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Quotes About Jokes

Quotes tagged as "jokes" (showing 1-30 of 97)
Marilyn Monroe
“I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.”
Marilyn Monroe

Dave Barry
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
Dave Barry

Douglas Adams
“What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water!”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Amy Sedaris
“Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.”
Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Tamora Pierce
“I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.”
Tamora Pierce, Squire

Criss Jami
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
Criss Jami

John Flanagan
“Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.”
John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

Friedrich Nietzsche
“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Aristotle
“The gods too are fond of a joke.”
Aristotle

John Cheever
“Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In preparatory school America is beautiful. It is the gem of the ocean and it is too bad. It is bad because people believe it all. Because they become indifferent. Because they marry and reproduce and vote and they know nothing.”
John Cheever

John Green
“Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.”
John Green, Let It Snow

Jim Benton
“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.”
Jim Benton
tags: fun, jokes

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.”
― Arnold H. Glasgow

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
“A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.”
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, The Waste Books

Rachel Maddow
“Sarah Palin uses me as a laugh line in her stump speeches. If you're willing to turn me into a joke, you should also be willing to talk to me.”
Rachel Maddow

Noel Fielding
“I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.”
Noel Fielding

George Eliot
“Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called 'educated' making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious life to the history of the people they think themselves witty in insulting? [...] The best thing that can be said of it is, that it is a sign of the intellectual narrowness—in plain English, the stupidity which is still the average mark of our culture.”
George Eliot

“They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”
Bob Monkhouse, Crying With Laughter: My Life Story

Tao Lin
“It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.”
Tao Lin, Bed

Lewis Carroll
“What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.”
Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There

Eric Edstrom
“Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?”
“It’s Frodo,” he said over his shoulder. “And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider.” Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities.
“What is L.O.T.R.?” Shiv asked. “Who is this Freedo?”
Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. “It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?”
“Weren’t they books before they were movies?” Em asked.
“They wrote them after,” Bronson said.
Breyona winked at Danny. “That Freedo was hot,” she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. “Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.”
Bronson threw his hands up. “Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!”
Eric Edstrom, Undermountain

G.K. Chesterton
“...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.”
G.K. Chesterton, All Things Considered

Dan Wells
“[...] Mom’s not keeping me out because it’s a dead friend, she’s keeping me out because it’s a dead sixteen-year-old girl with no clothes on’
‘And that’s officially the creepiest thing you’ve ever said,’ said Lauren. She stopped typing, and then grimaced and shivered, like she’d just eaten something disgusting. ‘Seriously – yuck.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve got a live girlfriend – what do I need a dead one for?’
[…]
Lauren folded her arms. ‘How do I know you’re not just trying to get her out of the house for your own nefarious purposes?’
I smiled. ‘What kind of trouble am I going to get into? The dead girl doesn’t get here until tomorrow.”
Dan Wells, I Don't Want to Kill You

John Steinbeck
“Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?"

Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it."

Your pa stole it?"

Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.”
John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

John Steinbeck
“Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry.”
John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

Walker Percy
“People usually told him the same joke two or three times.”
Walker Percy
tags: jokes

Kailin Gow
“The denizens of Feyland find the absence of magic to be quite funny. I mean no offense. ”
“None taken.”
“For example – In the Land Over the Crystal River (for that's how we refer to humans), there was once a man and a woman. And the man was in love with the woman, and wanted her for himself. But because he had no magic, he couldn't feel whether or not there was a “pull” towards her or not, so he didn't know whether she loved him or not. So what did he do?”
“What?”
“He had to ASK her!” Kian couldn't help laughing.
“I don't get it!”
“Ask her!” said Kian. “It's funny – because he didn't have magic.” His laughter grew louder and less controlled, tinkling like bells in the winter snow. “He had to ask her!”
I realized that there were some cultural barriers Kian and I might never transcend.”
Kailin Gow, Bitter Frost

Kimberly Novosel
“If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.”
Kimberly Novosel, Loved

Barack Obama
“I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.”
Barack Obama

Helen Thomas
“Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.”
Helen Thomas

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