I could be all serious about this, but in honour of that 12 foot statue of Colin Firth floating in Hyde Park, I'm going to give it a miss.
INTRO: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune is probably gay. Seriously, if he was into titties some lady would have put that on lock, and fast. But sometimes...
MRS BENNET: I hear Netherfield is now housing dick with money. I mean Mr Bingley. Look at our poor girls, in such need... of a husband.
MR BENNET: So...
MRS BENNET: You must visit at once!
MR BENNET: But I'm not into dick.
MRS BENNET: Oh, Mr Bennet, don't you see we must be rid of the veritable litter of children we've had?
MR BENNET: Well, send them - In fact, send Mary first, she eats the most, if we're lucky they'll keep her. 'Cause I'm not going.
MRS BENNET: Oh, girls! Your future, look at it! Dickless as far as the eye can see. You can blame you father for that! Oh, if he'd only gone to visit Mr Bingley. Well I never want to hear his name again!
MR BENNET: Wish you'd said so, I wouldn't have dropped by the place and introduced myself.
MRS BENNET: Oh, girls! Dick's back on the menu!
~later at the ball~
LIZZIE: Who is that sexual being standing next to Mr Bingley? Let a bitch know.
CHARLOTTE: That's that Mr Darcy. He's loaded.
LIZZIE: How loaded?
CHARLOTTE: I've heard it told he swims in his money like they did on Ducktales.
LIZZIE: Well, I'd love to dance with him, if you know what I mean. It means I would do him, in case I wasn't clear.
BINGLEY: *holding a red cup* Bro, this party's so rad. Why aren't you dancing? Look! One of the Bennet sisters! I think... Chances, are! There's so many of them, you can spit anywhere and hit one. Why don't you go and try to get a piece of that?
Darcy: Nah, bro.
BINGLEY: Dude, are you gay? It's okay if you are - in fact, this one time in Eton, I--
Darcy: Nah, bro. You're dancing with the only hot babe in the room.
BINGLEY: What about her older sister? She's kind of hot.
DARCY: I'd hit it and quit it - ya dig?
LIZZIE: Charlotte, grab my earrings!
WICKHAM: Hey girl, what's up?
WICKHAM: Do you know this dude, Darcy? He's a total douche-nozzle. Can you believe he stole my shit?
LIZZIE: I knew it!
JANE: Lizzie, perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to judge--
LIZZIE: Jane, you know I hate it when people don't hate the people I hate. Correct yourself.
LIZZIE: Can't believe I'm being forced to stay under the same roof as that asshole...
DARCY: ...You can read!
LIZZIE: Miss me with this ignorant shit.
DARCY: She's got fire!
BINGLEY: Hey bro.
DARCY: Bro, Lizzie has such fine eyes!
BINGLEY: Fine ass?
DARCY: Nah, bro! Eyes. Fine eyes!
BINGLEY: Is that... is that a sexual euphemism?
DARCY: I think I'm in love, bro.
DARCY: Liz, you know how you're poor as fuck. And your family revolts me? And it's just demeaning to even be seen talking to you?
LIZZIE: Are you trying to run into my knife? Are you trying to run into my knife TEN times?
DARCY: Baby girl I'm trying to tell you that I love you.
DARCY: Will you marry me? Lol, of course you will, I mean, look at me, damn.
DARCY: Nah, bro, she didn't actually twist my nutsack off, I'm saying that's how it felt. She just used words and shit. But hear me out, I'm gonna pen her a letter: "Hey baby girl let me hit that sweet ass" is in iambic pentameter, it can't fail... also I should mention that Wickham stuff, probably.
LIZZIE: *writing* Dear Jane, maybe I've made a mistake... I've been to Pemberley. Mr Darcy has HUGE... tracts of land.
LIZZIE: So... Thanks for helping my sister. We can be best buds, now.
DARCY: Baby girl don't toy with me. Ya know how I feel. If ya feel like I feel... Ya feel me?
Generally speaking, I know how good a book is if I almost die while reading it. I tend to read while walking...moreOriginally posted at Paperback Wonderland.
Generally speaking, I know how good a book is if I almost die while reading it. I tend to read while walking and if the book is good enough, chances are I'll stupidly walk into traffic and almost give some innocent driver a heart-attack.
That didn't happen with the Faery Rebel series, I only tripped and fell onto some train tracks while reading them, but I knew then and there that they were wonderful.
First of all, the main protagonist is a tiny fairy who still manages to be more badass than almost all action heroes combined. Seriously, Rambo had better watch out for Knife, if he wanders too near her tree - that's how awesome she is. Second, I absolutely LOVE that R.J. Anderson included a main character who is not able-bodied. In most fantasy books these characters either do not exist or there's some magic to make it all a-ok. I can not emphasise enough how great it is to have one who, for lack of a more literary expression, "keeps it real". And third, the plot! I could start quoting and commenting but I'd just end up quoting the whole thing and making a fool of myself, and even with the spoilers tag I could not do it justice.
I have nothing but great things to say about Birthmarked, it's one of those books that went into my favourite shelf as soon as I had finished reading...moreI have nothing but great things to say about Birthmarked, it's one of those books that went into my favourite shelf as soon as I had finished reading it.
Quite honestly, I've lost count of how many people I've recommended it to.
Birthmarked does a wonderful thing which has become rarer and rarer these days: it focuses on the plot without letting it be overwhelmed by the romance, BUT without relegating the romance to the role of an afterthought.
The plot is strong and addictive. Really, is there anything that will manage to mess up our collective protective instincts, as a species, as having to save babies? There is a sense of urgency throughout the entire book that'll keep you reading and reading and crush you under a tide of depression when you get to the last page and realize there is no more to read. Seriously, I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms.
This review is, admittedly, all over the place, but bear in mind it's a vast improvement over the original:
"Did you like The Hunger Games? THEN READ THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW. I'd push a horde of cripples down a flight of stairs just for a glimpse of the sequel! I can't even give you guys a coherent summary - dystopian future, well-written, great and realistic protagonist, saving babies, The Hunger Games + 1984 + The Handmaid's Tale, idek!"
So bear with my fangirl ways and go read it! (less)