wasn't sure I should bother to keep reading. But I did, and this book completely grew on me, with insights that I found original, useful, and truly resonant. So five stars it is.
Leonard Sax, impressively, is a family physician who also has a Ph.D. in psychology. He has been practicing medicine for about 20 years, and has also traveled cross-culturally to examine current developments with children and adolescents. His book is informative and heavily footnoted but also easily readable, which is nice. Sax begins with the problems and then offers some solutions.
Sax starts off by describing a "culture of disrespect" which has developed in America. He reports that schools were once more responsible for imparting cultural rules in the early years, but have changed their focus to academics so that the burden of socializing children falls more heavily on parents than it once did. Alas, parents today suffer from role confusion, wanting to be their child's friend and the object of their affection and confusing authority (which Sax defines as having their opinion valued by their children) with discipline (i.e., enforcing rules). Feeling uncomfortable disciplining too harshly, parents relinquish their claim to authority. As a result, children value their same-age peers' opinions more than those of their parents. Sax makes the interesting claim that this contributes to an increase in anxiety and fragility in children (ironically, sometimes manifested as excessive reassurance seeking from parents in early adulthood after having soundly rejected their opinion in adolescence) because they seek the elusive conditional approval of their friends rather than valuing the unconditional support of their parents.
Sax then takes on a number of contemporary childhood challenges. He writes convincingly about childhood obesity as a function of parents' abdicating authority over their children's food choices. Then there's that topic so close to my heart as a psychologist, the overprescription of psychotropic medication for kids. According to Sax, a number of behavioral problems for which medication is prescribed might be better addressed by turning off devices so that children sleep more at night, teaching children self-control by setting and enforcing limits, and, according to some surprisingly stark research findings, eating dinner as a family. Apparently, at almost every step from zero up to seven evening meals consumed as a family per week, each extra dinner a child has with a parent significantly decreases the risk of emotional and behavioral problems -- not to mention reducing the risk of obesity. Finally, Sax explores possible reasons for American students' underachievement and emotional fragility.
So much for problems. Lest we get too depressed, Sax does move into some possible solutions. He makes a compelling case for bringing back those underrated virtues, self-control and humility. He encourages parents to make changes that will help them actually enjoy time spent with their children. Finally, in one of my favorite chapters, he encourages parents to teach children about the meaning of life which he quotes as meaningful work, a person to love, and a cause to embrace. He challenges the "middle class script," which he describes as work hard in school so you can get into a good college --> get into a good college so you can get a good job --> get a good job and then you will make a good living and have a good life. Of course, this is a script I have been zealously promoting to my four children so I must admit that reading this gave me pause. I'm no fan of poverty and want financial security for my children, so it felt like Sax and I were parting ways here.
But Sax redeemed himself for me when he described what he calls "the Flashdance illusion." Based on the 1980s movie, Sax describes this as, "Go for your dream. If you work hard enough, it will happen. If you build it, they will come." This is a toxic script, says Sax, leading kids to focus on one narrative: "initial failure must be met with the resolve to try harder in the same domain, leading to ultimate success." Instead, Sax advocates being willing to accept failure and try other things. He also advocates finding meaning not through personal success but through character development, and moving away from Hollywood-esque self-absorption and into service and integrity. Achievement vs. happiness is a false dichotomy, says Sax. Instead, have a sense of meaning in your life so that you know why your achievement is worth pursuing.
It's always a good sign when I find myself folding down pages of a book because there are passages I want to remember -- for myself, for clients, etc. Definitely a keeper. Five stars....more
I was underwhelmed by The Cuckoo's Calling, the first book in this series, and picked up its sequel The Silkworm reluctantly but found myself pleasantI was underwhelmed by The Cuckoo's Calling, the first book in this series, and picked up its sequel The Silkworm reluctantly but found myself pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable it was. So I was eager to read the third book in the series, Career of Evil, and was unfortunately somewhat disappointed.
Like The Cuckoo's Calling, this book was certainly readable enough and entertaining for what it was, but I didn't love it. Maybe some of it was the fact that I ended up listening to part of it on audio only to have my digital copy remanded by the library, with a long gap before the hard copy finally arrived for me at my local library. So it's possible that the audio and/or the long gap detracted from my experience. That being said, I was bothered by the characterization of Matthew, Robin's long-suffering fiance, who is becoming even more of a cartoon. I was also annoyed by the occasional interludes where we're inside the serial killer's head; I found them distracting and annoying and felt they detracted rather than adding.
Eh. Not bad if you're in the mood for a mystery and/or curious about what happens next to Robin and Strike, but I know J. K. can do better and I hope she will in the next one, which I will probably pick up despite my curmudgeonly review....more
Although my feelings about Ruth Reichl's books have been somewhat mixed since her first memoir, Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table, I will saAlthough my feelings about Ruth Reichl's books have been somewhat mixed since her first memoir, Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table, I will say that this book actually had a lot to recommend it. It's kind of halfway between a cookbook and a memoir, with some touching sections about Ruth's emotional struggles after the abrupt termination of "Gourmet" Magazine and her editorship and how cooking, and eventually turning her cooking experiences into this cookbook, comforted her. Ruth writes poignantly as well as sensuously about the experience of cooking, to the point where some poetic lines would come back to me as I shopped and cooked for my far more mundane meals and actually made me appreciate how mindful this process can be. Additionally, the photographs were absolutely gorgeous and enhanced the overall effect of the book.
