Quotes About Humour

Quotes tagged as "humour" (showing 1,021-1,050 of 3,000)
Robyn Carr
“What are you doing here?”
All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. “Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.”
Robyn Carr, Wild Man Creek

Vladimir Nabokov
“I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog?”
Vladimir Nabokov, Despair

C. JoyBell C.
“People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.”
C. JoyBell C.

Spike Milligan
“On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
And the Monkeys all say Boo!
Theres a Nang Nong Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the Mice go Clang!
And you just cant catch em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong!
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!
Nong Ning Nang!
The mice go Clang!

What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!”
Spike Milligan

Tushar Raheja
“leave not a speck.that may cause a wreck...”
Tushar Raheja, Anything for You, Ma'am: An IITian's Love Story
tags: humour

Bruce Lansky
“My Teacher Sees Right Through Me

I didn’t do my homework.
My teacher asked me, “Why?”
I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”
He said, “You didn’t try.”
I told him, “My dog ate it.”
He said, “You have no dog.”
I said, “I went out running.”
He said, “You never jog.”

I told him, “I had chores to do.”
He said, “You watched TV.”
I said, “I saw the doctor.”
He said, “You were with me.”

My teacher sees right through my fibs,
which makes me very sad.
It’s hard to fool the teacher
when the teacher is your dad.”
Bruce Lansky
tags: humour

P.J. O'Rourke
“I have been told by the third grade teacher that my daughter Poppet is reading at middle school level. Yet if I leave Poppet a note in block letters telling her to feed the dogs I will come home to find the dogs have been ... given a swim in the above-ground pool, dressed in tutus, provided with hair weaves. What I will not find is that the dogs have been fed. 'I thought you wanted me to free the dogs,' says Poppet whose school district is not spending quite what D.C.'s is, thanks to voter rejection of the last school bond referendum.”
P.J. O'Rourke

John Mortimer
“Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about.”
John Mortimer, Rumpole and the Penge Bungalow Murders

P.G. Wodehouse
“You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over the front lawn and dance on the fragments in hobnailed boots, but you are mistaken. It would be a genuine pleasure. By an odd coincidence I brought a pair of hobnailed boots with me!' So saying, and recognising a good exit line when he saw one, he strode out, and after an interval of tense meditation I followed him. (Spode to Wooster)”
P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves And Wooster Omnibus
tags: humour

Stewart Lee
“What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.

The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...”
Stewart Lee

Will Rogers
“The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,
you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The one that's out always looks the best”
Will Rogers

Terry Pratchett
“He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.”
Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

Max Frei
“Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer.
"Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.”
Max Frei, The Stranger

G.K. Chesterton
“All we know of the Missing Link is that he is missing - and he won't be missed either.”
G.K. Chesterton

Robert Rankin
“This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism”
Robert Rankin, Retromancer

“Discipline to be effective must be optional.”
― Saki, The Chronicles of Clovis

G.K. Chesterton
“Humour is meant, in a literal sense, to make game of man; that is, to dethrone him from his official dignity and hunt him like game.”
G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions
tags: humour

“Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.”
Harland Williams
tags: humour

Virginia Woolf
“You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.”
Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.”
― Henry Cate VII

“[Kirk] paced back toward his command chair, all eyes on him. "He must have a weakness."

"Certainly," Chekov said. "Is he not basically humanoid? He could be poisoned, phasered, stabbed-"

Kirk sneered. "Without killing him, Ensign."

With a shrug, Chekov turned quietly back to his console, pulling his hands from his lap and placing them on the controls.”
Dave Galanter, Troublesome Minds

“Normal is just a settng on your dryer”
Patsy Clairmont

Saira Viola
“With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags”
Saira Viola, Slide, a Modern Satire on the Excess of Greed

“Why save the rainforest, the whales, or the world when you can devote your time to saving syllables?”
Lindsay Faith Rech, It Started with a Dare
tags: humour

“Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse”
Alan Carr, Look Who It Is!: My Story
tags: humour

Robert Rankin
“Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?”
Robert Rankin, Retromancer

Bruce Lansky
“Too Busy

I've folded all my laundry
and put it in the drawer.
I've changed my linen, made my bed,
and swept my bedroom floor.
I've emptied out the garbage
and fixed tomorrow's lunch.
I've baked some cookies for dessert
and given dad a munch.

I've searched the house for pencils
and sharpened every one.
There are so many things to do
when homework must be done.”
Bruce Lansky
tags: humour

Péter Esterházy
“How are you? My father could say this quicker than anybody. He was always the first to say how are you, provided the occasion called for it, and he saw his chance. Thanks to this skill, he was made ambassador to England ...”
Péter Esterházy, Celestial Harmonies
tags: humour

“We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.”
M. Kushner

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