quote

Quotes About Penis

Quotes tagged as "penis" (showing 1-30 of 121)
Jarod Kintz
“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Jarod Kintz
“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?”
Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Justin Halpern
“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

Jarod Kintz
“I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Richard Brautigan
“The Beautiful Poem"

I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.

Pissing a few moments ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.

Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.”
Richard Brautigan, The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster
tags: penis, sex

Jarod Kintz
“I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick.”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Jarod Kintz
“I belong, and my penis, it be long.”
Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz
“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”
Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

Jarod Kintz
“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

Jarod Kintz
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Chris Killen
“my penis feels like a curious old gentleman climbing a flight of stairs and then stopping halfway up to have a stroke.”
Chris Killen
tags: penis

Jarod Kintz
“Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are?”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Jarod Kintz
“My cup is empty. I don’t think I’m wearing it in the right spot.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Jarod Kintz
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?
”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Jarod Kintz
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob.
”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Jarod Kintz
“I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?”
Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

Jarod Kintz
“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Jarod Kintz
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“It’s amazing how my whole body can be covered up in bed except for one inch on my shoulders and I’ll be cold. But when I pull the blanket up all the way, all of one inch, miraculously I’m warm. One inch makes a difference, especially to a man with a two-inch penis.”
Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

Jarod Kintz
“When I saw her naked, my penis went from hash brown to French fry.
”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“My favorite pen is my penis. Put my words in your mouth.”
Jarod Kintz
tags: penis

Jarod Kintz
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“If a man was choking, what would I do? Well, I’d remove my penis from his throat.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to find out! Bring a friend, but not a lumberjack.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “How’s it hanging?” He replied, “Lower than yours.” Ha! That John Holmes is one funny guy.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

« previous 1 3 4 5
All Quotes | My Quotes | Add A Quote


Browse By Tag

More...