You rip my heart out of my chest, squeeze it, bounce of the wall like a tennis ball, burn and shred it, put it back together a...moreDamn you Patrick Ness!!
You rip my heart out of my chest, squeeze it, bounce of the wall like a tennis ball, burn and shred it, put it back together and then shove it back in.
I’m not sure what to do with it now.
One night a monster came to call on Conor just after midnight. The monster looks like the yew tree from his back yard, but all big and scary and, well, walking about. But what the monster really is, is a monster we all deal with, he is the ‘fear of loss’ monster. Not ‘loss’ itself exactly, but the fear of that moment that will change everything. The moment when that loved one you know you could ‘never live without’ is gone…..forever. Now what?
I am not a religious person, but I have a strong belief that the world we see with our eyes is not at all the beginning and the end of it. There is something else, but damned if I know the details. I say this because this book came to me at a time I needed it to. I've had it sitting in my library for a while and when I started it, it was because I just finished a very long book and this one was nice and short (or at least, that's why I thought I picked it up). I had no idea what it was about.
Currently I am dealing with the impending loss of a dear loved one. My dog, Jackson, is almost fourteen and a week ago he became very ill with vomiting and diarrhea (yeah, I know he’s not a person, but hey, he’s my friend). He was hospitalized for four days, getting fluid therapy. The vomiting and diarrhea got better but his blood work came back with troubling numbers involving his liver. He’s most probably has cancer in his liver and there is nothing that is going to change that. He’s going to die…..could be a few months….a year….or tomorrow. But tonight he is doing alright.
I’m faced with this monster, fear of loss, and also the monster that is unique when dealing with a pet, the fear of not knowing when to call it a day. The fear of un-necessary suffering. Since we do have the option to end the suffering of our pets, but not with our human loved ones (this is somehow wrong, in my opinion), some things in this book made more sense when thinking in terms of euthanasia.
“You must speak the truth and you must speak it now, Conor O'Malley. Say it. You must."
Conor shook his head again, his mouth clamped shut tight, but he could feel a burning in his chest, like a fire someone had lit there, a miniature sun, blazing away and burning him from the inside.
“It'll kill me if I do,” he gasped.
"It will kill you if you do not, the monster said. You must say it.”
Boy did this run chills up my spine, since I think this thought a lot these days…..
“And he spoke the words, he spoke the truth. He told the rest of the fourth tale. “I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!” He cried out as the fire raged around him. “I CAN’T STAND KNOWING THAT SHE’LL GO! I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER! I JUST WANT IT TO BE FINISHED!”
Of course I go back and forth, wrestling on what the right decision for Jackson is, worrying that I’m not going to know what it is and also wanting it to be over…..and feeling horrible for feeling that way. And at the same time knowing that this is completely normal.
“The answer is that it does not matter what you think, the monster said, because your mind will contradict itself a hundred times each day. You wanted her to go at the same time you were desperate for me to save her. Your mind will believe comforting lies while also knowing the painful truths that make those lies necessary. And your mind will punish you for believing both.”
This book is amazing. Really. Go on, read it. Do it. It's relevant to everyone since we all have loss. I've lost a loved one who was young and left tragically. I've lost loved ones who've gone after long illnesses and I've lost one who left very peacefully, yet unexpectedly. This book is relevant to all of these.
“And a part of you wished it would just end, said the monster, even if it meant losing her.”
Jackson only had two more days after all. He took a turn for the worse and I had to end his suffering today 11/1/13 at 4:10 on this cold, gray and rainy afternoon.....fitting.
I have been researching the hell out of this subject and it's incredibly hard to find any information on this.
Pictorial calligraphy (or name painting, or leather brush art) has only been in the states for little over a decade. For those who don't know what it is, it's an art that forms letters (typically names) from little pleasing images of animals, suns, flowers....ect.
As an art whore this is one of the things I attempt to do for events....attempt, because I'm doing a lot of guessing. What I do impresses people enough I guess, but I feel like I'm just flinging spaghetti at the wall and hoping some of it sticks.
I know the leather I need and where to get it, but I have not been able to fashion the 'right' brushes out of it. And the paints and/or ink has also been guess work and not quite right. And the book above is the only book in existence and it seems....well....meh.
Which is part of a series, in which I will watch, but as you saw in the video the artist asks "So....how much is this worth to you?" referring to all the information I so dearly want, like he's some sort of mobbed up artist (so funny!!).
But, I almost want write him to find out the price because I NEED THIS ILLUSIVE INFORMATION!!
So, my international friends, do any of you know anything about pictorial calligraphy that could help a girl out?....please?(less)