Why only three stars, then? Once again, I'm being entirely subjective. As a kosher cook of family-friendly meals who really can't devote my days to finding and using exotic ingredients, most of the recipes (appealing though they sounded) were truly impractical for my lifestyle. Also, this may simply be my anal nature but I get annoyed with cookbooks that are organized thematically rather than practically -- I just want to know where to look when I want to choose a soup, a side dish, etc. So this book was a bit schizophrenic in that it wasn't really a memoir -- the memoir pieces were relatively brief and broken up regularly by recipes -- and it also wouldn't work for me as a cookbook, given the incompatibility of the recipes with my realities.
Still, though, the process of leafing through this was actually quite enjoyable for me and, while I wouldn't purchase it for myself, I could see it making a nice gift for someone who's a devoted gourmet cook or foodie as well as a reader....more
This slim book, a relatively fast read, documented an interesting dialogue between staunch atheist Sam Harris and former Muslim radical Maajid Nawaz.This slim book, a relatively fast read, documented an interesting dialogue between staunch atheist Sam Harris and former Muslim radical Maajid Nawaz. Nawaz offers us a fascinating and nuanced view of how radicalism develops (making this an interesting book to read in tandem with Memoirs of a Jewish Extremist: An American Story) as well as various Muslim communities' relationships with their heritage and with radical views.
I only gave it three stars, though, because I found Nawaz's sections lengthy, rambling, and hard to follow at times (this could just be me) and ultimately, I'm not sure what I'm really walking away with. This book feels to me like a nice beginning rather than a comprehensive addressing of the various issues, which I guess is to be expected given its short length. That being said, I think it's a worthwhile read with much to discuss....more
My five star rating is entirely subjective. I don't know how others might feel about this book, or whether it would speak to them the way it spoke toMy five star rating is entirely subjective. I don't know how others might feel about this book, or whether it would speak to them the way it spoke to me. I found it highly compelling, but I'm sure that has at least as much to do with my own background and interests as with the book's objective power.
I very much enjoyed Like Dreamers: The Paratroopers Who Reunited Jerusalem in the Six-Day War, and the Divided Israel They Created and was eager to read this, the author's far more personal book. Here, Yossi Klein Halevi describes his Orthodox childhood in 1950s-1970s Boro Park, raised by a Holocaust survivor father whose views were very much shaped by his experiences and the broader reactions of Jewry to the Holocaust. From an early age, Yossi felt passionate about wanting to fight for Jewish causes and sacrificed his grades and other more typical pursuits as well as intellectually honest complex thinking in service of becoming a radical activist. As Yossi matured, he began to struggle with the fascinating insight that rather than a way to fully embrace life, his activist activities were actually an escape. Gradually, he distanced himself from radical friends and ways of thinking and found more moderate ways to advocate for fellow Jews, joining the ranks of individuals he had earlier disdained.
Some of the appeal of this book for me, admittedly, lay in the familiarity of Yossi's childhood context (although he's significantly older than I am) and the influences that shaped his thinking. I also loved his passion and his earnest desire to act, not just think and feel. Most of all, though, I appreciated Yossi's honesty and insight. While adeptly helping the reader feel what he felt and understand his choices, Yossi remains self-critical and causes you to consider the flaws as well as the appeal of embracing an activist view....more
I know I'm a snob, but I can put aside those tendencies for a really good thriller. And this book started outThis book started out with such promise.
I know I'm a snob, but I can put aside those tendencies for a really good thriller. And this book started out that way. It had a great premise, family dysfunction that was explored rather than glossed over, and dialogue that sounded not only sharp but real (many authors are lucky if they achieve just one of those goals in their dialogue). It was so readable at first. Then, the psychopathy just got to be over the top. With The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I was somehow compelled to keep reading despite this. Here, I just got sick and tired of the whole torture thing.
Many other people really liked this, so don't take my word for it. I would actually be open to trying another of Karin Slaughter's books; she definitely has potential as an author and really had me hooked for a while there (and her other books have higher goodreads ratings than this one does, for what that's worth). But eventually, despite nearing the end, I just had to put this one down....more
This book chronicles three families' experiences leaving the U.S. and creating a life in Israel. The families' circumstances, backgrounds, and time frThis book chronicles three families' experiences leaving the U.S. and creating a life in Israel. The families' circumstances, backgrounds, and time frames vary. One idealistic newlywed couple leaves America for pre-state Israel post-WWII, another individual moves back and forth between America and Israel as an adolescent in the 1960s/1970s and ultimately finds himself in Israel, and finally a modern Orthodox family in the early 2000s relocates from Queens with a great deal of turmoil and adjustment challenges.
I found this book very readable and engaging but, other than the stories of the families themselves, wasn't sure what I was left with at the end. The author acknowledges that, as a ninth generation Israeli who chose to relocate to America, he wrote the book in part to wrestle with his own conflicts over the choice to live in Israel and didn't actually reach any conclusions. Although the individuals in the book speak for themselves about their satisfaction with their decision, the author remains unsure of why someone would abandon the comforts of America to live in Israel which was a bit surprising to me. Also interesting is the author's expressed antipathy to his own book more than a decade later; he apparently wrote a goodreads review bashing it and did the same on his podcast, Unorthodox. I kind of wonder why he's so down on his book, which I feel explores an interesting topic in an engaging way even if it perhaps falls short of anything profound.
In any case, as someone who also feels close to the topic of moving to Israel, this book spoke to me. It was also a short, quick read that maintained my interest which is always a positive thing. I'm only giving it three stars, though, because ultimately it's pretty forgettable and would probably only appeal to a limited audience....more