I could be all serious about this, but in honour of that 12 foot statue of Colin Firth floating in Hyde Park, I'm going to give it a miss.
INTRO: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune is probably gay. Seriously, if he was into titties some lady would have put that on lock, and fast. But sometimes...
MRS BENNET: I hear Netherfield is now housing dick with money. I mean Mr Bingley. Look at our poor girls, in such need... of a husband.
MR BENNET: So...
MRS BENNET: You must visit at once!
MR BENNET: But I'm not into dick.
MRS BENNET: Oh, Mr Bennet, don't you see we must be rid of the veritable litter of children we've had?
MR BENNET: Well, send them - In fact, send Mary first, she eats the most, if we're lucky they'll keep her. 'Cause I'm not going.
MRS BENNET: Oh, girls! Your future, look at it! Dickless as far as the eye can see. You can blame you father for that! Oh, if he'd only gone to visit Mr Bingley. Well I never want to hear his name again!
MR BENNET: Wish you'd said so, I wouldn't have dropped by the place and introduced myself.
MRS BENNET: Oh, girls! Dick's back on the menu!
~later at the ball~
LIZZIE: Who is that sexual being standing next to Mr Bingley? Let a bitch know.
CHARLOTTE: That's that Mr Darcy. He's loaded.
LIZZIE: How loaded?
CHARLOTTE: I've heard it told he swims in his money like they did on Ducktales.
LIZZIE: Well, I'd love to dance with him, if you know what I mean. It means I would do him, in case I wasn't clear.
BINGLEY: *holding a red cup* Bro, this party's so rad. Why aren't you dancing? Look! One of the Bennet sisters! I think... Chances, are! There's so many of them, you can spit anywhere and hit one. Why don't you go and try to get a piece of that?
Darcy: Nah, bro.
BINGLEY: Dude, are you gay? It's okay if you are - in fact, this one time in Eton, I--
Darcy: Nah, bro. You're dancing with the only hot babe in the room.
BINGLEY: What about her older sister? She's kind of hot.
DARCY: I'd hit it and quit it - ya dig?
LIZZIE: Charlotte, grab my earrings!
WICKHAM: Hey girl, what's up?
WICKHAM: Do you know this dude, Darcy? He's a total douche-nozzle. Can you believe he stole my shit?
LIZZIE: I knew it!
JANE: Lizzie, perhaps we shouldn't be so quick to judge--
LIZZIE: Jane, you know I hate it when people don't hate the people I hate. Correct yourself.
LIZZIE: Can't believe I'm being forced to stay under the same roof as that asshole...
DARCY: ...You can read!
LIZZIE: Miss me with this ignorant shit.
DARCY: She's got fire!
BINGLEY: Hey bro.
DARCY: Bro, Lizzie has such fine eyes!
BINGLEY: Fine ass?
DARCY: Nah, bro! Eyes. Fine eyes!
BINGLEY: Is that... is that a sexual euphemism?
DARCY: I think I'm in love, bro.
DARCY: Liz, you know how you're poor as fuck. And your family revolts me? And it's just demeaning to even be seen talking to you?
LIZZIE: Are you trying to run into my knife? Are you trying to run into my knife TEN times?
DARCY: Baby girl I'm trying to tell you that I love you.
DARCY: Will you marry me? Lol, of course you will, I mean, look at me, damn.
DARCY: Nah, bro, she didn't actually twist my nutsack off, I'm saying that's how it felt. She just used words and shit. But hear me out, I'm gonna pen her a letter: "Hey baby girl let me hit that sweet ass" is in iambic pentameter, it can't fail... also I should mention that Wickham stuff, probably.
LIZZIE: *writing* Dear Jane, maybe I've made a mistake... I've been to Pemberley. Mr Darcy has HUGE... tracts of land.
LIZZIE: So... Thanks for helping my sister. We can be best buds, now.
DARCY: Baby girl don't toy with me. Ya know how I feel. If ya feel like I feel... Ya feel me?