quote

Quotes About Humour

Quotes tagged as "humour" (showing 961-990 of 3,000)
Douglas Adams
“This must be Thursday... I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Terry Pratchett
“Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.
Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.”
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Dorothy Parker
“Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.”
Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

Andrew McEwan
“The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.”
Andrew McEwan

Sam Kean
“Think of the most fussy science teacher you ever had. The one who docked your grade if the sixth decimal place in your answer was rounded incorrectly; who tucked in his periodic table T-shirt, corrected every student who said "weight" when he or she meant "mass", and made everyone, including himself, wear goggles even while mixing sugar water. Now try to imagine someone whom your teacher would hate for being anal-retentive. That is the kind of person who works for a bureau of standards and measurement.”
Sam Kean, The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements

Demetri Martin
“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”
Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Where's your sense of adventure?

It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.
-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn”
Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist

Jerome K. Jerome
“What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over”
Jerome K. Jerome

Michael J. Sullivan
“I just want to say, for the record, as far as Royal protectors go, you're not very good."
"It's my first day," Royce replied dryly.
"And already I am trapped in a timeless prison. I shudder to think what might have happened if you had a whole week.”
Michael J. Sullivan, The Crown Conspiracy

“Maxim 29:
The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
Howard Tayler

Margaret Cho
“Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.”
Margaret Cho

Joe Dunthorne
“For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.”
Joe Dunthorne, Submarine

Linda Howard
“I’m Sam Donovan.”
“I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.”
“I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.”
Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?”
Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect
tags: humour

Alan Bradley
“I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.”
Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag

Lewis Carroll
“No Ghost of any common sense begins a conversation”
Lewis Carroll
tags: humour

Kate Beaton
“Blasted spam pigeons!”
Kate Beaton, Hark! A Vagrant

Simon R. Green
“What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.”
Simon R. Green, Deathstalker Rebellion

Robin Mellom
“Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.”
Robin Mellom, Ditched: A Love Story

“Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.”
Howard Tayler, Under New Management

Melissa F. Miller
“She was tempted to take the elevator instead of the stairs just this once. But that was how it started. Take the elevator tonight because she was tired and her feet hurt from having been trapped in three-inch stilettos all day, and then tomorrow she'd want to take it because she was running late. Then, the next thing she knew she'd be taking elevators all over the place because she got winded climbing stairs.”
Melissa F. Miller, Inadvertent Disclosure

Damon Suede
“I want you to move in with me, man."
"Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.”
Damon Suede, Hot Head
tags: humour

Salman Rushdie
“You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.”
Salman Rushdie, Shame

Lionel Shriver
“Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.”
Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Agatha Christie
“Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.”
Agatha Christie, The Body in the Library

Jordan Castillo Price
“‎"Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don't think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body. Without it, you will die.

"'What grade are you teaching these days?' Joel asked. ' Because either this is really sad...or really profound.”
Jordan Castillo Price, Immortal Coil

Joanne McClean
“I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”
Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.”
Joanne McClean, Unrequited
tags: humour

Colin Tegerdine
“Political life is best treated with antibiotics.”
Colin Tegerdine, You Can't Google Life
tags: humour

Letty Cottin Pogrebin
“Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.”
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
tags: humour

“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”
Jeff Marder
tags: humour

All Quotes | My Quotes | Add A Quote


Browse By Tag

More...