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Quotes About Penis

Quotes tagged as "penis" (showing 1-30 of 91)
Jarod Kintz
“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Jarod Kintz
“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?”
Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Justin Halpern
“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

Jarod Kintz
“I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Richard Brautigan
“The Beautiful Poem"

I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.

Pissing a few moments ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.

Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.”
Richard Brautigan, The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster
tags: penis, sex

Jarod Kintz
“I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick.”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Tina Fey
“Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.”
Tina Fey, Bossypants

Jarod Kintz
“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”
Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

Jarod Kintz
“I belong, and my penis, it be long.
”
Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz
“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

Jarod Kintz
“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?
”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Jarod Kintz
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.
”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are?”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Chris Killen
“my penis feels like a curious old gentleman climbing a flight of stairs and then stopping halfway up to have a stroke.”
Chris Killen
tags: penis

Jarod Kintz
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob.
”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Jarod Kintz
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?
”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Jarod Kintz
“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber. 
”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Jarod Kintz
“I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?
”
Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

Jarod Kintz
“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts. 
”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Jarod Kintz
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.
”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Jarod Kintz
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.
”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

Jarod Kintz
“I'll bring "The Hammer," let's have a Thorsome.”
Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz
“Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.”
Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

Jarod Kintz
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to find out! Bring a friend, but not a lumberjack. 
”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.
”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

R.J. Silver
“Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.'
'What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?”
R.J. Silver

Alan Hollinghurst
“Now he had chanced on one of he standard hard-on sessions of the shower, as on both sides of him and across the room three queens sported horizontal members which they turned around from time to time to conceal or display, barely exchanging looks as they resolved. The old men took no interest in this activity, knowing perhaps from long experience that it rarely meant anything or led anywhere, was a brief and helpless surrender to the forcing-house of the shower. In a few seconds the hard-on might pass from one end of the room to the other with the foolish perfection of a Busby Berkeley routine.”
Alan Hollinghurst, The Swimming-Pool Library

Jarod Kintz
“The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. 
Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?”
Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

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