quote

Quotes About Masturbation

Quotes tagged as "masturbation" (showing 1-30 of 71)
Chuck Palahniuk
“My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Lily Tomlin
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin

Paulo Coelho
“She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors--white, black, yellow--with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone's, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure.”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Neil Gaiman
“I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe.”
Neil Gaiman

Robert Clark
“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”
Robert Clark

Craig Ferguson
“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”
Craig Ferguson

Robert Clark
“Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.”
Robert Clark

Jarod Kintz
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics. 
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Jarod Kintz
“And if I had a clone of myself, I’d seriously consider giving up my crime fighting to settle down in a serious relationship. Even though it would be a same sex relationship, dating your own clone definitely isn’t gay. And even though you are related to yourself, dating your own clone is not incest either. It’s merely self-love. It’s more like masturbation mixed with conversation. How many times have you longed for a talking penis?”
Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Ron Jeremy
“You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.”
Ron Jeremy

Missy Welsh
“Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?” I snorted and grinned. “Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.”
Missy Welsh, My Summer of Wes

Al Franken
“Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!”
Al Franken

Samantha Whitney
“Hey roomie." I was breathless. I looked her straight in the eyes as my fingers squeezed my nipples and rubbed my swollen clit. "Told you I wouldn't stop when you caught me.”
Samantha Whitney

Les Claypool
“In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.”
Les Claypool

Eve Ensler
“In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948--on a five year old girl.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Jarod Kintz
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman. 
”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Mark Twain
“The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Jarod Kintz
“I had a dream about you. A stadium full of children in glowing white robes were singing your name like little angels, and I wondered who you were to be deserving of such praise. Then it was revealed to me that you were the inventor of the condom, and these children were the Never Borns, and they were thanking you for not having had to experience the pain that only exists on earth. I tried to get them to start singing my name too, by saying I make love alone, and thus am equally responsible for not bringing them into existence, but they didn’t seem as grateful.
”
Jarod Kintz, We Had A #Dream About You

Amy Lane
“And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.”
Amy Lane, Christmas with Danny Fit

Haruki Murakami
“If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.”
Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

Will Self
“Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment.”
Will Self

Paulo Coelho
“That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Jarod Kintz
“I call masturbating “Gregging,” named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave.
”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Jarod Kintz
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”
Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

Jarod Kintz
“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”
Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

Ernest Cline
“At the end of the day, I was still a virgin, all alone in a dark room, humping a lubed-up robot.”
Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“When it comes to sex: some men treat women as objects; some women treat objects as men.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, N for Nigger

“Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled - deeply.”
Lacey Alexander, Voyeur

Tom Perrotta
“Next time she’d have to ask him to keep the light on while he did it, so she could watch his face. That was the best part of the whole thing as far as she was concerned, the way a guy’s face contorted so violently and then relaxed, as if some terrible mystery had just been solved.”
Tom Perrotta, The Leftovers

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“For the most expensive way to realize an orgasm, men open their wallets. For the cheapest, they close their eyes.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, N for Nigger

« previous 1 3
All Quotes | My Quotes | Add A Quote


Browse By Tag

More...