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Quotes About Humour

Quotes tagged as "humour" (showing 901-930 of 3,000)
Dan Abnett
“If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't open it first.”
Dan Abnett, Xenos

Steven Erikson
“Oh, measure it all out! Acceptable levels of misery and suffering!' The cane swung down, thumped hard on the ground. 'Acceptable? Who the fuck says any level is acceptable? What sort of mind thinks that?'

Karsa grinned, 'Why, a civilized one.'

'Indeed!' Shadowthrone turned to Cotillion. 'And you doubted this one!”
Steven Erikson

Joe Dunthorne
“She whispers in my ear: ‘"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically.”
Joe Dunthorne, Submarine

Lynne Truss
“If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.”
Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation

Christopher Hitchens
“Very often the test of one's allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course when things are boring, to run the risk of repeating an old argument just one more time, or of going one more round with a hostile or (much worse) indifferent audience. I first became involved with the Czech opposition in 1968 when it was an intoxicating and celebrated cause. Then, during the depressing 1970s and 1980s I was a member of a routine committee that tried with limited success to help the reduced forces of Czech dissent to stay nourished (and published). The most pregnant moment of that commitment was one that I managed to miss at the time: I passed an afternoon with Zdenek Mlynar, exiled former secretary of the Czech Communist Party, who in the bleak early 1950s in Moscow had formed a friendship with a young Russian militant with an evident sense of irony named Mikhail Sergeyevitch Gorbachev. In 1988 I was arrested in Prague for attending a meeting of one of Vaclav Havel's 'Charter 77' committees. That outwardly exciting experience was interesting precisely because of its almost Zen-like tedium. I had gone to Prague determined to be the first visiting writer not to make use of the name Franz Kafka, but the numbing bureaucracy got the better of me. When I asked why I was being detained, I was told that I had no need to know the reason! Totalitarianism is itself a cliché (as well as a tundra of pulverizing boredom) and it forced the cliché upon me in turn. I did have to mention Kafka in my eventual story. The regime fell not very much later, as I had slightly foreseen in that same piece that it would. (I had happened to notice that the young Czechs arrested with us were not at all frightened by the police, as their older mentors had been and still were, and also that the police themselves were almost fatigued by their job. This was totalitarianism practically yawning itself to death.) A couple of years after that I was overcome to be invited to an official reception in Prague, to thank those who had been consistent friends through the stultifying years of what 'The Party' had so perfectly termed 'normalization.' As with my tiny moment with Nelson Mandela, a whole historic stretch of nothingness and depression, combined with the long and deep insult of having to be pushed around by boring and mediocre people, could be at least partially canceled and annealed by one flash of humor and charm and generosity.”
Christopher Hitchens, Hitch-22: A Memoir

Bruce Coville
“Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?”
Bruce Coville, My Teacher is an Alien

Terry Pratchett
“Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.



* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no.”
Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

Robyn Carr
“Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.”
She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?”
Robyn Carr, Wild Man Creek

Terry Pratchett
“The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...
It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.
-Can we?
-Damned if I know. I can't.
-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.
-Can you?
-No!
-Ah-ha!”
Terry Pratchett, The Truth

Stephen Fry
“lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays…”
Stephen Fry, The Fry Chronicles

Chetan Bhagat
“pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.”
Chetan Bhagat

Zoe Archer
“Men," she said rueful, "are the most absurd creatures on this green earth." "But there are camels," Gabriel pointed out. "Believe me," she answered. "I've taken camels into consideration.”
Zoe Archer, Warrior

P.J. O'Rourke
“One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.”
P.J. O'Rourke

C. JoyBell C.
“All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!”
C. JoyBell C.

Gwendoline Riley
“He lies down next to me.
He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/'
'Well, don't die,' I say, "we just met.”
Gwendoline Riley, Sick Notes

Jefferson Smith
“Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?”
Jefferson Smith, Strange Places

“None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time”
Jude Morgan, Indiscretion

“Steven Fry on The Da Vinci Code-
"It is complete loose stoolwater. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.”
Steven Fry
tags: humour

“..the nuclear family from across the street, which, as a result of decay, truly did have 2.5 kids;”
Robin Becker, Brains: A Zombie Memoir

“Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.”
Herbert Beerbohm Tree

Rachel Caine
“I suppose I’ll have to clean up Freddy’s brains; I hate to leave a mess for the home owners. Hand me that plastic bag; I need to put it over his head to keep him from leaking. Oh, relax, Freddy; I’ll tear an airhole for you.” - Mercer”
Rachel Caine, Working Stiff
tags: humour

A.A. Bell
“I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!”
A.A. Bell, Diamond Eyes

“Hello, IT... Have you tried turning it off and on again?... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on.... Err, the button turns it on.... Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you?... No, not on clothes... I'm sorry, are you from the past?”
Graham Linehan

Paulo Coelho
“It's the oasis," said the camel driver.
"Well, why don't we go there right now?" the boy asked.
"Because we have to sleep.”
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Elisa Paige
“The world is not full of crazy ninja perfume ladies!”
Elisa Paige, Shadowplay

Agatha Christie
“Oh! Do not excite yourself. Shall I say that he interested me because he was trying to grow a mustache and as yet the result is poor." Poirot stroked his own magnificent mustache tenderly. "It is an art," he murmured, "the growing of the mustache! I have sympathy for all who attempt it.”
Agatha Christie, Surprise! Surprise!

Shannon K. Butcher
“Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go.”
Shannon K. Butcher, The Mammoth Book of Special Ops Romance

“Eating was still a sore point with Smriti.She failed to understand,when interesting options like mango juice or chocolates were available,why was she forced by her stupid mother to eat boring regular meals?
After much contemplation,Nikhil came up with a suggestion'Don't give her food till she herself asks for it'.
His idea'starve-to know-the-worth-of -food'made sense to Abhilasha,though it took her a great deal of resolve before she could actually try it out.
So on a sunday,the'lady with an iron will'took over from'the soft and kind hearted mother'.she did not give her anything to eat and waited for the golden moment,expecting a hungry Smriti to beg for food.
But the much awaited moment never came.Smriti was not at all bothered about her meal and kept playing happily. The day turned into evening and still there was no trace of hunger in her.
"Aren't you feeling hungry?' now a worried mother had no option but to eat the humble pie and ask the daughter.
"No Maa. My friend Pinky had brought wafers and chocolates. Those were so yummy that I ate them all......"
And that was the end of her'starve-to -know-the-worth-of-food-mission.”
Chitralekha Paul, Delayed Monsoon

Margaret Mitchell
“You're Ma's own blood son, but did she take on that time Tony Fontaine shot you in the leg? No, she just sent for old Doc Fontaine to dress it and asked the doctor what ailed Tony's aim. Said she guessed the licker was spoiling his marksmanship.”
Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Kingsley Amis
“When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.”
Kingsley Amis, Jake's Thing

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