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Quotes About Humour

Quotes tagged as "humour" (showing 361-390 of 3,000)
J.K. Rowling
“Who's Kreacher?"
"The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
"He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother", said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Darynda Jones
“At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.”
Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

Mark Twain
“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”
Mark Twain

Oscar Wilde
“Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.
That is exactly what things were originally made for.”
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Darynda Jones
“Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.”
Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

Gemma Halliday
“Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!"
Chase narrowed his eyes again.
"Sam?"
I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. "You can quit squawking. He caught me.”
Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool

Gail Carriger
“Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.”
Gail Carriger, Soulless

Kelley Armstrong
“Could you please put this--could you all put these--could you get dressed, please?"
The woman only bestowed a serene smile on me. "We are as the Goddess requires."
"The Goddess requires you to be naked on my lawn?”
Kelley Armstrong, Dime Store Magic

E. Lockhart
“Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct."
"Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages."
"I doubt it."
"Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him.
"Not seriously."
"Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know.
Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?"
"Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.”
E. Lockhart, Real Live Boyfriends: Yes. Boyfriends, Plural. If My Life Weren't Complicated, I Wouldn't Be Ruby Oliver

Sarah Rees Brennan
“Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick”
Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant

Diana Abu-Jaber
“Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple strudel.

Just don't have your babies unless it's absolutely necessary.'

How do I know if it's necessary?'

She stops and stares ahead, her hands gloved in flour. 'Ask yourself, Do I want a baby or do I want to make a cake? The answer will come to you like bells ringing.' She flickers her fingers in the air by her ear. 'For me, almost always, the answer was cake.”
Diana Abu-Jaber, The Language of Baklava: A Memoir

Joss Whedon
“Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.”
Joss Whedon

Janet Evanovich
“Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.”
Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

George W. Bush
“I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.”
George W. Bush

Orson Scott Card
“I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.”
Orson Scott Card

Lindsay Buroker
“You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.”
Lindsay Buroker, Blood and Betrayal

Karl Pilkington
“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”
Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons

Robert Clark
“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”
Robert Clark

Jim Baen
“I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.”
Jim Baen

Rob Grant
“Step up to red alert."
Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf”
Rob Grant

Mercedes Lackey
“If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!”
Mercedes Lackey, The Eagle & the Nightingales

Robert Clark
“Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.”
Robert Clark

William Shakespeare
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
William Shakespeare, Coriolanus

Karl Pilkington
“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.”
Karl Pilkington

Sara Wolf
“The waitress scuttles away, and I make a shooing motion at the old couple who’re still glaring.

“Don’t you have something to better to work on?” I hiss. “Like golfing or eating prunes or dying?”

The old lady looks shocked.

“Okay, sorry, not dying. But seriously, prunes are good for you.”
Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious

Dorothy Parker
“I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.”
Dorothy Parker

Jennifer Crusie
“Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”
“Oh, please.”
“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”
“I don’t think so.”
“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”
“I’m out of here.”
Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

William Goldman
“This was after stew. But then, so is everything. When the first man crawled out of the slime and went to make his home on land, what he had for dinner that night was stew.”
William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Sachin Tendulkar
“People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.”
Sachin Tendulkar

Jarod Kintz
“A few years ago, when I was hitchhiking through Laramie, Wyoming, I met an old and infertile man named John. I told him, “I think I’d have made a good son, John. But I’d have made an even better Johnson.” He nodded as he took a long drag from his cigarette before he said, “I think I would have made a good Robert Derrick. But I'd have made an even better Derrick Robert.” I was silent for a few minutes, because I knew all too well what he meant. I’ve often felt I’d have made a great Bruce Robert, and an even better Robert the Bruce than Robert the Bruce ever was. Because, as many people have told me, “You can take all the Bruces in the world, including Mr. Willis, and you’d be the only one who could simply be called ‘The Bruce.’” But you couldn’t call me “The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.”
Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

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